If Not Wisely
by Nikilu
Summary: Set immediately Post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that. Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her magic problem.
1. The Vigil

If Not Wisely  
  
Chapter 1: The Vigil  
  
Spoilers: Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.  
  
Rating: R for swearing and some sexual situations.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine.  
  
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing. Constructive criticism is welcome.  
  
Distribution: So far, just here. If anyone wants it, just let me know.  
  
Summary: Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.  
  
Buffy Summers sat on her bed, knees pulled up to her chest, blindly staring at nothing. In her hands, she clutched a wooden cross, holding onto it for dear life. She had no idea how long she'd been sitting there, but her knees were starting to cramp from staying in one position for so long, and her back and neck felt like they were on fire. Sighing heavily, she stretched out her aching knees and flopped back onto the bed. She turned her head to look at the glowing red display of the clock that sat on her nightstand. 5:43 A.M. The sun would be up soon. He wasn't coming.  
  
With a groan of frustration, she pushed herself off the bed and stalked angrily toward the window. Brushing aside the strands of garlic that hung there, she parted the curtains and looked out into the night. Nothing. She scanned the yard for any sign of movement and squinted her eyes to carefully examine the tree that he favored. Still nothing. He wasn't coming.  
  
Clenching her fists in anger, Buffy noticed that she was still holding the stupid cross. The absurdity of it all suddenly hit her full force. She spun wildly and hurled the offending object at her bedroom wall. Wincing at the noise that it made upon impact, she held her breath for a moment and prayed that she hadn't woken anyone. The resounding silence that ensued assured Buffy that her little tantrum would go unnoticed. She realized that she was still holding her breath and let it out in a rush. Her shoulders slumped dejectedly, and she suddenly felt very weak. She made her way back to the bed and laid down on it fully dressed. Turning on her side and clutching her knees to her chest, she finally allowed all those nagging little thoughts--which she had valiantly been trying to keep at bay--invade her mind.  
  
He wasn't coming. He really wasn't coming. God, she couldn't believe that he really wasn't going to show up. Buffy had thought he'd be there for sure. She had spent the majority of her little vigil imagining exactly what he would look like coming through her window. His patented evil smirk, that cocky little head tilt thing that he liked to do. She could picture the swagger in his step; hear the mocking in his voice. He'd laugh at the garlic that she had strung about the room. That the best you can do, Slayer, he'd say. He'd rush at her and knock the cross from her hands. He'd grab her roughly and put his face just inches from hers and he'd--  
  
"No!" She'd said the word out loud without even realizing it. The sound of her own voice stunned her for a moment, and she took a deep, ragged breath. No, she couldn't let herself start thinking these thoughts. He hadn't come, and she was glad. She hadn't wanted him to. That's what the cross and all the garlic was for, to keep him away. In fact, if she never set eyes on him again, that would be fine with her. Buffy decided that the annoying vampire must have finally come to his senses and realized when enough was enough. Well fine! It was about time. No more chasing after her, pleading with her to talk about "things." No more begging for "a crumb." No more following her around making mooneyes. That was what she wanted. Wasn't it?  
  
Involuntarily, a small sob escaped her. She couldn't lie to herself anymore. Deep down, she had known that he would not come to her that night. Truth be told, he probably wouldn't come to her ever again. What was it he'd said to her? I'm done being your whipping boy. I've got my rocks back. Yep, he had them back all right. No more of the sad little puppy dog routine for him. No more begging for Slayer scraps. Nope, if she wanted to see him again, she'd have to go to him. Not that she would. She would never go to him. Giving a small, bitter laugh Buffy allowed herself to admit that this whole garlic and cross show really hadn't been about keeping him out at all. It had been more about trying to prove that she didn't want him there, that she didn't need him there.  
  
Buffy opened her eyes and looked once more at the ridiculous amount of garlic festooning her bedroom. A sudden wave of embarrassment washed over her. Garlic? Crosses? What the hell was she doing? She was the goddamn Slayer! Slayers didn't fight with garlic and crosses. Slayers fought with stakes and crossbows. They didn't sit up all night clutching a cross with dozens of bulbs of garlic hanging about. These were the weak defenses of a scared and inexperienced child, not the tools of a seasoned Slayer with over five years of experience under her belt. God, is this what she had been reduced to? Spike would laugh his ass off if he ever saw her this way. She was beyond pathetic.  
  
Once again, Buffy leaped off the bed and rushed to the window. She began angrily ripping the strands of garlic from the window. She paused momentarily to note the brilliant pinks and purples coloring the horizon. The sun was definitely on it's way. There would be no visits from any vamps tonight. With a small curse, she turned and began removing the rest of the embarrassing garlic. She gave a little snort and thought to herself, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, folks. Fighting off the Big Bad with a fucking seasoning! Yes, even she had to admit that things did not look good if she had started stooping to garlic. Buffy threw all of the garlic into her weapons chest, snorting again when she saw all of the stakes, axes and crossbows that lay within. She walked over and picked up the cross from where it had fallen and tossed it into the truck as well.  
  
Heaving a large sigh, Buffy pulled her black turtleneck over her head and threw in on the floor. Her boots and jeans soon followed. Stepping carefully over the pile, she pulled the covers back and got into bed. She curled up into a tight ball and tried to shut off her thoughts. She tired not to think off all the terrible things that she had done, had allowed to be done to her. She tried not to think about how much she had enjoyed it, how the relief had washed over her in waves, and she had finally felt free. Free from the worried glances and pleading smiles of her friends. Free from the knowledge that Giles was a continent away and would no longer be there for her to lean on. Free from the death and destruction that she dealt with on a daily basis. Free from her memories of heaven and the torment of being pulled out only to find herself back in this hell. She couldn't hold it back any longer. The buildup became too much, and the damn broke. The tears began to flow freely,  
and the small slayer sobbed alone in her bed.  
  
Across town, inside his posh lower level bedroom, a vampire rolled over in his sleep, and a small smile of contentment slowly spread over his face. 


	2. The Day After

If Not Wisely  
  
Chapter 2: The Day After  
  
Spoilers: Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.  
  
Rating: R for swearing and some sexual situations.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine.  
  
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing. Constructive criticism is welcome.  
  
Distribution: So far, just here. If anyone wants it, just let me know.  
  
Summary: Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.  
  
Buffy was dreaming. She was in an old, abandoned house. The walls were falling down around her, yet there was no noise. She could see the beams smashing to the ground and chunks of wall crumbling, but they made no sound. She tried to move, tired to run, but she couldn't. She just stood there paralyzed. Suddenly, a large beam was crashing in her direction. Unable to move, it hit her full in the chest, and she fell to the floor trapped under its weight. The force of the blow knocked the breath right out of her, and the pain made it difficult to draw in another. She tried to will her arms to move, to push this heavy thing off of her, but to no avail. She had mustered up all of her strength and was prepared to give it her all when the beam was suddenly lifted off of her. Startled, but extremely grateful, she looked up into the face of her salvation. Piercing blue eyes met her gaze, and a strong white hand reached out to her. He had saved her.  
  
"Buffy! Buffy, wake up!" Dawn reached down to put a hand on her sister's shoulder, hoping to shake her awake. She let out a small cry of shock when Buffy's arm suddenly shot out and grabbed her hand. She tried to pull her hand out of her sister's grasp, but Buffy held on tightly. "Ow! You're hurting me," she shrieked.  
  
Buffy's eyes immediately flew open. Something was wrong. That wasn't his voice. No, it was all wrong. Her eyes finally focused, and her little sister swam into view. "Dawnie? Oh, Dawnie, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"  
  
"Oh yeah, I'm just great. Now, in addition to my broken arm, all the bones in my good hand are crushed as well."  
  
Realizing that, if her sister was well enough to be bratty, then she must not be hurt too badly, Buffy sat up with a grimace. "Jeez, Dawn! Exaggerate much? Your hand is not..." before she could even finish, the full weight of her sister's statement sunk in. Her arm. Dawnie's arm had been broken. "Are you okay? I forgot about your arm. Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you okay?"  
  
Dawn's scowl softened when she realized that her sister was genuinely upset. "It's okay, you didn't really hurt me. It's just that my arm is totally throbbing, and the painkillers that the ER doctor gave me wore off hours ago. I tried to let you sleep as long as possible, but I really need more pills. Can we go fill that prescription now?"  
  
"Of course Dawnie. We'll go do that right away." Buffy threw the covers back and eased her legs off the side of the bed. "Just give me a few minutes to--oh my God!" She suddenly caught sight of the bedside clock and was shocked by what she saw. "It's 2:30? Why didn't you wake me up sooner? I can't believe that I slept this late."  
  
"No big. I figured you must be pretty tired if you hadn't gotten up on your own. Besides, you deserved a good rest. Thanks for taking care of me last night. And for saving me. I was so scared. I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't shown up when you did. I--"  
  
"Dawn," Buffy broke in, reaching for the girl and pulling her into a hug. "Don't think about it. I was there, and you're safe now. That's all that matters." She softly stroked Dawn's hair as she spoke, seeking reassurance that her sister was, indeed, fine.  
  
Dawn smiled into Buffy's shoulder. "Yeah, you were there like always. You and Spike. I can always count on you guys."  
  
At the mention of the blond vampire's name, Buffy stiffened. She was suddenly assaulted by memories of last night's vigil and her all too recent dream. She pulled away from her sister and plastered a smile on her face before saying, "I will always be there for you Dawn. Now, let me get dressed and I will run right over to the pharmacy and get your pills. Okay?"  
  
"Sure, whatever, " shrugged Dawn. "I'm feeling much better now that you're up. It really sucks being all alone with a throbbing, broken arm."  
  
"All alone? What do you mean, `all alone'? Where's Willow?"  
  
"Willow!" Dawn was indignant. "You think I'd let that bitch within ten feet of me after what she did?"  
  
"Dawn! Don't talk about Willow that way. She's our friend." Despite the anger that she herself had felt for Willow the night before, Buffy was truly shocked to hear her little sister talk about their friend that way.  
  
"Oh, please!" Dawn rolled her eyes. "Buffy, come on, she took me to some sort of invisible, magical crack house! She left me to sit in that disgusting, dingy waiting room with a bunch of stung out magic junkies. For hours! And then, when she finally does come out, she leads me all around the scariest, darkest alleys in Sunnydale only to have us chased by some creepy demon that she created." Dawn's voice was starting to crack, and Buffy could see the tears welling up in her eyes. She reached out a hand to try and comfort her sister, but Dawn shrugged her off and continued her rant. "And don't forget the part where she stole a car using magic and crashed it into a wall, breaking my arm in the process!" Dawn held up the arm in question, showing off her new purple cast. "Don't tell me how I can or cannot talk about her! You're not the one that she almost got killed! I am! I'm the one who--" suddenly, it all became too much for Dawn, and she collapsed onto the bed and burst into  
tears.  
  
Feeling the ache that had been steadily growing in her stomach develop into a full-blown pain, Buffy rushed to comfort her sobbing sister. "Shh, Dawnie, it's okay," she murmured. "I won't let her hurt you ever again. I promise." As she softly crooned words of comfort to the sobbing girl, Buffy felt her anger return. Willow definitely had a serious problem, and she had gone too far this time. She had almost cost Buffy the one thing in this world that was the most important to her. She would have to tell the rest of the gang about this. They would have to find some way to help her. Despite Willow's cries and pleas of the night before, Buffy wasn't entirely sure that the witch was ready to give up magic. In reality, she wasn't even sure if Willow could give up magic. Hopefully, it wouldn't be too late to save her.  
  
Eventually, Dawn's cries subsided, and she sat up and rubbed her reddened eyes. "I didn't mean to shout at you Buffy. It's just that...Well, I can't forgive her for what she did. At least not now. But, if it makes you feel any better, I will refrain from calling her names."  
  
Buffy laughed and pulled her sister into another hug. "You call her anything you want, Dawnie. You're right; she does deserve it. But don't worry. I'm gonna put a stop to it. Willow will not hurt anyone else with her out-of-control magic. Not if I have anything to say about it. Okay?"  
  
Dawn managed a weak smile and struggled to say, "Okay."  
  
"Good. Now that we've made that clear, just give me a sec to get changed, and then we'll go get your pills. I mean, if you're up to it. There might even be a milkshake in it for ya. What do you say?"  
  
This time, Dawn smiled for real. "I say, you're on! I want the biggest milkshake that money can buy!"  
  
"You got it kid," laughed Buffy, grabbing her sister in a headlock and proceeding to give her a noogie.  
  
Dawn squealed in protest. "I am not a kid! Hey, no fair! Slayer strength! Let me go! Arghh..."  
  
******************************************  
  
Spike was pacing in his crypt. Furiously, he walked back and forth, muttering under his breath and cursing the sunlight. "Bloody Hell! Sodding California, the bleeding sunshine state, indeed." He desperately wanted to get out of his dark, dank crypt and check up on the Nibblet. He had been so worried about her last night, and finding out that a broken arm was the extent of her injuries did not do much to abate his fears. If only the bleeding sun would go down, he could go to her and make sure that she was all right.  
  
Spike stopped his frantic pacing and paused to light a cigarette. Inhaling deeply, he began to mull over the events of the previous night. He could not believe how bad Red had gotten. All summer long, he had worked beside her, and he had seen her powers grow by leaps and bounds. It had frightened him, and Spike was not one to scare easily. He barely recognized the person that she was turning into. He remembered when he had first met her, back when the Scoobies had still been in high school. She had been a quiet little bookworm then, afraid of her own shadow. Hell, he remembered that time he had tried to bite her, when he had first found out about the sodding chip that those soldier boys had put in his head. Willow had been devastated when he failed to bite her and had assumed that she was somehow unworthy of being bitten. That had only been a few years ago, yet she was so different now. So...hard.  
  
Spike resumed his pacing and continued puffing on his cigarette. Yeah, Red was definitely out of control. Bringing back Buffy had been the beginning of the end for her. She was sliding down a seriously slippery slope, and none of her mates had even seemed to notice. Then again, the whole lot of them had always been pretty self- involved. He appeared to be the only one who saw that she was relying too heavily on magic and seemed to be almost drunk on her power. Spike momentarily paused his pacing. Come to think of it, her lover must have been picking up on it too. He had noticed that Tara had become increasingly uncomfortable every time Willow mentioned a spell, and he had picked up on some serious tension between them more than once. Willow's erasing all of their memories had been the last straw for her.  
  
Spike threw his spent cigarette to the ground and crushed it under the heel of his boot. Thinking about that day when Red's spell had gone all wonky caused a small pang of regret to rise within him. For those few short hours when everyone had forgotten who they were, he had finally felt the one thing that he longed for most, acceptance. The whole blasted Scooby gang had accepted him at face value. No one had assumed that he was plotting their destruction, and he had finally been truly a part of their team. Spike knew that no matter how many demons he killed, no matter how many nights he fought by their sides and no matter how many times he saved all of their sodding, ungrateful lives, he would never truly be one of them. Hell, he didn't fit in anywhere. Buffy had been right. He couldn't be a human, and he could no longer be a vampire. Where did he fit in? That question had been plaguing him for months now, even before the Slayer had so cruelly taunted him about it. Despite  
the wonderful feeling of actually being one of the gang, if only for a brief time, having it taken away and knowing that it would never happen for real only made him sadder.  
  
"Bloody Hell!" Spike cursed himself. Is this what he had been reduced too? He was almost as bad as the great poof himself, sulking around his crypt and brooding about his place in society. He was William the Bloody, for fuck's sake! He was the Big Bad, and he would not sit around moping over a bunch of silly gits. No way in hell was he going to turn into his poof of a grandsire. This sodding chip in his head was bad enough, and his overwhelming love for the Slayer only made it worse. There was simply no way that Spike would allow himself to turn into some idiotic, simpering, nancyboy wanker! Nope, he had gotten his rocks back. Buffy and her precious Scoobies would be seeing a different side of good old Spike from now on.  
  
Feeling much better after his little mental tirade, Spike lit another cigarette. He stole a glance out of the small window on the side of his crypt, and he could see the shadows lengthening. It must be getting close to 4:00 by now. The sun wouldn't be up much longer. Thank God for short winter days. He really wanted to go and check on the Nibblet. Wait. Buffy. He had sworn to himself that he would not go to her anymore. He would sit back and wait for her to come to him. He knew she would eventually. He was in her system now. If he went to see Dawn, Buffy would probably assume that he just wanted to shag her again. Not that he didn't want to, but a man's got his principles. Oh well, he would just make it clear that he was there to see little sis and try to ignore big sis the best he could. It would probably drive Buffy crazy. Smiling to himself, Spike grabbed his ratty old blanket and turned toward the door. He decided not to wait any longer, and he threw the blanket over his  
head and ran out into the waning sunlight. 


	3. The Magic Box

If Not Wisely  
  
Chapter 3: The Magic Box  
  
Spoilers: Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.  
  
Rating: R for swearing and some sexual situations.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine.  
  
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing. Constructive criticism is welcome.  
  
Distribution: So far, just here. If anyone wants it, just let me know.  
  
Summary: Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.  
  
"Ow!" Dawn winced and clutched her head in pain.  
  
"What?" Buffy looked up from her Mocha, alarmed. She had been lost in thought, remembering the feel of cool white hands on her hot body and the taste of his lips. Those soft, tender lips.  
  
"Ow, ice cream headache," whined her little sister.  
  
"That's what you get for slurping your shake like a little pig!" Buffy felt the blood rush to her face, embarrassed by what she had been thinking. She hoped that it wasn't written all over her face.  
  
"Hey," pouted Dawn, "how's about a little sympathy for wounded girl over here?"  
  
Relieved that her sister had not seemed to notice, Buffy began to tease her. "Oh, I'm sorry Dawnie. Does the little crippled girl need help drinking the big, bad shake? Do you want me to make little airplane noises and feed it to you one spoonful at a time?" She grabbed the spoon that Dawn had decided not to use and scooped up a spoonful of the thick, chocolate concoction. "Here ya go, Dawnie. Open the hanger, here comes the plane." She began to swirl the spoon in front of her sister's mouth, making little buzzing noises all the while.  
  
"I'm not a baby," laughed Dawn, swatting the spoon out of the way and sending a big blob of shake flying. "Stop it," she giggled. "Buffy!"  
  
Buffy finally relented and put the spoon down. "Sorry, couldn't resist." She looked at her watch, almost 4:00. "Hey, what do you say we take these to go and run on over to the Magic Box? I want to talk to Anya about Willow. She and Xander seemed pretty worried about her a few nights ago, and I kind of blew them off. What do you think?"  
  
"Fine with me," replied Dawn. "I need some signatures for my cast anyways." Her face brightened, and she said, "Hey, maybe Spike will be there! I really want to thank him again for helping me out last night. Do you think he might be there?"  
  
Once again, the mention of the blond vampire's name caused Buffy to stiffen slightly. Shit, she hadn't even considered that. Of course Spike would want to check on Dawn. It was amazing, really, how sweet and gentle he had been with her sister. He had been so worried about Dawn, and he'd hovered protectively over her the whole time they were waiting in the Emergency Room. Buffy had been surprised by his tenderness, and she remembered thinking that he could be that tender with her, if she would only let him. No, that wasn't a possibility. She would not let this evil, undead thing get that close to her. Their night together had been a mistake. Sure, it had felt good--God, it had felt wonderful--but it was wrong. She could not allow it to continue. Slayers should not be fucking vampires. It went against her very nature. Okay, so she had done it with Angel, but look what had come of that. Besides, Angel had a soul, and Spike didn't. Although, Buffy frowned as she thought it over,  
sometimes it seemed like Spike had more of a soul than Angel ever did. How could that be possible? Spike claimed that he loved her, and, she had to admit, she was kind of starting to believe it herself. Yet, when Angel had lost his soul, he had been incapable of such feelings. How could the two vampires be so--  
  
"Hello! Earth to Buffy!" Dawn's voice brought her out of her revere. "Are you even listening to me?"  
  
"Wha'? I'm sorry, did you say something?" Buffy was still a little dazed from her deep thoughts.  
  
"I said, can we stop by his crypt if he's not at the shop?"  
  
"Um, his crypt? I dunno, Dawn. It's going to be getting dark soon. I really don't want you running around the cemetery at night." Buffy was trying to sound all big-sisterly and authoritative, but inside she was freaking. She really didn't think she could handle seeing Spike right now. What if she lost control and just jumped him? That would not be good, especially in front of her little sister.  
  
"Come on Buffy," whined Dawn. "You'd be right there with me. It's not like you can't protect me. Besides, I really want to thank Spike. You guys never give him the recognition that he deserves. He helps us out a lot you know."  
  
"I know," Buffy said softly. She knew that Spike did help a lot, and he wasn't even getting paid for it now. Dawn had told her how he had helped the rest of the gang patrol every single night while she had been...gone, and how he had taken care of Dawn more times than they could count. Buffy also knew that she didn't thank Spike as often or as profusely as she should. Maybe they should stop by and see him. "Well, let's just play it by ear, okay?"  
  
"Fine!" Dawn crossed her arms over her chest and pouted. "But if you won't take me tonight, then I'm going over tomorrow. He's my friend, and I wanna thank him."  
  
"Dawn," Buffy's voice took on a warning tone, "I said we'll see."  
  
Realizing that she probably wasn't going to win this one, Dawn gave up. She picked up what was left of her shake and turned in the direction of the Magic Box. "Let's just go."  
  
Ten minutes later, they arrived at the shop, and the first thing that Buffy saw when she walked through the door was a tattered old blanket flung over a chair. Great, he was there. What should she do? How should she act? Buffy tried not to let her confusion show on her face as she walked calmly into the store.  
  
Dawn saw Spike right away and was delighted. Her eyes lit up, and she ran straight to him. "Spike! I'm so glad you're here," she cried, launching herself into his arms.  
  
A huge smile spread across the vampire's face as he wrapped his arms tightly around the girl, careful not to jostle her broken arm. "Hey Nibblet. How's the patient today?"  
  
"Oh, I'm fine. It hardly hurts at all anymore," came the reply.  
  
"That's my girl. You're a tough one, aren't ya?" Spike carefully took Dawn's arms from around his neck and examined the cast on her arm.  
  
"Tough as nails," laughed Dawn. "Grr."  
  
Spike laughed and playfully ruffled her hair. "That's what I like to hear!" His face suddenly grew serious and he cupped Dawn's chin in one of his hands. Gently raising her face so that their eyes met, Spike asked, "You sure you're okay, pet? You know that you can tell me if you're not. I was very worried about you last night. Still am, as a matter of fact. I don't want anything bad to ever to happen to you."  
  
Dawn gave a small sigh and lunged to wrap her arms around the vampire once again. She stood on her tiptoes to whisper in his ear. "Thank you for taking care of me Spike. Your friendship means more to me than you'll ever know. I am so glad that you're here and that you care about me so much. I was really scared last night, and I won't deny it. But I'm okay, and I feel much better now. I'm still really angry about what happened though, and I don't think I'll be going anywhere near Willow for a long time. I can't trust her anymore, and she frightens me. I don't know what we're going to do." Dawn broke off her whispered confession and hugged him a little closer.  
  
Hearing Dawn's words had caused Spike's eyes to tear up, and he was afraid that he couldn't hold back the flood much longer. He didn't know how or why it had happened, but he cared about this little girl more than his own unlife. If anything ever happened to her, he'd...well, he didn't know what he would do. Spike cleared his throat to get rid of the lump that had formed there and squeezed her back. "Don't worry, Nibblet. The Big Bad will protect you."  
  
Dawn gave a little laugh and pulled slightly away to look at his face. "Come on, Spike! I'm badder than you! You're just a big softy." Seeing the look of outrage on the handsome vampire's face, she quickly amended her statement. "I take it back. You're the biggest, baddest Big Bad of them all!" Dawn dropped her arms and twirled away as Spike made a playful grab at her.  
  
"And don't you forget it," came his reply.  
  
Dawn went over to show her cast to Anya, and Spike finally noticed Buffy. She was standing just inside the door and looked frozen in place. He saw that her eyes were fixed intently on him, and he figured that she had probably been watching the whole time. Spike looked back at her, unsure of what to do. He wanted to run to the beautiful slayer and sweep her into his arms. He wanted to hold her and kiss her and ask how she was holding up in light of recent events. It took every ounce of his strength to turn away from her, to tear his eyes off her lovely face. He gave her a slight nod and walked over to the counter and join Anya and Dawn.  
  
Buffy had been watching her sister and Spike. Once again, she was amazed at how gentle this formally brutal killer could be. Buffy knew that Spike loved Dawn and that he would protect her with his life, or unlife, as the case may be. What she couldn't figure out was why. At first, she had assumed that Spike was just using Dawn to get on her good side, but she didn't believe that anymore. He had kept his promise to protect the girl until the end of the world, despite the fact that Buffy was no longer around to see it. No, she could no longer pretend that Spike's affection toward Dawn was just part of some master plan to get into the Slayer's pants. As much as she hated to, Buffy had to admit that Spike's affection was true. He cared about Dawn; that was a fact.  
  
Thinking about Spike's feelings for her sister threatened to overwhelm Buffy, and she had to fight the urge to run over and hug him. She wanted to tell him how grateful she was for all he had done. For everything he still continued to do. The only thing that stopped her from doing just that was Spike's reaction to her, or, actually, his lack of reaction. Buffy wasn't sure exactly what she had expected, but that surely wasn't it. For a moment, she felt hurt that he hadn't been glad to see her, and that he had barely acknowledged her presence. Then, she remembered that she felt nothing for this creature and shouldn't really care how he greeted her. What did she expect, that he'd run to her and profess his love, and they'd live happily ever after? She should have realized that Spike had just used her in order to get another notch on his Slayer belt. He was, after all, an evil, undead thing that was incapable of love. He does love you; he's proved it many times. It didn't matter  
anyway. She didn't need him. It was wrong. He'd even said so himself.  
  
Dawn noticed that Buffy had gone into some sort of daze again. She'd been doing that all day. It was kind of weird, but she decided to chalk it up to worries about Willow. Determined to bring her sister out of it, Dawn spoke up. "Hey, Buffy, Anya offered to let me fondle the money! Do you want a turn?"  
  
Buffy came back to reality to see her sister and Spike laughing. Anya, on the other hand, was scowling.  
  
"Dawn," moaned Anya, "I said that you could fondle the money. On account of your broken arm and all. Buffy doesn't have a broken arm, and I don't think that she should be allowed to fondle my money. It is my money after all. Well, I suppose some of it belongs to Giles, but he's gone now, so it's mine. All mine. Mostly mine."  
  
Buffy smiled at this very Anya-like tirade and made her way over to the rest of the group. "It's okay Anya, I think I'll live if I don't get to fondle the money."  
  
"Good," snapped Anya, "'cause you don't get to!"  
  
"Buffy, look!" Dawn waved her cast in front of her sister's face. "Spike signed my cast. Isn't it cool?"  
  
Buffy looked at the cast and saw that Spike had drawn a happy face with fangs sticking out. There were a few drops of blood falling from the fang on the left, and underneath he had written "Get Well Little Bit" followed by his signature. Buffy grimaced and said, "Cute, Dawn. Real cute. I'm sure you'll have that thing filled up in no time. Listen, why don't you go look at those new crystals that Anya just got in. I hear they're pretty cool. I need to talk to Anya and Spike for a minute."  
  
"Come on, Buffy," wailed Dawn. "I know what you're going to talk about, and I think that I deserve to be here for it. It does have to do with me, you know. When are you going to stop treating me like a kid?"  
  
"Dawnie," pleaded Buffy, "you're right, it does have to do with you. And you have every right to be included. It's just that it will be easier for me if you're not here right now. I promise, you will be included in on any future discussions. Okay?"  
  
"But-"  
  
"No buts. Please, for once, just do as I say?"  
  
Dawn wasn't ready to give in, and she turned to Spike, looking for support. To her dismay, he just shook his head and said, "Go on, Little Bit. Do as big sis says. We'll tell you all about it later."  
  
Sighing, Dawn turned on her heal and stalked away, mumbling under her breath about how much it sucked to be a kid.  
  
Buffy looked at Spike, surprised that he had taken her side. "Thanks," she said quietly. Spike merely nodded in return. Why won't he talk to me? Okay, something was definitely wrong with this picture. One minute she was complaining that he wouldn't shut up, and the next she was complaining that he wouldn't talk to her at all. No, not complaining, just curious. She didn't really care either way.   
  
Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, Buffy turned to Anya. "Do you know what happened last night?"  
  
"Yeah," replied Anya, "Spike told me all about it before you guys got here. I knew something like this was going to happen. Didn't I tell you? You were all, `Oh, it will be fine. She's a big girl; she can handle it. But she's so level-headed.' Didn't I tell you that it's those responsible types that you have to watch out for? Didn't I-"  
  
"Yeah, Anya, you did," Buffy broke her off. She didn't want to think about the fact that she could have possibly averted this tragedy if only she had listened. "You were right, and I should have taken you more seriously at the time. But, as they say, hindsight..." she trailed off.  
  
"What are we going to do? She's dangerous. Look what she did to Dawn. What if she hurts Xander?" Anya's voice began to rise, and she was on the verge of sounding hysterical.  
  
Buffy was about to jump in and try to calm her down when Spike suddenly spoke up. "Don't worry. Now that everyone finally realizes exactly how bad Red has gotten, we can do something to stop it. She won't have a chance to hurt anyone else."  
  
Spike's voice was almost a growl, and it made Buffy very uneasy. If not for the chip in his head, she might have thought that the vampire was planning on draining her friend, or something even worse.  
  
Anya, however, seemed to find comfort in his words. She looked up at Spike with a small glimmer of hope in her eyes. "Really? We can stop her?"  
  
"Yes, we can, and we will." Spike reached out and patted the ex-demon's shoulder somewhat awkwardly. It was funny how, after a century of delighting in the pain he had caused, he could no longer stand to see the sight of these women suffering. Bloody poofter!  
  
Pushing away her surprise at Spike's attempt to comfort Anya, Buffy spoke up. "Listen you guys, it's really not as bad as all that. We had a long talk last night, and Willow knows that she has a problem. She's agreed to stop using magic." Buffy looked at Spike and gave him a small smile. "So, there's no need to make with the `Grr', okay?"  
  
Buffy took one look at Spike and immediately saw that her feeble attempt at lightheartedness had not gone over well. The vampire's blue eyes flashed, and he was clenching his jaw tightly. This small movement only served to further accentuate his already prominent cheekbones. Oh, those cheekbones...Buffy had to fight the desire to reach out and run her finger lovingly down his beautifully sculpted face. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I-  
  
"Dammit, Slayer! When the hell are you going to wise up? Are you too bloody blind to see what is right in front of you?" Spike's voice was shaking with rage.  
  
Shocked by his outburst, Buffy unconsciously took a step backwards. "Spike? What? I...what are you..." she stammered.  
  
"Slayer, remember that time when Red was hell-bent on getting payback against that Glory chippie after she brain sucked Tara? Remember how you calmed her down and talked her out of it that time? Remember how Willow went after Glory anyway? Remember how both of you almost ended up dead?" Some of the rage had gone from Spike's voice, but his blue eyes continued to flash with anger. Buffy kept her eyes averted, unable to meet his penetrating gaze. "Doesn't seem to me like your little speeches and clam rationalizations do much when it comes to Red. Do you really think that one little talk with you is going to be enough this time? Do you really think that she's just going to stop? It's not that easy, and you know it. You're just too bloody stubborn to admit it!"  
  
Realizing that Spike was right, and hating every minute of it, Buffy finally raised her eyes to meet his. "Do you really think it's going to be that hard for her to quit? "  
  
Spike sighed heavily and ran his hands through his hair in exasperation. "Yeah, Slayer, I really do." He turned from her and began to pace. As usual in times of great agitation, his hands automatically reached for his smokes. He knew that Anya would bitch if he lit up in her shop, but he didn't care. Bugger all; he needed a smoke. Spike lit a cigarette and took a long, hard drag. He turned toward Anya and effectively silenced the complaint forming on her lips with a pointed look. The shopkeeper acquiesced, and he was grateful. Exhaling the smoke in one long stream, he turned back to Buffy.  
  
"Do you have any idea what real power feels like?" Buffy started to speak up, but the vampire raised a hand to silence her. "Yeah, I know. You're little Miss super-strength and all, but I'm talking about real power. The kind of power that takes over, fills you up, makes you feel invincible. Power that seeps into every ounce of your being until it becomes you, defines you, rules you. I've felt that kind of power. I've given in to it; let it overtake me. It's not something you give up willingly." Spike broke off to take another hard drag from his cigarette. He could tell by the look on Buffy's face that he was getting through. Some of this had to be sinking in.  
  
"Remember what I was like when those commandos put this bleeding chip in my head? I tired everything I could think of to get my power back. I didn't want to live without it. I wanted to find those wankers and rip every single one of their bloody heads off. I wanted to make them pay. I wanted to reclaim what was mine. It took me a long time to get where I am today, and no little talk with you could have ever gotten me to this point. I-:" Spike suddenly broke off and resumed his pacing. Bollocks! He had gotten so wrapped up in thinking about himself that he had forgotten where he was going with this. Luckily, Anya chose that moment to speak up.  
  
"He's right Buffy." Anya spoke quietly, but there was definite resolve in her voice. "I've felt that kind of power too. I spent over a thousand years as a vengeance demon, and I relished every second of it. Spike's right. The power takes you over until that power is all that's left. You are the power. Don't you remember what happened when my power was taken away and I became mortal?"  
  
Buffy did remember. Anya had tricked Willow into helping her perform some sort of spell in order to try and get her amulet, the source of her powers, back. Of course, the spell had gone wrong and they had unleashed some sort of evil Willow doppelganger on the world. Buffy winced, remembering the havoc that had been created. She had been so devastated when she thought her best friend had been turned into a vampire. She had also been shocked when the ex-demon had been prepared to let Vamp Willow kill the real Willow just so that Anya could get her powers back. God, if they were right about this..."I remember," said Buffy. She looked at Spike, "I remember everything."  
  
"Good," Anya seemed relieved, "then you're starting to understand. I hated being stuck in the body of a normal 12^th grade human. For over a millennium, I had caused pain and suffering. Mortal men quaked at the mere mention of my name, and scorned women everywhere worshipped me like a god. Now what am I? Nothing. Just a stupid human who can't even get a spell right and gets carded for beer. It wasn't easy Buffy, and it took falling in love with Xander and running this shop to help me realize that I am much better off now. Right now, I wouldn't want my powers back for anything, but back then, I would have stopped at nothing." A small smile crept over Anya's face as she finished, and as she looked down at her engagement ring, it only intensified.  
  
There was a moment of silence in which Anya continued to beam at her ring, Spike continued to smoke, and Buffy let it all sink in. God, they were right. She had no idea what that kind of power felt like, but she didn't doubt that her friend must be feeling it now. Willow had even said as much. Magic is what made her special. Of course, Buffy knew that it wasn't true. She knew that Willow had been special long before she even learned how to float a pencil, but the witch couldn't see it. Well, they would just have to make her see it. They could show Willow that her incredible heart, her wit and intelligence, her loyalty and inner strength were her true powers, not just magic. They would find a way to get through to Willow, some way to make her see in herself what all of her friends already saw. It would be hard, but they could do it.  
  
Feeling a new sense of determination, Buffy looked at Anya and Spike. It was funny; she'd never really realized how much those two had in common. They'd both been very powerful, very evil beings dedicated to death and destruction. They'd both had their power ripped from them against their wishes, and they had both had to adjust to a new way of life. Neither one of them had been exactly happy to be forced into this new white-hat role that they were currently in. Even now, neither the vampire nor the ex-demon fought against the forces of darkness for the sake of good itself. No, they fought only to keep their loved ones safe. If whatever the current evil was didn't immediately threaten them or any of those they cared about, Buffy seriously doubted that either Spike or Anya would care. Wow, they really were a lot alike, but for some reason, Anya got all the breaks, and Spike never got a one. It didn't seem fair.  
  
Buffy frowned to herself as she considered this. Why did her little gang treat these two ex-enemies--who were really very much alike--so differently? Well, Anya was human now and therefore, theoretically at least, had a soul. Spike, on the other hand, was still a vampire and had no soul. Spike didn't regret his past crimes like Angel did. He didn't feel a single speck of remorse for all that he had done. Then again, Anya didn't seem to regret her past actions either. In fact, she seemed to take a strange delight in recounting all of the awful things she had done to thousands of men over the centuries. Don't forget that Anya had a body count stretching out over more than a thousand years. Spike had, what? 120? Hmm, Buffy was starting to get a bit wigged by the fact the Anya and Spike didn't seem different at all. Okay, Spike had tried to kill them all on numerous occasions. Wait...Buffy's mind raced, trying to remember something. Yes, there it was, Anya had told them once how  
she had come to town to grant Cordelia's wish. Anya had actually killed them all; it had just been in an alternate universe. Add that to the thousand extra years of death and destruction, and Anya seemed even worse than Spike.  
  
Buffy's head was starting to ache from all this heaving thinking, and she was getting seriously wigged. If Anya and Spike weren't really all that different, how could she keep on treating them so differently? How could she let the rest of the gang? But what should they do? Did her new revelation mean that Spike was good and should be treated like a member of the group, same as Anya? Or did it mean that Anya was still evil and should be shunned just like Spike? Oh God, she needed Giles. He would know what to do. Too bad Giles was back in England. Too bad Giles had decided that Buffy had to handle everything on her own from now on. Okay, so she couldn't go to Giles. Maybe she would talk to Xander. She wasn't planning on bringing up the Spike angle--Xander hated the vampire enough already. Maybe she would just ask him if he ever thought about Anya's past and how he felt about it.  
  
"We need Giles." Anya's voice brought Buffy back to reality. How long had she been standing there lost in thought? She'd been spacing off all day. It was time to quit obsessing over her own petty problems and start dealing with the issue at hand. It was strange how Anya had just said the exact same thing that Buffy had been thinking only moments before. Too bad it wouldn't do any good.  
  
"Giles? No." Buffy's voice was strangely cold as she spoke of her ex-watcher. "In case you forgot, Giles went back to England because he was tired of dealing with all of our problems. No, this is our problem and we have to deal with it ourselves. We can't go running to Giles anymore."  
  
"Slayer," Spike broke in, "I know that you're still upset about his leaving, but-"  
  
"No!" It came out with more force than Buffy had intended, but she pushed on. "You don't know anything about me! You have no idea how I feel, or what I've been going through." She felt the tears welling up in her eyes and had to turn away before Spike realized the extent of her pain.  
  
It was too late. Spike could tell just how much his slayer was hurting, and he quickly went to her side. Placing a hand gently on her shoulder, he spoke in a quiet voice. "Yes. I do. I know how you feel. I know how hard this has been on you. I can see what you're going through." Buffy still refused to look at him, so Spike gently turned her to face him. "You forget that I know you, luv. Better than you know yourself. I can see right through you." He reached out and gently brushed a strand of hair off her face. "I can help you, if you let me."  
  
Buffy's lower lip began to tremble from the effort of holding back her tears. She finally lost the battle and one lone tear managed to slip out and make its way down her cheek. God, he knew her so well. He was right, he did see right through her. Why did he have to be so damn perceptive? Why did he have such a powerful effect on her? Buffy wanted to throw herself into Spike's arms and let him hold her and console her. She wanted to hear him whisper words of comfort in her ear and feel his strong hands stroke her back. Spike reached out to wipe away the renegade tear, and Buffy shivered at his touch. He could help her, but she was afraid to let him. Somewhere, buried deep inside herself, Buffy knew that giving in to her growing feelings for Spike would be good for her. She knew that being with him made her feel better. Hell, he made her feel, period. She'd been so frozen for so long, and the only time that Buffy felt herself begin to thaw was when she was with Spike. But it  
was wrong. That knowledge forced her to keep denying her true feelings, to Spike, to herself, to anyone that would listen. The only problem was that every time she pushed away her feelings for him, they just came back twice as strong. Maybe she should just stop fighting it. Maybe it would be worth it. How could something so wrong feel so right?  
  
Spike continued to gently touch Buffy's face, all the while looking into her tear-filled hazel eyes. He could see that there was a battle raging inside of her. He was afraid to move or speak lest he accidentally tip the scales out of his favor. He could scarcely believe it, but it looked like the stubborn girl might actually be coming around. Spike was afraid to allow himself that small hope.  
  
Suddenly, Anya cleared her throat. She had no idea what the hell was going on with Buffy and Spike, but it was starting to make her uncomfortable, and Anya was rarely uncomfortable. Her small action was rewarded with the sight of two blond heads turning to face her. Neither the vampire nor the slayer seemed to know what was happening, so Anya just gave them a "What the Fuck?" look, hoping that they'd get the point.  
  
Buffy was the first to collect herself. Damn, she was having a major emotional moment, and Anya was staring at her like she'd just grown another head. Well, she could talk to Spike later. Right now, she just wanted to wrap this up and get the hell out of there. "Sorry about that you guys. I guess I still get pretty worked up at the mention of Giles' name. Okay, back to Willow. You were both right. I was naïve to believe that she would give up magic, just like that. We need to do something to help her. I really do think that she wants help. She practically begged me to help her last night. There's got to be something we can do. It may not be easy, but we can do it."  
  
"Good," said Spike. "So, what's the plan then, Slayer?"  
  
"Plan? I hafta have a plan? Okay, how about we call an emergency Scooby meeting for tomorrow night? Can you both meet here? Say nine `o'clock?" Both Spike and Anya nodded their heads yes. "Good," continued Buffy. "Ahn, do you know if Xander will be free?"  
  
"As far as I know," replied Anya. "Once I tell him what happened with Dawn, wild horses couldn't keep him away."  
  
Buffy smiled; she was right. "Okay, and what about Tara? Don't you think she should be here too?"  
  
"Yes! Tara," exclaimed Anya. "She'll know what to do. I can call her. She gave me her new number."  
  
"Well folks, there's the plan. Well, the plan to make a plan anyway. We'll all meet here at nine tomorrow. If we all put our heads together, I'm sure we can think of something." Buffy looked at her watch. "I'd better get Dawn home and make her dinner. Dawn! Let's go!"  
  
Buffy turned and started to walk away, but Spike got in front of her. "Patrol later, luv?" He tried not to sound too desperate. He knew that his plan was pretty much shot, but he couldn't just stand back and watch his slayer cry. It destroyed him.  
  
"Yeah, Spike. I'll come by your place as soon as I get Dawn settled in for the night. Okay?" She gave him a pointed look, and Spike tried not to let his hopes climb too high. Was she finally going to talk to him? Would she finally admit her feelings?  
  
"Sounds good, pet. I'll be waiting." Spike fought to keep his voice even. Please don't let her see how much this means to me. His battered ego couldn't take another brutal rejection. "Nibblet! Come say goodbye!"  
  
"Finally," came Dawn's voice from the loft above. "It's about time someone remembered I was here!" She came stomping down the stairs with a scowl on her face.  
  
Spike couldn't help but smile at her agitation. Poor thing hated being left out. "Cheer up Little Bit. Dawson's Creek is on tomorrow night, and the whole gang is bound to find out that Dawson shagged Jen. Maybe if you're good, big sis will let you come over and watch it with me. I might even be able to nick, I mean, pick up some popcorn and sodas. What do ya say?"  
  
Dawn's eyes lit up at the invitation. She turned to look at her sister and practically squealed, "Buffy, can I? Can I, please?"  
  
Buffy looked warily at Spike. She didn't like the sound of this. Spike coolly met her gaze and it was almost as if she could read his mind. She needs to feel included. Still, she really didn't want her little sister wandering around cemeteries at night and hanging out in crypts with the undead. "I don't know Dawn, it's really not safe for you to be going over there at night."  
  
Spike saw Dawn's face crumble and quickly jumped in. "Come on, Slayer. She can come over before it gets dark and I can walk her back here in time for the meeting. She's safe with me. You know that."  
  
Dawn saw her sister's resolve begin to waver, and she decided to try again. "Please Buffy?" She made the puppy dog eyes that she knew worked every time.  
  
"Yeah, Slayer, please?" Now Spike was giving her his version of puppy dog eyes.  
  
Buffy laughed. There was no way she could hold out against these two. "Fine, you can go. But that means that you have to be extra good tonight and go to bed early. You have to go back to school tomorrow, remember."  
  
"Thanks Buffy!" Dawn wrapped her sister in a big hug. "You're the best sister ever!" She turned to wrap Spike in a similar hug. He stumbled back a bit, surprised by her enthusiasm. "Thanks, Spike!" She further startled the vampire by giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow. `Night, Anya," Dawn called as she bounced merrily toward the door.  
  
Buffy looked over at Spike and saw that he was absently touching his cheek where her sister had kissed him. He still had a slightly dazed look about him. She laughed again. Spike was quite the paradox. The Master Vampire undone by one kiss from a fifteen year-old girl. "Okay, I'll see you later." Buffy leaned in and said so quietly that only vampiric ears could hear, "I wanna talk, okay?"  
  
Spike almost keeled over. He honestly didn't think he could take any more surprises that night. Dumbfounded, all he could do was nod. As he watched the two Summers girls leave, a huge smile spread across his face. 


	4. The Dinner, The Conversation and The Wai...

If Not Wisely  
  
Chapter 4: The Dinner, The Conversation and The Waiting  
  
Spoilers: Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.  
  
Rating: R for swearing and some sexual situations.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine.  
  
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing. Constructive criticism is welcome.  
  
Distribution: So far, just here. If anyone wants it, just let me know.  
  
Summary: Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.  
  
"Shit!" Buffy shrieked as the boiling hot water hit her hand. She was making spaghetti for Dawn's dinner, not just because it was one of Dawn's favorites, but also because it was easy. Buffy had a lot on her mind, and her heart just wasn't in it. That was evident in the fact that she had somehow missed the strainer and ended up with a nice little burn in the process. "Damn it!" Buffy cursed again as she stuck the burned portion of her hand in her mouth. Thankfully, her Slayer healing powers would kick in soon, so it wasn't that big of a deal.  
  
Frustrated with herself for being so careless, Buffy shook the remaining water out of the pasta and returned it to the pot. Why the hell had she made the mistake of telling Spike that she wanted to talk? Of all the stupid things to do, that one had to top the list. Twisting the top off the jar of spaghetti sauce, Buffy continued to mentally berate herself. She didn't even know what she wanted to say to him. Knowing Spike, he had probably assumed that she was finally ready to profess her undying love. The stupid vampire was probably in his crypt preparing a seduction scene. She smiled at the thought. Yeah, he probably thought he was going to get lucky again. Too bad that wasn't the case. Too bad she was never going to let Spike touch her in that way ever again. Yeah, said a nagging little voice in the back of her mind, too bad.  
  
Buffy sighed and dumped the contents of the jar into the pan with the pasta. She was actually starting to feel a little bit guilty. She knew that Spike would get his hopes up, but she also knew that she was nowhere near ready to tell him what he wanted to hear. In all truthfulness, she didn't know if she would ever be ready. Despite her confusing feelings for the vampire, and even more confusing actions, Buffy didn't think that she would ever be able to open up her incredibly guarded heart to the possibility of loving Spike. He was after all, a vampire; and evil, soulless vampire. Albeit, one who was in love with her and genuinely cared about her little sister. Still, Buffy was not going down that road again. Once was more than enough. Wasn't it?  
  
"Dawn," Buffy called as she was ladling some spaghetti onto a plate, "dinner's ready."  
  
Dawn turned off the rerun of Friends that she had been watching and made her way to the kitchen. Despite the huge chocolate shake that she had eaten that afternoon, she was starving. "Mmm, smells good," she said sitting down at the table. Noticing that there was only one plate, Dawn turned to her sister. "Aren't you eating?" Buffy hadn't been eating much lately, and she was starting to get a little too thin.  
  
Buffy set the bowl of salad that she had made on the table and turned to go to the refrigerator. "Nah, I'm not that hungry," she lied. Buffy was much too nervous about her upcoming "talk" with Spike to even consider eating. "You want milk?" Grabbing the carton of milk, she turned to look at her sister.  
  
"Yes, please," replied Dawn," and Ranch dressing, too."  
  
Buffy grabbed the dressing and set it and the milk on the table next to Dawn. Still too nervous to sit down, she walked back over to the remaining spaghetti. "You think we should save some of this for Willow? She might be hungry when she gets home. If she ever gets home."  
  
Dawn grimaced at the mention of the witch's name. She had promised to try, but she was still really angry. "Um, I don't know," she said, going for nonchalance and missing by a mile, "that's probably a good idea."  
  
Buffy noticed her sister's change in demeanor, but chose to ignore it. The girl did have a right to be angry. Still, she couldn't help but worry about Willow. "So, you don't have any idea where she went, huh?"  
  
"Nope," Dawn shrugged, talking a big gulp of milk, "I was up in my room when I heard her leave. I never actually saw her." She went back to attacking her pasta, not really caring where Willow had gone.  
  
Buffy decided not to ignore that attitude any longer. "Listen, Dawn, I know that you're still mad, and I am too, but that doesn't mean that I'm not worried about her. Who knows where she could have gone? What if she went back to that Rack guy? Or what if she got attacked by some vamp?"  
  
Worry creased Buffy's brow, and Dawn stated to feel a bit guilty about her indifference. "Well," she started cautiously, trying to keep control over her emotions, "if she did go back to Rack, well, that's her problem. Willow is the only one responsible for her actions. There is really nothing you can do about it. And, as far as vamps are concerned, Willow can take care of herself. She's a pretty powerful witch, you know." Seeing that her sister didn't look any less worried, Dawn decided to change tracks. "Buffy, I'm sure she's fine. You said yourself that she wanted to give up magic. I'm sure she didn't go back to that crack house. Maybe she just needed some time to think. Maybe she went to talk to Tara. Please don't worry."  
  
Buffy smiled. Her sister was really trying. She walked over and wrapped her arms around the girl from behind, planting a kiss on top of her head. "Thanks, Dawnie. You're right. When did you get so grown up?"  
  
"Hey," laughed Dawn, "aren't I the one who keeps telling you that I'm not a kid? `Bout time you noticed!"  
  
Buffy laughed. "I wouldn't go quite that far. Really, though, I'm still worried about you. So, if Willow does come home while I'm on patrol, I want you to go up to your room and stay there. Don't talk to her and for God's sake don't go anywhere with her. Okay?"  
  
"You don't have to worry about that. I won't be going anywhere near her for quite a while. I promise to stay out of her way."  
  
"Good. I know that it's probably not necessary, but you can never be too careful."  
  
"Yeah," snorted Dawn, "if there's one thing I've learned from being the Key and having the Slayer for a sister, it's that you can never be too careful. Hey, maybe I should lock myself in my room and hide under the bed. Or maybe, I should leave town or something." Dawn was wearing a cocky little grin that looked very much like Spike.  
  
"Okay, smartass, you've made your point." God, when had her little sister turned into a miniature Spike? "I think you've been hanging around a certain bleached-blond vampire a little too much! It can't be good for you."  
  
"Shows what you know," Dawn shot back. "Hanging around Spike is very good for me. He's the one that showed me that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and quit moping around because I some stupid, freaky key-thingy. He's the one that taught me to embrace my key-ness and to realize that it's just part of what makes me special."  
  
Buffy was intrigued. "He did that?" She must have really underestimated the impact that Spike's friendship had on her sister's life.  
  
"Yeah," continued Dawn, "he did. He pretty much just told me that I was never going to be a normal girl and that I just had to learn to deal with it. He pointed out that you're not exactly normal either, but you're very special, and," she finished with a smile, "so am I."  
  
"He said that about me?" Buffy was shocked. She had never really considered the notion that Spike would talk to Dawn about her. She wondered what else the vampire had said.  
  
"Yep. Come on, Buffy," Dawn was slightly exasperated, "you must realize by now how much he loves you. He just said that you're the Slayer and have all this tremendous responsibility and everything, but yet you still manage to be Buffy. The Slayer stuff is just a part of what makes you Buffy, just like being the Key is a part of me. He showed me that I could be so much more than just some mystical ball of energy, and that I shouldn't let that define me. Just like you don't let being the Slayer define you."  
  
"Well," Buffy was still a little bit stunned by how perceptive Spike could be, "that makes a lot of sense. Spike must be a pretty smart guy after all, even if he was a dumb villain." She joked to cover up the fact that her sister's words had really gotten to her. She was definitely starting to see another side to her former mortal enemy. "I'm glad that he's someone you can talk to. It does seem to be good for you."  
  
"It is, Buffy. It really is." Dawn was happy that her sister seemed to finally be coming around where Spike was concerned. She knew that it would hurt her sister to hear it, but Spike had been like a big brother to Dawn the whole time that Buffy was...dead. She doubted that she would have been able to make it through that horrible time if it hadn't been for him. He was really the only one that she could talk to without having to pretend that she was okay with it all. The others had meant well, but they had so desperately wanted Dawn to be fine. Spike had just wanted her to be, well, Dawn. She could cry in front of the vampire without worrying about how it affected him. She could tell him exactly how she felt and he would listen to her and give her advice, but he never tried to make her get over her loss. Dawn knew that Spike was hurting just as much as she was, but her never tried to make her feel better, never made her feel like she had to pretend with him. He would just  
hold her and listen to her cry. Sometimes, Spike would share his pain, but mostly he would just listen. Dawn would never stop being grateful to him, and, no matter what anybody else said, would never stop thinking of him as her friend.  
  
Despite all of the times she had gone to Spike over the summer, Dawn could sense that he was hanging back now. She knew that it was because of Buffy. Spike had been devastated when she died, and having her suddenly back must have been hard on him. Dawn also knew that Spike was still very much in love with her sister, and that Buffy was still too blind to see how wonderful he really was. She could understand why Spike might not want to be around as much anymore, but she still missed his company. That's why his invitation to hang out earlier had meant so much to her. She hoped that it meant things would get back to the way they used to be. She decided to let her sister know how important it was for her to see Spike.  
  
"Buffy."  
  
Dawn's voice startled the Slayer, for she was equally lost in thought. "Yeah?" Buffy looked up guiltily. Shit, she had spaced off again.  
  
"I, um, I just wanted to thank you for saying that I could go hang out with Spike tomorrow. It really means a lot to me, you know. Thanks for letting us be friends."  
  
"No big." Buffy could see that her sister was starting to get emotional, so she tried to play it cool. "I know that he can't hurt you, so I really don't have to worry. If hanging out with him makes you happy, then I don't see why not."  
  
Dawn could tell that Buffy was deliberately holding back, but she decided not to push her luck. If she continued to press her point, Buffy was liable to get angry and stop her from hanging out with Spike. If there was one thing that Dawn knew for sure, it was that you didn't press Buffy to talk when she didn't want to. That girl would clam up like a, well, clam and get really pissed off every time. Okay, so Spike was still a bit of a sore subject, but Dawn hoped that, over time, she could make her sister see what she saw in him. Even if she never returned his love, it would still be enough for her two favorite people to be friends. Sure, it seemed unlikely now, but a girl can hope.  
  
Buffy had had enough of talking about Spike for the time being. It was bad enough that her thoughts almost constantly centered on him anyways, and that she was going over to see him in just a few hours, but now his sister was gushing about Spike every chance she got. Deciding to change the subject before Dawn brought up anything else to add to her confusion, Buffy said, "How's your arm doing, Dawnie?"  
  
Dawn knew that was the end of Spike talk for the night. "Um, actually, it is starting to hurt again. When do I get another pill?"  
  
Buffy looked at the clock over the stove. "You can probably have one now if you want. Why don't you finish your dinner first, though? We don't want you to OD, and it can't hurt to take it on a full stomach. After all, you can never be too-"  
  
"Careful," finished Dawn. The Spike smirk had returned.  
  
Buffy was really starting to hate that smirk. "Yeah, yeah," she grumbled. "Just eat, before it gets cold. I'm gonna wrap the rest of this up for Willow." Dawn returned to her dinner, and Buffy busied herself wrapping up the leftovers and cleaning up the kitchen. Usually, she would make Dawn do the dishes, but since the girl was injured, she got a get out of jail free card. Buffy concentrated on the menial chores and tried to wipe any thoughts of the sexy--ohmigod, did I just think sexy--blond vampire out of her head.  
  
*************************  
  
Spike was getting tired of waiting. It seemed like he spent his entire bleeding unlife just waiting for the Slayer. In the beginning, he had waited for a chance to kill the silly bint. Then, after the chip, he waited for a chance to see her, didn't matter the reason as long as he simply got to exist in her presence. Later, after he had realized the extent of his feelings for her, he waited for the perfect opportunity to declare his love. After she had oh so cruelly shot him down, he waited for a crumb, any little sign that she might someday return his feelings. Once she had finally given in and kissed him--twice--he had waited for her to open up and admit the attraction, if not more, that she felt for him. And now, now that he had shagged her six ways to Sunday, he was still waiting for the stupid cow to make up her bloody mind! Bloody Hell, he was goddamn sick and tired of waiting.  
  
With a groan of frustration, Spike shut of the telly. Gilmore Girls--he liked that show; the little Rory chit reminded him of Nibblet--was long over, and he could give a bloody damn about that poofter Clark Kent. Jumping up to light his five millionth cigarette of the night, Spike's mind went back to the other night. The night that he and the Slayer had brought the house down (quite literally) with their lovemaking. That had been, unquestionably, the best night of his entire life and unlife combined. Even now, days later, he could hardly believe that it had actually happened. Never had he dreamed that he would actually be inside the Slayer. Okay, so he had definitely dreamed about it, but he never thought he stood a chance in hell. That night had been sheer perfection. The morning after, however, had not gone quite as planned.  
  
Spike took a hard drag off his cigarette and bit back a grimace as he remembered how he'd bollocksed the whole thing up. If only he had kept his mouth shut. If only, for once in his sodding unlife, he had thought before speaking, then the whole bloody mess might never have happened. Okay, so it hadn't started off all that well, but things were looking up. Despite the Slayer's little temper tantrum, he had managed to lure her back into his arms and was looking forward to spending the whole day snogging with the beautiful girl. But no, he had to go and bollocks the whole thing up with his big, fat mouth, as usual. He'd been trying to compliment her, really. In his own messed up way, he was trying to convey to her how wonderful their night together had been.  
  
Spike had once told Buffy that killing that Chinese Slayer had been the best night of his life, and he just wanted her to know that being with her was even better, that loving her was even better. Sure, in hindsight, he could see that it wasn't all that bright to bring up the fact that he had previously delighted in killing her kind, but at the time it had seemed the very height of romanticism. Dru would have like it anyway. But the Slayer wasn't Dru, not by a long shot. Buffy had reacted badly, very badly. She had pushed him away and instantly reverted to her old pattern of denial and insults. And, yeah, he had lost his temper, but who could blame him really? Here he was, telling the love of his unlife how wonderful it was to be with her, and there she was, telling him that he was merely convenient. Convenient! Of all the bloody words she could have chosen, that was the one. God, he may be the vampire in this messed up little relationship of theirs, but the Slayer sure did  
know how to go for the jugular.  
  
Okay, so he had been pretty damn nasty to her as well. Spike knew that he could never really hurt Buffy physically, they were too well matched, but his words were the most powerful weapon that he possessed. Often, they could cut deeper than any bite. Maybe he shouldn't have been so hard on her, but there was something inside of him that just wouldn't let him hold back where Buffy was concerned.  
  
Spike threw his cigarette down and crushed it under the heel of his boot. The worst thing about it all, what made him the angriest, was that he knew it wasn't true. He knew that he was more than just a convenience to her, and sod it all if she didn't know it too. That was the biggest problem with Buffy, her constant state of denial. She couldn't bring herself to admit her true feelings, not to him and most definitely not to herself. No, she was too wrapped up in seeing herself as "good" and refused to examine the darkness within. Of course, it didn't help that her heart had been broken, first by his sodding poof of a grandsire and then by Captain Cardboard. The Slayer had gotten good at putting up walls, and the wall around her heart was almost impenetrable. Spike knew that she had never even really let Soldier Boy in, Riley had told him as much. But Spike was a confident man, and he knew that somehow, some way, he would break through that wall and find the love that waited  
inside.  
  
Except now he was tired of waiting. When he had first gotten back from the Magic Box, Spike had been so excited, almost giddy. He had rushed around the crypt tidying things up for her. He had spent hours trying to decide where to sit, how to stand, what to say. He had been so happy that she finally wanted to talk to him that he had even allowed himself to consider the possibility that they might end up in bed once more. Foolishly, Spike had gone down to what he thought of as his bedroom and straightened the sheets. He had tucked all of his dirty clothes out of sight and placed candles all around the bed, hoping that they would finally have a romantic night together. Hell, he'd even gone as far as to nick some flowers off a fresh grave and scatter the petals artistically across the bed. He had absolutely no idea what the Slayer had planned, and he wanted to be ready for anything.  
  
But the waiting had done him in. He was sick and tired of letting the Slayer run the show. Why did everything have to be on her timetable? Why should he have to wait until she was ready to talk? What if he wanted to talk now? Spike had made up his mind. He would wait no more. The vampire turned on his heel, grabbed his duster and stalked out of the crypt. 


	5. The Cemetery

If Not Wisely  
  
Chapter 5: The Cemetery  
  
Spoilers: Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.  
  
Rating: R for swearing and some sexual situations.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine.  
  
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing. Constructive criticism is welcome.  
  
Distribution: So far, just here. If anyone wants it, just let me know.  
  
Summary: Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.  
  
A/N: I noticed when uploading my Word document for the first couple of chapters that my italics somehow disappeared, so I'm trying a new tactic. I'm using *word* for emphasis and single quotations for the characters thoughts. Thanks to the nice people who left reviews. It made my day. More chapters to come.  
  
Buffy had decided to do a quick patrol before going to see Spike. She figured that their little talk might take a while, and she had better get her duty out of the way first. That's what she told herself anyway. In reality, she was just stalling for time. Buffy had spent all night thinking about Spike, and she still had absolutely no idea what to say to him. For the life of her, she really couldn't figure out what had prompted her to tell him she wanted to talk in the first place. Maybe it had been thinking about the similarities between Spike and Anya that did it. Then again, maybe it had been the way he was with Dawn. Of course, the fact that she had been having thoughts of a decidedly sexual nature in connection with him for the last three days had absolutely nothing to do with it. Nope. No way, Jose. That was a one-time thing. It was nothing but a great big mistake that she had vowed never to make again. It was of the past, and so help her, it would stay there. If Buffy  
had her way, it would never be mentioned again.  
  
Buffy sighed and sat on a nearby tombstone. For some unknown reason, she suddenly wished that she smoked. Sure, cigarettes were disgusting and nasty, but a smoke right now might help to clear her head. Okay, she did have to admit that Spike looked pretty damn sexy with a cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth, but he didn't have to worry about lung cancer. God, there it was again, Spike and sexy in the same sentence. What the hell was wrong with her? These were simply unacceptable thoughts for the Slayer to be having. It was bad enough that she had gone completely crazy and had sex with him once--okay it was like nine times, but in one night--but now she was actually considering doing it again.  
  
"Oh my God!" Buffy had spoken out loud with out even noticing. She hadn't even realized that she had been considering doing it again until that very minute. Well, to be fair, she probably hadn't * allowed * herself to realize it. After all, she had reapplied her makeup and changed clothes three times before heading out to go * slaying *. Even if, deep down, she knew that it was a possibility, it still didn't matter `cause it was never gonna happen.  
  
Buffy groaned and clutched her head in her hands, trying to make the thoughts stop coming. She could almost hear Spike inside her head saying, "Sing me a new one, Slayer." It had gotten to the point where she could barley even lie to herself anymore. There was no way that she could keep up this rapidly crumbling front if she actually went through with her plan to talk to Spike. Buffy decided to bail. Abort the mission. Go to plan B. She would simply go to Spike's crypt, tell him that all was quiet on the undead front and ask for advice about Willow. Buffy smiled to herself. It was a good plan. Spike would appreciate being asked his opinion, and she could sit for a few minutes and listen to him ramble on. Then, maybe, she would thank him for being such a good friend to Dawn, but that was all. There would be no talk about feelings, no kissing and definitely no sex.  
  
Feeling much better now that she had managed to run away from her problems once again, Buffy stood up and began to walk toward Spike's crypt. She was mentally going over her plan when she spotted three vampires standing over a fresh grave. Great, duty calls. Reaching for the stake hidden in the waistband of her leather pants, Buffy continued walking toward the little gang. If the dead guy rose anytime soon, she might be in trouble. Oh well, slaying was a high-risk profession.  
  
Buffy managed to sneak up on the group unnoticed and staked one of the vampires immediately. The other two turned to look at her in horror. "Hey guys," she asked brightly, a thousand watt smile on her face, "waiting for someone?" The two remaining vamps immediately rushed her, and the fight was on.  
  
Buffy lost herself in the rhythm of punching and kicking. It felt good to fight again. She staked the smaller one without any difficulty, but the last one was proving to be a little bit of a problem. She was so consumed with fighting him that she didn't even notice the vampire that was rising behind her.  
  
Spike noticed. He was standing in the shadows watching his beautiful slayer fight. He had heard the commotion and come running to catch the show. He wanted to call out to her, or, better yet, run and stake the newly risen vamp himself, but something held him back. He loved to watch her fight. She was so strong and confident, so graceful and alive. Come to think of it, the only time she really looked alive anymore was when she was fighting, whether it be with some random vamp or with Spike himself. Fighting brought back some of her fire. Coming back from the dead had not agreed with Buffy Summers, and Spike knew that she was still haunted by her memories of heaven. Yet another thing that he would love to help her with, if she'd only let him.  
  
Buffy had finally noticed the vampire emerging from the grave. With one swift move, she hurled the larger vampire against a nearby tree and turned to stake the other before he had even made it all the way out of the ground. With a brilliant smile--God, she was beautiful when she smiled--she turned back to the big guy. "Gee, looks like all your friends have gone nighty-night. Guess you'll just have to play with me now." The vampire struggled to his feet and rushed at Buffy with an angry growl. The Slayer merely held out her stake and let him run right into it.  
  
As the vampire exploded into dust, Spike stepped forward from the shadows. He was reminded of the very first time he had seen her fight, in the alley by the Bronze, and he began to clap. Startled by the sound, Buffy turned to look at him.  
  
"Spike!" She did not sound too happy to see him. "What are you doing here?" Brushing vampire dust off of her clothes, Buffy walked over to where he stood. "I thought I told you that I'd be over later?" She crossed her arms over her chest and tried to look impatient, when really the sight of him was driving her mad with desire. She always got worked up after a good fight and looking at this dead sexy man (thing! He's a thing!) in front of her didn't help matters much. Buffy hoped that he couldn't tell, but, knowing Spike, he probably could.  
  
Spike decided to play it cool. "Nice work Slayer. I didn't think you were ever going to notice that pillock climbing out of the grave. Shoulda known better than to doubt you."  
  
"Gee, thanks," Buffy was flustered. What did he want? "Your praise is so important to me."  
  
"Well, you know me. I give credit where credit is due."  
  
"Spike, what do you want?"  
  
Now Spike was starting to get angry again. Why should he have to explain his presence to her? The smile that had appeared on his face the moment he first laid eyes upon his love began to fall away. "I got tired of waiting. Decided to step out for a spot of violence before bedtime. What's it to you?"  
  
"Nothing, it's just--" Buffy broke off, suddenly suspicious. "Were you following me?"  
  
"Following you? Bloody Hell, Slayer, I didn't even know you were here!" Spike's eyes were beginning to flash dangerously. "You really need to get over yourself. What in the bleeding hell makes you think that I would waste my time following you around?"  
  
"Come on, Spike," now Buffy was starting to get angry. "It's not like you haven't done it before. I seem to recall a time when you were downright stalking me!"  
  
Spike was momentarily taken aback. She had a point. "Yeah," his voice softened a bit, "maybe I did, but that was then, this is now. I told you Slayer, I've got my rocks back!" His voice hardened with his last statement, the anger rising again. Never mind the fact that he actually was going out to find her, the fact that she just assumed it to be so infuriated him.  
  
"Fine!" Buffy was screaming now. "Then just take your fucking rocks and get the hell out of here already!"  
  
"Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You'd love it if I just left you alone to your self-pity and denial. Well, tough titty, luv. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere until I can make you see that you are--"  
  
Spike's words were cut off by Buffy's lips. Before he even knew what hit him, she had her arms wrapped around his neck and was kissing him hungrily. Too aroused to question it, Spike gave himself over to the kiss. It felt so good to have Buffy's arms around him once again. It was so good to feel her warm lips pressed against his cool ones. He pulled her closer and she gave a little moan of pleasure.  
  
Buffy could not believe that she was doing this again. She knew that it was wrong, but she couldn't help it. Fighting with Spike got her so hot, and kissing him mid-argument seemed like a natural part of her defense system. Kinda like the fight or flight response that she had learned about in Freshman Pscyh, only this was kick or kiss. Deep down, Buffy knew that part of the reason why she kissed Spike in times like these was because she didn't want to hear what he had to say next. He was too damn insightful, and it was too painful for her to sit and listen as he blasted through all her carefully constructed walls. Right now, she didn't care. She just wanted to lose herself in the incredible feeling of kissing Spike.  
  
Spike was enjoying it every bit as much as Buffy. He felt her hot little hands snake under his T-shirt and begin caressing his back. Suppressing a groan, he moved his kisses down to the Slayer's neck. He was surprised when Buffy arched her neck toward his searching lips, granting him better access. He felt himself grow even harder at this simple gesture. She trusted him. God, the Slayer actually trusted him enough not to bite her, even though she knew that he could hurt her now. Overcome with emotion, Spike lavished her neck with kisses and was rewarded by her excited murmurs. He could feel the heat coming off of her in waves and smell her steadily growing arousal. Before the passion could overtake them both, Spike broke away. Buffy gave a small grunt of displeasure and tried to force his head back down. Spike couldn't help but chuckle. "Luv, it's not that I'm not enjoying this, but don't you think we ought to move this inside? You never know when one of my undead brethren  
might decide to go out for a midnight snack."  
  
Buffy physically ached at the loss of contact, but she knew that he was right. "Good point. Come on, I'll race ya to the crypt." With a laugh of pure delight, she took of running. Spike took off after her and caught her at the door of the crypt. He wrapped his arms around her and returned his lips to hers once more. They spent several long minutes at the entrance of the crypt kissing and fondling before Buffy suddenly broke off. This time, Spike was the one who tired to pull her back in. Buffy just gave him a wicked grin and reached down to grab a hold of his belt buckle. "Come on, cowboy. Let's get you inside." Laughing she tugged at the buckle and dragged him into the crypt.  
  
The excited couple fumbled their way through the crypt in the dark. Every now and then, they would stop and resume kissing. Buffy didn't know if they were going to be able to make it downstairs. Spike caught her up in another hungry kiss, and she moved to push his duster off his shoulders. There was simply too much clothing between them. Spike responded by shrugging out of the duster and helping her out of her jacket. Buffy gave him another one of her wicked smiles and ripped her tank top over her head. The look of pure desire that sprang to the vampire's eyes made her almost weak in the knees. She reached out and began lifting up Spike's T-shirt, desperate for the feel of his skin. Realizing her frustration, Spike helped out by raising his arms and allowing her to remove the offending garment.  
  
Buffy sucked in a breath at the sight of his beautifully sculpted chest. God, he was perfect, like a work of art. Spike saw the appreciation in her eyes, and it made him want her even more. Pulling her back into his tight embrace, he roamed his hands over the exposed skin of her back. She was so bloody beautiful, and her skin was so soft and silky. Buffy began to rain little kisses all over his chest and Spike knew that he could not wait any longer. He picked the small girl up in his arms and walked quickly to the opening in the floor. He set her down just in front of the ladder, planted a quick kiss on her swollen lips and motioned for her to climb down.  
  
Buffy began to climb down the ladder with Spike right behind her. When she got to the bottom and turned around to look at the bed, she was shocked by what she saw. The room was much neater than the last time she had been down there and there were half burned candles blazing all around the bed. Buffy's mouth hung open in shock, and she stood rooted to the floor. What was that? Oh my fucking God. There were rose petals scattered all over the bed. *Spike* had strewn *rose petals* all over his fucking bed. Spike didn't seem to notice her shock as he came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. He began kissing her neck and fumbling with the button on her pants. He had planned this! The fucking bastard had actually arranged a goddamn seduction scene. Buffy was amazed by his sheer audacity. How could he just assume that she wanted to sleep with him again?  
  
Rage was bubbling inside of her, and Buffy could hold it back no longer. "What the fuck is this?" she spat angrily.  
  
Spike raised his head from her neck in confusion. "What? Oh," he suddenly noticed the state of his bedroom. "I forgot all about it." He lowered his head and purred in her ear. "Do you like it, luv?"  
  
Without warning, Buffy's elbow shot back and connected squarely with Spike's stomach. With a grunt of pain, Spike stumbled backward. "What the hell?"  
  
Buffy whirled on him, her eyes blazing with hatred. "I told you," her arm flew out and punched him in the nose, "not," another punch, "to call me," punch, "luv!" Her leg shot out in a fury and hit him in the chest. The force of the kick set Spike flying back, crashing into the ladder.  
  
Spike was shocked beyond belief. Where the hell was this coming from? What was she on about this time? Gingerly, he touched his battered nose, feeling the blood that had begun to run out. "Luv," he started, taking a step closer to her, "what's the matter?"  
  
"Again with the Luv! What the hell is the matter with you?"  
  
"Me? Nothing's the matter with me. We were having a perfectly lovely time, and all of a sudden you start punching me. What's wrong?"  
  
"Wrong," shrieked Buffy, "I'll tell you what's wrong! You! You are wrong. This," she spun to face the bed and waved her arms wildly, "is wrong! What the hell were you thinking? You thought I'd just come over here and fuck you again? After I told you that this freak show was over? You're pathetic!"  
  
Now Spike was getting angry. "Oh please, Slayer. Don't give me that bullshit! You practically shagged me upstairs, not to mention out in the cemetery. And don't you dare try to deny that was the exact reason why you were coming down here in the first place! Of course I thought you wanted to shag me again! For Christ's sake, you were hanging all over me, ripping my bloody clothes off! What was I supposed to think?"  
  
Buffy had the grace to look embarrassed. He was right. She had been practically begging him for it not five minutes before. All the fire went out of her. How could she be angry with him for wanting to have sex with her when *she* was the one who had started the whole thing? Hell, she had started it every single time. Who could blame him for responding to her advances and maybe even hoping that she would someday make more? This was all her fault. Everything that had happened between them was because of her.  
  
Spike could see the change in Buffy's demeanor and decided to make the best of it. Taking a few steps closer to her, and being careful to keep his voice gentle, he seized his opportunity. "Luv, I'm sorry. You're right. I shouldn't just have assumed that we would end up in bed. It's just that I was so happy when you finally told me that you wanted to talk. I tried to keep a level head, but you know me, not exactly the poster boy for level-headedness. Buffy, I love you. I wanted us to have a perfect night together. I honestly thought you would like it. I just want you to be happy."  
  
"Spike," Buffy's voice almost broke on the word. This was all too much for her. At times like this, when he was so gentle and caring, she could almost believe that he did love her. She could almost even believe that some part of her loved him back. But it wasn't possible. No, it couldn't be real. Her swirling mess of thoughts became too much for Buffy, and she sunk down onto the bed and dropped her head to her hands. Spike took a few more steps in her direction, but he seemed to be afraid to get too close to her.  
  
They stayed that way for several minutes before Buffy finally spoke. Her voice wasn't much stronger than before, and she seemed to be on the verge of tears. "Why do you love me?"  
  
Spike had not been expecting that particular question, and he was momentarily taken aback. "Why do I love you, pet? Now that's a question. I couldn't even to begin to know where to start."  
  
Buffy raised her head to look at him for the first time in what seemed like ages. She was surprised to see that he was naked from the waist up. `Oh yeah, I did that'. For a brief moment, she almost smiled. She couldn't believe that it had taken her all these years to realize how incredibly sexy he was. Just standing there, his pale skin almost glowing in the candle light, and his beautiful blue eyes filled with love, he was a sight to behold. Buffy knew that this man would be the death of her. And not in the bitey sense either. "Please," her voice was colored with desperation, "tell me why you love me. I need to know."  
  
"Okay then, " Spike took a deep, unneeded breath and prepared to tell the love of his unlife all of the reasons why he loved her. "I love you because you're Buffy. You're strong and brave, loyal and true. You're smart and funny and beautiful when you smile. You're so tough, yet vulnerable, too. You love your friends and family with everything you've got, and you'd die to protect them. In fact, you did." Spike's eyes began to water as he got to the last part, but he pushed on. Clearing his throat, he continued. "You've got courage enough to face any evil that comes your way and the determination to live to fight another day. Hell, Buffy, it's more than that. *You're* more than that. It's every bloody thing about you. From the way you're eyes shine when you're happy right down to your incredible stubbornness. You've got this...light inside of you, this fire. I can't even describe."  
  
Spike was frustrated with his inability to accurately put his feelings for her into words. He turned away and began to pace. He needed a smoke. Damn, they were in his duster upstairs. Okay, no problem. There should be another pack in the drawer of his nightstand. Spike walked over and began rummaging around for the cigarettes. Finally, he came up with a half empty pack and a very battered book of matches. Buffy had turned her head to follow his progress and was looking at him intently. Lighting a cigarette, he resumed his pacing. Buffy's eyes followed every movement. Spike smoked furiously as he paced and tried to collect his thoughts.  
  
Suddenly, Buffy broke the silence. "Spike, I--"  
  
"No!" He had finally realized what he wanted to tell her, and he didn't think he could wait another minute. "I'm not finished, luv. There's more, much more." Throwing down the half smoked cigarette, he walked back over to where she sat. "The thing I love most about you, Buffy, is the way you make me feel. When I'm with you, it's almost as if I hadn't died in that stable so long ago. You make me feel...alive. You remind me of what I used to be. You bring back all of the good things that died with William. You make me want to be a better man." He dropped to his knees if front of her and looked deep into her suddenly tear filled eyes. "Pet, that light inside you, it's like my sunshine. Whenever I get close to you, it's like I suddenly have control over who I am, of *what* I am. I want to be good for you. I want to be worthy of your love. I'd do anything, give up anything, just to have your love." Spike reached out and grabbed one of Buffy's hands. He kissed it gently before  
raising it to rest against his face. "I love you, Buffy, with every inch of my being. I love you so much that I..." The weight of his emotions became too much, and Spike suddenly stopped speaking and closed his eyes. He continued to hold Buffy's hand to his face, but he said no more.  
  
Buffy was deeply touched and a little stunned by the vampire's heartfelt revelations. She had slowly begun to admit to herself that Spike's feelings for her were real, but she had never imagined their true depth. Her eyes roamed over Spike's handsome face, and she slowly moved her hand beneath his to caress his cheekbone. If this was indeed how he really felt, and she didn't doubt that it was, it was going to be a whole hell of a lot harder to keep denying that whatever was happening between the two of them was real. No, it couldn't be real. She couldn't love him. She decided to take another stab at denial. "But, you're a vampire," she began.  
  
With an angry roar, Spike dropped her hand and shot to his feet. It was one step forward and two steps back with this woman. He didn't know how much longer he could keep up this particular dance. "Bloody Hell!" he shouted as he turned and stalked away. Suddenly, he stopped and whirled to face her again. "Yes! I am a vampire. And you, you're the Slayer. Newsflash, pet, I didn't have any more choice in the matter than you did. You think that I wanted this sodding excuse for an existence? Do you really think that I, the human William, would have wanted to be turned into this, this monster? No! A thousand times no! I hate what I am. I hate being this monster, and I hate it that I am unworthy of your love!"  
  
"Spike!" Buffy was sobbing now. Tears streamed freely down her face, and her shoulders shook uncontrollably. "You're not a monster! Don't say that!"  
  
Spike's heart broke at the sight of his beautiful Slayer sobbing. He hated causing her pain. Again, he rushed to her side and this time wrapped his arms around the shaking girl. He wanted to lie to her, to tell her that everything was all right and that he wasn't really a monster. But her couldn't lie to her, could never lie to her. Instead, he held her tightly and stoked her hair lovingly. "Yes, Pet, I am a monster. I'm a vampire, and nothing's ever going to change that. But *I* can change. I can be good. I can fight the good fight with you." He pulled away slightly to look at her tear-stained face. "Luv, I can be what ever you want me to be. I just want to be with you. You treat me like a man, and, bugger all, I'm gonna act like one. I can do it, Buffy. I know I can. Please give me the chance."  
  
As Spike continued to hold her, gently rocking her back and forth, Buffy continued to sob. She cried for Spike, and she cried for William and all that he had lost. She cried for herself and the hard road that she knew lay ahead of her. Spike was right. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that she was the Slayer and it wasn't fair that he was a vampire. Neither one of them had had any choice in the matter. They both just tried to deal with it the best they could.  
  
Buffy didn't know if what Spike was saying was true, but she didn't doubt the sentiment behind it. She believed that he thought he could change, but she honestly didn't know if it was possible. Could vampires really learn to control their demons and consciously chose not to kill? If they could, then what did that say about her? She went around dusting any vampire that happened to wander across her path. What if those vampires had the potential to be like Spike? That would mean that she was nothing but a killer. If what he was saying was true, then Buffy wasn't sure how she would be able to keep slaying with a clear conscience. She needed to know more.  
  
"How?" Buffy's sobs had finally abated, but the word was barely more than a whisper.  
  
"How what, luv?" Spike's head was buried in the Slayers hair, and he did not release his hold on her. Buffy pulled back slightly to look into his eyes.  
  
"How can you love me? How can you just choose to be good? How can you go against your very nature? How can you do any of it?" For once, Buffy's voice wasn't angry and accusing. She wasn't attacking him. She just wanted to know.  
  
Spike sighed heavily. He had absolutely no idea himself. How could he possible explain it to her? "I don't know, luv. How can anyone do it? Vampires aren't the only ones capable of being evil, you know. Look at Hitler. He exterminated over six million people, not to mention all the people who died trying to stop him, and he was as human as they come. Everyone had evil inside of them, luv, even you. It's just that most people know how to control it, and they have the ability to discern what's right. But if you really think about it, there are a whole hell of a lot of people out there who are capable of killing, or raping or stealing, and the only reason they don't is because they are afraid of being caught. Do you get what I'm saying?"  
  
Buffy nodded, but didn't say anything. She did understand the point that he was trying to make, but it only confused her more. Spike went on. "When a person is made a vampire, he loses that ability to judge between good and evil. The only thing that matters to a vampire is staying alive, and vampires need blood to live. Hence, we kill. Yeah, there are some, like Angelus for instance, who get off on the killing and the terrorizing, but for the most part, it's all about survival." Spike paused for a moment and seemed to change his mind. "Well, maybe that's not entirely true. I guess it's not all about survival, but that does play a big part. You see, luv, vampires have a whole different culture than humans. Vampire societies have their own sets of rules and regulations. When you become a vampire, you learn to live by those rules, and the human rules cease to become important. Does any of this make any sense?"  
  
"Yeah, it makes sense, but it still doesn't explain how you can be so different. I mean, you don't even have a soul." Buffy was still searching for answers.  
  
Spike groaned. "There's the bloody S-word again! You've been hanging around Peaches too much. Who's to say that I haven't got a soul? The way I figure it, a soul's got nothing to do with it. Vampires have feelings and emotions just like anyone else. The thing that we haven't got, well I guess you could call it a conscience."  
  
"So, you don't feel bad about all the people you've killed?"  
  
"No, luv, I don't. I'm a vampire; it's what we do. Look, I may have made a lot of changes over the past few years, and, yeah, I'm willing to make more, but that doesn't change the fact that I've got a demon inside me. I can't change what I've done in the past. I only have control over what I do now."  
  
"That's true, but the only reason you don't kill now is because of the chip." Buffy saw an emotion that she couldn't quite identify flash quickly across Spike's face. "What if the chip stops working? Who's to say that you wouldn't go right back to killing humans as soon as you were able?" That was one of Buffy's greatest fears. If the chip stopped working, would all of the changes that she had seen in Spike just disappear?  
  
Spike was quiet for a moment. He dropped his eyes from Buffy's and stared intently at his belt buckle. He considered lying; just telling her that he would never bite a single human again, but he couldn't do it. If she found out on her own, she would never forgive him. With a resigned sigh, he raised his head to meet her eyes once again. "I'm not going to lie to you, luv. I know that you're going to be mad when you hear what I have to say, but please just hear me out. Okay?"  
  
Buffy could feel her stomach tying in knots. Whatever was coming couldn't be good. She wasn't sure if she wanted to hear it. She didn't have strength enough to fight with Spike any more that night. "It's okay, just tell me. I promise to listen."  
  
"Um, okay," he carefully eyed her tight leather pants. "You don't have any more stakes on ya, do ya luv?" To his relief, Buffy shook her head no. "Okay, good then. Here goes. The other night, you know, in front of the museum. I was so hurt and angry by what you said to me, how you called me and evil disgusting thing." Spike saw that she was about to speak, and he raised a hand to ward her off. "No, it's okay. That's not the point here. The point is, that's when I realized that I could hurt you without the chip going off. I figured that the sodding thing had finally stopped working all together, and I was so pissed at you for what you said. So, I decided to go out and prove to you, and myself and the whole bloody world for that matter, that I was just as evil and disgusting as you said."  
  
"Spike, you didn't." Buffy's hands had clenched into fists and her eyes were beginning to flash.  
  
"No, I didn't, but you promised to hear me out, remember? As I was saying, I went out to prove that I could still be evil. You seemed to refuse to believe that I could be anything else, so what was the point really? Anyways, I found myself a nice little girl to bite. The problem is, it wasn't quite like I remembered. She was so scared, and, instead of getting off on it like I used to, I started to feel sorry for her. I thought about the Nibblet, and how I would feel if some vamp was going to bite her. It was like everything had changed. I've spent so much time with you and Little Bit and the rest of your gang that I bloody well started to identify with the whole lot of you. What if your hamburger started pleading for its life just as you went to bite into it?"  
  
"So," Buffy's voice was shaking, but there was small speck of hope in it, "you didn't bite her then?"  
  
"Well, no. Not exactly. There I was in this sodding alley, giving myself a bloody pep talk. I used to think that the one thing I wanted most in this world was to be free of that blasted chip--well, before I fell in love with you anyway--and I finally had my chance, but I couldn't do it. Had to talk myself into it, I did. I just kept thinking about you and how you still thought I was evil, no matter all the good things I did. I had to literally force my game face on, but I was determined to prove you right. So, I tried to bite her, but the bloody chip went off. It hurt like hell, and I was really pissed off, but I guess, in a way, I was kind of relieved too." Spike finished his confession and sat quietly. They were no longer touching, and he fidgeted while he waited for Buffy's response.  
  
Buffy wasn't sure what to say. There was a torrent of emotions raging inside of her, and she wasn't sure which one to deal with first. Why did her life have to be so confusing? Why did she even have to be here in the first place? For about the thousandth time since her resurrection, Buffy found herself cursing her friends for bringing her back. If they had only just left her to rest in peace, then she wouldn't have any of these problems.  
  
Buffy looked at Spike and his shirtless chest caused her to suddenly be aware of her own half dressed state. Almost instantly, she was cold. She shivered involuntarily and wrapped her arms around herself, trying to get warm. Spike noticed this and immediately got up from the bed. He retrieved a black T-shirt from his dresser drawer and returned to the bed with it. He held it out to Buffy, and she took it without a word. She slipped it on and eyed his naked chest pointedly. Spike gave her a guilty smile and turned to fetch a shirt for himself. Fully clothed, he returned to the bed and sat next to her again. Buffy still hadn't spoken, and he wasn't sure what to make of her silence.  
  
Sensing Spike's growing agitation, Buffy decided that she had better say something. "So," she began, her voice strangely devoid of emotion, "what you're saying is that you tried to bite her, and that you would have if the chip hadn't interfered. So really, you *are* just a serial killer in prison. The minute you got your chance, you rushed out to kill someone."  
  
Spike flinched noticeably at her words. "Now, pet, you've got to consider the circumstances. I was brassed off at you and incredibly hurt by what you had said to me. It was rash and stupid, and I know that now. If I had to do it over again, I surely wouldn't."  
  
"Yeah," snorted Buffy, "because it gave you one hell of a headache. What would have happened if the chip hadn't gone off? What if it stopped working for real? You could have killed her. You would have killed her! And it would be my fault for not staking you a long time ago."  
  
At the mention of staking, Spike scooted a little away from the Slayer. He wasn't taking any chances. "Weren't you listening before? I don't think I could have killed her. Even if the chip hadn't gone off, I don't think I could have gone through with it. That's not what I want anymore. Buffy, I don't want to go back to what I was. I honestly don't know if I'm still capable of taking a human life in cold blood anymore."  
  
"Oh yeah?" Buffy sounded doubtful. "And when exactly did you start placing such a high value on human life?"  
  
"When I lost you." Spike's voice was soft, and his eyes were starting to fill with tears again.  
  
"Oh." It was all Buffy could say. She hadn't been prepared for that response.  
  
"Yeah, oh. Buffy, your dying was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I didn't think I could go on, but I had to. I promised you that I'd protect Nibblet, and I was determined to keep that promise. Still, it was bloody well that hardest thing that I ever had to do. Those 147 days were the longest of my entire life and unlife put together. Every night I would dream of you. Every night I saved you. But every day I had to live with the fact that I had failed you. If only I had been a little stronger, or a little more cleaver, you might not of had to jump. But you did, and you were gone, and it was horrible."  
  
Buffy could see the unshed tears glistening in the vampire's blue eyes, and she could hear the genuine emotion in his throaty voice. It made her heart hurt, and she decided to take pity on him and tell him what she should have told him the last time he had given her the "Every Night" speech. "Spike," she reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, "you didn't fail me. I don't believe that, and you shouldn't either. You did the best you could, and that's all I could ever ask. I made the decision to jump, me, and me alone. It had nothing to do with you."  
  
"Yeah, but it still doesn't matter. You still jumped, and you were still just as dead. And I was in so much pain. Everyone was, your kid sis, your Watcher and all your Scooby pals. I looked around me, and all I saw was pain. That's when I decided that I never wanted to be the cause of that pain, to anyone, ever again. I know that I haven't given you much reason to trust me, but I'm telling the truth here. I meant it when I said that when you treat me like a man it makes me want to act like one. But, Buffy, when you treat me like a monster, then I act like one. What am I supposed to do? Either way I lose. I act like a man and you still don't love me, but when I act like a monster, you don't trust me, or, worse yet, you stake me."  
  
Buffy could see the tremendous pain on Spike's face, and her heart went out to him. She reached forward to wrap him in a comforting hug. Spike's arms immediately went around her, and he started to cry in earnest as he buried his head in her hair. Buffy just continued to hug him for all she was worth. God, it really wasn't fair. He was right. What was he supposed to do? Resting her head against his hard shoulder, Buffy came to a decision. She would help him. Maybe, if she could continue treating Spike like a man, then he would continue to act like one. She could talk to the gang and get them to act the same. Maybe, with enough help, he could overcome his demon and turn his back on the whole evil thing. She really wished that she still had Giles to talk to. He would probably have some good insights. Well, there was always Willow, but wait, Willow had her own problems now. Buffy shouldn't be bothering her with Spike's. Damn, she really didn't have anyone to turn to. The tears  
crept up without warning and quickly overtook her. Spike's arms tightened around her as Buffy began to cry.  
  
They stayed that way for a long time, vampire and Slayer wrapped in an embrace. This time, there was no passion, just a mutual need for comfort. Buffy was still slightly amazed by the fact that she could feel so safe in Spike's arms. Despite the coolness of his body, there was definite warmth in his embrace. She gave herself over to the feeling of calm that had begun to surround her, and lost herself completely in her ex-mortal enemy's arms.  
  
Spike was the first to stop crying. He was so grateful to Buffy for giving him this small comfort. He knew that she must be confused and angry by his confession about the girl in the alley, but she had not failed to notice his pain. He never ceased to be surprised by the love that lay inside this woman. It was a pity that she took such great pains to protect it. His greatest hope was that one day Buffy would love him the way her loved her, but for now at least, he was content to simply feel her arms around him.  
  
Buffy's tears were coming to an end, and she slowly started to realize how late it must be. She hated to leave, they still had so much to talk about, but she needed to get back to Dawn. Giving Spike one final squeeze, Buffy broke the hug. "Spike, I know how hard it must have been for you to tell me that, and I'm very glad that you did. I know that you're trying to be good, and I promise that I'll do anything I can to help you. There's so much more that we still need to talk about, so many things that I want to say to you, but I need to go now." Seeing that Spike was about to protest, Buffy hurried on. "I don't want to leave you either, but I have to. Dawn's home alone, and I don't know if Willow will be there or what kind of shape she'll be in. You understand, don't you?"  
  
Spike did understand. He didn't like the thought of Nibblet alone with Red either. Of course, that didn't mean that he wouldn't give anything just to have Buffy stay five more minutes. Slowly, he nodded his head and gave the Slayer a weak smile. "It's okay, luv. You should go home to the Little Bit. Maybe we could talk again tomorrow?"  
  
Buffy almost smiled. Spike's voice had a pleading quality to it that she had never imagined she'd hear. "It's a deal. Don't forget, Dawn's coming over, and then we have the Scooby meeting. Maybe afterwards we can find some time to talk. But there will be no mood lighting and no rose petals, okay?" Spike just gave her an embarrassed grin and nodded his head.  
  
"Good." Buffy stood up and began to walk toward the ladder. Just as she was putting her foot on the bottom rung, she felt Spike's hand on her shoulder.  
  
"Slayer, wait."  
  
She turned to face him. "What is it?" Buffy was afraid that she already knew.  
  
"Give us a kiss, luv. Please?"  
  
Buffy's heart melted at the look on his face. She decided that one kiss wouldn't be so bad. "Okay, but just one." She leaned in to brush her lips gently against his. What had started out as an innocent little kiss quickly developed into something more serious. Buffy's arms went around Spike's neck, almost involuntarily, and she felt his arms encircle her waist. He pulled her a little closer as the kiss deepened. It was like no kiss they had ever shared before. This time, there was no anger, no passion, no fighting to establish dominance. There was only gentle searching and quiet longing. Spike's lips were soft on hers, and his tongue gently explored her mouth.  
  
Buffy felt herself becoming overwhelmed by emotion. This was so different than anything she had ever experienced. When she had kissed Angel, she felt like she was going to die. When she had kissed Riley, well, she really hadn't felt much of anything. He had never really penetrated her soul the way Angel had. If she really thought about it, Riley had been the one who was convenient, not Spike, never Spike. Now that she was kissing Spike--a real kiss this time, one filled with tenderness and desire, with understanding and just a touch of sadness--Buffy really couldn't say exactly what she was feeling. All she knew was that she felt alive. It was one of the few times since coming back from the dead that Buffy had felt truly alive. If forced to examine the issue, she would have to admit that the only times she *ever* felt alive were when she was with Spike.  
  
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the kiss ended. Spike looked at her with such love in his eyes, that Buffy didn't trust herself to speak. She simply turned away from him and made her way up the ladder and out of the crypt as quickly as possible. She didn't even stop to pick up her discarded jacket and tank top. She was half afraid that Spike would follow her up and didn't want to spend even one second longer than necessary, lest she never leave. It was with a mixture of relief and disappointment that she realized that Spike wasn't following her. Utterly confused by the night's events, the Slayer made her way home. 


	6. The Morning

If Not Wisely  
  
Chapter 6: The Morning  
  
Spoilers: Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.  
  
Rating: R for swearing and some sexual situations.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine.  
  
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing. Constructive criticism is welcome.  
  
Distribution: So far, just here. If anyone wants it, just let me know.  
  
Summary: Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.  
  
A/N: I noticed when uploading my Word document for the first couple of chapters that my italics somehow disappeared, so I'm trying a new tactic. I'm using *word* for emphasis and single quotations for the characters thoughts. Thanks to the nice people who left reviews. It made my day. More chapters to come.  
  
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Buffy carefully opened the door to the house on Revello Drive and stepped quietly inside. There was one small light burning in the living room, but it looked live everyone had gone to sleep. Turning out the light, Buffy kicked off her boots and tip toed up the stairs. She wanted to see if Willow had come home and make sure that her sister was okay.  
  
Stopping outside of her mother's old room, Buffy listened momentarily at the door. She could hear noises coming from inside. Easing the door open a bit, she stuck her head inside. Willow lay in bed, sleeping fitfully. She had kicked the covers off, and top sheet was tangled around her legs. In the faint light that came from the window, the witch appeared to be sweating as she tossed fitfully in her sleep. A frown creased Buffy's brow as she gazed at her friend with worry. Willow moaned and flopped over onto her stomach. `This does not look good,' Buffy thought as she gently shut the door.  
  
Continuing down the hall, Buffy stopped in front of Dawn's door. She could clearly hear her sister's cries from the other side. Taking no care to be silent this time, she threw open the door and rushed inside, afraid of what she might see. Dawn, too, was tossing in her sleep. Her arms flailed violently as she cried out. "Willow, no! Watch out! You're going too fast." Not waiting to hear another word, Buffy quickly ran to her sister's side. She gently picked up the sobbing girl and wrapped her arms tightly around her.  
  
"Dawnie, shush. It's okay. Everything's okay. You're safe." Buffy continued to rock her sister and reassuringly stoke her shiny dark hair.  
  
"Buffy?" Dawn was slowly coming awake. "Oh God, Buffy. I was so scared. Willow...the car." She started to cry even harder.  
  
"It's okay. It was just a dream Dawnie, just a dream. I've got you. You're okay." Buffy's calming words finally managed to do their job and Dawn's crying came to a stop. She pulled slightly away to look at her sister's tear-stained face. She gently brushed a lock of hair out of the girl's eye. "Feel better?"  
  
"Yeah. I'm sorry for being such a baby. I was just so scared. It seemed so real." Dawn reached out to hug her big sister once more.  
  
"It's okay. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's only natural that you have nightmares."  
  
Grateful for the comfort of Buffy's arms, Dawn drew in a ragged breath. Something was off. Buffy didn't smell right. She usually smelled like a combination of apple shampoo and vanilla body lotion. Now she smelled like...smoke. "Buffy, you reek of smoke." She pulled back to study her sister carefully. "Is that Spike's shirt you're wearing?"  
  
Buffy's mouth dropped open in shock. She had totally forgotten that she was still wearing Spike's T-shirt. Shit, she was busted. "What? This? Oh, it's nothing. I, uh, I...You see, it's just..."  
  
Dawn's Spike smirk appeared on her face as she listened to her sister stammer. "Why are you wearing Spike's shirt? Did you guys...you know...did you?" Dawn let her question trail off. As much satisfaction as she was getting from seeing Buffy squirm, she just couldn't bring herself to actually say it.  
  
"What? No! Dawn, no!" Jesus Christ! Now her little sister thought she'd had sex with Spike. Well, she had, but not that night. But that was beside the point. Buffy's mind scrambled to find a reasonable explanation. "No, how could you even ask that? Of course we didn't. We were patrolling, see, and there was this big demon, and I killed him, and he oozed this disgusting slime all over me, and it got on my shirt and I couldn't wear it home that way, and Spike's crypt was much closer, and so he let me borrow this." Buffy knew that she was babbling and that she should probably quit while she was ahead, but she couldn't force her lips to stop moving. "So, you see, it's nothing, really. Definitely not what you were thinking. Nope, just a little demon slayage. Just another exciting night in the life of the Slayer. Did I mention that I was covered in slime? `Cause I was. And Spike lent me a shirt, that's all."  
  
Dawn smiled. She knew her sister was lying. The babbling was a dead giveaway. This was almost too good to be true. Were Buffy and Spike finally getting together? She couldn't wait to grill Spike about it the next day. He wasn't any better of a liar than Buffy, and at least he didn't insist on treating her like some baby who was too young to know about the birds and the bees. "Whatever you say, Babble-Girl." Dawn could barely contain her laughter. "So, what kind of a demon was it, anyway?"  
  
"What kind?" Buffy didn't know what to say. What kind of demons had slime anyway? Remembering something Spike had said to her once, she quickly recovered. "Oh, it was a Chaos Demon. Real nasty thing, all slime and antlers. Don't worry though, we killed it." Buffy was starting to get into her little cover story. "Yep, he's dead. Won't be causing any more trouble around here. You shoulda seen the way I--"  
  
"Okay!" Dawn was shaking from her barely restrained laughter. "I got the picture now. Demon. Slime. Killed it dead. Shirt got dirty. If you say that you weren't shagging Spike, then I believe you." She tried to sound innocent, but the smile would not leave her face.  
  
"Shagging? Dawn, since when do you say shagging? You *are* hanging out with Spike too much! Besides, there was no shagging. Absolutely no shagging whatsoever!" At least that part was true.  
  
"Okay, okay. Enough! I'm going back to sleep. Thanks for calming me down." Dawn settled down into her bed and pulled the covers up to her chin. "I love you, Buffy."  
  
Buffy bent down and kissed her sister softly on the forehead. "I love you too, Dawnie. Good night." She turned and walked out of the room as quickly as possible, but not before she heard Dawn let out a final giggle.  
  
Buffy made it back to her room and sank down on her bed with a sigh. It had been a close call, but she thought that her sister believed the lame cover story. At least, she hoped so. If Dawn found of what had happened between her and Spike, Buffy would never hear the end of it. She needed to get to Spike and tell him the cover story before Dawn had a chance to interrogate him. Buffy's mind immediately went back to the events that had taken place earlier in the evening. She gently brought a finger up to touch her lips, remembering their final kiss. It had seemed so different, yet so familiar. Buffy wondered if there would be more kisses like that in her future.  
  
Sighing again, she stood to take off her pants. She decided to sleep in Spike's T-shirt. It smelled like him, like cigarettes and whisky and...him. It was a good smell, and Buffy wanted to enjoy it. She was still terribly confused, but, right now, she almost felt a little bit happy. `Might as well enjoy it while I can'. Who knew what he might do to piss her off tomorrow. Buffy pulled back the covers and got into bed. Snuggling under the blankets, she turned her head to sniff her black-clad shoulder. Yeah, it smelled good. With a small smile of contentment, Buffy drifted off to sleep.  
  
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BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. The sound of the alarm clock ripped through the silence in the bedroom. With a groan, Buffy turned over to hit snooze for the third time. She had been dreaming of Spike lips. Lips of Spike. It was a pretty good dream, and she *really* wanted to get back to it. Just as she was beginning to drift off again, the door flew open and Dawn burst in. She was carrying a plastic dry cleaning bag in one hand and a roll of duct tape in the other. Buffy immediately shot up into a sitting position. "I'm up! I'm up. Okay, I'm up."  
  
"Then get out of bed," shouted Dawn. "Come on, Buffy, I need your help to wrap up my stupid cast so that I can take a shower. I'm going to school today, remember? Plus, I need lunch money, and you still have to write me an excuse note for missing yesterday." Buffy flopped back down onto the bed, and Dawn shrieked in protest. "Buffy! I'm going to be late. Come *on*!"  
  
With another loud groan, Buffy pulled the covers back and got out of bed. "Okay, *now* I'm up. Come here, and I'll wrap up your cast. What do you want for breakfast?" Seeing that Dawn had made no attempt to move, Buffy became concerned. "What's wrong? Do you need another pain pill?" Dawn just continued to stand there, and an evil smirk began to spread across her face. "What?"  
  
"Ah, Buffy, how cute! You slept in your boyfriend's shirt. Wow, this must be love."  
  
Buffy looked down at her borrowed shirt and was suddenly very embarrassed. Her embarrassment quickly turned to anger when she noticed that Dawn was still smirking at her. "Are you crazy? Spike is not my boyfriend! And I am not in love! You have no idea what you're talking about, so why don't you just shut up?"  
  
Dawn would have loved to take advantage of this golden opportunity and tease the hell out of her sister, but she was running late and didn't have the time. "Fine, whatever, just help me."  
  
Buffy was tempted to tell her bratty little sister to do it her own damn self, but thought the better of it. She quickly wrapped up Dawn's cast and sent her off to the shower with a promise of scrambled eggs and toast. Despite Buffy's irritation at Dawn's adolescent teasing, she really was in quite a good mood.  
  
As she made her way to the stairs, Buffy stopped to listen outside Willow's door. She could hear the witch moving around inside. Good, maybe they would get a chance to talk today. Buffy was still really worried about her friend, and the no-show act that Willow had pulled yesterday didn't make it any better. With a sigh--what the hell was she going to say to her anyway--Buffy moved away from the door and continued down to the kitchen. She busied herself putting on coffee and starting Dawn's breakfast, and tried not to think about Willow and what might happen if the witch ever decided to show her face.  
  
Just as Buffy was pouring herself a cup of coffee, she heard someone coming down the stairs. Figuring that it must be Dawn, she called out, "Dawn, eggs will be ready in five!" She was a little surprised to see Willow poke her head into the kitchen. "Oh, Willow, hi. Didn't know you were up. How are you?"  
  
"Fine," mumbled Willow as she walked straight past Buffy to get to the fridge. She looked terrible, and Buffy couldn't help but be shocked by her friend's appearance. Willow had dark circles under her red-rimmed eyes, and her hair was lank and greasy. She looked thinner than usual and like she hadn't slept in days.  
  
Buffy felt sorry for her friend. It couldn't be easy just quitting magic cold turkey like that. After all, she hadn't had much luck kicking the Spike habit herself. "You want some eggs? These are Dawn's, but it'll only take a few minutes for me to make more." She tried to keep her voice light and cheerful, no sense upsetting Willow when she looked this bad.  
  
Willow grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and winced at Buffy's invitation. She had felt instantly nauseous the second she had smelled the eggs. There was no way she would be able to even pretend to eat. "Um, no, that's okay. Don't really feel like eggs." Seeing that Buffy was about to offer some other form of food that would undoubtedly be equally as offensive to her already churning stomach, Willow added, "I'll just grab something at the student union."  
  
"Um, okay." Buffy could tell that her friend had absolutely no intention of eating, but she decided not to push it. "How `bout some coffee then? We've got that French Vanilla creamer that you like. Or, if you want, we could mix some coco powder in. Kinda like a mocha?"  
  
"No!" Willow hadn't meant it to come out that strong, but, goddess, she was going to heave right there on the kitchen floor. Trying to cover, she gave Buffy a weak smile. "It just feels more like a water day. My stomach's kinda squishy." She closed the refrigerator door and sat down at the island, immediately dropping her head to her hands.  
  
Unsure of what to say next, Buffy walked over to the stove and stirred Dawn's eggs. She had never seen Willow like this before, and she didn't know what to make of it. Did it mean that she was going through magic withdrawals, or did it mean that she was suffering the after effects of another magic binge? Biting her lip in frustration, Buffy tried to think of something to say. When nothing immediately popped into her head, she decided just to go for the truth. She turned around to face Willow, took a deep breath, and let it fly. "Will, you don't look so hot. Are you okay? I really think you need to eat something."  
  
With a sigh, Willow dropped her head to the counter. She was not in the mood to deal with this right now. She briefly considered another forgetting spell to make Buffy shut the hell up. Then again, that's what had gotten her into this trouble in the first place. If only she could just go back and make sure that no one ever found out about the stupid Tabula Rasa spell. If Tara hadn't left, she never would've de-ratted Amy, and if she had never de-ratted Amy, then she never would have gone to Rack in the first place. If she had never gone to Rack, then she wouldn't be feeling like crap right now, and Buffy wouldn't be talking her goddamn ear off. `I wonder if there's some sort of spell that would turn back time? Amy might know.'   
  
Willow realized that Buffy was staring at her with worry. `Right, gotta defuse that one.' "Buffy, I'm fine. It's no big. I just didn't sleep well last night, and I've got a big French Lit test today. I'm just nervous about it. That's all it is, really." Willow was pleased with herself. She could be a pretty darn good liar when she wanted to be, and she was sure that Buffy would fall for it.  
  
But Buffy didn't fall for it. She knew her friend too well, and she really didn't appreciate being lied to. Turning the heat off under Dawn's eggs so that they wouldn't burn, Buffy walked over to where Willow sat. "Willow, don't lie to me. I know something is wrong, and I know it's a hell of a lot more than some test. Listen, I know how hard this is for you, and I want to help you, but I can't unless you talk to me."  
  
Willow's head shot up angrily. "What the hell do you know? You don't know shit! You have no idea what this feels like. Remember what you were like when you turned eighteen and the Council stole your Slayer strength? I seem to recall that you weren't too freaking happy about it! So, don't you dare stand there and lecture to me!"  
  
Buffy blanched at Willow's mention of the Council's little test. "Don't bring me into this! That wasn't an entirely different situation and you know it!"  
  
"Why shouldn't I bring you into it? You're the one who claims she knows everything! Besides, I don't seem to remember it being all that different."  
  
"Willow! That's bullshit, and you know it. I needed my powers--"  
  
"And so do I!" Willow's face was flushed with the heat of her anger, and she had a look in her eyes that was making Buffy grow increasingly uneasy.  
  
"No! You don't need them. You just want them so that you can feel all big and special and be Little Miss Super-Wicca. I needed my powers to slay, to protect people. That's what I do; I save people. You, on the other hand, almost got my little sister killed!"  
  
"Oh, yeah," Willow laughed bitterly. "You're the Chosen One and I'm just some would-be killer! What do you think you do every night, huh, Buffy? You kill! I didn't mean to hurt Dawn, and you know it, so don't even go there. You may be the Slayer, but don't for one second forget that I am stronger and more powerful than you. I could take you out in the blink of an eye, and I don't think it's a very good idea to piss me off." Willow's voice had a menacing quality that Buffy had only heard once before; when she had been battling Glory.  
  
Just as Willow's eyes began to flash and turn black, Dawn walked into the kitchen. She had heard the shouting from upstairs and had come to see what was going on. Seeing Willow's eyes, she panicked. "Buffy! Watch out!"  
  
Buffy whirled at the sound of her sister's voice and didn't notice the change taking place in Willow's eyes. "Dawn, it's okay." She rushed over to where Dawn was holding back in the doorway clutching her broken arm. Seeing the terrified look on her sister's face, Buffy pulled her into a hug. "It's okay. Just a little argument. Nothing to worry about."  
  
Looking fearfully over Buffy shoulder at Willow, Dawn noticed that all the black had gone out of the witch's eyes, and they now looked completely normal. Dawn had seen Willow's eyes like that right after she had come out of the crack house, and she knew it wasn't a good sign. Whatever she had been planning on doing to Buffy, it must've been bad.  
  
Willow got up off her stool and took a few steps toward the two sisters. "Dawnie," she began hesitantly.  
  
Buffy's head turned at the sound of her sister's name. All of the menace was gone from Willow's voice, and she sounded like regular old Willow again. Buffy wasn't sure exactly had happened to scare Dawn so much, but she didn't think that it would be a good idea to the let the witch get too close to her sister.  
  
"Dawnie," Willow started again, "how's you arm? Are you okay? I'm really sorry about what happened." She took another step towards the pair.  
  
"Get away from me," Dawn spat, her voice filled with loathing, "and don't you *dare* touch my sister!"  
  
"Dawnie...I...okay, you're still mad. I understand. I'll just go upstairs and finish getting ready for class. Big test today and all. Sorry about all the yelling, Buffy." Willow quickly walked out of the kitchen, making sure to cut a wide swath around Dawn and Buffy.  
  
As soon as she was gone, Buffy disentangled herself from the hug and held Dawn out at arm's length. "What was that all about? I mean, I know we were arguing pretty loudly, but it wasn't really that bad. Why'd you freak out?"  
  
"Why'd I freak out? Buffy, didn't you see her eyes? I think she was going to do a spell on you."  
  
"What? What was wrong with her eyes? Why would you think she was going to do a spell on me? Willow wouldn't do that!"  
  
"Buffy, her eyes were going all black and stuff. I've seen it before. It's what happened after she came out of the Rack guy's magical crack house, right before that demon started chasing us." Dawn looked at her sister pleadingly, hoping that she would believe her. "Something bad was going to happen. I know it."  
  
"Okay, Dawn." Buffy hadn't seen anything strange about Willow's eyes, but she decided to just go with it. "Everything's fine now. Please calm down. I'll take care of Willow." She went to the stove and scooped Dawn's rapidly cooling eggs out of the skillet and onto a plate. "Here, eat your eggs before they get cold. We don't have much time if you wanna make homeroom."  
  
"I'm not hungry," grumbled Dawn. She didn't think Buffy was taking her seriously enough, but she didn't want to be late for school, so she chose to let it drop for the time being.  
  
"Dawn!" Buffy had on her mom-voice. "You need to eat. Besides, I made these just for you. You don't want them to go to waste do, you?"  
  
"Fine! Give `em." Dawn took the plate at sat down at the island. Hearing Buffy's mom-voice brought back her bratty teenager side. "Um, I kinda need a fork." Buffy made a face, but she went and fetched a fork for her sister. Not bothering to say thank you for the fork, Dawn continued to make with the bratty. "We got any OJ?"  
  
"Quit being a brat! Get your own damn juice." Buffy was getting tired of all the attitude. Too bad that Dawn chose that exact moment to give her the puppy dog eyes. Slayer or not, no mere mortal could resist. She went to get the juice.  
  
The Slayer's efforts were finally rewarded with a, "Thanks, Buffy," as Dawn began to shovel down her eggs. Just as Buffy was setting the juice in front of her, Dawn noticed the clock. She grabbed the glass out of her sister's hand and drank it down in one gulp. "Shit! It's late! I gotta go! Did you write me my note? Don't forget I need money." The last bit was said around one final mouthful of scrambled eggs.  
  
"Dawn! Language! Shit, I forgot about the note!" Dawn gave Buffy a pointed look. "Hey, I'm older. I can swear if I want. You, on the other hand, are much too young. Go get your stuff. I'll walk you to school and explain to the attendance office in person. Oh, can you bring down my purse? I think I've got some cash in there."  
  
"Bloody Hell!" Dawn swore as she headed for the stairs.  
  
"I heard that, young lady," came Buffy's voice from the kitchen. Dawn just laughed and ran up to get her stuff.  
  
She was back in a minute and handed Buffy her purse. Buffy rummaged through it and pulled out a twenty. "Is this enough for the week? Wait," she put the twenty back in her wallet and pulled out a ten, "I forgot, it's Wednesday already. Here, this should do it." Dawn made a face, but Buffy chose to ignore it. "Are you ready? We should really get going."  
  
"Um, Buffy, if you think that you are going to walk into my school wearing nothing but your new boyfriend's T-shirt, you are sorely mistaken. I would never hear the end of it."  
  
Buffy looked down at her outfit. Ohmigod! She hadn't even gotten dressed yet. How had her mom handled all of this? "Good call. Give me a sec, and I'll change." Buffy made it all the way to the top of the steps before she remembered to yell out, "And Spike is *not* my boyfriend!" She heard Dawn giggle from the foyer, and swore to herself. She would kill that girl yet. 


	7. The Crypt

If Not Wisely  
  
Chapter 7: The Crypt  
  
Spoilers: Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.  
  
Rating: R for swearing and some sexual situations.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine.  
  
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing. Constructive criticism is welcome.  
  
Distribution: So far, just here. If anyone wants it, just let me know.  
  
Summary: Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.  
  
A/N: I was totally annoyed by the lack of Spike/Dawn interaction in tonight's episode, despite the fact that there were many prime opportunities. Look for some major Spike/Dawn chocolaty goodness to come. Please review, it makes it so much easier to write new stuff!  
  
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After Buffy had dropped Dawn off at school and squared everything away with the attendance office, she decided to drop by Spike's crypt on her way home. She knew that he'd still be sleeping, but she wanted to warn him that Dawn had decided to come over straight from school. Plus, she had to fill him in on the whole Chaos Demon cover story. Dawn was sure to grill him about it, and Buffy wanted to make sure that their stories matched. No need to raise any more suspicion.  
  
She was a little nervous about seeing Spike again, but she really didn't know why. It had absolutely nothing to do with the kiss they had shared the night before, that was for sure. Well, almost nothing. She ran a hand through her tangled hair, wishing that she'd had more time to get ready. She was wearing a pair of running pants and a long-sleeved T-shirt with sneakers. Hell, she hadn't had time to even put on make-up. But then again, why should Buffy care what she looked like? She was only going to see Spike, and that was no big. She'd done it a million times before, and this time was no different. `Except for the kiss.'   
  
Buffy's thoughts immediately flew back to the events of the night before. She touched her mouth again, remembering. That had been their first real kiss. At least, it had been the first one that had had genuine emotion behind it and wasn't fueled by anger or hormones or a blind need to feel something, anything. It had really been quite...sweet. Okay, something was definitely wrong with this picture. Spike and sweet were unmixy things. Kinda like Buffy and driving, or Buffy and alcohol, or Buffy and...damn, she really didn't mix with much. So, Spike's kiss had been sweet, he was probably just trying to ensure that she didn't stake him after his little "I almost bit a girl and drained her dry" confession.  
  
Thinking about how Spike had almost fallen off the people wagon--and right onto some poor girl--made Buffy more than a little uneasy. They would definitely have to talk some more about that issue. Despite his tearful declarations of the night before, she still wasn't sure if she could trust the vampire not to bite. Oops! She was supposed to be treating Spike like a man. Buffy figured that the best way to make sure she treated him like a man was to make sure that she always thought of him as one. Still, old habits die hard.  
  
Before she even knew it, Buffy was standing in front of Spike's crypt. She paused outside the door. Suddenly, she was afraid to go in. No, not afraid, just cautious. She didn't want to take him by surprise and risk ending up on the business end of a stake. She had seen before how wary Spike was of unexpected visitors. It didn't help that most of the demon population in Sunnydale was gunning for him. `Because of me.' Still, she was being stupid. Just open the door and walk inside. `What is the problem here?'  
  
Easing open the door, Buffy stepped inside the dark crypt. She was careful not to let too much sunlight in. Didn't wanna risk any nasty burns. "Spike? Are you awake?" Buffy deliberately kept her voice low. She knew that he wouldn't be awake yet, and some small part of her wanted to watch him sleep, just for a moment. She quietly made her was to the hole in the ground that led to the lower level. "Spike," she called again, peeking into the chasm. Oh well, she would just have to go wake him up.  
  
Buffy hit the floor at the bottom of the ladder and turned to look at her sleeping...what? What the hell was he anyway? Her lover? Well, technically he was, but she would never use that term to describe him. Friend? Sometimes. Buffy couldn't help but think of all the times that she'd gone to him right after she had risen from the dead. At the time, he had seemed to be the only one who didn't want anything from her, didn't need anything from her. He had listened to her talk and kept her secrets. She could tell him anything without worrying how he'd react. Suddenly, Buffy knew exactly what Dawn had been talking about the night before. Buffy had told Spike all of the things that she had been afraid to tell her friends, and she hadn't had to worry how it would affect him. Without bidding, something that Spike had said--or rather, sung--to her on that fateful night, the night this whole big mess had started, came rushing back to her. "Whisper in a dead man's ear, doesn't make it  
real." No, but that wasn't it. Buffy refused to believe that it was true. Spike was somehow...comforting. They could sit in silence for hours, and she would feel better just knowing that he was there. She really had been starting to think of him as a friend. That was, until he had told her to stop coming to him. At the time, Buffy had been really hurt by that, but, looking back, she could see his point. It must be hard for Spike to have her so close to him, always crying on his shoulder, but not really *have* her.  
  
Buffy was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of Spike sighing in his sleep. She took a moment to look at him, really look at him. God, he was beautiful. In sleep, Spike's face looked so peaceful and gentle. All traces of his cocky smugness were gone, and all that was left was a thing of beauty. Unconsciously, she took a few steps closer to the bed. Except for the fact that he wasn't breathing, Spike looked just like a regular person, not an evil vampire. No one who stumbled upon this scene could possibly ever think that he was anything other than an extremely handsome man. Buffy smiled wistfully, wishing that that were the case. If only he wasn't a vampire, then things would be so much easier.  
  
Without warning, the silence was broken. "Bloody Hell, Slayer! You gonna stand there all day? Get your cute little arse over here and into my bed."  
  
"Spike!" Buffy hadn't known that he was awake. How long had he been pretending to be asleep?  
  
"Not that this isn't a perfectly lovely wake up call, pet, but it's much to early for us vamps to be up and about. Now, come *on*!" He scooted over a bit in the bed and lifted up the sheet to allow her access. He was naked underneath.  
  
"Spike," Buffy shrieked again, "You're naked!" Quickly, before she could see any more, Buffy spun around so that her back was to him.  
  
"Bloody Hell! Haven't we already gone through this little song and dance, Slayer? There's no need for your little blushing virgin act. You've seen it all before." When Buffy still did not turn around Spike sighed and dropped the sheet back down. "All right, be that way. But I'm not getting up, and I'm certainly not getting dressed, so if you're not here to get in bed with me, then for pity's sake tell me why you *are* here. And make it quick; I need my beauty rest."  
  
"You got that right!" Buffy was trying to act like the whole naked thing didn't bother her, but she didn't have the courage to turn around. After all, she couldn't be tempted by what she couldn't see.  
  
"Come now, you're being ridiculous! Turn around, Slayer, I've got all my naughty bits covered now, I promise." Spike's voice was smooth as silk, and just listening to it made Buffy's stomach do strange things.  
  
"You promise?"  
  
"Bloody Hell!"  
  
"Fine, I'll turn around, but you'd better not be lying, or I'll--"  
  
"Let me guess," Buffy could hear the smirk in his voice, "you'll stake me good and proper. Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before. Sing me a new one, Slayer."  
  
Buffy spun around quickly to face him. Thankfully, he was covered to the waist, but the way he was lounging there with his hands behind his head and that smug look on his face made Buffy want to scream. "Spike, I know that your one joy in life is annoying me, but now is really not the time. I need to talk to you."  
  
The grin immediately flew from Spike's face, and he sat up abruptly. "What is it? Is the Little Bit okay? Did Red do something to her?"  
  
"What? Oh...no...that's not it." Why had she come anyway? Suddenly, Buffy had no idea what she had wanted to talk to him about. "No, Willow didn't do anything to Dawn. She and I had a big fight this morning though."  
  
"Who? You and Dawn?"  
  
"No, me and Willow." Buffy walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge, far away from Spike's naked body.  
  
"You don't say. What happened?" Spike relaxed back down onto the bed and rolled on his side to look at her. He was relieved that the Little Bit wasn't in any danger, but he was still concerned.  
  
"Oh, Spike, it was awful. Willow has totally changed. I barely even recognize her anymore. You should have seen her. She looked terrible."  
  
Spike could see that her eyes were beginning to tear up, so he stretched out an arm to gently rub her back. "What happened, luv?"  
  
Buffy turned to look at him. She could see the worry written all over his face. When had this happened? When had Spike turned from some psychotic vampire, whose only real goal in life had been to bag his third Slayer, into this kind and caring *man*? She gave him a little smile of thanks as Spike continued to rub the small of her back. More than anything, she just wanted to lie down in bed and let him wrap his arms around her and hold her until she felt better. But she couldn't. Maybe she shouldn't even be letting him rub her back. She didn't want to give him the wrong idea. Her feelings for him may have softened a bit since last night, but she still didn't think that she should let herself get involved romantically with a vampire. Then again, it felt so good. Why the hell not?  
  
Slowly, she recounted the morning's events. She could feel Spike growing more and more agitated as she went on. When she got to the part about Willow starting to cast a spell on her, Spike shot up to a sitting position once again.  
  
"WHAT? That crazy bint was going to cast a spell on you? She didn't hurt you, did she?"  
  
"Calm down, Spike. No, she didn't hurt me. I don't even know for sure exactly what happened. Dawn said that she saw Willow's eyes go all black and stuff. I don't really know what that means, or even if that's what she really saw, but Dawn seemed to think that it wasn't a good sign."  
  
"She's right. It's not a good sign. I've seen it before. It means that Red was channeling some serious mojo, black stuff."  
  
"What?" Buffy was confused. "How do you know that?"  
  
Spike sighed and flopped back down onto the bed. "Well, for one thing, I've been around for a century and a half, I think I've seen my share of dark magic. For another, I worked side by side with Red all summer, and I've seen her use that stuff more than once."  
  
"But...Willow wouldn't...I mean, Giles has always told us...it's too dangerous." Buffy stammered wildly, trying to come to grips with the fact that Spike seemed to know her best friend better than she did.  
  
"Yes, luv, she would, and as far as your Watcher goes, he was there all along. And, except for that little chewing out he gave Red that night in the kitchen, he never said one word about it."  
  
"What?" Buffy frowned. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"You remember, luv, it was that night when we sat on your back porch. You asked me what I knew about finances and told me all about your money troubles." Buffy was still staring at him blankly as Spike continued to try and jog her memory. Switching from his usual North London drawl to an exaggerated impression of Giles' upper crust accent, he said, "'You rank, arrogant amateur.' Ring any bells, luv?"  
  
As soon as the words came out of Spike's mouth, all sorts of bells went off in Buffy's head. She winced at the memory of that night. Giles had been so upset with Willow for using black magic to bring Buffy back from the dead. At the time, she had been surprised by Giles' anger and a little bit hurt that he seemed to be saying that he wished she had never come back. That pain was intensified by the fact that Buffy herself wished that she had never been brought back. She had her own heaping helping of anger and resentment for Willow regarding that issue.  
  
"I remember," she said softly. "So, that was the only time Giles said something to her? He must have seen this coming. *I* should have seen this coming. I guess I was just too wrapped up in my own problems to notice that Willow was in trouble." The tears were coming again, and Buffy fought to keep them back.  
  
Spike's heart went out to her. "Don't say that, luv. You've had a lot to deal with, and it's completely understandable. Besides, you're not Red's keeper. She's a big girl, and she does what she wants."  
  
"I know. You're right." Buffy smiled weakly and swiped at an errant tear with the back of her hand. "As usual," she added and saw Spike grin. "It's just that I'm a little surprised that Willow is using black magic. Out of all of us, she's always been the most practical."  
  
"Practical," scoffed Spike, "what planet are you living on, and what color is the sky?" Ignoring Buffy's puzzled look, he continued, "Don't you remember that time, after wolf-boy dumped her? She cast that bloody `My Will be Done' spell? If I remember correctly, she made your Watcher go blind and you fall madly in love with yours truly. Come to think of it, that wasn't so bad after all." Buffy groaned and slugged him gently on the shoulder. "Okay, our little `engagement' aside, that was a very dangerous spell, and she did it for a very selfish reason. And, as I seem to recall, Willow suffered no consequences for it, aside from a few batches of cookies and a little detail job on the Watcher's car."  
  
"You're right. She does tend to use magic for selfish reasons. Right before that, she tried to curse Oz in order to get revenge on him for sleeping with Veruka."  
  
"You see? And none of her mates ever called her on it. Just a few weeks ago, she wiped out all of our memories and nearly got us killed in the process. Once again, nobody did anything about it. Well, except for her lover, she at least had the smarts to get the hell out of there." Spike could tell by the look on Buffy's face that talking about that day was still hard for her. He suspected that all of her painful memories coming back all at once must have been almost too much to bear. Still, he needed to make his point. "This time, she's gone way too far. She almost got Nibblet killed! You can't just let her get off with a slap on the wrist and a promise not to do any more magic. It's not enough. She's only going to do it again, and who knows what could happen next time?"  
  
"I know!" snapped Buffy. "I know that I have to do something, but I just don't know what to do. I don't think she's going to listen to me. Hell, I don't even know what to say to her. I tried this morning and failed miserably. Spike, what am I supposed to do?"  
  
Spike reached out to wrap her in a hug. "It's okay, you don't have to do this all by yourself. I'm here for you, and I'll help you in anyway I can. The rest of your mates will too." Spike pulled back to look into her eyes and said, "When are you going to learn that you don't have to shoulder every burden alone? Just because you're the Slayer doesn't mean that you can't ask for help sometimes."  
  
Irritated, Buffy pulled out of his embrace and fixed him with a glare. "Actually, it does. I'm the first Slayer in history to have family and friends. I'm an anomaly. Slayers weren't built for it, and it's what killed me, twice." She noticed the pained look that crossed Spike's face at the mention of her death, but pushed on. "Every single Slayer before me had only her Watcher to rely on, and maybe the Council. But, hey, I don't even have a Watcher anymore, and we all know what the Council has tried to do to me in the past. So, it looks like I'm oh for two, and all that I really have left is me."  
  
"Slayer," Spike tried to break in, but Buffy was having none of it. She was on a roll.  
  
"The whole reason Giles left in the first place is because he wanted me to do this all on my own. He was sick and tired of my coming to him with every problem and relying on him for everything. He was my Watcher, he was supposed to...*watch* me, and train me and help me. I'm pretty sure all that stuff is in the damn Watcher handbook, but he just didn't feel like doing it anymore, so he left."  
  
"Slayer."  
  
Buffy's head snapped up sharply. "Why do you always call me Slayer? I don't go around calling you `Vampire.' I have a name, you know. It's Buffy."  
  
Spike was surprised by the question. "I don't know, luv. I guess it's just that, well, calling you Buffy just seems so...intimate...and I don't think you're ready to...relate...to me on that level."  
  
"Oh, I see. So, calling me by my first name is too intimate, but fucking me up against a wall in an abandoned house isn't? Jeez Spike, I'd like to see your definition of intimate!"  
  
"Now Pet, don't be like that. I'm talking about two completely different things." He reached out to place his hand lightly on the crotch of Buffy's running pants, and she shivered at his touch. "You may have let me in here," he squeezed gently for emphasis, making her shudder, "but you haven't let me in here," he moved his hand up to her left breast, somewhere in the general vicinity of her heart, and smiled as he felt Buffy's nipple grow hard. Before she could get too excited, he moved the hand up to lightly graze her temple, "Or here. Buffy, you may have granted me access to your body, but you have yet to let me into your heart and mind. Why, I'd wager that you are still denying to yourself that you have any feelings for me at all."  
  
The hand moved from Buffy's temple and immediately lost itself in her hair. Somehow, Spike's other hand had settled on her upper arm, but Buffy had no idea how or when it had gotten there. His nearness was intoxicating, and her head was swimming. All she wanted was to forget all of her problems and lose herself in him. Breathless, she wet her lips slightly and said, "Spike." It was almost a moan. With agonizing slowness, Spike moved his lips closer to hers, and Buffy parted her own in anticipation. Just was she was sure that a kiss was eminent, Spike spoke again.  
  
"I guess you could say that my calling you Slayer all the time is just my own little defense mechanism. Kinda like your incessant denial. Gives me a little distance and keeps me from getting hurt too badly. But, I have to say, it doesn't always work." Spike let out a little chuckle when he saw the look in Buffy's eyes change from lust to disappointment. "Oh, I'm sorry, luv. Were you hoping for this?" Finally, he closed the distance between them and pressed his lips to hers.  
  
The spark was instantaneous. It began where their lips met and coursed throughout Buffy's entire body. The electricity was overwhelming, and she gasped at the sensation. Buffy had been expecting the kiss, had been longing for it really, but she had not been prepared for this. This heat, this fire consumed her, and she was drowning in it and burning up all at once. Without consciously summoning them, crazed thoughts flew into her spinning head. `I'm drowning in you, Summers.' No, it was she that was drowning. `I want the fire back.' But she had found it. Her fire lay here, in the gentle lips and searing touch of her former mortal enemy. `This isn't real; I just want to feel.' Was it real? Could anything that felt this incredibly wonderful, and so utterly sinful at the same time, possibly ever be real? Buffy had no answers. She had only this feeling, and, at the moment, it was all she wanted.  
  
Buffy heard him murmur her name, her real name this time, and her eyes flew open (when had she closed them?). She was met with the sight of Spike's beautiful blue eyes locked onto hers. Again, he whispered her name, and she felt tears spring to her eyes. That look, his eyes. It was so intense, like nothing she had ever seen. His eyes were burning into her, peering into her very soul. There were so many emotions there that Buffy had a hard time discerning one from another. She looked into his eyes--the eyes of an evil, soulless killer--and saw love, desire, longing and...what was that...pain. It was too much. She couldn't look any longer, so Buffy lunged to hold him tightly. Her chin was over his shoulder, and her hands continued to dance over the smooth planes of his back. If she could look into his eyes and see all of those things, what was he seeing in hers? She suddenly felt so vulnerable, so naked.  
  
Spike was panting. He didn't need to breathe, but she made him forget that. He held her tightly and gasped like a man drowning. `I'm drowning in you, Summers.' Spike had known the exact moment when he had finally penetrated her, had finally poked a hole in the ironclad fortress around her heart. He knew that it scared her, but right now he didn't care. He had seen it in her eyes. Yes, there was something there. She did feel something for him. Maybe not love, not yet, but it was there nonetheless. His unbeating heart sang at the possibility, not so farfetched now, that she might someday return his love.  
  
Despite the happiness washing over him now, Spike was not stupid. He knew that the little bit of herself Buffy had just given him would be too much for her. He knew that she would probably get up and run out, or maybe start hurling insults at him again. It didn't matter. He'd had a small victory, and it was really all he needed right now. After all, he wasn't getting any older, and he could wait as long as was needed.  
  
Spike had known it was coming, but he was still a little surprised when Buffy pulled out of his arms to look up at him. Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears, and he couldn't help but smile at her beauty. Being with her was probably as close to heaven as a vampire like him would ever get. His eyes traveled over her face, memorizing every single detail so that he might never forget the vision that was Buffy.  
  
"Spike," the word was barely a whisper, and her voice broke slightly over the single syllable.  
  
He smiled again, almost sadly, and reached out to brush a lock of hair out of her wide hazel eyes. "Shh, luv, it's okay."  
  
"Spike, I--"  
  
"I know, luv. I know." He was waiting for her to get up and run for the door. Any minute now. It was a kind of sweet torture, wishing she would stay, knowing she would leave, just waiting for her to do something.  
  
"Spike, will you hold me?"  
  
It was definitely not the reaction he had been expecting, but it was better than he could ever have imagined. His voice nearly failed him, but he managed to say, "Always," before sinking back down onto the bed, pulling her gently with him. Spike lay on his back, cradling Buffy in his strong arms. She rested her head on his chest, tucked under his chin, and flung one leg over his. Her free arm wrapped around his torso, and her grip was strong.  
  
They stayed that way for what must have been hours. Neither one speaking and barely moving. Once in a while, he would plant a soft kiss on the top of her head. Occasionally, she would draw lazy circles on his chest with a tip of her nail, and sometimes his hand would trace delicate patterns on the small of her back. From time to time, Buffy would cry silently; the tears pooling on his chest and matting her hair with their wetness. When she cried, he would merely hold her more tightly. There were no words of comfort; words would only get in the way. They both just took the time to enjoy whatever was steadily growing between them. At times, weariness would overtake them, and they would sleep, separately or together.  
  
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Buffy pulled herself from his arms and sat up. Spike had been sleeping, but the loss of contact brought him awake with a start. "What's wrong, luv?" His voice was thick with sleep, and Buffy had never heard anything sexier.  
  
"Nothing's wrong. It's getting late, that's all. Do you have any idea what time it is?" Her stomach was growling like Oz on a full moon. She hadn't eaten anything all day.  
  
Spike stretched and sat up. "Dunno." He took a deep breath, sniffing the air. "Feels like it must be about 2:00, maybe 2:30."  
  
"Oh my God! Dawn!" How had the time slipped away so quickly?  
  
"What? Where?" Spike was almost comical in his confusion.  
  
"She's coming here straight from school. I gotta get out of here! If she catches us...I gotta go." Buffy stood up and began hunting for the shoes she had kicked off earlier.  
  
"You know, Buffy," her name again. It made Buffy's heart flutter to hear her name on his lips. "If Little Bit did catch us, she'd probably be happy about it. She likes me, you know. One of the select few who do."  
  
Buffy smiled. "I know, Spike. She does like you. Actually, I was meaning to talk to you about that."  
  
"Hey! No!" Spike's voice rose alarmingly. "There's nothing going on there. At least, nothing...you know...perverted or anything. I love her like my own sis."  
  
She laughed. "Spike! I didn't...how could you think...that I would..." Suddenly, she was hit with a visual. "Ew! Spike!"  
  
Spike looked majorly chagrinned. "Oh, that's not what you meant, then?"  
  
"No! What are you, Chester the Molester?" Buffy laughed again, and then was serious. "What I wanted to say was...well, I wanted to thank you for being so good to Dawn. She really likes hanging out with you, and I think it's good for her."  
  
Spike raised his scarred eyebrow. "You do?"  
  
"Yeah, we had a long talk about you last night. You've really helped her, you know, with the whole key thing and with my being gone. I know that you took very good care of her when I couldn't be here. You kept your promise to me, and I'm grateful to you for that." Suddenly, Buffy was a little embarrassed from all that she had told him. "So, anyways, I just wanted to, you know, thank...you."  
  
Spike was smiling from ear to ear. Nothing she had ever said to him had made his half as happy as he was now. "The Bit told you all that?"  
  
"Yeah, she did. In fact, she was gushing about you so much that I nearly puked! I think she might have a tiny crush on you."  
  
The wide smile quickly transformed into his trademark smirk. "Who could blame her, really? I'm quite a handsome bloke, if I do say so myself. Devilishly handsome, in fact.'  
  
Buffy groaned at his arrogance. "Please! Like you even remember what you look like!"  
  
"True, but the ladies just love Spike. What can I say? I've got animal magnetism!"  
  
"You're an animal alright! Listen, I gotta go. She'll be here soon. Do me a favor and get dressed, okay? And make sure she does her homework before you start watching T.V. Oh, and can you manage to get her some dinner? She didn't eat much this morning and I'm sure she'll be hungry. I can give you some money if you need it. Oh, wait, I didn't bring my purse."  
  
"Relax, Slayer," they were back to Slayer again. "I've got some money. I'll make sure Nibblet gets her dinner." Buffy opened her mouth to speak, and Spike quickly added, "And does all her schoolwork."  
  
"Thanks, and don't forget to get her to the Magic Box by 9:00. You're going to stay for the meeting, right?"  
  
"If you want me to, luv."  
  
"Yeah, I do. Maybe after, we can patrol." She saw his eyebrows go up at this comment and hastily said, "Patrol, Spike. Demon slaying. Nothing else."  
  
"You're the boss, Slayer." He tried not to let his disappointment show.  
  
"Okay, I really have to go now. I'll see you later." She turned to leave, but paused at the base of the ladder. Turning to face him, she said, "Thanks, Spike. Thank you for...everything."  
  
Spike smiled at her again, a real smile, and said simply, "My pleasure, pet."  
  
Buffy smiled back. She climbed the ladder and walked out of the crypt without ever realizing that she had forgotten to tell him the Chaos Demon cover story. She had also neglected to collect her tank top and jacket that she had abandoned the night before. 


	8. Hanging Out

If Not Wisely  
  
Chapter 8: Hanging Out  
  
Spoilers: Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.  
  
Rating: R for swearing and some sexual situations.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine.  
  
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing. Constructive criticism is welcome.  
  
Distribution: So far, just here. If anyone wants it, just let me know.  
  
Summary: Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.  
  
A/N: Thanks to everyone who has sent feedback, especially Bella. I am so glad that people are actually enjoying this, because I'm having a lot of fun writing it. If you read this and like it, please let me know. If you absolutely hate it, please tell me why. Thanks!  
  
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Dawn burst into Spike's crypt not twenty minutes after her sister had left. In true Summers form, she did not bother with knocking, nor did she take any care with the amount of sunlight that she let in. She had had a horrendous day at school and was hoping that hanging out with Spike would cheer her up. "Spike!" she bellowed at the top of her lungs. She looked around the empty, dimly lit crypt, and did not see him anywhere. "Spi-ike!"  
  
Spike had taken a few moments, after Buffy had left, to lie in bed and savor the memory of their morning together. He was pretty pleased with the way things had turned out, and he had wanted to bask in his small victory. Consequently, he was not fully dressed when Dawn showed up. Quickly, he shoved his feet into boots and grabbed a long sleeve button down shirt. He shrugged into the shirt as he made his way up the ladder, not taking time to do up the buttons. He made it to the top of the ladder and saw Dawn standing by the telly. She did not look like she was in a good mood. "Hey, Little Bit. Why the long face?"  
  
Dawn's head swiveled at the sound of his voice, and her mouth dropped open a little at the sight of him. Spike was standing there in his tight black jeans with his shirt hanging completely open. Her eyes roamed over his finely muscled chest and taunt stomach. God, Spike was so hot. Not for the first time, Dawn wished that she were older. If she were only five years older, Dawn would give Buffy a run for her money. Although she had never really gotten over her crush on Spike, Dawn knew that it was hopeless. Spike saw her as a surrogate kid sister, nothing more. Plus, he was way too old for her, like more than a century too old. Still, Dawn consoled herself with the thought that she would only continue to grow up while Spike would stay the same age forever. Maybe someday...  
  
"Nibblet, are you daft? What in the bleeding hell is wrong with you?" Spike's voice cut into her thoughts.  
  
"What? Oh." Dawn was embarrassed at having been caught staring. "Jeez, Spike, naked much?"  
  
Spike's eyes flew down to his exposed chest. "Oh, right then. Sorry `bout that, Bit." He began to do up the buttons in a hurry. No sense in fueling Dawn's crush by letting her get a sneak peak at the goods. "Sometimes I forget the effect that I have on women," he teased.  
  
Dawn blushed furiously at his comment. She could see that Spike was enjoying himself, so she tried to play it cool. "Whatever Spike. Just don't call me when you can't fit that swollen head of yours through the crypt door."  
  
Spike chuckled. "Aright Nibblet, I'll keep that in mind. So, what's wrong with you? Did you have a rough day at school?"  
  
"Worst. Day. Ever." Her embarrassment forgotten, she began to tell him all about her day. First, she had been late for homeroom, then her best friend, Lisa, had told her that Brenden--the boy that Dawn was totally in love with--had started going steady with Tammy Potter, a snotty, stuck up cheerleader whom Dawn hated with a passion. To make matters worse, her archrival, Carrie, had started spreading a rumor that Dawn had stolen a car and crashed it while running away from the police. "Can you believe that? I'm not the one who stole the car! But it's not like I can just make a little announcement, `Hey everybody, I didn't steal the car, my sister's friend, the witch, did. Oh, and we weren't actually running from the police, we were running from this nasty demon that she conjured.' Ugh! I hate my life!"  
  
Spike stood and listened as patiently as possible to Dawn's little rant. As much as he loved this girl, he really couldn't bring himself to care that some little tosser she fancied had the hots for someone else. He did feel bad that the rest of the kids were so mean to her though. "You want me to bite `em for ya, Nibblet? It'd give me a hell of a migraine, but I'd do it for you."  
  
Dawn smiled. "Thanks, Spike." She flopped down into his chair and draped one long leg over the armrest. "Why does my life have to suck so much?"  
  
"Oh, come now, Pet. It can't be as bad as all that." Spike hated to see his girl so unhappy.  
  
"It gets even worse! I only missed one day of school, but I'm already so far behind. Now, I hafta read this stupid play for English, and I missed a vocab quiz in Spanish."  
  
Spike's ears perked up at the mention of Dawn's English assignment. "A play, Nibblet? What are you reading?"  
  
With a groan, Dawn got up and walked over to where she had thrown her backpack. She returned to the chair with it in tow and began rummaging through it. "Ah, here it is! `Romeo and Juliet.' Can you believe this? I have to read freaking Shakespeare! God, I hate this crap! I can't understand a single word! Why can't he just speak English?"  
  
Spike laughed at the girl's exasperation. "Hate to break it to ya, luv, but it is English." He reached out and took the book from her hands. "Besides, Shakespeare's bloody brilliant! A true poet! I was named after him, you know."  
  
Dawn perked up a little. "You were?"  
  
"Yep. Me mum loved his sonnets. Couldn't get enough of `em." Smiling to himself at the memory, Spike closed his eyes and began to recite.  
  
"Then let not winter's ragged hand deface  
  
In thee thy summer were thou be distill'd:  
  
Make sweet some vial; treasure thou some place  
  
With beauty's treasure ere it be self-kill'd."  
  
He gave a soft sigh. "That was one of her favorites."  
  
Dawn was flabbergasted. "Spike! What was that?"  
"*That*, as you so aptly put it, was a sonnet, number six I believe. But I wouldn't expect you to know that, Bit, not with the sorry excuse for an educational system that you Yanks have." Spike was still lost in his memories of William's life and had not noticed that Dawn continued to stare at him bug-eyed and openmouthed. "Well, it's not the entire sonnet, mind, just the first bit."  
  
"Spike, you like poetry? You *memorize* poetry?" Dawn was laughing now. "Oh my God, wait until I tell Xander!"  
  
"What?" Spike was pulled from his memories of a life long gone by the mention of the Whelp's name. Realization was slow to dawn on him. "Nibblet," he roared, "I swear by all that is unholy, if you mention a word of this to that Harris git, or anyone, I will make you my dinner!"  
  
Dawn continued to laugh uncontrollably. "This is too much! Oh, Spike you really made my day. Who would have ever thought? William the Bloody...the Big Bad...reciting poetry!" She was doubled over with laughter clutching her stomach and gasping for breath. "Do another! Come on, Spike, one more!'  
  
Spike ground his teeth impatiently. "I bloody well will not! You had better stop laughing right this second, or I'll...I'll..."  
  
"You'll what? Kill me with prose? I'll bet you've got some of those big solicitors memorized too, right?"  
  
"Soliloquy's!" Spike roared. "Dawn! Please! Please stop laughing at me." He didn't think that his sodding excuse for an unlife could possibly get any worse. It was bad enough that he was a fangless vampire in love with the Slayer, but now everyone was bound to know his dirty little secret. He was a closet poet. Spike didn't think that his already bruised and battered reputation could withstand yet another blow.  
  
"Oh, Spike," Dawn could tell the she had gone too far. He looked really hurt. Quickly, her laughter faded, and she brushed a few tears from her eyes. "I'm sorry. You're right, I shouldn't laugh. I was just surprised is all. Really, it was beautiful. I'm sorry that I laughed." She gave him her sweetest smile, hoping that Spike would forgive her.  
  
Once Dawn's laughter died down, so did Spike's anger. If he had been in Dawn's place, he probably would've laughed his ass off too. Hell, if it had been Peaches spouting poetry, Spike would've taken the piss out of him for it and never let him hear the end of it. Dawn was still looking at him, her eyes silently begging for forgiveness. "Don't worry `bout it Nibblet. No harm done. Just, please don't tell anyone, okay? I've got a rep to protect, well, what's left of it."  
  
Dawn raised her right hand solemnly. "Not a word. I promise."  
  
"Right then, glad we've got that cleared up." He handed her copy of "Romeo and Juliet" back to her. He'd been clutching it pretty tightly, and it was a little worse for the wear. "Best get started on your homework then. I promised big sis I'd see to it that you finished it."  
  
Dawn's face fell. "Spike," she whined, "do I have too? I told you, I can't understand a thing he's saying. Can't we just rent the movie? You know, the one with Leo in it, and that chick from `My So-Called Life?'"  
  
"What? That sodding pile of crap? No way, Bit. You will read every bleedin' word even if I have to chain you up to make you do it!"  
  
"Oh, like you did to Buffy?" Dawn's voice sounded innocent, but she was wearing Spike's patented smirk.  
  
"Low blow, Nibblet." Why, oh why had he taught her that smirk? "Just read it. You'll like it, I promise. It's downright romantic, really. Well, except for the sad ending. Then again, dying `cause you've lost your one true love seems like the height of romance to me."  
  
"Yeah," snorted Dawn. "Like how you were going to take that noonday stroll right after Buffy--" seeing the look on his face, she dropped the subject quickly. "So, you know it then?"  
  
"Yep, I know it all right. It's one of his better works, even if it doesn't quite fit the classic definition of a tragedy." Seeing the blank look on Dawn's face, he decided not to follow that train of thought. "Anyway, it's still got lots of good death and a few good swordfights, not as much as `Hamlet', though. Even saw it put on a few times." He laughed as the memories hit him. "Dru tried to eat Juliet once. Wouldn't let her though. That chit was a right fine actress. Made me cry, she did." Spike's face was almost wistful.  
  
Dawn was starting to get interested. "So, what's the story? Star crossed lovers and all that?'  
  
"Yeah, but it's more than that, see? Their families were enemies, and by all rights, they should have been enemies too. But they weren't. They fell in love, despite that fact that they should've been on opposite sides. They were able to look past all of the silly feuding and see only the person that hid behind an enemy's name. Speaks volumes about the power of love, really. Well, except for the fact that their love is what killed them. Don't really know what to make of that."  
  
Dawn looked thoughtful. "Sorta reminds me of you and Buffy."  
  
"How's that, Bit?" he asked. Spike wasn't sure where she was going with this.  
  
"You know, the whole enemy thing. Can you think of any more natural enemies than a vampire and the Slayer?" She looked up and found that Spike was staring at her strangely. "Plus, there's the whole looking past the labels thing, and don't forget the part about true love conquering all." The dreamy smile that had spread across Dawn's face suddenly disappeared. "Wait, they die?" Spike nodded. "Well, we can't have that. I couldn't stand to lose either one of you. Okay, so we'll just have to rewrite the ending. No big."  
  
"Dawn," Spike was moved by her little speech. If only it were true. "That's nice and all, but I don't exactly fancy myself as bloody Romeo. Besides, I don't think big sis is going to be looking past labels any time soon. She'll never see me as anything but a vampire."  
  
"Why not?" Dawn pouted. "I see you as more than that, and I'm just a kid. Or so everybody keeps telling me. Buffy's just being stupid. She'll come around eventually, I know it." She looked at Spike almost lovingly. "How could she not?" She got up and gave Spike a small hug. `Oh, why can't I be older already?'  
  
Much to his displeasure, Spike found a lump growing in his throat once again as the girl wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Why did the love of a child get to him every time? And why couldn't Buffy be more like her little sister? Spike returned Dawn's hug and patted her on the back. "Thanks, Nibblet. You're a sweet one."  
  
Suddenly, Dawn pulled back. "Hey," she said brightly, "did you know him?"  
  
"Know who?"  
  
"Shakespeare. Were you like friends and stuff?"  
  
"What? Are you daft? Shakespeare died in 1616! Bloody Hell, I wasn't even born until 1853! How old do you think I am?" Spike was incredulous.  
  
Dawn tried not to laugh. She had known that she could snap Spike out of his blue mood, but she didn't want to risk embarrassing him again. "Gee, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that you were a geezer or anything. God, 1853, huh? Why, you're still a child!"  
  
Spike growled at her. "That's quite enough Nibblet! Get started on your school work, or no telly for you." He softened a bit when he saw Dawn grimace. "Hey, do you want a snack or something?"  
  
Dawn's eyes narrowed skeptically. "You're not offering me blood are you? `Cause thanks, but, big ew on that one."  
  
"No, I am not offering you blood, you silly bint! I picked up some snacks for you. Thought you might be hungry after school." He had gone out the night before, after waiting to make sure that Buffy had really left, and nicked a couple of bags of chips and a six pack of soda from a 24 hour convenience store.  
  
"Thanks Spike!" Dawn's eyes lit up. "I'm starving. Miser Buffy only gave me ten bucks for the rest of the week. I totally had to ration at lunch today. What've you got?"  
  
"Well, I got some Chili Cheese Fritos, and some BBQ Pringles and some Mountain Dew. Though how you can drink that swill, I'll never know."  
  
"This coming from the guy that drinks blood!" Dawn called over her shoulder as she went over to the fridge. She grabbed the bag of Fritos and a soda--making a face at the sight of all the blood in Spike's fridge--and made her way back to her chair. On the way, something caught her eye. There, lying on the stone sarcouphagus that Spike had previously used as a bed was Buffy's jacket and her favorite tank top, the one that had Princess spell out across the front in rhinestones.  
  
Dawn set down her snack and snatched up the incriminating evidence. She marched right over to Spike and held the clothing up in his face. "Hey, aren't these Buffy's?"  
  
"What?" Spike had the classic deer in headlights look. "Uh, I dunno. Hmm, don't think so. They must be Harm's. Yeah, she probably just left `em behind. Why would you think they were Buffy's?" He was desperately scrambling for something that might sound believable. "They're not, you know. Um, Buffy's? Definitely not." He tried to grab the clothing from Dawn, but she snatched them away.  
  
"Nice try, Blondie, but I know they're Buffy's." Dawn's eyes were flashing with mirth, and she was still grinning evilly. "Duh, I think I'd recognize my own sister's favorite tank top. Besides, I was with her when she bought this jacket."  
  
"Oh," he was busted, "right then, I guess they are Buffy's." If he'd had a fully functioning circulatory system, Spike would have been blushing several shades of red. "Forgot they were here."  
  
"So, why exactly are they here?" asked Dawn. She was not letting up in the slightest, and Spike thought that she was really enjoying herself.  
  
"Well, that's a funny story." How the hell was he going to explain this one? "We had a little slaying mishap, see? Um, big sis fell in a...puddle. Yep, big, big puddle. Got all wet, she did. Couldn't exactly go home that way. So, being the gentleman that I am, I let her borrow something to wear." Spike sighed with relief. There, that sounded perfectly reasonable. He just hoped that Dawn would buy it.  
  
"Uh, huh. So, was this before or after you were fighting the demon?"  
  
"Demon? Did she say there was a demon?" Dawn nodded. "Oh, it was...during. She was running away, see, and fell in the puddle. It was really quite comical, the Slayer flopping about in a puddle." He gave her one of his smirks, hoping that he could get Dawn to drop the topic.  
  
"Okay, sounds plausible." Dawn was delighted with the reaction that she was receiving from Spike. He was busted and he knew it. "So, what kind of demon was it?"  
  
"What kind? Oh, it was an...Urgash...demon. Tough little buggers, those."  
  
"Really? `Cause Buffy said it was a Chaos Demon."  
  
"She did? Well, you know...Chaos Demon...Urgash Demon...always getting' the two mixed up. If big sis said it was a Chaos Demon, then that's what it was." Spike swallowed nervously. Would he ever be able to talk his way out of this?  
  
"She said it slimed her," said Dawn.  
  
"Oh, yeah, Chaos Demons are real big on the whole slime thing." He tried to change the subject. "Did I ever tell you about the time I caught Dru making out with a Chaos Demon? Big, nasty thing it was, all slime and antlers. Made me want to heave it was so--"  
  
"Where's the slime, Spike?" Dawn demanded. She held the clothes right in front of his face. "'Cause I'm not seeing any slime here."  
  
"Well, you wouldn't. That's because it's...magic...slime...completely disappears after a couple of hours. Doesn't leave a trace." Spike knew that his excuses were beyond pathetic, but all he could do was go with it.  
  
Dawn was tired of the charade. How stupid did he think she was anyway? With a groan of frustration, she said, "Spike! Enough! Listen, you may think I'm some dumb little kid who doesn't even know about the birds and the bees, but I'm not! I'm fifteen freakin' years old for Christ's sake, the exact same age as Buffy when she was called. I'm not a kid, and I'm not stupid, and I know a whole hell of a lot more than you give me credit for!" In a fit of anger, Dawn threw the clothes at Spike and turned around to flop back down in her chair.  
  
Spike didn't know what to say. He'd rarely seen Nibblet so angry. He gave a little sigh as he picked the clothes up from the floor. "What is it that you think you know, Bit?"  
  
"I know that Buffy came home last night wearing your T-shirt. I know that her jacket and tank top are here in your crypt, and I know that both of you are lying to me about it. For God's sake, if you're going to lie, at least bother to get your stories straight." Dawn's expression changed from one of anger to downright pleading. "Spike, out of everyone, you've always been the one to treat me like a real person, not just some freaky mystical ball of energy and not just the Slayer's bratty kid sister who needs protecting."  
  
Spike felt bad for the girl. He had always tried to treat her as an equal, despite his overwhelming desire to protect her from all the things that go bump in the night. If it had been up to him, he probably would have told her what had happened with Buffy, but it wasn't up to him. The Slayer obviously didn't want Dawn to know what was going on, and Spike didn't think it was his place to spill the beans.  
  
Feeling like the biggest heel in the world, Spike got up and walked over to where Dawn sat. He pulled a battered ottoman over in front of her and sat down. Dawn was fiddling with some silly ring on her thumb and wouldn't look at him. "Nibblet, look at me." Still, she continued to avoid his eyes. Reaching out and gently raising her chin so that their eyes met, Spike said, "Listen, I don't think you're stupid. I know that you're probably the smartest of the lot. I'm sorry if you thought that I was treating you like a kid. I honestly didn't mean to. You kinda took me by surprise with all the questions."  
  
"Spike," Dawn whispered, "what happened? Did you guys hook up? Are you like a couple now? Why won't either of you tell me the truth?"  
  
"Hook up? What's that supposed to mean? Where do you kids get this buggin' street slang?" Spike joked.  
  
Dawn rolled her eyes in the way that only a teenager can. "Please, you know what it means. Did you?" Her eyes were pleading with Spike to tell the truth.  
  
"I'm sorry, Bit, but what ever happened is between Buffy and me. She obviously didn't want you to know, so I don't think it's my place to tell you."  
  
Dawn gave an exaggerated sigh. "Fine, I don't need all the dirty details. I just wanna know if you're, like, her boyfriend now."  
  
Spike gave a short, humorless laugh and said, "No, Nibblet, I can assure you that I am not her boyfriend. No worries there."  
  
"Spike, God, I'm not worried about that! I would be so happy if you guys finally got together."  
  
"You and me both, Nibblet."  
  
Dawn smiled, her eyes lighting up as she considered the possibility. "It would be so great. We could be like a family, you know? You could move in with us, and I could get to see you every day."  
  
Spike smiled back at her, touched by Dawn's obvious affection for him. "Ah, Nibblet, don't get too carried away. Big sis barely tolerates my presence. I don't think she's going to be inviting me to live with you any time soon."  
  
"So, what, it's just a physical thing?" Dawn was confused. "Like casual sex?"  
  
Spike groaned and leapt up from the ottoman. He really needed a smoke. Stalking over to grab his cigarettes from his duster pocket, he said, "Dawn! This conversation is over. I am not discussing the subject any more. If you want to know anything else, you'll have to ask Buffy." Spike fished a cigarette out of his pack and lit it. He took a big drag and wondered if it would be okay to drink in front of the girl. He could use a spot of whiskey just now.  
  
Dawn couldn't help but be amused at Spike's agitation. She figured she should just give him a break and drop the subject. Going over to pick up her discarded snack, she decided to get one last jab in. "Buffy slept in your T-shirt last night," she said as innocently as possible.  
  
Spike's mouth dropped open in shock. "She did?" he asked, voice breaking just a little. "Did she say anything about me?"  
  
"Sorry, Blondie," Dawn said with a smirk, "but this conversation is over. I've got Shakespeare to read."  
  
In the next couple of hours, Dawn made her way through the entire first act of "Romeo and Juliet," with a lot of help from Spike, and painstakingly wrote out all of her Spanish vocabulary words and their English translations. Spike took her for dinner at McDonald's, despite the fact that she had finished nearly half the bag of Chili Cheese Fritos. Dawn laughed over his obvious delight at seeing the McRib back on the menu. Later, they watched "Dawson's Creek" together, complete with running commentary from Spike. There was no more mention of Buffy, or Chaos Demons, or giant puddles. In all, it was one of the best afternoons Dawn had had in a long time.  
  
*************************** 


	9. Questions

If Not Wisely

Chapter 9:  Questions

Spoilers:  Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.

Rating:  R for swearing and some sexual situations.

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

Feedback:  Would be highly appreciated.  This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing.  Constructive criticism is welcome.

Distribution:  So far, just here.  If anyone wants it, just let me know.

Summary:  Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.

A/N:  Thanks to everyone who has sent feedback, especially Bella.  I am so glad that people are actually enjoying this, because I'm having a lot of fun writing it.  If you read this and like it, please let me know.  If you absolutely hate it, please tell me why.  Thanks!

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Buffy arrived at the Magic Box a half hour before the others were due to show up.  She was hoping that Xander would be there, and that they might have a chance to talk.  She really wanted to ask him what he thought of Anya's former life as a vengeance demon.  Buffy knew that there were more important matters at hand, but she had been thinking about the parallels between Anya and Spike all afternoon.  Hopefully, talking to Xander would help her clear things up a bit.

When Buffy entered the shop, Xander was the first thing she saw.  He was sitting at the research table near the back, flipping through an _X-Men_ comic.  He looked up as Buffy came in., "Hey Buff!  How goes it?"

"What can I say, Xander, it could go better, but it could also go a lot worse."

Xander gave a little chuckle.  " I hear ya."  He looked down at his watch and said, "Hey, aren't you a little early?"

Buffy walked over to the table and sat down in the chair next to Xander.  "Yeah, I am.  I kinda wanted to talk to you before everyone else got here."

Xander raised his eyebrows and gave her a goofy grin.  "Me?  You wanted to talk to me?  Don't I feel special."

Buffy let out an obligatory laugh at his little "Who me?" routine, but then got serious.  "Yes, you.  It's, uh, kinda important." 

Xander lost his grin, "I know.  About Willow, right?"

Buffy was a little embarrassed.  Duh, of course she should be talking about Willow right now, not trying to prove whether or not Spike was evil.  "No, um, actually—"

"Hey," Xander interrupted, "How's Dawn?  Is her arm okay?  For that matter,  _where's_  Dawn?"

"Dawn?  Oh, she's fine.  She's with Spike.  They're watching cheesy teenage soap operas in his crypt.  But, what I actually wanted to talk to you about was—"

"Spike!" cried Xander.  "She's hanging out with Spike?  And this is okay with you?"

Buffy was a little surprised by Xander's reaction.  "Why wouldn't it be okay with me?" she asked.  "I mean, it's not like he can hurt her or anything.  Besides, they're kind of friends, or something."

"Yeah, but, Buffy, do you really want your kid sister hanging out with Evil Dead?  It can't be good for her." 

"I dunno," said Buffy, "from what Dawn told me last night it seems like hanging out with Spike _is _good for her.  Come on, how many times did you guys have Spike on Dawn duty while I was busy being a corpse?  If you guys trusted him enough to take care of her then, then why should it be any different now?"

Xander flinched at Buffy's offhand reference to being dead.  Even after all this time, he still didn't like to think about it.  He preferred to pretend that Buffy had merely been out of town or something.  Buffy was looking at him accusingly, and Xander decided that it wasn't worth it to argue with her.  Holding his hands up in a gesture of surrender, he said, "Okay, okay, truce?  If it's cool with you, then it's cool with me."

Buffy smiled at him, relieved that they wouldn't be getting into an argument.  What she was planning on saying to him would probably make Xander mad, so there was no point in having him pissed off right out of the gate.  "Thanks, Xan.  Really, it's no big.  It makes Dawn happy to hang out with Spike, and I want Dawn to be happy."  She took a deep breath and plunged ahead with her original purpose.  "Okay, but I really wanted to talk to you about Anya."

"Oh God," Xander groaned.  "Did she say something really rude and inappropriate?  'Cause we're working on it, but these things take time," he said with another grin.

"No, no it's not that."  Buffy looked over her shoulder and saw that Anya was busy helping a customer.  Lowering her voice a bit, she leaned in and said, "I wanted to ask you what you thought about her past.  You know, the whole demon thing?"

Xander looked confused.  "What brought this about?"

Buffy stole another quick look at Anya.  She seemed to be wrapping up her sale.  Buffy stood up and grabbed Xander's arm.  "Come on, let's go back to the training room.  I don't want her to hear."

As Xander followed her into the back room, he called out to Anya that he was going to help Buffy train.  She dismissed him with a small wave of her hand and an, "Uh huh."  Almost as an afterthought, Anya shouted after them, "Don't hurt him, Buffy!"

Xander walked into to the training room and said, "Okay, Buff, what's with all the secrecy, and why do you suddenly wanna know all about Anya's past?"

Buffy groaned.  "I don't want to know about her past per se, just how you feel about it," she said, somewhat impatiently.

Xander was still looked confused.  "Again with the why?  You're really not making any sense."

Buffy let out a small sigh and sank down onto the couch, motioning for Xander to join her.  When they were both seated, she said, "Okay, here's the deal.  Last night, Anya, Spike and I had a conversation about Willow.  Spike and Anya brought up some stuff that just got me thinking."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Um, just stuff about power.  Like how Willow must be feeling a real sense of power from her magic and that it's doubtful that she's just going to give it up without a fight."

"What does that have to do with Anya?" Xander asked.

"Well, it's just that Anya made some comments that made me wonder," said Buffy with a hint of apprehension in her voice.  She knew that she was treading a fine line, and she didn't want to risk upsetting Xander.

Xander was starting to get curious.  "What did she say?"

Buffy gave him an abbreviated version of Anya's comments from the night before, making sure to end with the fact that Anya had stated that she felt like she was much better off now.  "So, basically, it just got me to thinking.  I mean, Anya's human now, and I've never really thought much about all the stuff she did while she was a demon.  I got to wondering if you ever thought about it."

Xander still didn't really understand where Buffy was going with this.   He wasn't entirely sure what to say.  "Sure, I think about it once in a while.  Sometimes, I get a little weirded by the idea that my fiancée used to be a demon, but it's not that big of a deal.  This is the Hellmouth, after all."

"Not that big of a deal!"  Buffy was shocked by his nonchalance.  "Xander, how can you say that?  For over a thousand years, she killed and maimed God knows how many men.  She cursed people and destroyed lives.  That's kind of a big deal."  

"Whoa, Buff, calm down," Xander said.  "Okay, so I never really thought about that part of it, but, still, that's all in the past.  It's not like she does that kind of stuff any more.  She's human now."

"Yeah, it's in the past, but does that mean that we're all just supposed to forget about it?" asked Buffy.  "She doesn't do that stuff anymore because she _can't_.  Who's to say that, if she got her powers back tomorrow, she wouldn't do it again?"

"She wouldn't," replied Xander.

"But how do you know?  How can you be sure?"  Buffy wasn't letting up.  She wanted answers, and she was determined to get them.

"I just know!" snapped Xander.  "Look, Anya's good now.  She's human, and she helps us.  She's not evil anymore."

Buffy sighed.  "Look, Xander, I'm not attacking Anya.  I'm just trying to understand a few things, so please don't get mad."  She looked at him pleadingly, and he seemed to calm down a bit.  "Okay," she continued, "you said that Anya helps us, and that's true.  Have you ever really thought about _why_ she helps up?  I kinda get that feeling that she only does it because she doesn't want anything bad to happen to you, or to the rest of us because you care about us.  I mean, it's not like she really cares about being good for good's sake.  She's kinda just looking out for her own."

Xander frowned, considering.  "Yeah," he began slowly, "but isn't that kind of how everyone is?  Nobody really cares that much about complete strangers.  People care about their friends and family above anyone else, that's just the way it is."

Buffy pondered this for a moment.  She had never thought about it that way.  "Yeah, I guess you're right.  I'm kinda the only one who has to worry about saving the whole world, and even I fight a little harder if one of you guys or Dawn is in danger."  She gave a little smile and thought about it some more.  She tried to apply her newfound discovery to Spike.  Okay, so his actions sometimes seemed selfishly motivated, but almost everyone's were.  "Thanks, Xan.  You've helped me realize something."

"So," said Xander, hoping that this conversation was over, "feel better now?"

"A little," replied Buffy.  "But I still have one more question that I want to ask you.  It's kind of a biggie, so be warned."

"Consider me warned." 

"Okay, here goes.  Do you think Anya has a soul?" Buffy asked nervously.

"What?" shrieked Xander.  "Of course she has a soul!  Why wouldn't she?  She's human."

"Well, it's just that it's never really been proven," she said.  "Just because her body was turned back to her original human state doesn't necessarily mean that she got her soul back with it."  Buffy could see that Xander looked skeptical, so she decided to go for broke.  "Consider this, when Angel got his soul back, he was consumed with guilt because of all the people he'd killed.  Anya doesn't seem the least bit sorry about all the damage she's done.  In fact, she almost seems proud of it.  She's always telling us stories about the men she tortured like it was nothing.  Her lack of guilt over the whole thing just makes me wonder whether or not she even has a soul.  Shouldn't the two go hand in hand?"

Xander was starting to get really mad at Buffy for bringing up all this stuff that he'd rather not think about.  Why couldn't Buffy just accept that Anya was different now, and that she shouldn't be held accountable for all of the things she had done as a demon?  It's not like she'd had any control over them, she had been a demon, after all. He decided to let Buffy know how much this entire conversation was pissing him off.  He knew that the rest of the gang didn't really like Anya all that much, but this was going too far.

"Buffy, for someone that claims she's not attacking Anya, this sounds an awful lot like an attack."

"No!" exclaimed Buffy.  "Xan, no, it's not an attack, really.  I've just been thinking a lot lately, and I started wondering if maybe everything is not so black and white.  I mean, there's gotta be some gray in there somewhere."

 "Buffy, where are you going with this?" Xander demanded.  "Why are you bringing all of this up now?  Is it just because of what Anya said about power?"

"Kind of, but not entirely."  She took a deep breath and felt fear creep in over what she was about to say.  "I just sorta noticed how much Anya and Spike are alike," she said quickly before she could chicken out.

"What?" screeched Xander.  "How can you say that?  Spike is a soulless monster, an evil killer!  Anya is not like that!"  He made a move to get up, his face flushed red with anger.

Buffy put a hand on Xander's arm to stop him.  "Please, Xander, just hear me out, okay?  I'm not trying to say that Anya is an evil killer, please believe me.  I guess, what I'm trying to say is that Spike isn't really any of those things either, not anymore."

Xander snorted in disbelief.  "We are talking about the same Spike here, right?" he asked, voice dripping with sarcasm.  "Bleach blond hair?  Leather jacket?  Bad attitude?  VAMPIRE?  That Spike?  Gee, I'm sorry, Buffy, I didn't realize that vampires were taken off the evil killers list.  Must not have gotten the memo!"

Buffy was starting to get a little pissed off at Xander's attitude.  For God's sake, this was the same man who was marrying a former vengeance demon!  She'd had more than enough of his holier-than-thou routine.  "Whatever, Xander!" she cried.  "If Spike's so freaking evil and such a dangerous killer, then why did you and the rest of the gang trust him alone with Dawn?"  Xander sputtered, but had no response.  "That's not even the point here.  If you would just listen to me for one second without flying off the handle, maybe it will start to make sense."

"Fine," replied Xander tersely, "I'm listening.  Make with the sense-making."

"Okay," said Buffy, "here's my point.  Spike hasn't killed anything except demons in over two years, so he's really not even a killer anymore.  Plus, when's the last time he did anything that you could honestly call evil?  Add to that the fact that he has risked his life for Dawn and me, withstood the torture of a hell god just to protect Dawn, and he helped you guys patrol all summer long."  Buffy paused, why was she suddenly singing Spike's praises?  That hadn't been her intention at all when she had started this conversation.

Xander took advantage of Buffy's momentary pause and jumped in.  "Buffy, you know damn well that the only reason Spike doesn't kill humans is because he can't.  The chip stops him."

"No, we don't know that," said Buffy.  "If you're going to stick to that reasoning and ignore all of the changes that Spike has made in the past couple of years, then you might as well say that the only reason _Anya_ doesn't kill humans is because her powers were taken away."  Xander tried to jump in again, but Buffy wouldn't let him.  "I'm not saying that I think that's true.  I'm just pointing out the fact that Anya and Spike are in pretty similar situations, and I'm wondering why we can all accept Anya for what she is now—for God's sake, you're going to marry her even—but no one is willing to give Spike the benefit of the doubt."

"But Spike was a killer.  He killed so many people."

"Yeah, and so did Anya.  Spike killed people for over a hundred years, but Anya was killing for over a thousand, yet she is completely absolved of it all," countered Buffy.

"Buffy," said Xander, "Spike has tried to kill us all on numerous occasions, in case you forgot."

Buffy sighed heavily.  "Xander, do you remember Cordy's wish?" said asked quietly.  "Do you remember what happened when Anya granted it?  She created a whole alternate universe in which I had never come to Sunnydale.  Xander, Anya _did_ kill us all.  Thankfully, Giles was able to reverse it, but the fact remains that Anya's actions resulted in most of our deaths, me, you, Willow, Cordy, Oz, all of us."

Xander felt sick to his stomach.  He couldn't believe that his best friend was saying all of these horrible things about the woman he loved.  Somewhere in the back of his mind, in a tiny corner that he refused to look into, he knew that what Buffy had said was true.  Still, he refused to think about it.  Anya was good, and Spike was bad, simple as that.  He climbed shakily to his feet, glaring down at Buffy.  "That's it!" he shouted.  "I am not going to sit here and listen to any more of this shit!  I know that you're not that crazy about Anya, but you've gone too far this time.  This conversation if officially over!"  With that, he turned of his heel and stomped out of the training room.

Buffy watched sadly as he left.  She had not meant for things to turn out this way, and she truly felt horrible for upsetting Xander.  Even worse, she still had none of the answers that she had been looking for.  She certainly didn't know why she had been defending Spike so vehemently all of a sudden.  Buffy sat there for a few minutes, lost in thought, before getting up to join the others.  She fully intended on apologizing to Xander for upsetting him, but she didn't think that she could bring herself to apologize for the way she felt.  Hopefully, Xander would forgive her, and this would all blow over quickly.  

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Buffy emerged from the training room just in time to see her sister and Spike walk through the door.  They were laughing and bickering playfully with each other.  Buffy's heart almost skipped a beat at the sight of him.  He looked so normal joking with her sister, his eyes lit up with laughter, that for a moment Buffy just wanted to say, "Fuck it all" and give into her growing feelings for him.  Still, she couldn't.  She wasn't ready, and she really needed to stop letting Spike affect her this way.

"Oh please," Spike was saying, "Joey is totally in denial!  Of course she's brassed off that Dawson shagged Jen.  Why wouldn't she be, he's the love of her life?"

"Whatever!" said Dawn.  "That was like a million years ago.  I am so over the whole Joey and Dawson thing.  I'm glad he's moving on.  Besides, I really want Joey and Pacey to get back together.  They are so right for each other."  Dawn smiled dreamily at the thought.

"Are you daft?" exclaimed Spike.  "Joey never really loved Pacey."  Suddenly, he noticed Buffy standing by the sales counter and added, "He was just _convenient_."

Buffy knew that Spike's remark had been directed towards her, but before she could even react, Xander spoke up.  "Oh goody, Spike's here," he said acidly.  Xander had gone back to his former place at the research table and was angrily turning the pages of his comic book.

Spike tore his eyes off Buffy to smirk at Xander.  "Nice to see you too, Harris, you nit."

Dawn rolled her eyes and went over to set her backpack down on the table.  "Now boys, play nice.  Don't make me pull this car over."  Her comment drew a smile from Spike and a surly pout from Xander.

"Got something for ya, Slayer," Spike said as he tossed a brown paper bag in her direction.

Buffy managed to catch the bag a split second before it hit her in the face.  "What's this," she asked, "some kind of present?"

"Hardly," scoffed Spike.  "It's your bleeding clothes, luv, the ones you left in my crypt."

Xander caught Spike's comment and the implication behind it.  "Clothes?  Buffy why are you taking your clothes off in Spike's crypt?  What's going on?"

Buffy was stunned.  She didn't know what to say.  All she could do was stand there, clutching the rumpled bag and flushing with embarrassment.  She opened her mouth once, but no sound came out.

Spike, on the other hand, was enjoying every second of it.  He cocked his head to the side and said, "What's that?  You didn't tell your mates what happened, then?"  He raised his eyebrows suggestively and couldn't help but grin at Buffy's obvious discomfort.

"What?" squeaked Buffy.  "Tell them?  No, I—"

"Well then, by all means, allow me," said Spike.  

There was a tone in his voice that made Buffy very uneasy.  She glared daggers at him, hoping that he would shut his mouth before it was too late.  Desperately, she looked over at her sister, hoping that Dawn might back her up on the whole demon-slayage story.  Unfortunately, Dawn just stood there with a wicked grin and an evil gleam in her eye.  So much for sister solidarity. Before Buffy even knew what happened, Spike was at her side and had draped an arm casually around her shoulder.  She tried to shrug him off, but his grip was tight.

"So, you see, the Slayer and I had ourselves a little…slaying mishap," said Spike.

Upon hearing his words, Buffy let out a breath that she hadn't realized she'd been holding.  She'd thought for sure that Spike was going to spill the beans, but it seemed like he was just torturing her for the fun of it.  Xander and Anya were staring at her strangely, so Buffy decided that she had better say something quick.  "Um, yeah, slaying."  _Great, Buffy, that was brilliant.  No room for suspicion there._

"You do have quite the way with words, luv."  Spike moved his hand from Buffy's shoulder and slowly trailed it down her arm before letting it settle on her waist.  He pulled her tightly against his side, taking note of the brief shiver that passed through her, as well as her accelerated heartbeat.  "Tell them about the demon we killed, pet.  What kind of demon was that again?"

Buffy scowled up at him and tried to move out of his embrace.  What the hell was he doing?  "Well, _Spike_,  I think it was a…a…Chaos Demon?"  It came out as more of a question than a statement of fact. Buffy wasn't entirely sure what she had told Dawn the night before.  Finally, she managed to struggle out of his arms, her face burning with embarrassment.  She moved a few steps away and crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at Spike.

Spike chuckled.  "That it was, luv.  So, don't be shy, tell them what happened.  I'm sure the whelp over here is just dying of suspense."

"Shut up, Spike," snapped Xander.  "Buffy, what in the holy hell is going on here?"

"Are you two boinking?" asked Anya.

Dawn laughed and muttered under her breath, "That's what I'd like to know."

"No!" shouted Buffy.  "Anya, I am not _boinking _ Spike!"

"Thank God for that," said Xander, "I was starting to worry."

"I can't believe you guys would think that!"   If possible, Buffy's face was even redder than before.  "Listen, it's not like that.  Spike and I were patrolling last night and we came across this big nasty demon.  It slimed me, I killed it, and Spike lent me a shirt to wear home.  That's it!  End of story.  No _boinking_ whatsoever!  Spike, tell them!"

"The Slayer speaks the truth," said Spike.  He walked over to Buffy and wrapped an arm around her once again.  "I can assure you that absolutely no boinking took place—last night."  Spike stared hungrily down at her and planted a quick kiss on top of her head before adding, "Or any night.  Isn't that right luv?"

Seething with rage, Buffy reached out and pinched Spike viciously in the side, causing him to cry out and drop his arm.  She smirked at him victoriously and said, "That's right!"  Just as Buffy was preparing to turn and stalk away, Dawn piped up.

"So, Buffy, did the demon slime you before or after you fell in the puddle?"

"P-puddle?" stammered Buffy.  She quickly turned to look at Spike, silently pleading for help, but he was merely smirking at her.  "W-what puddle?"

"Come now, Slayer, I know you're embarrassed at your clumsiness and all, but I already told Little Bit about your swan dive into the giant puddle."  Spike looked pointedly at Buffy, hoping that she would be able to get the drift.  

"Oh," said Buffy, finally catching on, "that puddle!  Oh, I almost forgot about it with the slime and all.  Yeah, silly me, always the klutz.  I fell right into the damn thing."

"Yes," said Dawn, "but was it before or after you got slimed?"

"Before, of course, because that's really the only way that makes…sense."  Buffy didn't like the way that Dawn was looking at her.  It was almost as if the girl knew something.  But, that would be impossible, wouldn't it?  There was no way that Dawn could know, not unless—"Spike!  Training room.  NOW!"  Buffy spun on her heel and stomped angrily toward the training room.  Halfway there, she looked over her shoulder, only to see that Spike had not moved an inch.  "SPIKE!" she screamed again, "If you don't get over here right this minute, you'll be going home in an ashtray!"

Spike gave one last smirk to the rest of the group before turning to follow Buffy.  As he made his way to the back of the shop, he could hear Dawn laughing.  He had to hand it to that one; she was much sharper than her big sister.

Xander watched Spike go with a confused look on his face.  He turned to look at Anya, who had gone back behind the sales counter.  "What the hell was that?"

Anya looked up surprised.  "Oh, I think they're boinking.  Pretty obvious, really."

Xander was shocked.  "Anya, don't say that!  That can't be true!  Oh, God, please say it's not true."

"What if they were?" asked Dawn.  "Would it really be that big of a deal?  They're both adults, and they can make their own choices."

"Dawnie," replied Xander, he had on his "you're just a stupid kid" voice.  "It would be a big deal because Spike is a vampire.  I know that he's your friend, but vampires are evil.  It would be a big mistake for Buffy to get involved with him.  Don't you remember what happened last time?"

"I remember, Xander.  But this is different; Spike is _not_ Angel.  They are too completely different people, and you can't go around comparing them just because they both happen to be vampires.  I like Spike, way better than Angel, and I think he's good for Buffy.  If those two ever hooked up—and as far as I know, they haven't—I would be happy about it."  Dawn crossed her arms over her chest and stared defiantly at Xander.

"Yeah, Xander," chimed in Anya, "why do you care who Buffy dates, as long as she's happy?  Besides, I like Spike, too.  I feel a certain kinship with him.  He took me to a party once, you know; that time when I was mad at you and those ghostie things were attacking everyone.  We had a pretty good time together.  Plus, he's totally hot!"

Xander groaned.  "Oh, I see, you're all ganging up on me now.  Is that it?  Am I the only one who remembers that the guy has _fangs_?"  He looked from one girl to the other, but they were both ignoring him.

"He is pretty hot, isn't he?" said Dawn.

"Oh, yeah.  Have you seen his arms?  Way sexy."

"Definitely! And those eyes?"

Dawn and Anya continued to rhapsodize about the virtues of Spike, while Xander began to lightly beat this head against the table.  Would his suffering never end?

                                                                                                ****

In the training room, Buffy was busy shooting stakes at Spike with her eyes.  She couldn't believe that he would be so obvious about their current situation in front of her friends.  What the hell was he thinking?

"Well, Slayer, what's got your knickers in a twist this time?"

"Spike!  What the hell do you think you're doing?  That was stupid, even for you."

"Come on, Slayer," said Spike, "I was just havin' a spot of fun.  You forgot to fill me in on the whole Chaos Demon cover story, you know."

Buffy sighed.  "I know, but you didn't have to be so obvious about it.  They're gonna figure it out!"

"Really?  And would that be so bad?" he asked with a teasing smile.

"Of course it would be bad!  It would be beyond bad.  It would be…well, whatever's worse than bad!"

Spike's smile turned to a scowl.  "So, you're ashamed of me, then?"

Buffy had no answer; she just stared at him.  What was she supposed to say?  If she told him that she was ashamed, it would only make him mad, but if she told him that she wasn't ashamed, then he might very well insist that they come out to the whole gang.  No way in hell was she letting that happen.

Spike took a few steps closer, until he was right of top of her.  "Or, is it that you're ashamed of yourself?  Feeling guilty about rolling in the dirt with a big, bad vampire?  That it, luv?  Do you feel all dirty?  Don't want your mates to find out what kind of a girl you really are?"  They were standing so close that Spike could feel Buffy's warm breath on his face.  He stared straight into her eyes with an unwavering gaze.

Buffy felt her face grow hot and purposely looked away.  As usual, Spike had managed to hit the nail right on the head.  She was ashamed, and she did feel dirty.  She also felt very turned on by the low, sexy tone in his voice, and by his close proximity.  Why did he have this effect on her?  

"Come on, luv.  Do you really think that they're never going to find out?  Please, I know that they're a pretty thick lot, but even the Nibblet's figured it out already.  It won't be long before the rest of them do."

"What!" shrieked Buffy.  "You told Dawn about us?  Spike, how could you?"

"Bloody Hell, Slayer!  No, I didn't tell the Little Bit.  She figured it out for herself.  She's not stupid, you know.  As soon as she realized out that our stories didn't match up, she knew."  Spike let out a little chuckle.  "Little chit even asked me if we were having casual sex!"

Buffy groaned.  "Spike, I can't believe you!  You just admitted to it?  You're a vampire, you're supposed to lie!"

Spike looked at her sternly.  "Poor thing's been lied to enough, don't you think?  Look, Slayer, she's a big girl now, same age as you when you were called.  She doesn't need to be sheltered from the facts of life.  She's not a little kid anymore.  Relax, I didn't admit to anything.  I just told her that whatever happened was between you and me, and that she had to ask you if she wanted to know any more.  For Christ's sake, she thought I was your boyfriend!"

"Like that would ever happen," snapped Buffy.  She immediately felt guilty when she saw the hurt in Spike's eyes.

"That's right," he said coldly, "because I'm _beneath_ you, aren't I?  I'm just _convenient_ whenever you've got an itch you can't scratch.  Save your breath, Slayer, I've head it all before."  He glared at her accusingly.  "I know that you would never stoop to being with the likes of me, and I don't need to hear it yet again."  With that, he turned quickly around, duster flying, and stormed out of the room.

Buffy stared after him sadly.  She hadn't meant to hurt Spike's feelings.  She had just been wigged about the prospect of her friends finding out.  "Fuck!" she muttered as she walked over to the punching bag.   "Fuck, fuck, fuck," she continued as she rained punches down upon it.  Buffy wished that she could take back everything she'd said, but it was too late.  Who would have thought that a vampire could be so thin-skinned?  For being an evil creature of the night, Spike was really quite sensitive.  With one last curse, she hit the bag with a solid roundhouse kick, sending swinging wildly.  She heard the shop's bell ring and realized that Tara must have arrived.  Oh well, first thing's first.  She could make things right with Spike later.  Sighing dejectedly, she walked out of the room to start the meeting.


	10. The Scooby Meeting

If Not Wisely

Chapter 10:  The Scooby Meeting

Spoilers:  Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.

Rating:  R for swearing and some sexual situations.

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

Feedback:  Would be highly appreciated.  This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing.  Constructive criticism is welcome.

Distribution:  So far, just here.  If anyone wants it, just let me know.

Summary:  Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.

A/N:  Sorry for the long delay between chapters.  I've kinda hit a dry patch and have been struggling a bit for inspiration.  Hopefully, I'll be getting back on track and have a new chapter in a couple of days.  Please review and let me know if you like it.  Thanks!

********************************************************************************************* 

Tara rushed into the shop fifteen minutes late and slightly flushed from hurrying over from the campus.  The strap of her shoulder bag got caught on the door handle, and she spent several seconds trying to untangle herself.  Feeling like an idiot, and flushing even more from her embarrassment, she looked up to greet the rest of the Scooby Gang.  "Hey guys, sorry I'm late.  My night class ran a bit over and I had to talk to the professor."  Suddenly, she noticed that every single person had turned to look at her.  Tara was extremely uncomfortable being the center of attention, but her discomfort quickly gave way to worry when she notice the tension in the air.  Anya was huffily stomping around behind the counter, putting away the day's receipts, and Xander was sullenly pouting at the research table.  Spike was sitting on the stairs leading to the loft looking surly and playing with his silver Zippo.  Quickly, Tara scanned the rest of the shop and saw Buffy standing by the beaded curtain in the back.  She looked upset.  "What's going on?" she asked nervously.  "Is it Willow?"  Tara was almost afraid to hear the answer.

Buffy heard the concern in Tara's voice and quickly spoke up to alleviate her fears.  "Hey, Tara.  Nothing's wrong.  Willow's fine, or at least the same.  Glad you could make it."

Tara let out a sigh of relief, glad that nothing terrible had happened.  Dawn was instantly on her feet, rushing over to give Tara a hug.  "Dawnie, how are you?  I'm so sorry about your arm.  Does it hurt?"  Tara hugged the girl tightly and breathed in the clean scent of Dawn's hair.

"Tara, it's okay; I'm fine.  It barely hurts at all anymore."  Dawn hugged her even more tightly.  "Oh, it's so good to see you.  I'm so glad you came."

Tara pulled back a little to look at Dawn.  Smiling gently, she tucked a lock of hair behind Dawn's ear.  "I'll always be here for you, Dawnie.  Don't forget that.  I'm glad you're okay."

"Thanks, Tara," Dawn whispered with a shy smile.

The two were still hugging when Xander cleared his throat and spoke up.  "Hey, Tara.  Thanks for coming.  Is everybody ready to start this thing?  I have an early start time tomorrow."

"Oh, sorry," mumbled Tara.  She was slightly flustered at being the one to hold things up.

"Jeez, Xander," said Dawn, taking Tara's hand and leading her over to the table, "impatient much?"

"He's right," said Buffy, walking over to join the rest of the group.  "You need to be in bed by 11:00, missy, and I want to do a quick patrol later.  Let's get this show on the road."

Anya came out from behind the counter and sat down next to Xander.  He scooted his chair slightly away and refused to look at her.  Annoyed by Xander's attitude, Anya momentarily forgot her tact training.  "So, what exactly are we going to do anyway?  Willow is obviously out of control and very dangerous.  She must be stopped.  You know, I once cursed a warlock by binding his powers.  Do you think we could do something like that with Willow?"

Xander groaned and held up his hands as if displaying a game show prize.  "Anya, ladies and gentlemen.  Inappropriate as always!"

"Hey!" shouted Anya.  "I'm just saying what's on my mind.  I'm very worried."

"Be that as it may, you don't go around saying things like that!"  Xander was shouting right back at her.  "Willow is our friend, and we all want to help her, not _curse_ her."

"Don't shout at me, Xander!  I just said what I was thinking."

"Well, Anya, you don't need to share every single little thought that pops into that head of yours.  God, you think you would have learned this by now."

"Okay," Buffy jumped in to break things up, "enough you guys.  Arguing is not going to help.  Anya, thank you for the suggestion, but I don't think that we need to resort to such drastic measures.  Xander, cool it."

"Fine!" said Xander.

"Fine!" said Anya.

"Argh!" groaned Buffy.

"And another thing," said Xander, "I don't want to hear one more word from you on the subject of Spike's arms, eyes or any other body part!"

Spike's head shot up.  "What's that, mate?  Your little demon chit's got a yen for ole Spike?  Well, well, isn't that interesting."  He cocked an eyebrow and leered at Anya.  "Fancy a go then?"

"Shut up, Spike!" shouted Anya, Buffy and Xander simultaneously.  

Spike merely grinned and said, "You just let me know, luv,"

Xander leaped to his feet and turned to glare at Spike.  "Now you listen here, Bleach Boy, there will be no—"

"SHUT UP!" screamed Buffy.  "All of you!  Stop talking, right this minute.  You guys are not helping anything!  I don't want to hear another word from any of you unless it's about helping Willow."  Buffy glared fiercely at everyone, making her message deadly clear.  "Got that?"  The guilty parties mumbled in agreement.  "Good, then let's get down to business.  Willow; how do we help her?"

For the next hour or so, the gang threw out different theories on how to help Willow.  Opinion varied wildly, but there was very little arguing.  Buffy lamely put forth her idea that Willow knew how bad she had gotten and would stop on her own.  Dawn brought up the incident in the kitchen, and pointed out that she didn't think Willow was anywhere close to stopping.  Spike agreed with her, and reasserted his theory about power and his belief that Willow wouldn't give it up willingly.  Xander toyed with the idea that the magic Willow was using was just too powerful for her to control, and Anya continued to insist that she should be stripped of her powers altogether.  Through it all, Tara sat back and said very little.  Mostly, she just listened to the others and sat there looking increasingly more worried.  It wasn't until Xander started comparing Willow's use of magic to a heroin addiction and suggested an intervention that Tara finally spoke up.

"I don't think that's it."  Everyone turned to look at her, surprised to hear that normally shy girl speak so forcefully.  Tara blushed a little, but continued.  "Magic is not a drug, Xander.  It's not like Willow is physically addicted to the spells.  I think it's much more than that.  The problem that I see here is that Willow has strongly tied her sense of self-worth in with her identity as a witch."  Everyone just stared at her blankly.  "I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and it's almost as though Willow needs magic to feel good about herself.  The magic makes her feel special; the power makes her feel special.  I've only known Willow for a couple of years now, and of the two of us she's always been the most confidant, most self-assured.  Sometimes though, I get the feeling that she wasn't always like this, that maybe her increasing power as a witch has also increased her self confidence.  She made a comment once about how she was a total spaz in high school.  I don't know, you guys knew her then, does this make any sense?"

"Yeah," said Xander, "I see what you're saying.  I've known Willow since forever, and she's definitely changed a lot in the past couple of years."

"Yeah," agreed Buffy, "she pretty much admitted to me that she hated the idea of being just plain old Willow.  Tara, she said that you didn't even know that girl.  It was almost like she thought that the only reason you were interested in her in the first place is because she's a witch."

"That's not true!" protested Tara.  "I'm in love with _Willow_, not her magic." 

"We know that, Tara," said Xander, "but I'll bet that Willow isn't totally convinced of it.  Look, she's always had a hard time dealing with the fact that she was kind of a geek in high school.  Back then, she was always so awkward and shy, and kind of bumbling, in a cute way.  It wasn't until she started dating Oz that she gained some confidence and started coming out of her shell more."

"You're right," said Buffy.  "It was like having a boyfriend in a band somehow made her feel cooler of something.  She even used to brag about it sometimes.  Remember how when Oz left she was totally wrecked.  It was almost like she started regressing into her old self."

"Yeah," said Xander, "she told me how she went to that party and ran into Percy.  She was devastated that he still thought of her as a geek."

Tara was still slightly uncomfortable hearing about Willow and Oz, plus it was a little strange hearing about this other Willow that she had never known.  She decided to push the conversation forward.  "So, we've established that Willow used to be less confident, and that she drew her self esteem from external sources, like having a cool boyfriend.  When did she start getting into magic?  Can you think of anything that might have served as a trigger?"

"She started getting into it the summer that I ran away," said Buffy quietly.  She was closely studying the table in front of her so that she wouldn't have to meet anyone's eyes.

"Oh."  Tara knew a little of the story surrounding Buffy's self imposed exile in L.A., and she could tell that Buffy didn't feel comfortable talking about it.  "Why do you think that was?"

"Well," said Xander, shooting a wary glance at Buffy, "I kinda have a theory about that.  When Buffy left, she didn't tell anyone that she was leaving.  We really had no idea what had happened that night at the mansion.  All we knew was that the world hadn't ended.  All summer long, Willow worried about what could have happened.  She didn't know whether the re-souling curse had worked or not.  I kinda think that she felt guilty about it.  Like if she had only been able to curse Angel in time, then the whole thing wouldn't have happened, Giles wouldn't have been tortured, and Buffy wouldn't have run away.  Plus, with Buffy gone, Willow and I had to defend the Hellmouth all by ourselves.  I've always thought that Willow started learning magic because she wanted to feel useful when it came to slaying."

"So, what you're saying is that it's all my fault?"  Buffy's voice was soft, but the pain was evident.  

"Buff, no, that's not what I'm saying at all."  Xander was upset at having caused his friend pain.  

"It's okay, Xander.  I know that I took the coward's way out by running off like that."  Buffy raised her head to look at him.  "I'm really sorry for bailing on you.  I guess I was so busy thinking about my own pain that I didn't stop to consider what I was putting the rest of you guys through.  Can you ever forgive me for being so selfish?"

Xander reached across the table to pat Buffy's hand.  "Buffy, we forgave you a long time ago.  Really, it's over and done with, and you shouldn't waste any time feeling guilty about it now.  I didn't mean to upset you.  I was just saying that I think one of the reasons why Willow took up magic was because she felt like she'd let you down and she wanted to make up for it by becoming better at magic."

Buffy gave him a weak smile and squeezed his hand gently.  "Thanks, Xander.  You're a good friend, and I think you made a good point."

"Yeah, Xander," said Anya, "good point.  Okay, so we've established that Willow decided to become a witch because Buffy abandoned them alone on the Hellmouth."  Xander winced at this, but Anya appeared not to notice.  "So, what else?  How does that help us figure out a way to stop her?"

Tara decided to step in and regain control over the discussion before Anya said anything else inappropriate.  "Well, I just think that if we can figure out why Willow started using magic in the first place, it might help us to understand why she started abusing it.  Anything else you guys can think of?  Do you remember when she started getting more powerful?"

"Faith," said Buffy.

Anya looked at her strangely.  "Huh?  What does religion have to do with it?"

"No," said Buffy, "Faith, as in the other slayer.  When Faith came to town, she and I started spending a lot of time together.  I think that Willow was kinda jealous of that.  You know, Faith and I had the whole Slayer bond going on, and Willow and I just didn't have that.  That's when she started hanging out with Amy and that other guy, the warlock.  What was his name?"  Buffy struggled to remember, but couldn't.  High school seemed like another lifetime.  Actually, it was.  "Oh well, doesn't matter, my point was that she started hanging out with other magically inclined people, and her powers got stronger.  I think maybe she felt left out and just wanted to fit in.  I had another slayer to play with, maybe Willow wanted other witches to play with."

"Good," said Tara, "Buffy, I think that might be important.  Anyone else?"  Tara looked around the room.

Spike, who had been uncharacteristically silent for quite some time, spoke up.  "Last summer."  Everyone turned to look at him.  He cleared his throat and continued.  "When Buffy was gone last summer, Red had to take over control of the Scooby gang.  Since we didn't have the Slayer anymore, someone had to be in charge of patrol.  Willow decided that she was going to be that someone.  All of you were there, you saw what she was like."

"Yeah," said Xander, "Buffy, you weren't around to see it, but it was really kinda freaky how strong she got.  And so fast too."

"He's right," said Anya, "I've been around for a hell of a long time, and rarely have I seen anyone gain that kind of power so quickly.  Plus, once she decided to bring Buffy back, she spent almost all of her time researching and going over spell books."

Buffy was starting to look very uncomfortable, so, once again, Tara spoke up.  "I noticed it too, and I guess I should have done something about it sooner.  Even before that, I was starting to get a little scared at how powerful she was becoming.  I even said something to once, but she just got so upset.  I hated to bring it up again because I didn't want her to be angry with me."

"Is anyone else starting to see a pattern here?" asked Xander.

"It kinda seems like Willow turns to magic when she needs to feel good about herself," Buffy started hesitantly.  "Or maybe when she feels like she has to be useful or in control.  Does that make any sense?"  Several heads bobbed in agreement.  "Also, I've kinda noticed that when she has a setback, if something bad happens to her, then she immediately goes for the magic.  Like when Glory brainsucked you, Tara, or when you…when you…left."  Buffy finished weakly and gave Tara an uneasy smile.

"It's okay, Buffy.  I know that my leaving had a lot to do with Willow's problem.  It's just that I c-couldn't be around her right then, not after what she'd done to me.  She…violated my mind…and…and she betrayed my trust.  It was just too hard to look at her, to see what she had become."  Tara's eyes started to well up with tears, and Dawn reached out to comfort her.

"It's okay, Tara.  You thought that you were doing the right thing.  We know that you didn't mean for any of this to happen."

"Thanks, Dawnie.  I did think I was doing the right thing, at the time.  I thought that maybe if she lost me, she might take a good look at what she was doing and make some changes.  I guess that was just s-stupid."

"No, Tara, it wasn't stupid."  Buffy's heart went out to her, she knew what it was like to lose someone that you cared about.  "You were right to stand up to her.  None of us had the guts to even say anything to her about it.  Maybe if we had said something sooner it wouldn't have gotten this bad."

Spike sighed in frustration and got up from his spot on the stairs.  "People, there is no point in everyone blaming themselves.  Red is responsible for her own actions.  Who's to say that it would've done any good to talk to her sooner?  Let's everyone stop dwelling on the shoulda, coulda , woulda and start tying to find a way to help her _now_."

"I agree with Spike," said Anya.  "All this talk isn't really solving anything.  Why don't we just find a way to bind her powers and take it from there?"

"Anya!"  Xander's voice was harsh.  "Just…stop."

"Okay, okay," said Buffy, jumping in before another fight could start, "I hate to say it, but Anya and Spike have a point.  We really do need a little less talk and a lot more action.  But, Anya, I still don't think that binding Willow's powers is the way to go.  There must be some other option."

Xander checked his watch.  "Look, it's getting late.  The Dawnster's got school tomorrow, and I have an early start time.  Maybe we should call it a night?  I think we have made some progress.  At least now, we have an understanding of why Willow's magic is so important to her."

"I agree," said Tara.  "It's almost midnight.  Dawnie should be in bed.  Listen, I will try to talk to Willow tomorrow.  Maybe I can make a little headway.  Who knows?  Maybe Buffy's right and she does want to give up magic cold turkey."

"Are you sure you want to do that, Tara?" asked Buffy.  "I know how hard it must be for you to see her."

"It'll be hard, I'm sure, but I just think that she's more likely to listen to me.  She promised me once that she would give up magic, maybe she'll do it again.  Hopefully, she'll be able to stick to it."  Tara didn't sound too sure of herself.

"Okay, as long as you're sure."  Buffy stood up and gave Tara a quick hug.  "Good luck.  I hope it goes better for you than it did for me this morning."  She gave Tara a rueful smile and spontaneously hugged her again.  "Thanks for doing this Tara.  It really means a lot to all of us that Willow gets better soon."

"I know.  It means a lot to me too.  I love her, and I just want the old Willow back."

"We all do," said Buffy.

As everyone was gathering up their stuff and saying their goodbyes, Spike walked over to Buffy.  "So, are we still on for patrol, then?"

Buffy groaned inwardly.  "Spike, I don't have time for any more of your crap right now.  I'm worried about Willow, and, frankly, after that little stunt you pulled earlier, I really don't feel like spending any quality time with you."

"Look, Luv, I'm sorry about before.  I didn't mean to upset you.  I was just taking the piss out of you."

"What?  Gross!"

Spike chuckled.  "Teasing, Luv, I was just teasing you.  Come on now, I promise not to try anything funny.  I'll be a perfect gentleman, I swear."

"Spike, you are not the perfect anything!" snapped Buffy.  "Well, a perfect pain in my ass maybe," she amended.  "And what did I tell you about calling me that?"

"Buffy," Spike lowered his voice to a sexy purr and took a few steps closer to her.  Reaching out to toy with a lock of her hair, he said, "We had such a good day together.  I just want to spend a little more time with you.  Besides, you have to patrol anyway.  It's just patrol, Pet, nothing will happen that you don't want to happen."

Buffy felt the heat rise within her as his nearness started to get to her.  Angrily, she slapped Spike's hand away.  "Please, like you could make something happen if I didn't want it to happen!"

Spike chuckled again.  "Exactly.  So there's no reason for you to stay away, is there?"

Buffy was starting to waver.  They really had had a nice day together, and it might not be so bad to spend some more time with Spike.  Also, she hadn't gotten much done in the way of slaying the past couple of nights, and she really should patrol.  Still, she didn't know if she could trust herself.  "What about Dawn?  I have to take her home."

Spike saw that she was close to giving in, and decided to seize the opportunity.  "Whelp!" he shouted, never taking his eyes off Buffy.   "Can you give Nibblet a ride home?"

Buffy glared at Spike and spoke up.  "Would you mind, Xander?  I really need to do a quick patrol.  I've kinda been slacking lately."

"Sure thing Buff.  I'll make sure she gets home okay.  You ready to go, Dawnmiester?"  As Dawn finished saying goodbye to Tara, Xander looked worriedly between Spike and Buffy.  "You taking Evil Dead with you?"

"Might as well," said Buffy with a shrug.  "He does come in handy sometimes."

Spike smirked at her.  "Aw, Slayer, I'm flattered."

"Whatever," mumbled Xander, "just be careful, okay?"

Spike was about to say something cocky when Dawn came over.  "What's up?  Aren't you coming home, Buffy?"

"No, I'm going to do a quick patrol.  Xander will drive you home.  I want you to go straight to bed, okay?  If you see Willow, don't say anything, just stay out of her way."

Dawn gave Buffy a skeptical look.  "You're going to patrol?  Now?  With Spike?"

"Yes, Dawn," sighed Buffy, "I'm going to patrol.  I'm the Slayer, it's what I do.  Spike is coming with me because he has to go to the cemetery anyway.  That's all.  Any more questions?"

"Nope.  Just don't leave any more clothes in his crypt, okay?"  Dawn raised an eyebrow and smirked at her sister.

Spike laughed out loud, but didn't say anything.  Xander glared at Spike, and Buffy turned bright red.

Dawn turned to Spike.  "Act Two tomorrow?"

"Sure thing, Nibblet.  Just come over after school."

"What's this?" asked Buffy.  "Dawn, you're going over to Spike's again?  When were you planning on asking permission?"

Dawn rolled her eyes.  "God, Buffy, you are such a dictator!  I didn't realize that I needed permission to do my homework."

"Homework?  What are you talking about?"  

"It just so happens, Slayer, that I am helping the Little Bit with her English homework.  Ain't that right, Bit?"  Spike gave Dawn a wink.

"Color me stunned," said Xander sarcastically, "I had no idea that Captain Peroxide even knew how to read."

Spike was not amused.  "Sod off!" he snapped.

Dawn spoke up in his defense.  "Oh, Spike's great with all that English junk.  He totally understands Shakespeare and everything, and he's really helping me with this stupid play I have to read.  You'd be surprised, Xander, he's—"

"Nibblet!" roared Spike.  He was desperate to shut Dawn up before she revealed his deep dark secret to the Whelp.

Dawn looked extremely guilty.  "Right.  Sorry, never mind."

Buffy was a little surprised to hear Dawn's praise for Spike.  She had never figured Spike to be the kind of guy that got off on reading Shakespeare, it just didn't go with the whole Sid Vicious thing that he had going on.  Also, she could hardly believe that Spike would actually help Dawn with her homework.  Well, at least someone was helping her.  Buffy had never been any good at the whole school thing, and Willow was in no condition to be playing teacher.  She decided that this might actually turn out to be a good thing.  Dawn's grades were already raising eyebrows over at Social Services, so a little help couldn't hurt.  "Okay, Dawn, you can go over to Spike's after school and work on your homework, but I don't want you hanging around all night watching TV, okay?  I want you home in time for dinner, and if it's dark before you're finished, have Spike walk you home."

Dawn rolled her eyes again.  "Yes, Master."  She turned to give Spike a quick hug.  "Thanks for hanging out with me today, Spike.  I had the best time."

"My pleasure, Nibblet.  See you tomorrow," he said returning her hug.  His eyes met Buffy's over the top of Dawn's head, and Spike saw that she had a strange, almost wistful, smile on her face.  Letting go of Dawn, he said, "Ready to go, Slayer?"

"Yeah, Spike, let's go."  Buffy turned to look at Xander.  "Thanks for taking Dawn home.  Um," she lowered her voice a bit, "no hard feeling about before?"

Xander had almost forgotten that he was supposed to be mad at Buffy for what she had said about Anya.  Oh well, no sense dwelling on it. With this whole Willow situation going on, the rest of the group had to stick together.  "Don't worry about it, Buff.  No harm done."

Buffy smiled with relief.  "Thanks, Xan.  Okay, we're out of here.  Come on, Spike."


	11. The Patrol

If Not Wisely

Chapter 11:  The Patrol

Spoilers:  Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.

Rating:  R for swearing and some sexual situations.

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

Feedback:  Would be highly appreciated.  This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing.  Constructive criticism is welcome.

Distribution:  So far, just here.  If anyone wants it, just let me know.

Summary:  Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.

A/N:  Here's the new chapter!  Thanks to everyone who left reviews.  I stole an actual line for the show in this one, and I'm sure that most of you will be able to spot it.  Sorry about that, but I just couldn't resist.  It fit in too perfectly, and I've always thought that it suited Spike much better than Captain Cardboard.  Please review and let me know if you like it.  Thanks!

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Buffy and Spike patrolled the cemetery in an awkward silence.  Neither knew exactly what to say to the other.  Spike was thinking about the argument they'd had in the training room.  He'd had some time to clam down during the meeting, and he'd decided that Buffy had enough on her plate.  He was loath to make things worse for her by harping on the status of their relationship.  Still, he hated being her dirty little secret, and he hated knowing that she thought him to be beneath her.  Most of all, he hated the fact that one little word or look from the Slayer had the power to hurt him so much.  He wondered if he should bring it up again, let her know how much it bothered him.  

Spike stole a sideways glance at Buffy and saw that she appeared to be lost in thought.  She looked so cute, with her brow furrowed in concentration, that Spike hated to start another fight.  No matter how much he wanted to, or how much she deserved it, Spike could never manage to stay mad at Buffy for long.  He had all the time in the world to make her love him, and there was no sense in pushing too hard.  It was obvious that Buffy wasn't ready to face her feelings, and confronting her only seemed to make things worse.  Pushing his hurt feelings aside, Spike decided to subtly remind her of the fact that she had been half-naked in his crypt the night before.  Maybe he'd wind up getting lucky again, who knew?

"So, Slayer, am I ever going to get my T-shirt back?   I only have the few, you know."

"Your shirt?"  Buffy looked a little guilty.  She hadn't been planning on giving it back to him; she liked the comfort of falling asleep surrounded by his scent.  "Um, yeah, I was going to give it to you.  I just sorta forgot.  Of course you'll get it back.  I mean, why wouldn't you?"  He was looking at her strangely.  "Come on, it's not like I want to keep your stinky old shirt or anything!  Besides, you don't exactly have the most extensive wardrobe in the world, and you need it much more than I do.  Um, not that I need it or anything, 'cause I don't.  Really, I don't even want the stupid thing."  Buffy knew that she was babbling, but she couldn't help it.  Sometimes, he just made her so nervous, and it was almost like he knew what she was thinking.

Spike chuckled.  It sounded to him like Buffy didn't want to give the shirt back to him.  He had briefly considered keeping her clothing as well, it smelled like her, but had decided that it would just make her angry.  Plus, he'd really enjoyed making a big production out of giving them back to her in front of the whole group.  "So, is that a yes, then?"

"Of course it's a yes!" snapped Buffy.  "Just let me wash it for you first, okay?"  She was trying to stall for time, in  hopes that she might be able to keep it a couple of more days.

"No!" said Spike, a little too forcefully and a little too quickly.  The last thing that he wanted was for her to wash the Buffy scent out of it.  "No, luv, that's okay.  You don't need to go through all that trouble."

"Oh.  Okay then.  Well, I guess I'll just give it back to you the next time I see you then."  Buffy was disappointed.  She hadn't really wanted to wash it either, but now she had no reason to keep it just a little bit longer.

Spike could see her disappointment, and it made his hopes surge just a bit.  Dawn had told him how Buffy had slept in his T-shirt, maybe she wanted to keep it.  He had no problem with that, and he liked the idea that some little part of him was in bed with the Slayer every night.  He stopped walking, grabbed Buffy's arm and turned her to face him.  Keeping a hold of her arm, he leaned in close and spoke softly.  "Luv, if you wanna keep it, you can.  I can always nick another, it's no big deal."

"Why would I wanna keep it?" asked Buffy.  She was flustered, both by his nearness and the topic at hand.

"Oh, I dunno, luv."  Spike kept his voice as low and sexy as possible.  "Just thought maybe you might wanna…sleep in it or something."

Buffy yanked her arm out of his grasp, her face flushed with embarrassment.  Was he reading her mind?  How could he know that?  Dawn.  Oh, that girl was going to get it.  "Did, uh, Dawn say something to you?" she asked nervously.

"About what, luv?"  Spike tried to look as innocent as possible.

Buffy wasn't buying it.  "Look, whatever Dawn told you, I'm sure she exaggerated.   I may have slept in your shirt the other night, but it was only because I was too tired to bother changing clothes.  So, so, don't go getting any big ideas, mister!"  She poked him forcefully in the chest to make her point.

Spike just laughed at that.  "Okay, luv, I believe you.  No need to resort to violence; it was just a thought."

"Well, it was a stupid thought.  You can have your damn shirt back, 'cause I don't want it!  I was just tired is all, and, and, it's not like it means anything.  Okay?  So, just get off my back about the stupid shirt!  I didn't even like it anyway.  It totally reeks!  It smells like, like…you!"

Spike was still laughing at her.  Why did she let him get to her like this?  And why did he find the whole situation so funny?  She narrowed her eyes at him.  "What else did Dawn tell you?  What is she saying about me?"

Spike stopped laughing.  He didn't want Buffy to get brassed off at little sis.  "Nothing, luv, she didn't say anything about you at all.  Mostly we just concentrated  on her homework."

"You're really helping her with her homework?"

"Is that so surprising?  Just because I'm evil, doesn't mean that I'm stupid."

"Oh, I know that you're not stupid," said Buffy.  "It's just that I never pictured you as the type, is all."

Spike smirked at her.  "Well, it looks like you don't know me quite as well as you thought you did."

"Let's just say that you never cease to surprise me.  So, what play is she reading, anyway?"

"Romeo and Juliet."

"Oh, I remember that one!"  Buffy grinned up at him.  "I think that's required reading for every Freshman in the country.  So, how's she doing?  Does she like it?"

"She's doing great," said Spike.  "She was a little put off by the language at first, but once she got past that and started concentrating on the story, she really started to get into it."  He gave a little laugh, remembering.  "Bit even said that it reminded her of us."

"Who?  You and me?"  Spike nodded.  "Why would it remind her of us?"

"Oh, you know, 'My only love sprung from my only hate,' and all that."

"What?" shrieked Buffy.  "Spike, I don't love you."

"I know," said Spike softly.  He did know, but it still hurt to hear her say it.

Buffy felt a little sorry for him.  He looked so sad, and she could tell that she had hurt him.  She reached out and put a hand on his arm.  "Look, I don't love you, but I don't hate you either, not anymore."

Spike met her eyes.  Now seemed like as good of time as any.  "Buffy, what am I to you?"

That was a question to which Buffy had no answer.  "I don't know Spike," she said truthfully.  "That's what I'm trying to figure out.  All I know is that you're not my enemy anymore, and I kinda like talking to you."  She saw Spike's eyes light up at that and quickly added, "Sometimes, when you're not being totally annoying.  I've got to tell ya, you've really got that annoying bit down pat."  They both laughed a little, then Buffy turned serious.  "Ever since I've been back, you've been—"

Buffy words were cut off by a high-pitched female scream.  Without another thought, they both took off running through the cemetery.  About a hundred yards from Spike's crypt, they saw a large, scaly demon with a horn set in the middle of his forehead, and what looked to be a fledgling vampire fighting over a young girl. The girl, who didn't look much older than Dawn, was absolutely terrified, and each of her attackers had a hold of one of her arms.  It looked to Buffy like they were fighting over the wishbone from the Thanksgiving turkey.  "All right," she shouted to Spike, "you get fangy, and I'll get horny!"   Spike raised an eyebrow at her, and Buffy realized how bad that had sounded.  "You know what I mean!"  

Buffy pulled a stake out of her jacket pocket and tossed it to Spike, who caught it on the run.  Taking a flying leap, she launched herself at Mr. Horny, who immediately lost its grip on the girl.  They both hit the ground hard, with Buffy on top.  Immediately, she began pummeling its head with alternating right and left punches.  Before she could do much damage, the demon managed to buck her off.  With a cry of surprise, she flew through the air and crashed against tombstone.

Buffy struggled to her feet in a daze.  How the hell had that happened?  She hadn't figured the demon for much of a fighter, after all, it had been playing tug of war with a fledgling.  She was still trying to get her bearings when she heard Spike call out her name.  Spinning quickly toward the sound of his voice, Buffy saw that the demon was advancing on her rapidly.  She dropped into a fighting stance and prepared for the attack.  When it came within striking distance, she launched a series of kicks in its direction.  She was once again surprised to find that it had barely been affected by her assault.  Buffy was seriously starting to regret her decision to take on Mr. Horny.

After a brief struggle, far too brief for his taste, Spike managed to stake his vamp.  He immediately turned to where the girl lay crumpled on the ground, sobbing hysterically.  He crouched down to get a look at her.  "You okay, pet?"

The girl lifted her head to see who had helped her and let out a scream of pure terror.  She immediately began scrambling backwards on her bottom, trying to get away.  Her feet were slipping on the dewy grass, and she couldn't manage to find her feet.  "Please don't hurt me," she whimpered.

Spike was surprised by her reaction.  "Hurt you?  Bloody Hell, I just saved your life!"

The girl did not stop her crying.  "But, but, you're…you're…"  She was sobbing so hard that she couldn't even get the words out.

"Oh," Spike had finally figured out what the problem was.  He had slipped into game face during the fight without even realizing it.  Quickly, he shook off his demonic visage.  "It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you.  You'd best get out of here now.  It's not safe for a little thing like you to be out her at night. Go on, run, as fast as you can."  The girl finally managed to get to her feet and took off running at top speed.  Spike heaved a sigh and turned to see if Buffy needed any help.

Buffy did need help.  The demon was kicking the crap out of her.  Spike turned just in time to see her being hurled into the side of a mausoleum.  He was about to tackle the demon from behind when he realized exactly what kind of demon they were dealing with.  Bloody hell, it was sodding Yothnan.  The only way to kill those buggers was to cut of their heads.  A quick glance at the Slayer's tight jeans told him that she didn't have any weapons hidden on her.  Looked like it was up to Spike.

Buffy was back on her feet and admirably blocking most of the demon's attacks.  Her counter-attacks, however, were none too successful, and she had taken a few more hits that she would've liked.  She turned her head to see Spike standing there, apparently doing nothing.  "Spike," she screamed, "a little help here?"

"I'm on it!" Spike shouted back to her, and he took of running in the other direction.

"What the hell!"  Buffy dodged another blow from the demon and lashed out to kick it solidly in what she hoped was a kneecap.  "Where are you going?"  Once again, the demon seemed impervious, and she was back to evading its powerful fists and wondering where the hell Spike had gone.  "Stupid vampire," she muttered under her breath as the demon pinned her against the mausoleum.  Buffy put the force of her anger towards Spike into a headbutt and managed to knock the creature to the ground.  "I'm gonna stake his ass," she grumbled as she fell upon the demon and began banging its head into the ground.

Spike was busy rummaging around in his crypt looking for something to cut the demon's head off with.  He finally came up with an old, tarnished battle axe.  He picked it up, testing its weight.  "This should work," he said out loud as he took of running back into the cemetery.  He arrived on the scene to see Buffy straddling the demon and pounding its head repeatedly into the ground, all the while muttering about stupid, unreliable vampires.  He smiled to herself and called out her name.

At the sound of his voice, Buffy looked up, and the demon used the opportunity to throw her off.  She struggled to her feet and began warding off another attack.  Spike grabbed the demon from behind, and Buffy had a chance to catch her breath.  "Where the hell have you been?" she hissed.

The demon was flailing wildly, and Spike was having a hard time hanging on.  "Brought you something," he said and tossed her the axe.

"Thank God!"  Buffy caught the axe and immediately advanced on the demon.  "Hold him still," she demanded while winding up to take a swing.

"The head!" shouted Spike.  "You have to cut off the head."  He was very close to losing his grip on the monster.

"Well, let him go so that I can do it!"  Buffy started circling the pair, trying to find the best angle for taking off the head.

Spike suddenly released his hold of the struggling demon, and it stumbled forward under the force of its own momentum.  Buffy was waiting with the axe.  With a loud grunt, she brought the axe down and chopped its head off in one smooth motion.  The decapitated body crumpled to the ground in front of her, as the head landed a few feet away.  She stood over the body for a minute to make sure that it was really dead.   To her surprise, it began to melt away right in front of her.  In a few short seconds, there was noting left.  Buffy looked around for the head, but found that it had vanished as well.  Lowering the axe, she turned to Spike, "What the hell was that?"

"That, luv, was a Yothnan Demon.  Tough little buggers.  The only way to kill 'em is to cut off the head.  That's why I ran to get the axe.  You didn't think I'd just abandon you?"

Spike was panting.  Buffy didn't know why he panted when he didn't need to breathe, but she thought it was kinda cute.  In fact, he was kinda cute, standing there with his hair all mussed and his duster slightly askew.  Without a word, she dropped the axe and ran to him, shoving him forcefully against a nearby tree.

"Hey, watch it!  There could've been a branch!" protested Spike.

Buffy cut off his protests with her lips, which she immediately crushed against his.  Surprised by the suddenness of her assault, Spike took a few seconds to react.  When he finally realized that Buffy wasn't trying to kill him, his arms immediately went around her waist, and he pulled her tightly against him.  They stood against the tree kissing wildly for several minutes before Spike broke off.  Buffy was panting heavily and had a slight glazed look in her eyes.  "What's this?" asked Spike.  He really hadn't been expecting Buffy to throw herself at him.

Buffy shrugged.  "It was a good fight," she said, before pulling his head back down for another kiss.

Spike decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

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Four hours later, Buffy awoke with a start.  She had been dreaming about being in her coffin again.  She sat up quickly and tried to get her bearings.  It was dark where she was.  The air was damp and smelled like earth.  She panicked for a moment, thinking that she might actually be underground again, before she realized that she was in Spike's crypt.  Oh God, they'd had sex again.   She clutched the bed sheets tightly around her naked body and looked over at Spike.  He was sound asleep, and he had the strangest look of contentment on his face.  She smiled softly at the sight of him.  He should be content, after the hours of fabulous sex they'd just had.  There were long, red scratches on his chest, and bruises were starting to form on his upper arms.  Buffy looked down at her own wrists, which were red and chaffed.  She began rubbing them absently.  What on earth had possessed her to trust Spike with handcuffs?  He could have killed her, and a couple of years ago, he would have.  She should be dead, but she wasn't.

That thought only brought more panic.  Buffy wondered if that was the reason she was sleeping with Spike in the first place.  Did she somehow, subconsciously, want him to kill her?  He _could_ actually kill her now.  The chip didn't work on her anymore.  She'd come back wrong.   For almost a week now, Buffy hadn't allowed herself to think about it, but Spike's words had haunted her.  She was wrong.  

It was funny that she hadn't really been all that surprised to find out that something was wrong.  Ever since she'd come back to life, Buffy had felt like something was off, something was missing.  She'd felt so disconnected from her friends, and it was almost like she'd completely lost touch with her emotions.  Her body may have been alive, but she still felt dead inside.  Most days, she just wanted to go back, away from this cold, hard world and back to the warm, safe place where she had spent 147 days in complete and utter happiness.

Maybe that _was_ why she was with Spike.  Maybe she was just hoping that he would kill her, and she'd get a free pass back to heaven.  It wasn't until she had realized that Spike could actually hurt her that Buffy had allowed herself to have sex with him.  She had certainly thought about it before, but she'd never done anything about it until after he had become a real threat to her.  She had to wonder at the timing.  There she'd been, wishing for a way to get out of this hell called life, and Spike had shown up with the answer to her prayers.  God, that was just too messed up, too twisted, even for her.

Okay, so maybe she hadn't been exactly high on life, and maybe she sometimes found herself wishing that she had just stayed dead, that didn't mean that she was actively looking for ways to die.  Besides, the only time she ever felt alive anymore was when she was with Spike.  If she really wanted to die that badly, why would she constantly seek out the one thing that made her feel like living?  Why was it that that one thing happened to be an evil, soulless vampire?  Buffy decided to chalk it up to coming back wrong.  It only made sense that, since she was wrong, her feelings would be wrong as well.  That explained why she would rather be with her former mortal enemy than with her best friend of over five years.  She was wrong, and this whole thing with Spike was wrong, too.  Then why did it feel so right?

Memories of the past few hours came flooding back to her.  The first couple of times had been fast and hard, with lots of biting, clawing and scratching.  They had been animalistic, almost primal, in their need for each other.  After the adrenaline from the fight had worn off, they had settled down and taken their time.  It had been almost sweet, and a little too close to making love for Buffy's comfort.  She remembered Spike looking straight into her eyes and telling her that he loved her.  She had turned away from him and said nothing in return.  It had been too much for her.  She couldn't handle tender, gentle sex followed by declarations of love.  She didn't love him; she couldn't love him.  In fact, Buffy didn't think she could ever love anyone again.  Love was just too painful.  This whole thing was supposed to be just sex.  It wasn't her fault that Spike thought he was in love with her.  Sex was all that she could offer him right now.

After the third time, when Buffy had still been hungry for more, Spike had teased her, saying, "I guess it's true, then.  I get fangy, and you get horny."  At the time, Buffy had just laughed along right along and proceeded to have her way with him.  Now, though, that statement was starting to nag at her.  Had it been true what he'd said that morning in the fallen-down house?  Was she just a groupie?  Did vampires get her hot?  Maybe she just had some sort of sick vampire fetish?  She'd never really enjoyed sex with Riley all that much.  He'd just been too gentle and restrained, and she'd always felt like she had to hold back a little with him.  Sex with Spike was amazing, mind-blowing, even.  He never held anything back.  Spike fucked like he fought; with abandon, all out, balls to the wall, nothing but passion and fire.  The act of sex seemed to consume him whole, and Buffy loved every minute of it.  There must be something wrong with her.  She could only get off while screwing the undead.

Buffy decided that she had tortured herself enough for one night.  It was time to get the hell out of there before Spike woke up and made her want to stay.  Buffy got up from the bed as quietly as possible and started rooting around in the dark for her clothes.  She wasn't surprised to find them scattered all over the room.  They'd barely made it to the bed as it was.  She searched out the hastily discarded garments as quickly as possible and began to get dressed.  She was just tying her shoes when Spike stirred awake.

"Leaving so soon, luv?"

The sound of his voice startled Buffy, making her jump and give a little shriek.  Her heart pounding, she turned to face him.  "Spike, I have to go."

"Don't you think we oughta talk about what just happened here?"

Buffy sighed.  What was it with him and talking?  Men weren't supposed to go in for all that talking crap.  "There's nothing to talk about, Spike.  We had sex.  That's all it was, just sex."

Now it was Spike's turn to sigh.  "Come on, luv.  You know there's more to it than that.  Why won't you admit it?"

"There's nothing to admit.  I was pumped up from the fight; you were there; we had sex.  End of story.  Now, I really  need to go.  I have to get home before Dawn wakes up."

"Luv—"

"No, Spike.  I don't wanna hear it.  It was wrong, and it shouldn't have happened.  We both know that.  I'm just starting to deal with being your friend, and this is only going to screw things up.  I'm sorry, okay, but I just can't deal with this now.  I have to go."

"Okay, luv.  Do what you have to do.  If you wanna talk about it later, then you know where to find me."  Spike decided that it wasn't worth getting into another argument.  They'd had a good night together, and he didn't want it to end on a sour note.

"Thanks," said Buffy quietly.  She was a little surprised that Spike had decided to let it go so easily.  "Um, and thank you for your help tonight.  With the demon."

"Any time.  Goodnight, Buffy."  Spike longed to tell her that her loved her, and that he would do anything to keep her safe, but he didn't think that it would go over too well.  She was obviously bothered over what had happened, and  he didn't want to make it any worse.

"Goodnight, Spike," Buffy said as she turned and climbed up the ladder.


	12. The Dream

If Not Wisely

Chapter 12:  The Dream

Spoilers:  Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.

Rating:  R for swearing and some sexual situations.

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

Feedback:  Would be highly appreciated.  This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing.  Constructive criticism is welcome.

Distribution:  So far, just here.  If anyone wants it, just let me know.

Summary:  Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.

A/N:  Here's the new chapter!  A little angst and brooding for Spike with a freaky dream sequence thrown in for good measure.  Quotes from William Shakespeare's _Romeo and Juliet _in italics.  Please review and let me know if you like it.  Thanks!

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After Buffy left, Spike had a hard time falling back to sleep.    He was worried that their night together might have been a mistake.  He cursed his overactive libido and the Slayer's raw sexuality.  He should've known that nothing good could've come from it, and he should've put a stop to it.  Any meager progress that they'd been starting to make was almost surely undone by this one night of sex.  Buffy had been starting to trust him more, and most importantly, trust herself with him.  

The day they'd spent in his crypt together had been almost perfect.  She had confided in him, cried in front of him, and even let him try to help her with her problems.  Spike sighed and tried to recall the feeling of having Buffy in his arms.  Those few hours they'd spent lying in his bed had been much more intimate that anything they'd done that night.  Buffy had given more of herself to him in that one, sweet kiss than she'd given in a whole night's worth of sex.  Spike had finally felt like she was beginning to let him in.  Now, it looked like she had shut him out once again.  In the cemetery, she had told Spike that she didn't hate him, but he didn't doubt that she was probably hating him right now.  If he knew Buffy—and he did—she was hating herself for what she'd done and hating him for his part in it.  The never-ending dance they'd been doing since they'd met had caught up with them once again, and Spike found himself two steps back.  They would never reach their destination if they kept dancing to this same tune.

Spike threw the covers back angrily and got out of bed.  There was no sense waiting for sleep that he knew would not come.  He stalked over to grab the half-empty bottle of  Scotch from the top of his bookshelf and began hunting around for a glass.  Finding none, he just shrugged and proceeded to drink from the bottle.  The velvety liquid burned down his throat, infusing him with a false sense of warmth.  Hmm, pretty good.  He turned the bottle to look at the label and found that it was one he'd nicked from the Watcher quite some time ago.  He had to hand it Giles, the man did have good taste in liquor.  

Taking another healthy swig, he went back over to the bed and began rooting around in his nightstand.  Finally, he came up with a ragged, old picture of Buffy.  It was one of the one's he'd stolen from her house, and it showed her happy and laughing.  Spike had no idea who had taken the picture, or what it was that'd made Buffy so happy, but it was his all-time favorite picture of her.  He'd never seen her that happy, not before she had died, and definitely not after.  His fingers roamed gently over her image, and he wished that he could be touching her for real.  "What made you so happy, pet?" he murmured to himself.  Why couldn't he make her that happy?  In his heart, Spike knew that he could make her happy, if only she would let him.  Just the other night, he'd told Buffy that he loved the way her eyes shone when she was truly happy, yet, in reality, the only time he'd ever seen her eyes shine that way was in this picture.  How he wished he could see it in person, that he could be the cause of that happiness.

Spike sighed again and took another long pull from his bottle.  What the hell was he doing?  What good could it possibly do to sit around and mope?  He was definitely starting to act like his poofy grandsire.  "Sod that!" he growled.  For a moment, Spike contemplated hurling the liquor bottle at the wall for good measure, but he hated to waste good Scotch.  He decided to drain it instead.  He absolutely refused to turn into a gloomy, broody, sorry excuse for a vampire.  Heartened, he started to work on draining the bottle, only to have his eyes once again fall on the picture of his beloved.  The pain that welled up inside of him was almost too much to bear, and Spike resigned himself to a long night of good, old-fashioned brooding.

An hour later, Spike was working on his second bottle of Scotch.  He was completely drunk and totally consumed with self-doubt.  This thing with the Slayer had to have been the stupidest thing he'd ever done, and Spike had done a lot of stupid things.  What had ever made him think that Buffy could love him?  He was an evil, soulless monster, eternally locked in darkness, and she was a beautiful ray of sunlight, symbolic of all that was right and good in the world.  Buffy was a warrior for The Powers That Be, and Spike was evil embodied.  How could he have ever thought it would work?  He should be grateful for the little bit that she had already given him, but he always wanted more.  Hell, he should be grateful that she allowed him to exist at all.  She could've killed him a long time ago, should've killed him a long time ago.  Maybe he should just let her stake him now.  Loving her had already destroyed him.  Those army wankers many have taken away his bite, but Buffy had taken away everything else that had made him Spike.  He had turned his back on over a hundred years of existence on the slim hope that she might someday love him.  Spike knew that he could never go back to the way things were before, but how could he go on this way?

Spike had once told Buffy that she had a death wish, that she was just a little bit in love with it, but maybe he'd been wrong.  Maybe he was the one with the death wish.  He was certainly in love with death, for that's what the Slayer was.  For over five years now, she had handed out death to every demon and vampire she'd come across.  What made Spike any different?  He was no fool, and he knew that one of these days he might just piss Buffy off enough to actually stake his ass.  Was that what he wanted?  His love for her had managed to override his instinct for survival.  The one thing in the world that a vampire should be the most afraid of was the one thing that he craved more than blood.  Would his love for Buffy be what finally got him killed?  Would he even care when it actually happened?  

The massive amount of Scotch swirling around in his borrowed blood eventually overtook him, and Spike drifted off into a restless, dream-filled sleep.

Spike found himself in the cemetery with Buffy.  They were kissing passionately under a full moon when Buffy suddenly broke off to look up at him.  "Spike," she breathed, "I love you.  I love you more than anyone or anything I've ever known.   I want us to be together forever.  I don't care what my friends say.  I just want to be with you."

Spike was dumbfounded.  He couldn't believe that Buffy was actually saying these things to him.  It was all he ever wanted, for her to say that she loved him and that it didn't matter what her friends thought.  It was almost too perfect; it couldn't be real.  He looked down into the face of the woman he loved, and he could almost feel his dead heart start beating again.  He wanted to tell Buffy how much he loved her and ask if she really meant what she said, but when he opened his mouth, the words that came out were not his.

_                "O blessed, blessed night!  I am afeard,_

_                 Being in night, all this is but a dream,_

_                 Too flattering-sweet to be substantial."_

Suddenly, the scene shifted and Buffy was gone.  In her place was Angel.  No, wait, leather pants; had to be Angelus.  Spike looked around in confusion, trying to figure out what had happened to Buffy.  To his surprise, he was no longer in the cemetery, but in the old mansion on Crawford Street.  Angelus was lounging casually against a wall smoking a cigarette and sneering at him.

"Of course it's a dream, William, my boy!  What else could it possibly be?  You don't seriously think that Buffy could ever love an evil, disgusting thing like you?"

Spike clenched his fists in anger and glared at his grandsire.  "Sod off, you pouncy wanker!  You have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Oh, but I do.  You forget, I was her first love, her fallen angel.  I'm the guy that all other guys will be measured against, and found wanting.  You don't stand a chance; you never did."  Angelus flicked his cigarette away and took a few steps closer to Spike.  "You're not noble enough for the likes of her.  No, Buffy likes her vampires all tortured and brooding."

"You don't know shit about her anymore!  You left, remember, but I've been here the whole time.  She's changed, and so have I."

"Come on, Spike.  Demons don't change.  You said so yourself."

Spike was mildly chastened by this.  He had, in fact, said that very thing to Angel not that many years before.  But, that had been back when the thought of Angel batting for the white hats had disgusted and enraged him.  Things were so different now.  Everything had changed.  "I can change!" he shouted.  "I can, and I have.  I love her, and I'd do anything to be with her.  Buffy's the only thing that matters to me anymore, her and her little sis.  I love her a whole hell of a lot more than you ever did!  At least I've got the stones to stick around when things get tough.  I'd never bail on her like you did.  My love is stronger than that!"

From somewhere behind him, Spike heard a girlish giggle.  Quickly, he whirled around, hoping that Buffy had come back.  Instead, he saw Drusilla.  She was spinning in circles with one arm flung out and the other clutching Miss Edith tightly to her breast.  If he had been breathing, his breath would have caught at the sight of her.  Spike had not seen Drusilla in almost a year, and here she was in front of him, looking exactly as he remembered her.  

"Spike," laughed Drusilla.  "My Spike.  Come to mummy.  Come to your sweet princess.  Miss Edith is cross that you missed her tea party.  It was her birthday.  Bad dog!"  Once again, Drusilla's insane laughter filled the room.

"Dru…"  Spike took a step closer to his former mate.  He was mesmerized by her dark beauty.  She was the exact opposite of Buffy.  As much as he loved his Slayer, Spike could not resist the pull of his black princess.

"The stars are singing to me, Spike.   They're telling me that all is not lost.  Those burning baby fishes do not swim for eternity.  Come to mummy, and I will make you whole again."

"Dru…I can't…I'm not…"  Spike didn't know what to say.  As much as he wanted to go to Drusilla and reclaim his old life, he couldn't bear the thought of losing Buffy forever.  It didn't matter that he only had a small part of her, he couldn't let it go.

"Spike!" wailed Drusilla.  She had stopped spinning and was looking at him pleadingly.  "The moon is angry.  It's shouting at me.  You don't belong in the sun!  You cannot live there.  You belong with your princess."  She began to whimper and whine. "I need my Spike!"

The last of Spike's resolve broke upon hearing her pathetic cries.  Quickly, he closed the distance remaining between them and reached out to hold her.  Drusilla immediately vanished, and Angelus' mocking laughter rang out.

"You see?  Do you even have any idea how extremely pathetic you are?  You go on and on about how much you love Buffy, but you go running back to Dru the first chance you get!"

Spike whirled on Angelus, game face coming to the fore.  "That's not true!  I gave up Dru to be with Buffy!  I was willing to stake her, my sire, just to prove my love.  It's Buffy I love, not Dru.  Dru is in my past, and it's over now.  I'll love Buffy till I'm nothing but a pile of dust."

"Is that so?" sneered Angelus.  "'Cause I seem to remember you making those exact same declarations about Drusilla.  It was embarrassing, the way you fawned all over her, always proclaiming your undying love.  Hell, you loved her enough to try and get her back after she so coldly abandoned you for me!  What happened to that love?  You always claimed that it was eternal, but, last time I checked, you aren't exactly a pile of dust.  How could you turn your back on Drusilla?  And for the Slayer of all things?"

Spike had a clever and cutting comeback all ready in his head, but, once again, when he opened his mouth, strange words came out.  _"Thou chidst me oft for loving Rosaline," _ What the fuck?  Who was Rosaline?  Why was he saying such strange things?

Angelus did not seem to notice the strange reply, and he continued in the same vein.  _"For doting, not for loving, pupil mine."_

The words continued to flow, and Spike seemed to have no control over them.  _"And badst me bury my love."_

_"Not in a grave.  To lay one in, another out to have."_

_"I pray thee, chide me not.  Her I love now.  Doth grace for grace and love for love allow; the other did not so."_

_"Oh, she knew well.  Thy love did read by rote that could not spell."_

As suddenly as it had begun, the spell was over.  Spike looked at Angelus in confusion and was met with another sneer.  "What in the bloody hell is going on here?  What was that all about?"

Angelus just shook his head.  "Spike, you really are love's bitch.  Just one more question.  What do you think would happen if my soulfull alter ego ever came back to town?  You'll always be second-best, Spike.  Don't you ever forget it."

Before Spike had a chance to respond, Angelus disappeared, and the scene around him began to dissolve.  He closed his eyes momentarily, and when he opened them he was standing in some sort of auditorium.  The curtain was drawn across the stage, and all of the seats were empty.  "Great!" he muttered to himself.  "What in the bleeding hell am I doing here?"

"Spike!"

He turned at the sound of his name and saw Dawn running down the aisle.  She was wearing some sort of weird, old-fashioned dress, and her hair was done up in an intricate style.  Something about that dress looked familiar to Spike, but he just couldn't place it.  Then it came to him; Dawn had on the same dress she'd been wearing that night on the tower.  The night that he'd failed to save her.  The night that Buffy had died.  He swallowed down the pain that came with that memory and tried to figure out what the hell was going on.

"Spike, you're late!" cried Dawn.  "Where have you been?  It's almost time to start."

"Start what, Nibblet?"

"The play, dummy."  She grabbed Spike's arm and started dragging him toward the stage.  "We don't have much time, and you still have to get your costume on."

"What play?"  Spike stopped in his tracks, but Dawn just tugged him forward again.  "Nibblet, I didn't sign on for any play.  I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Stop playing dumb!  I know that you're nervous, but you've been practicing for months, and everything will turn out fine."  She pushed him up a small flight of stairs at the side of the stage.  "Now, go get dressed.  She'll be here soon."

"Who will?" asked Spike as he stepped through a curtained doorway and emerged backstage.

"Buffy!  Who do you think?"  Dawn put her hands on her hips and stared at him curiously.  "That's what all this is about, right?  We're going to make Buffy love you."

Spike began to panic.  "Nibblet, I can't.  I don't know my lines."  Dawn plopped a floppy, feathered hat on his head and shoved a velvet tunic and tights into his hands.  Spike looked down at his costume in dismay.  "I can't let her see me like this!  Dawn, she'll know.  She'll see me."

"I thought that was what you wanted, for her to see you, really see you?  Isn't that what you've always said?"

"No!" cried Spike.  "Not like this!  This isn't me; it's not real.  She'll hate me!"

"She already hates you, Spike.  This is going to make it better, I promise.  It can't get any worse, right?"

"I guess not," mumbled Spike.  He stepped behind a screen and began to change into his costume.  "I guess she can't be any bigger of a bitch than she already is."

"Why do you love her when she's such a bitch to you?" asked Dawn from the other side of the screen.

"What can I say, Little Bit?  Love is blind."

_"If love be blind, love cannot hit the mark."_

"You've been studying, Bit.  Good for you.  I knew you'd get it if you set your mind to it."

"Oh yeah, I know all my lines.  The question is, do you know yours?"

Spike stepped out from behind the screen, fully dressed.  "No, I told you, I don't know my lines.  I'm not ready for this.  I can't do it."

"You have to do it, Spike."  Dawn's voice had a ring of finality.  "It's the only way.  She'll never love you otherwise.  Just play the part you've been given, and you'll do okay."

"I can't.  I don't have any shoes, and I look like a right poofter in these bloody tights!  Please, Nibblet, don't make me do this!"

"Sorry, Spike, time's up.  The curtain is about to rise.  Hurry, take you place."  She reached up and gave him a quick peck on the check.  "Break a leg!"  Dawn gave him a little shove in the direction of the stage.

Spike looked back, ready to argue some more, but Dawn had vanished.  Morosely, he walked to center stage.  The curtain started to rise, and he steeled himself for embarrassment and ridicule.

Before the curtain had completely lifted, the scene shifted again, and Spike found himself in the training room at the Magic Box, sparring with Buffy.  He was immensely relieved to have been spared the horror of his acting debut.  They fought pretty evenly for a while, until Buffy dropped her left shoulder and Spike managed to land a savage blow to her head.

Buffy cried out in pain and clutched her injured head.  "Ow!  You jerk!"

Spike was immediately contrite and went to comfort her.  "I'm sorry, luv.  Did I hurt you?"

"You could never hurt me!" spat Buffy.  "Just don't be so rough, you big bully."

Spike reached out to caress the side of her face.  He really hadn't meant to hurt her, and he just wanted to make it better.

            "_If I profane with my unworthiest hand_

_                 This holy shrine, the gentle sin in this_

_                 My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand_

_                To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss."_

He leaned in to brush his lips softly against hers.  To his delight, Buffy immediately returned the kiss, and they spent several minutes kissing passionately until Buffy broke off to catch her breath.  The stared at each other in wonder, their foreheads touching, while Buffy softly panted.

"Spike," she breathed.

_"Give me my sin again."  _Spike once again crushed his lips to hers, and they were once again caught up in their passion.  Suddenly, he found himself on his back with Buffy straddling him, pressing a stake against his chest.  He stared up at her, eyes wide with fear.  "What are you doing?  What's going on?"

"Time to die, Spike."

"No!  No, you don't want to do this!"  Spike could feel the point of the stake pressing into his skin, and he began to genuinely fear for his life.  "Buffy, come on, luv, we're friends now.  Remember?  I'm not your enemy."

_"Yet I should kill thee with much cherishing."_

"Hey, that's not fair!  You're skipping ahead.  That's not how it's supposed to go.  You're in the wrong act!  Check the script, luv.  You've got it all wrong!"

"Sorry, Spike," sneered Buffy.  "There's been a re-write."  She pressed the stake a little harder and Spike could feel blood welling up.  

Spike was trying to force down his panic, but if the stake went a mere inch further, he'd be dust for sure.  "No, this is not how it ends!  There're four more acts to go.  Don't you know your lines?"

Buffy just laughed.  "Lines?  You want me to recite my lines?  Okay, how does this one grab ya?  _Ancient damnation!  O, most wicked fiend!_"  Those were her last words before she drove the stake home, and Spike exploded into dust.

He cried out as the stake entered his body and woke to find himself back in his crypt.  He was lying in his bed with a picture of Buffy and two empty bottles of Scotch.  He sat up gingerly, wincing at the pain in his head.  It was all just a dream.  "Bloody Hell," he muttered, rubbing his eyes.  It had all seemed so real, and what was with all the Shakespearean crap?  The Nibblet's homework must have really gotten to him.  Great, it looked like he had begun to fancy himself as some sort of tragic hero.  Well, he really wasn't up to analyzing what it all meant.  Hopefully, he'd remember it after he got some more sleep.  Maybe it would give him some insight on the whole Buffy situation.  Sighing loudly, he flopped back down onto the bed.  _"O, I am fortune's fool!"_ he quoted before turning over and going back to sleep.

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	13. The Bills and the Bickering

If Not Wisely

Chapter 13:  The Bills and the Bickering.

Spoilers:  Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.

Rating:  R for swearing and some sexual situations.

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

Feedback:  Would be highly appreciated.  This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing.  Constructive criticism is welcome.

Distribution:  So far, just here.  If anyone wants it, just let me know.

Summary:  Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.

A/N:  Thanks to everyone who left reviews!  It actually made me write this next part faster.  There's a lot of screaming and crying in this chapter, so it might not be the most pleasant to read, but it gets us where we need to go.   Please review and let me know if you like it.  Thanks!

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Buffy awoke the next morning extremely tired and cranky.  She would've loved to bury her head in a pillow and sleep for another five of six hours, but she had to make sure that Dawn got off to school okay.  It really didn't make sense to her why a fifteen year old needed her big sister to wake her up.  When Buffy had been Dawn's age, she'd been out slaying every night almost until dawn, and _she'd_ managed to get herself up for school.  Still, Buffy felt like it was part of her surrogate-mom duties to make sure that Dawn had breakfast everyday and to send her off to school with a smile.  It  helped to alleviate some of the guilt that came from knowing that she really hadn't been much of a mother to her sister.

She managed to get Dawn off to school with a minimum of trouble, but not before Dawn grilled her about patrolling with Spike the night before and managed to con five more dollars worth of lunch money.  Buffy tried to play it as cool as possible where Spike was concerned and handed over the money pretty much as a last-ditch effort to shut  her sister up.  Damn Spike for putting ideas in her head.  He should've just denied the whole thing, then maybe Buffy wouldn't have Harriet the Spy poking around in her sex life.  Speaking of which, it was definitely long past time to put an end to the Spike sex.  If Dawn was already this close to figuring the whole thing out, then the rest of the gang couldn't be that far behind.  

Buffy had been planning on going back to sleep after Dawn left, but the sight of a big stack of unopened bills on the kitchen counter had put a stop to that idea.  The five dollars she'd given to Dawn  had been the last of her cash, and she hadn't so much as glanced at her bills in almost a month now.  The money from Giles was almost gone, and Buffy knew that she was heading into some serious debt.  She really couldn't afford to put it off any longer; the financial situation must be dealt with.  After pouring herself a second cup of coffee, Buffy gathered all the bills, the checkbook and the most recent bank statement.  Sitting down at the island, she began sorting through the mess she'd gotten herself into.

Just when Buffy was deciding the she was probably going to cancel the cable, Willow walked in.  She felt herself involuntarily tense up at the sight of her, but managed to put on a smile.  "Hey, Will," she called cheerfully, at least she hoped it sounded cheerful.  Cheerful was probably the farthest thing from what Buffy was feeling right then.

"Hey, Buffy."  Willow looked a little better than she had the day before, but she was still a far cry from her old self.  She went over and poured herself a cup of coffee and leaned against the counter to drink it.  "Whatcha doin'?"

"Oh," Buffy looked up with a grimace, "I'm just calculating the extent of my debt.  Big fun at the House of Buffy."

"Want me to help?" asked Willow brightly.  "I could, I dunno, maybe do a little spell?  Maybe add a few zeros to that bank balance?"

"Willow, no!"  Buffy couldn't believe that Willow was so casually mentioning magic.  "I thought that…I mean, you said that…no, really, that's not necessary."

Willow laughed.  "Buff, relax, I'm just kidding.  It was a joke.  You know, ha ha?"

"Oh…right."  Buffy gave her friend an embarrassed grin.  "Of course it's a joke.   Not that it isn't a little bit tempting, though.  Say the magic word, and the bills go poof.  If only it were that easy."

Willow frowned.  "How bad is it?  I mean, I thought Giles kinda bailed you out with that whopper of a check?"

"Yeah, well, Giles helped a lot, but most of the money that he gave me is gone already.  I took care of all the really big stuff first, but it used up a large chunk of the money.  And the bills, they just keep a comin'."

"Jeez, Buff, that sucks.  What are you going to do?"

Buffy bristled a bit at Willow's question.  It irked her that she had said "you" instead of "we."  After all, she was living in Buffy's house rent-free.  Willow didn't chip in for utilities, and she rarely ever bought food, or toothpaste or toilet paper.  Still, Buffy didn't feel comfortable calling her on it.  After all, Willow had pretty much given up her own life to move in and take care of Dawn after Buffy had died.  She didn't want to seem ungrateful by asking her friend to pay rent.  Maybe, if Willow realized how bad the situation really was, she might offer to chip in.

"I don't know, Willow," she said with a sigh.  "I don't think I can't stretch Giles' money much further, and Dad's child support payments aren't exactly what you would call regular."

Willow was rooting around in a cabinet looking for something to eat.  She really hoped that Buffy would go grocery shopping soon; there was hardly any food left.  "Why don't you call your dad and ask him for more money?" she asked over her shoulder.

"I probably should, but I'm kinda afraid to.  If he finds out exactly how bad things are, he might try to take Dawn away.  I can't afford to risk it."

"Yeah, well, you can't afford to have the bank foreclose on the house, either."  

Buffy felt her anger rise again.  Couldn't Willow see that she should at least _offer _to help?  How could she expect to keep living there without contributing in any way?  When had her best friend become such a free-loader?  

Try as she might, Buffy couldn't keep the hostility out of her voice when she replied.  "I _know_ that Willow!  I guess I'll just have to take care of it by myself.  I'll get a job, although what kind of job, I have no idea.  It's not like I'm trained for anything.  Except slaying, that is.  It's going to be hard, trying to work and slay.  Someone's going to have to be here to look after Dawn."

"Don't worry, I can look after Dawn.  That's no problem."

Buffy almost laughed at that.  "Thanks, Willow, but I don't know if that's such a good idea.  You're not exactly number one on Dawn's list of favorite people right now."

"Oh."  Willow's face fell.  "She's still mad at me, huh?  I would've thought she'd be over that by now."

"You can't be serious!  Willow, you almost got her killed!  That's not something you get over in a couple of days."

The words were harsh, and they cut Willow to the core.  She had almost killed Dawnie.  God, what was she turning into?  "You're right.  I know, and I'm sorry.  I don't think I can ever be sorry enough.  It's just that I didn't mean for anything to happen to her, I really didn't.  You know that I would never hurt Dawnie on purpose.  I was out of control; I couldn't stop myself.  I just wish that everyone could understand."  Willow was fighting back tears.

Buffy was a little taken aback by the sudden change in Willow's demeanor.  "I am trying to understand.  We all are.  But you're not exactly making it easy by refusing to talk about it, or by getting angry when I try to bring it up.  Willow, you're heading into dangerous territory, and we all just want to help you."

"I'm sorry that I freaked out on you yesterday.  I didn't mean to.  It was almost like I didn't have any control over what I was saying.  Buffy, you don't know how hard this is."  Willow's stopped when her brain finally processed the full extent of Buffy's earlier statement.  "Wait.  What do you mean 'we all?'  Did you tell everyone what happened?"

"Well, yeah.  It's not like we could keep it a secret.  Dawn's got a broken arm, for Christ's sake, they were gonna see it eventually."

"Oh God," wailed Willow.  "They must all hate me!"

"No, you're missing the point.  Nobody hates you.  We all love you, and we want to help you."

"And Tara?  Did you tell Tara, too?"

"Yes, we told Tara.  She needed to know, Will."

"How could you?"  Willow was crying in earnest now.  "Buffy, she'll never forgive me!  I'll never get her back now.  Why are you doing this to me?"

"We just want to help, and Tara will forgive you.  She loves you, and she just wants you to get better.  She was very worried about you last night, everyone was.  No one is mad at you, except maybe Dawn, but she'll get over it."  Buffy got up and walked over to Willow, who was still sobbing uncontrollably.  She reached out to comfort her, but Willow shrugged her off.

"So, what," she spat bitterly, "you're all talking behind my back now?  What, did you call a Scooby meeting or something?  Am I the new big bad?  Are you all afraid of me or something?"

"Willow!" Buffy cried in exasperation.  "You're not listening to me!  No one thinks you're the big bad.  We're not afraid of you, we're _worried_ about you.  Can't you see that?"

"No!" shouted Willow.  "All I see is you guys ganging up on me!  What's next, an intervention?  Have you been checking out Detox centers?  Or do you just think I should join a twelve step program?  Maybe there's a Spell Casters Anonymous."  She gave a bitter laugh.  "Am I on the right track here?"

Buffy found herself slowly backing away from her friend, just waiting for her eyes to go black.  "No, it's not like that.  You've got it all wrong."

"Oh, right, I forgot.  You all _love_ me, and you're all so _worried_ about me.  Right?  Well, I don't need your fucking  help, because I'm just fine."

"You're not fine, and you know it!  Stop being so stubborn and let your friends help you.  You can't do this all on your own."

Willow laughed again.  "Right, because you've got the patent on stubbornness!  Only the almighty Buffy can handle every situation on her own!  Talk about the pot calling the kettle black."

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Buffy.

"Come on!  Ever since you got back, you've totally closed yourself off from the rest of us.  You're so cold and detached, even with Dawn, and you won't talk to anybody.  It's like you don't even want to live anymore!"

That did it.  Buffy snapped.  All of the anger and resentment that she'd been feeling toward Willow came rushing to the surface, and she couldn't hold it back any longer.  "Fuck you, Willow!  You pulled me out of _heaven_!  I was finally at peace; I was finally done, and I was happy, damn it!  But you had to go and ruin it for me, you just had to pull me back into this hell.  You were so selfish, Willow!  You never thought about what was best for me!  You only thought about yourself, and that's all  you ever think about!"

"You bitch!" screamed Willow.  "I thought you were in hell!  I was trying to save you."

"That bullshit, and you know it!  How could I have been in hell?  You saw my body, Willow; you buried it.  Why would my soul go to hell?  How could you even think that?  That was just a convenient excuse that you made up to convince the others to help you.  You weren't trying to save me!  You just wanted me back so that things would be easier for you."  Buffy's face was flushed with anger, and she could feel the tears starting to fall.  "You were wrong.  What you did was wrong!  Why can't you admit that?"

"Oh my God."  Willow's words were barely more than a whisper.  Her knees suddenly felt weak, and she actually began to feel like she might vomit.  Every word that Buffy had said was true.  She had been selfish.  "Buffy, I am so sorry.  I was wrong.  No wonder you hate me so much.  I never should've done it."  She started crying again.  "Will you ever be able to forgive me?  I've done so much damage that I wouldn't blame you if you never did."

"Oh, Willow."  Buffy's anger was gone, and she felt truly awful for what she had said.  She reached out and wrapped her friend in a tight hug.  "I don't hate you, Willow.  I could never hate you.  I'm sorry that I said all that.  It's just hard sometimes, and I feel like I need someone to blame.  It's not your fault; you did what you thought was best."

"No, no, no," sobbed Willow.  "I messed up.  I messed everything up.  How can this be my life?  I don't even know who I am anymore.  This isn't me.  I don't wanna be like this!"

"Shh, it'll be okay."  Buffy hugged her friend even tighter.  "I promise, Willow, it _will_ be okay."  Willow just sobbed even harder.  "You're my best friend, Will.  I love you, and I'm gonna be here for you."

It took several more minutes before Willow's tears came to an end.  When she had finally stopped sobbing, she raised her tear-stained face from Buffy's shoulder.  "I don't deserve you.  Not after what I did.  How can you even stand to look at me?"

"Hey," Buffy's voice was firm, "I don't wanna hear that crap.  You deserve all the love and support that you've got coming, and not just from me, either.  The whole gang.  We'll all be there for you.  Got it?"

"Yeah," sniffed Willow.  She let go of Buffy to grab a paper towel off the counter and blew her nose noisily.  "Thanks," she said with a small smile.

Before Buffy could tell Willow how welcome she was, the doorbell rang.  "I'll get it," said Buffy.  "Why don't you go get cleaned up?  Splash a little water on your face.  You'll feel better."

Willow quickly hurried upstairs, and Buffy went to answer the door.  She could've died when she opened it and saw Tara standing there.  "Tara!  What are you doing here?  Did we have plans or something?"

"Hey, Buffy."  Tara gave her a bright smile.  "No, we didn't have plans.  I just thought that maybe I could have that little talk with Willow.  You know, before she goes to class.  Is this a bad time?"

"Oh, God."  Buffy had totally forgotten that Tara had been planning on talking to Willow that day.  "Uh, you'd better come in."  She moved aside to let Tara pass.

"W-what's the matter?  Did something happen?"  The look of absolute horror on Buffy's face was making Tara decidedly nervous.

"Shh, she's upstairs."  Buffy took Tara's arm and started leading her toward the kitchen.  "Come on, let's go in the kitchen, and I'll tell you all about it.  You want some coffee?"

"No, thanks."  Tara walked into the kitchen and sat down at the island, waiting for the worst.  "What is it?  Tell me."

Buffy sighed and went to get herself a fresh cup of coffee.  "Don't worry, it's not that bad.  Willow and I had a big fight is all.  Tara, I am so worried about her.  She's really messed."

"What did you fight about?"

"It's more like, what didn't we fight about.  Everything."  Buffy sat down next to Tara and gave a quick replay of her argument with Willow.  Tara gasped when she got to the part about her resurrection.  "I know, I was totally out of line.  I never should have said it, especially  not now."

"Buffy, I had no idea you felt that way.  I am so sorry we did that to you.  You have every right to be angry."  Tara looked like she was about to cry.

"No, Tara, that isn't the point here.  Really, it isn't even that bad anymore.  I was just upset and let my emotions get the better of me.  I'm supposed to be trying to help Willow, and instead I lay all my crap on her.  It wasn't fair."

Tara gave Buffy's shoulder a comforting squeeze.  "Still, it's understandable.  So, how did she react?"

"She totally fell apart.  It was awful.  You should've seen her."  Buffy winced at the memory.  "She totally hates herself, and she's afraid that rest of us are going to hate her as well."

"I know it sounds bad, and I'm sure it was, but maybe it could end up being a good thing."  Off Buffy's look of confusion, Tara continued.  "Look, if it's gotten to the point where Willow hates herself that much, then maybe that will be a catalyst for change."

"You have a point.  It's kinda like she hit rock bottom.  There's nowhere to go but up."

"Right."  Tara smiled.  "Maybe I should try to talk to her now."

"I dunno.  She's really upset right now.  She might not want to listen to you."

"Yeah, she might not, but she might not be feeling strong enough to fight back either," reasoned Tara.  "If her spirit is really that broken, then maybe she'll have no choice but to listen."

"Well, I guess that logic is as good as any."  Buffy gave a rueful laugh.  "I obviously have no clue how to deal with her.  Maybe you'll have better luck.  I'll go call her."

Buffy went to the foot of the stairs and called up to Willow.  "Willow, Tara's here to see  you!  Do you wanna come down, or should I send  her up?"  There was no answer.  "Willow!" Buffy called again.  Still no answer.  Shaking her head, Buffy went upstairs.  The door to Willow's room was closed, so Buffy knocked quietly.  "Will, Tara's downstairs.  You wanna talk to her?"  Willow still did not answer, so Buffy knocked again.  "Come on, Will,  I think you should talk to her.  It might be good for you.   She's not mad."  Buffy tried the doorknob, but it would not turn.  "Willow!  Open up, you're scaring me!  Will?"

Tara heard Buffy calling to Willow and decided to go and see what was happening.  "Buffy?  What's going on?"

"She won't come out, Tara.  She won't even answer me.  The door won't open, and I'm starting to get worried."

"Let me try."  Tara walked up and leaned her ear against the door.  "Willow, it's me, baby.  I came to see how you're doing.  Will you please let me in?"

"Go away!" screamed Willow from inside her bedroom.

"Will, I just want to see you and make sure you're okay," pleaded Tara.

"Go away!  I don't want you to see me like this!"

"Just let me in."  Tara tried the doorknob, and it still wouldn't budge.  She turned to Buffy.  "The door won't open."

"Should I force it?" asked Buffy.

"No, wait."  Tara placed her palm against the door and concentrated for a moment.  "Buffy," she whispered, "she put up a barrier spell."

"Oh my God."  Buffy's face immediately drained of color.  "Magic?  She promised no more magic.  Can you get it down?"

Tara shook her head.  "Maybe, but I'm not going to try."

"What?  Tara, we have to do something!  Who knows what she's doing in there?  What if she hurts herself?"

"There's nothing we can do.  Willow's stronger than me, and I don't use dark magic.  Anything I can come up with, she'll just have a counter.  Besides, if I start using magic to make her talk to me, then I'll be just as bad as she is."

"Okay, that makes sense," said Buffy.  "But what should I do?"

Tara sighed.  "I'll just leave.  Maybe if I'm gone, then she'll calm down.  You were right.  It's too soon to talk to her."

Buffy gave Tara a hug. The poor girl looked so defeated.  "I'm sorry.  I really wish it had worked.  Thanks for trying.  Maybe tomorrow or the next day, we can try again."

"Maybe."  Tara lower lip was trembling as she walked back down the stairs.  At the door, she turned to face Buffy.  "I'm sorry.  I just made it worse."

"Hey, remember what Spike said?  Placing blame doesn't solve anything."  She gave Tara a determined look.  "We'll come up with something.  She probably just needs more time."

"I hope you're right," said Tara sadly as she walked out the door.

Buffy closed the door behind her and leaned against it heavily.  "I hope so too."


	14. The Bronze

If Not Wisely

Chapter 14:  The Bronze

Spoilers:  Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.

Rating:  R for swearing and some sexual situations.

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

Feedback:  Would be highly appreciated.  This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing.  Constructive criticism is welcome.

Distribution:  So far, just here.  If anyone wants it, just let me know.

Summary:  Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.

A/N:  Hot of the presses, a little Spike and Xander bonding for ya!  I'm going to be out of town this weekend, so no new stuff for a couple of days.  Hopefully, this will tide you over.  Please review and let me know if you like it.  If you absolutely hate it, let me know why.  Thanks!

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The bartender at the Bronze set a pint of Bass and a shot of Jack Daniels on the bar in front of Spike.  "Thanks, mate."  The bartender just nodded and took a couple of bills off the stack left over from the previous three rounds.  Spike eyed his remaining money warily.  There wasn't much left, so it looked like he might have to hustle some pool if he wanted to keep his drink on.  With a sigh, he picked up the shot and downed it in a single gulp.  He took a cigarette from his pack and grimaced when he noticed that they were almost gone.  Would nothing go right for him?

Spike had woken up in a foul mood that afternoon, and with one hell of a hangover.  He'd cursed the Slayer for driving him to drink.  Not that Spike really needed anyone to drive him to drink, but it made him feel better to blame it on her.  To make matters worse, he'd spent the whole day obsessing over the strange dream he'd had.  He'd actually dug out his old and battered copy of _The Collected Works of William Shakespeare_ and reread all of _Romeo and Juliet _looking for insight.  Rather than gaining any insight into his crazy dream, he had only ended up crying over the doomed lovers.  This had only served to intensify his worries that he and Buffy would never be happy together.  Hence, the drinking.  Spike didn't think he could stand another night of heavy brooding, so he'd just decided to get completely pissed.

When Dawn had shown up after school, Spike hadn't much been in the mood for company.  He was tempted to cancel their tutoring session, but he hated to let the Bit down.  So, he'd bravely withstood her interrogation regarding the events of the previous night, helped her get through all of Act II, and watched her devour the remaining Fritos.  For such a skinny little thing, that girl sure could eat.  Dawn had been immensely disappointed not to get any dirt from Spike, and he had been pretty darn proud of himself for managing to keep last night's shagging a secret.  He could also tell that his straight-to-business attitude had left Dawn feeling slightly hurt, but he didn't think he could handle hanging out with Bitty Buffy for one second longer than necessary.  She reminded him so much of her sister, and that was just a bit too much for him in his current frame of mind.  In the end, he'd felt bad for being so short with her and had ended up promising to rent the movie so that they could watch it together when she'd finished reading the play.  That had made her feel a little better.

Spike tried to push all thoughts of the Summers women out of his head as he took a sip of his beer.  He enjoyed the English ale well enough, but he would've preferred something with a bit more bite. A Boddington's, perhaps, but that was just a bit too exotic for Sunnydale tastes.  Really, he should be counting his blessings that he'd managed to get a Bass in the first place.  Spike decided just to drink the beer and be grateful, for it seemed that his blessings were few and far between these days.  He was about halfway through his pint when he heard a familiar voice next to him ordering a Miller Lite.  Great, just what he needed.  "So, Monkeyboy, does it really taste great, or is it just less filling?"

Xander got his change from the bartender and turned to glare at Spike.  "Just when I thought my night couldn't get any better,"  he said sarcastically.  "What are you doing here, Spike?"

"What's it look like, Special Ed?  I'm having a pint.  Don't see what business it is of yours."

Xander sat down on the stool next to Spike's.  "Aren't there some demon bars you should be patronizing?"

"Yeah right," snorted Spike.  "Haven't exactly been welcome in the demon establishments since I became a bloody Scooby."

"Spike, you are _not_ a Scooby."

"Well you might not think so, but the rest of Sunnydale's demon population sure seems to."  Spike ground out his cigarette and blew the smoke in Xander's face.  "From where I stand, that's all that really matters."

"Yeah, 'cause it would really suck if you got wailed on by a bunch of angry demons," sniped Xander between coughs.  "What if someone actually managed to kill you?  I'd die of heartbreak."

"You're in a foul mood tonight.  What the matter?  Your little demon chit decide to stop putting out?"

"_Ex_-demon," clarified Xander.  "And her name is Anya."

"Right, 'cause that little Ex makes up for the millennium of maiming and torture," muttered Spike under his breath.  "So, that's it, then?  Not getting any?"

"Shut up, Spike.  You're the last person I want to discuss my relationship troubles with."  

"Ah, so you admit that you're having relationship troubles!"

"What?  Nah unh!  I didn't admit anything."

"Yes, you did," countered Spike.  "You said that I was—"

"Spike!  Just shut up, okay.  I'm really not in the mood."  Xander would rather eat glass than admit to Spike that he and Anya had just had a huge fight.  Never mind the fact that Spike was exactly what they'd fought about.

"Well, excuse me for trying to make conversation!"  Spike drained the last of his beer and sat the glass down with a loud thunk.  "Barkeep!  Another round!"  

Xander watched the bartender give Spike a wary look before going to fill another pint.   When he saw that the beer was accompanied by a shot of Jack Daniels, his curiosity was piqued.  "What's with you?" he asked.

Spike lifted his shot and slammed it down.  Wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his duster, he turned to look at Xander.  "What do you mean?"

"I mean, is there a reason why you're drinking yourself into a stupor?"

"What, I need a reason now?"  Xander gave him a look, and Spike decided to go with the truth.  Well, a carefully edited version of the truth, anyway.  "Same reason as you, I suppose."

Xander raised an eyebrow.  "And what reason would that be?"

"Woman trouble, mate.  Like there's ever any other kind."

Xander almost choked on his beer.  "What?" he sputtered.  "_You_ have a girlfriend?  Oh God, don't tell me that Harmony took you back?  'Cause that's pathetic, even for her."

"No!" snapped Spike.  "It's not Harmony.  I'd take a hundred years of Dru's insanity over ten minutes of Harm's brainless prattle any day.  I couldn't stand that silly bint."

"Well, I guess that's one thing that we agree on, then.  Harmony was vapid and shallow when she was alive, and I can't imagine that being undead has made it any better."  The two men shared a brief smile.  "So, who is it?  And don't you dare say that looney-toon Drusilla is back in town!"

"What is this, twenty bloody questions?  No, it's not Dru, and it's none of your damn business!"

"Hey, you opened this can of worms.  No need to get so touchy."  Xander finished off his beer and ordered another.

"Yeah, well, now I'm closing it!"

"Fine by me!  Like I really care what psycho is crazy enough to date you!"

They sat in silence for a while, each working on their beers and thinking about the own problems.  Spike had smoked another two cigarettes and had almost finished his beer before Xander spoke again.

"Spike, you're evil, right?"

"Bloody well right I am!"  At least that's what Buffy kept telling him.

"And, you've been around for a long time."

"Yeah, 121 years and counting."

"So, it's fair to say that you've seen a lot of evil in your time?"

"Where exactly are you going with this?"  Spike was getting annoyed with the Whelp's stupid questions.  Couldn't a bloke just drink in peace?

Xander was a little afraid to ask the question that had been plaguing him for the past day, but he figured that Spike was probably the best person to ask.  "Um, I was just wondering…" he trailed off, unsure of how to phrase it.

"Bloody Hell, spit it out already!"  

"Do you think that Anya's evil?"

It was Spike's turn to choke on his beer.  "Are you daft?  What kind of question is that?"

Feeling pretty stupid for even asking, Xander tried to clarify.  "Well, it's just that she was a vengeance demon for like 1120 years or something.  She did a lot of horrible things.  I know, 'cause she's told me all about them."

"Of course she did a lot of horrible things.  She was a vengeance demon; that's what they do.  I've met a few in my time, and let me tell ya, not exactly pleasant to be around.  I'm not really seein' the point, here."

"I've just been thinking about it a lot lately.  Look, the only reason she's human now is because she lost her powers.  The only reason she lost her powers is because she screwed up a wish and her boss was punishing her.  I mean, it's not like she suddenly realized that was she was doing was wrong and decided to give up the whole evil thing, ya know?  She even tried to get her powers back once, but it didn't work."

Xander paused and took a sip of his beer.  Spike was looking at him curiously, but said nothing.  Xander had been tormenting himself about this issue ever since his conversation with Buffy.  He'd even brought it up to Anya, hoping that she would shoot down Buffy's theory and somehow prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was wholly and completely good.  To his utter dismay, Anya had agreed with everything   
Buffy had said.  She'd even gone so far as to point out all the ways that she and Spike were alike.  Of course, Xander had argued with her, and Anya had accused him of Anti-Demonism.  From there, it had turned into a shouting match with Xander pointing out all the bad things about Spike, and Anya listing off all the good things he'd done.  Before he'd stormed out to go to the Bronze, Anya had screamed that if that's the way he really felt about demons, then it just proved that he really didn't love her at all.

He pulled himself from his thoughts to tell Spike the one thing that he most hated to admit.  "I guess what I'm saying is that Anya really isn't all that different from you.  You know, with the chip and all."

Spike looked thoughtful.  "Hmm, I guess  you got a point there.  What of it?"

"Well, if you're so evil, then doesn't that make Anya evil, too?"

Spike sighed and drained the rest of his beer before answering.  Bloody humans and their need to have everything black and white.  "Harris, you're a stupid git.  Since you've been together, have you ever seen Anya do anything even remotely evil?"

"No, but that's only because her powers got taken away."

"She doesn't need super powers to be evil, you ninny!  Did Hitler have super powers?  Did Stalin?  What about that Bin Laden fellow?  He got any powers I don't know about?  Anyone can be evil, not just demons.  Not all demons are even evil, for that matter.  The point is, if Anya wanted to be evil, she wouldn't need super powers to pull it off."  Spike was beyond exasperated.  Why were humans so narrow-minded?

Xander was starting to get it.  Maybe Anya wasn't evil after all.  "You know, that actually makes sense.  But what about all that stuff she did before?  I am just supposed to pretend like it never happened?  She doesn't even feel bad about any of it."

By this point, Spike was really wishing for another beer.  He started to call the bartender over again, when he noticed that he was out of money.  "Harris, if you're gonna keep bending my ear all night with this evil nonsense, then at least be a mate and buy a bloke a pint."

Xander grimaced, but he flagged the bartender down to order a beer for Spike and another one for himself.

When Spike had the new beer in front of him, he continued.  "The way I see it, all that matters is how she is now.  Why should you care that she made some poor bugger's willy fall off centuries before you were born?  I'll tell you what I told the Nibblet when she was all upset about this Key business; it doesn't matter how you start out."  He took a big gulp of his fresh beer and waited for Xander's reaction.

Xander was floored.  He'd never thought that he'd get the best advice of his life from Spike, of all people.  "Wow.  That was a pretty convincing argument, Spike.  You'd have made one hell of a lawyer.  Thanks, you've really helped me out."

Spike would've loved to come back with some kind of sarcastic reply, but it wasn't often that he was thanked by any of the Scooby gang, so he decided just to accept it for what it was worth.  "No problem.  And another thing.  You've got a good woman at home who loves you—although for the life of me I can't figure out why—don't go looking for reasons to screw it up.  Just love her with all you've got and let her love you in return.  Life's too bloody short."

It surprised Xander to see Spike being so mushy, but he decided that now would not be the best time to pick on Spike, not after he'd helped him out so much.  "I'll try to remember that."  He sipped his beer in silence for a while when, suddenly, a thought came to mind.  "Spike, you've really helped us out over the past year or so.  I don't know what we would've done without you last summer."

Spike raised an eyebrow at him.  "And?"

"And, I don't think any of us really ever bothered to thank you."

"I wasn't expecting to be thanked," said Spike.  "That's not why I did it."

"Why did you do it?" asked Xander.

Spike didn't like the direction this conversation was moving in.  He didn't exactly fancy pouring his heart out to Xander Harris.  "I promised Buffy, that's all."

"Yeah, but Buffy was dead."

"I know that, you nit!"  Spike hated to talk about Buffy's death.  It was just too painful.

"Well, she wasn't exactly around to see it, being dead and all.  So, what was in it for you?"

Spike fixed him with a hard stare.  "I wanted to honor her memory.  And, I never break a promise to a lady.  Never."

For the first time, Xander began to realize that maybe  Spike did actually love Buffy; that it wasn't just some little obsession after all.  He started to feel a little bad for being so mean to the guy.  "I guess when she came back, we kinda cut you out, huh?"

"You could say that."  Spike's voice was full of bitterness.  It had really bothered him that he'd gone back to persona-non-grata with the Scoobies after Buffy had come back.  After all he had done for them.

"Spike, would you still wanna help us out sometimes?"

"You know I'd help if it's needed.  I'd do anything to keep Buffy and Dawn safe."

"But, you're still evil, right?"

"Right."  Spike couldn't help but smile.

"So, how come you're not there hiring the Order of Taraka to kill the Slayer?  Or trying to open the Hellmouth?  Or starting up the Vampire Mafia?  How come you're not doing any of that, Spike?  I mean, if you're so evil and all."

"Sod off!"  Spike tried to sound menacing, but his heart just wasn't in it.  "Yeah, I'm a sorry excuse for a vampire.  No need to rub my face in it!  Maybe I just don't feel like doin' anything evil right now."

"Maybe," said Xander, "you're really  not all that evil anymore."

Spike snorted.  "Mind tellin' that to the Slayer?  Maybe if she decided that I wasn't evil, she might stop using my face as a punching bag."

"Buffy?  Oh, I think she may have already come to that decision."  Spike looked at him in confusion.  "Hey, she's the one who put all these stupid ideas in my head in the first place."

"How's that?"  Spike was intrigued.  

"She pointed out how much you and Anya are alike."

"Really?"

"Yep."  Xander drained his beer and stood up.  "Well, I'm gonna go home, apologize my ass off, and hopefully have some really good make-up sex."

Spike laughed.  "Good luck with that."

"Listen, Spike, I know that we're not exactly what you would call friends, but you've really helped me out tonight.  I appreciate it.  I'm sorry if I've been a little rough on you in the past."

"No worries, mate.  Bickering with you is one of the high points in my otherwise bleak existence.  Wouldn't do to have you being all nice to me now, would it?"  Spike tried to hide that fact that Xander's words had actually touched him.

Xander chuckled.  "You're right about that.  See ya later, Spike."  He turned to go, but at the last moment reached for his wallet.  He took out a twenty and laid it on the bar in front of Spike.  "Here, the rest of your drunken stupor will be on me."  Spike looked surprised.  "Hey, it's the least I can do.  I'm gonna get laid tonight because of you."

"Thanks."  It was all that Spike was capable of saying.  He didn't trust himself to expand on it, lest he start blubbering like a baby.

"Don't mention it."  Xander walked away and left Spike staring into his beer.

After Xander left, Spike spent several minutes reflecting on their conversation.  Never in a million years had he thought that he'd actually have a civil conversation with Xander Harris.  It was amazing really, how they'd almost been friendly to each other.  Out of all of them, Xander had always been the most vocal about his hatred for Spike.  He actually felt pretty good for helping the poor guy out, and maybe just a little jealous that Xander had something that he never would.  The love of the woman he cared about.  Although, he had mentioned that Buffy had been saying how much Anya and Spike were alike.  Maybe Buffy was coming around on the whole evil thing.  Spike hated to get his hopes up after they'd been smashed so many times, but it did look pretty good.  If he could just continue to stay on the straight and narrow, then maybe Buffy would have to admit that he wasn't evil after all.  He smiled to himself.  Things were looking up.  It couldn't hurt that Xander didn't seem hate him anymore.  If Buffy realized that her friends liked him, even a little, then she might not be so opposed to being with him.

Spike was about to order himself another beer with Xander's twenty when he heard the scream.  The music was loud in the club, and he only managed to catch it because of his enhanced hearing.  Quickly, he scanned the room for any sign of trouble.  In the far corner, back by the restrooms and the pay phone, he spotted a vampire.  He had some girl pinned against the wall, and it looked like he was getting ready to take a bite.  Spike wavered for a moment.  Should he do something?  It's not like anyone was there to witness his good deed.  If he did intervene, it's not like he'd get any credit.  Still, it was the right thing to do.  It was what Buffy would do.

He hurriedly stuffed the twenty into his duster pocket and pulled out a stake.  In a flash, he was across the room and right behind the vampire.  The guy was so busy trying to get his midnight snack, that he didn't even notice Spike coming up behind him.  He was dust before he could even turn around.  The girl, his dinner, took off running out the back exit without so much as a thank you.  Spike chuckled to himself.  "Not in it for the thanks, mate."  Still smiling, he decided that it was time to leave.  He really wasn't in need of a drunken stupor anymore.  He gave a quick look around to make sure that no one had noticed the vampire dusting in the middle of the Bronze before heading out, whistling a cheery tune.

Unbeknownst to Spike, there was someone who'd see the whole thing go down.  Xander had decided to stop by the restroom on his way out; those three beers had gone right through him.  He was finished with his business just in time to see Spike stake the vampire.  To say that he was astounded, would be putting it mildly.  Spike had just saved a girl without being paid and without expecting and credit.  That alone went against everything that Xander knew about vampires.  Coupled with their conversation from earlier, it shed a whole new light of the subject.  He decided that he should probably mention it to Buffy.   Slowly, Xander made his way toward the exit, amazed by this new twist in a night that had already been full of them.  


	15. The Kitchen part 1

If Not Wisely

Chapter 15:  The Kitchen part 1

Spoilers:  Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.

Rating:  R for swearing and some sexual situations.

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

Feedback:  Would be highly appreciated.  This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing.  Constructive criticism is welcome.

Distribution:  So far, just here.  If anyone wants it, just let me know.

Summary:  Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.

A/N:  Here's the new chapter!  Sorry it took so long.  Thanks for all the feedback.  Keep it coming; it gives me warm fuzzies!  Please review and let me know if you like it.  If you absolutely hate it, let me know why.  Thanks!

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Dawn was not out the door for school five minutes, before a smoking blanket barreled its way into the Summers' kitchen.   Buffy looked up from the breakfast dishes she was washing with a grimace.  Spike had thrown the blanket down on the floor, and was busy stomping out the smoldering parts.  

"Mornin', luv," said Spike, once he'd successfully put an end to the smoking.

"Spike, what are you doing here?"

Spike put on a mock hurt look.  "Why, Slayer, you wound me.  No, good morning?  No, how are you, Spike?"

Buffy gave a heavy sigh and turned off the running water.  "Good morning, Spike.  How are you today?" she said in a mockingly cheerful voice.

Spike smirked at her.  "Well, I'm dreaming in iambic pentameter and having heart-to-hearts with the Whelp.  Other than that, I'm just peachy, ducks.  Thanks for asking."

Buffy just stared at him.  He was dressed in his usual duster and black jeans, but he was wearing some sort of clingy, gray shirt that she'd never seen before.  She was seriously liking the way he looked in that shirt.  Her eyes glazed over for a minute as she remembered their last night together.  The way he'd made her feel, well, it'd been unbelievable.  It took every ounce of Buffy's concentration not to drool at the sight of him.

"Slayer?"  

Spike was looking at her quizzically, and Buffy quickly shook her head to clear her thoughts.  "What was that?  Something about ambling pentagrams?"

He laughed at that.  "I swear, they must not teach you _anything_ in those bloody American schools.  I thought you went to University, luv?"

Buffy was definitely lost in this conversation.  "Univ—oh, college.  Yeah, I went to college.  Well, for a little while anyways.  What does that have to do with pentagrams?"

Spike laughed again.  "Not pentagrams, luv, _iambic pentameter_.  It's a type of verse written in five metrical feet in which an unstressed syllable is followed by—you know what?  Never mind, it doesn't matter."

Buffy threw her hands up in frustration.  "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about!  Why don't we just get back to my original question?  _What _are  you doing here?"

Spike shrugged out of his duster and draped it over one of the stools at the island.  "Just wanted to see how you're doing, is all."  He walked around the island and stood just a few feet in front of Buffy, shoving his hands in the back pockets of his jeans.

She swallowed hard and tried not to stare at the way Spike's new gray shirt stretched across his perfectly muscled chest.  "Spike, it's 7:30 in the morning.  The sun is out.  You just decided to risk spontaneous combustion to walk over here in broad daylight and see how I'm _doing_?"

He smiled and moved closer to her.  "Well, you left in such a hurry the other night.  I just wanted to make sure that you're okay."  He reached out and grabbed a lock of her hair, twirling it almost absently.  "You know, with everything that happened."

Spike was definitely invading her personal space, and Buffy hated the way it made her feel.  One part of her wanted to grab onto him and never let go.  The other part--the rational, Slayer part—wanted to run screaming in the opposite direction.  She stared at his chest for a moment, avoiding his eyes, until the rational part finally won out.  She slapped his hand away in irritation.  "Stop that."  

Spike bit back a caustic reply and let the offending hand fall to his side.  He was in such a good mood that he hated to throw it all away by getting into yet another bickering match with Buffy.  "So?" he asked with a sexy grin.

"So what?" snapped Buffy.   He was still standing alarmingly close to her, and she was fighting the urge to push past him and get the hell out of there.

"So,  how are you?"

Now, Buffy did push past him.  She stomped around to the other side of the island and turned to glare at him.  "I told you that I don't want to talk about it!  It was a mistake, and you know that.  Why the hell do you even care how I'm doing, anyway?  You got what you wanted."  She raised her chin in a defiant challenge.  Nobody makes Buffy Summers talk when she doesn't want to.

Spike frowned.  He'd expected some resistance, but this reaction was a little over the top, even for her.  "Luv, what's wrong?"

"What's wrong?"  Buffy was practically screaming now.  "I just fucking told you what's wrong!  I don't wanna talk about what happened.  We.  Had.  Sex.  That's all!  It doesn't mean that I'm in love with you; it doesn't mean anything."  She looked at him levelly, hoping that she could just get him mad enough to leave.  Maybe if he left, then the torrent of emotions raging inside of her would go away as well.

Spike refused to rise to her bait.  In fact, he remained amazingly calm in the face of her anger.  "No," he said quietly, "that's not it.  Something else is bothering you.  Why don't you just get if off your chest?  You'll feel better, luv."

Buffy felt her lower lip begin to tremble.  As usual, Spike saw right through her.  It was both his best and most infuriating quality.  She could never pretend with him; he never let her.  Defeated, she crumpled onto a stool.  Suddenly, she felt incredibly weary.  She just didn't have the strength.  "Spike," it came out almost as a sigh.

Spike crossed the kitchen and took the stool next to Buffy's.  He grabbed her hand and gently turned her to face him.  "You know I'm always here for you, luv.  If there's some kind of problem, just tell me.  Who knows, maybe I can even help fix it?"  She gave him a weak smile.  "Now, what's wrong?"

Buffy sighed, heavily this time, but she did not pull her hand from his.  "What's not wrong, Spike?  Everything is going to shit, and I don't know what to do about it."

"Tell me," he gently probed her to continue.

"I wouldn't even know where to start."

"At the beginning."

"All right, but you asked for it."  Buffy gave him another small smile.  "First of all, I am almost totally broke.  Dad hasn't sent a support check in months, and I have absolutely  no source of income.  The bills, on the other hand, just keep rolling in.  I don't think I'm going to be able to pay the mortgage this month."

Spike looked almost relieved.  "That's it?  That's the big problem?  Money?"

Buffy scowled at him.  "Yeah, Spike, that's the problem.  Money.  As in, I have none."

He gave her a rakish grin.  "Luv, I can get you money.  That's no problem.  I can take care of you and the Little Bit."  He gave her hand a gentle squeeze.  "Let me help you."

Buffy roughly snatched her hand from his.  "And just where the hell are _you_ going to get money?"

"There are ways…"

"Like what?  Stealing?"  She fixed him with a hard stare, and he did look a little guilty.  "No, forget it!  I'm not going to have you out stealing to support me!"

"But, luv—"

"No!  Don't even think about it!" Spike looked like he might try to plead his case some more, but Buffy cut him off.  "Besides, I wouldn't accept any money from you anyway.  It's not your job to take care of me.  I'm a big girl, and I can take care of myself—and Dawn."  She raised her chin at him again and tried to look more confident than she felt.  In reality, Buffy had no idea how she was going to do it.

For some reason, Buffy's determined act just made Spike feel even more saddened for her.  "Buffy," he tried to reach out for her hand again, but she pulled it away, "I love  you.  I _want_ to take care of you, and the Little Bit, too.  If a little robbery's out of the question, fine, I'll find another way.  I can…get a job, or something.  Maybe we could bully Willy into giving me a job, or maybe I could work at that other demon joint, the one where I play cards.  Just let me help you." His eyes were pleading with her.

Buffy turned to look at him, and the love that she saw in his eyes made her throat constrict.  It would be so easy just to let him take care of her, just to heap all of her problems onto him and wait for them to go away.  It would almost be like having Giles back again.  No, she couldn't do that.  She'd learned her lesson with Giles, and it was time she learned to stand on her own.  She was an adult now, and she had to stop running away from her problems and letting someone else take care of them.  Buffy knew that Spike would gladly shoulder all of her burdens if she let him, but it still surprised her that he'd actually offered to get a job.  She was once again hit by the startling reality of how much he really loved her and her sister.

"Spike…"  She lifted her hand to the side of his face and saw his eyes light up at the contact.  She never ceased to be amazed at how he could continue to love her so much after the way she'd treated him.  She gave him a heartfelt smile.  "You are so sweet.  That was probably the nicest thing anyone has ever offered to do for me.  Don't think I don't appreciate it, but I have to do this on my own."  She saw his face fall at this.  "I know that you want to help, and, believe me, I'm really tempted to let you, but I can't.  It's time I learned to stand on my own.  I've been letting everyone else take care of my problems for me, and I can't do that anymore.  It's time for me to grow up."

Spike leaned into her hand, which she still had not moved from his cheek.  "But, luv, what will you do?"

Buffy gave a little laugh, but there was no humor in it.  "I'll do what everyone does, I guess.  I'll get a job, and I'll pay the bills and put food on the table."  She stopped for a moment, lost in thought.  Her hand fell from his face, and Spike sighed at the loss of contact.  "I'll take care of Dawn.  I haven't been doing so hot in that department, but I'll do better.  I have to take better care of her.  I need to be here for her…like Mom used to be."

 He put a hand on her leg and was glad to see that she did not shrink from his touch.  "Hey, you're a good mum to the Nibblet.  She knows how much you love her."

"I know."  Buffy sighed.  "But, it's not enough.  She needs more than just a sister who loves her; she needs a parent."

"I can help.  You know how much I love Dawn."

Buffy smiled at him again.  "I know you do, and she loves you too.  Maybe you could look after her sometimes?  You know, when I'm at work or out slaying."

"You know I will."  He smiled back, and, before he could stop himself, stood up to pull her into a hug.  Spike was delighted when she melted into his embrace.  "I love you, Buffy," he whispered into her hair.  "I'll help you any way you let me.  You'll get through this; I promise."

"Thanks, Spike."  Buffy wrapped her arms more tightly around his neck.  "Thank you."  They stayed that way for a while, until it became too much for Buffy.  She felt herself getting dangerously close to loving him, and she just wasn't ready.  "Okay," she said brightly, pulling from his arms and returning to her stool.  "Time to find me a job.  Where do you think I should work?"

Spike returned to his seat, as well.  "Dunno, luv.  What are you fit for?"

"Not much," said Buffy dryly.  "Hey, I could always work at The Doublemeat Palace.  They'll hire anyone.  Last time I was there, they had mentally challenged adults working the counter, so I'm sure I could get them to hire me."

"Over my dead body!"  Spike caught the sardonic look that Buffy shot his way and gave her a rueful smile.  "You know what I mean.  No bloody way in hell are you are working in that place."

"Why not?  It's just as good a job as any!"

"Luv, have you seen the people that work there?  They're like bloody zombies!  That place will suck the life right outa ya.  No, think of something else."  He thought for a moment.  "What about the shop?  I'm sure that the demon chit," he stopped suddenly and shook his head, "Anya, I mean.  I'm sure that she'd hire you back."

"Uh, unh."  Buffy grimaced.  "I was ready to kill myself after just one day in that place.  I'm just not cut out for retail."

"Okay then, let's focus on what you are cut out for."  Again, he paused and thought for a minute.  "Well, you're a hell of a fighter.  Maybe you could make some money off that."

"How?  Like become a professional wrestler or something?"  She wrinkled her nose in distaste.

Spike laughed.  "Yeah, you've got the perfect stage name and everything.  Buffy "The Slayer" Summers!  That's not what I meant, though.  Maybe you could teach self-defense courses or something?"

Buffy's face brightened.  "Hey, that's not a bad idea!  If people saw me fight, then they'd definitely wanna take classes from me.  Plus, it would be doing a good service, helping people protect themselves."  She paused, and a frown crossed her face.  "Although, it would take quite a while to build up a business.  I need money now.  I can't wait around until I get enough clients.  No, it's gonna have to be something faster."

"Well, if it's quick money you're after, then I might have an idea."  He gave her a sexy grin.  "The Fish Tank's always looking for new girls."

"What?  That sleazy strip club down by the docks?"

"Yeah.  You'd clean up.  Girl like you in a place like that, you'd be rolling in money."

Buffy swatted him in the shoulder.  "Hey!  I'm not going to be a stripper!"  Spike was still leering at her, and it made her crazy.  She raised her eyebrows at him suspiciously.  "How do you even know about that place anyway?"

Spike looked away and cleared his throat nervously.  "Um, you know, I hear things…"

"Uh huh."  She smiled at him teasingly.  "So, it's not like  you've ever been there, or anything?"

"Um, no."  He was still avoiding her eyes.  "Nope, can't say that I have.  Not my kind of place, to tell the truth."  He returned his eyes to hers and gave her another sexy grin.  "But if you were workin' there, I might make an exception."

"Pervert!"  Buffy playfully swatted him again.  Her mood had definitely improved, and she had Spike to thank for it.  "Sorry, Blondie, but that fantasy's just gonna have to go unfulfilled.  No way am I parading around naked in front of a bunch of disgusting drunks!"

Spike chuckled.  "Well, it was worth a shot."

Buffy gave him another smile.  "Back to the drawing board."

They sat in a companionable silence for a while.  Spike was really enjoying just being with her, without all the fighting and arguing.  "Hey," he'd suddenly had a thought.  "What about Red?  Can't she pay for room and board or something?"

Buffy's face darkened, and she turned to him with troubled eyes.  "Willow went to stay at her mom and dad's.  I don't know if she's coming back."

**A/N**:  Sorry for the cliffhanger.  I know how much they suck, but I had to stop writing and I wanted to get this posted before you guys forgot about me!  I promise to finish the kitchen scene in the next day or so.  Thanks for reading!


	16. The Kitchen part 2

If Not Wisely

Chapter 16:  The Kitchen part 2

Spoilers:  Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.

Rating:  R for swearing and some sexual situations.

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

Feedback:  Would be highly appreciated.  This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing.  Constructive criticism is welcome.

Distribution:  So far, just here.  If anyone wants it, just let me know.

Summary:  Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.

A/N:  Here's the second part of The Kitchen.  I know that it's much later than promised.  Blame it on the Oscars and an uncontrollable urge to go out drinking.  Please review and let me know if you like it.  If you absolutely hate it, let me know why.  Thanks!

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Buffy's face darkened, and she turned to him with troubled eyes.  "Willow went to stay at her mom and dad's.  I don't know if she's coming back."

"Really?"  Spike was surprised by this new development.  "What happened, luv?  You two have another row?"

"A row?"  Buffy gave another short, mirthless laugh.  "I guess you could call it that, but it would be, like, the biggest understatement ever.  No, it was more like a knock-down, drag-out, screaming match."  She put her elbows on the counter in front of her and dropped her head into her hands with a sigh.  "I think I really screwed up this time."

"Do you want to tell me about it?"  Spike's face was serious, and he could sense the gravity of the situation.

She turned to look at him from behind her hands.  "Yeah, actually."  She gave another heavy sigh.  "I really need to talk about it with someone.  I didn't feel comfortable going into it with Dawn—she's still mad at Willow anyway—and Tara's really upset and thinks the whole thing is her fault.  I tried calling Xander last night, but Anya just said that he wasn't home.  She seemed kinda mad, so I didn't wanna pry."  Buffy raised her head and ran her hands over her face wearily.  "You're really the only person I can talk to about this anyway.  You understand how I've been feeling since I came back, and you don't really have any emotional connections to Willow.  I think I need someone who's impartial, you know?"

Spike gave her a gentle smile.  "I know.  Tell me what happened."

Buffy started at the beginning with her worries over the bills, and how Willow hadn't been much help in that department.  "I was just really cranky, you know?  And it bothers me how Willow lives here for free and never even offers to help out.  She doesn't even buy her own food; she just eats whatever I bring home."  

Spike remained quiet as Buffy continued to tell her story.  "And then I just got so mad about her attitude towards Dawn.  I mean, I know that she didn't mean to hurt her, but Dawn still has every right to be angry.  She just a kid, and she really doesn't understand everything.  All she knows, is that someone she trusted put her in danger.  You can't blame her, really, for being mad, and Willow hasn't done much to make amends."

Spike began to look concerned as Buffy got to the part about how Willow felt betrayed by the rest of the Scooby Gang.  "She just doesn't understand that we're trying to help her.  All Willow sees, is that we're talking about her behind her back.  She was totally pissed about the whole thing and accused us of treating her like the new Big Bad."

Spike looked thoughtful.  "Well, maybe that was just a base reaction.  I'm sure you or I might feel the same  in her place.  Once she cools off a little, she's bound to see that you're all just trying to help."

Buffy peered at him curiously.  It wasn't like Spike to be so level-headed.  "I'm sure you're right—and she did cool off a little for while there."  She gave another dramatic sigh.  "It just got so messed up!  Why can't anything ever be easy for me?" she whined.

"Now, pet, this isn't about you."  He gave her a reproachful look.  "It's about Willow, remember?"

The simple statement hit her like a ton of bricks.  Of course it was about Willow.  "God, you must think I am so self-absorbed!  My best friend is in real trouble and I keep trying to make it all about me.  It's like it's all-Buffy, all-the-time with me."

Spike gave her a wry smile.  "Well, you have been known to make it that, at times."  He could say that again.  Buffy definitely did have a way of making everything all about her.  He couldn't have feelings for her, because it made _her_ uncomfortable.  He couldn't possibly be good, because it went against _her _personal view of vampires.   Spike managed to keep his thoughts in check; it wasn't the time.  "Still, all of us have been guilty of it a time or two.  It's just human nature, I'd wager."

"Yeah," Buffy snorted, "well, I wish we'd had this talk sooner, 'cause it would've helped me out yesterday."  Spike gave her a quizzical look.  "With Willow, I made it all about Buffy."

"How's that?"

"Well, she accused me of being cold and unfeeling."  Buffy looked down at her hands.  "You know, ever since I…rose from the dead, and stuff."  Spike put a hand over hers as a gesture of comfort, and Buffy looked up quickly.  "Not that it's not true, or anything.  It just made me so mad, and…and I totally went off on her.  I screamed at her and told her every single awful thing that I've been thinking since I came back.  I called her selfish and irresponsible, and…and…"  She trailed off and looked down at her hands again.

Spike gave her hand a gentle squeeze.  "And what, luv?"

Buffy looked up at him, eyes filled with unshed tears.  "And that's when she broke.  It was awful, Spike.  She just kinda…crumbled, right in front of me.  The pain she was feeling, it was unbearable.  She really hates herself right now…and it's all my fault."  One lone tear managed to escape and rolled forlornly down her cheek.

Spike stood once more and wrapped his arms around her.  Buffy melted into his embrace, arms winding tightly around him.  He held her quietly for a moment, and she began to shake with the force of her sobbing.  "Buffy, luv, don't cry.  It's not your fault.  No one could blame you for feeling the way that you do, and if Willow hates herself, well, it's for good reason."  She pulled back to look up at him, a shocked expression on her face.  "She'd done some pretty terrible things, luv, and it's time that she faces up to it.  Buffy, as much joy as it brings me to see you alive and well—and you'll never know how much—what she did was wrong.  You were right; it was irresponsible, and she was being selfish.  She needs to be made to see that."  He pulled her gently back against his chest and tightened his arms around her.

"But, Spike," Buffy was still sobbing, "she hurts so much."

"And you don't, luv?"  He planted a soft kiss on the top of her head.  "The Nibblet's arm doesn't hurt, then?  I'm sure she does hurt, but there's plenty of reasons for that.  Red has caused a lot of pain, and maybe she just needed to see that.  Maybe she needs to take a long, hard look at herself."

Buffy sniffed and swiped at her tears.  "You think it will help?"

Spike smiled into her hair and gave her another little kiss.  "Yeah, I think it might."  He pulled back to look at her.  "Come on, now, chin up and all that rot.  No more tears.  You'll find a way; you always do.  Tell me the rest."  He let her go and sat back down.  "Why did she leave?"

Buffy reached out to grab a paper napkin from the little ceramic holder on the counter and blew her nose noisily.  She immediately missed the comfort of Spike's embrace.  It scared her a little, how much she was coming to depend on him.  He was the only thing that remained constant in her crazy, mixed-up world, and she didn't know what she'd do without him.  _There I go thinking about myself, again.  _Buffy hated that she was so self-centered.  If Spike, a soulless demon, could put the needs of others before his own, why couldn't she?  But that was just more of the same, thinking about herself when she should be thinking about Willow.

She quickly related the events of Tara's visit and the magical barrier that Willow had put up.  "She promised me that she wouldn't use magic anymore.  I was so worried about her, afraid that she would hurt herself or something.  Yet, I was also kinda mad that she'd broken her promise, and that she was using magic in my house."

Spike gave her a small smile.  "Well, it's to be expected that she slip up once in a while.  Besides, she shouldn't have to give up on magic altogether; it's a large part of who she is."

Buffy gave that a little thought and remembered how she herself had vowed never to let Spike touch her again.  She certainly hadn't lasted very long on that one.  There was no way that she could give _him_ up altogether, either.  Not after all they'd been through in the past couple of days.  Still, she didn't know if she could trust herself with Spike any more than she could trust Willow with magic.  "But it's dangerous.  How can we let her keep using magic when it's been so destructive and it's obviously bad for her?"  She looked at Spike worriedly, and it was obvious to the both of them that Buffy wasn't just talking about Willow, or magic, for that matter.

"She's just got to learn to use some self-control and restraint, that's all.  She needs to stop using her magic for selfish reasons and stop being so reckless with it."  He looked at her pointedly.  "The _magic's _not bad for her, luv.  It's the reasons behind it that are.  There are plenty of good things that can come from magic.  It doesn't always have to be so dire or tragic."

Buffy knew that everything Spike had said could be applied to their relationship as well as to Willow's magic problem, but she decided that it was not the best time to discuss it.  Instead, she continued with her story.  "Poor Tara looked so defeated when she left.  I felt so bad for her, and I know that she still loves Willow very much.  It must be so hard for them both.  I waited outside her bedroom door for hours.  She refused to come out or to talk to me at all.  Finally, just when I was about to call Tara and have her come and try to take the barrier down, Willow came out.  She had a bag all packed and said that she was going to stay at her parents' house."

"Did she say why?"

"She just said that it was too hard for her to stay here right now.  She said that she needed some time to sort things out, and that this was the best way."  Buffy looked at him with guilty eyes.  "I know that this sounds terrible, but a part of me was relieved to have her gone.  It's almost like I don't have to worry as much if she's not here.  I don't have to worry if she's using magic again or if we're going to get into another fight over breakfast, or if she might put Dawn in danger again.  Am I a bad person for feeling this way?"

"No, luv, you're not a bad person.  You could never be a bad person."  Spike patted her shoulder comfortingly.  "It's understandable that you would feel that way."

"Well, another big part of me feels like I just lost my best friend.  As hard as these past couple of weeks have been, I still hate to see her leave.  It shouldn't have come to this."  

"Did she say if she was coming back?" asked Spike.

Buffy shook her head.  "No, she said she didn't know if this was the best arrangement for any of us, but she didn't say for sure one way or the other.  Honestly?  I don't know which to hope for."

He gave her shoulder a squeeze.  "It'll all sort itself out in the end.  Feelin' guilty is only gonna make it worse.  Instead of wasting your energy on guilt, focus on ways to help your friend heal."

Buffy smiled in spite of herself.  Spike had an uncanny ability to get to the heart of the matter.  It was maddening how he was always right about everything.  "You sound like a shrink!" she laughed.  

"Just call me Dr. Spike."  He smiled back at her and then sobered.  "What are we going to do now?"

"With Willow?  I don't know."  Buffy shrugged, all of the laughter gone now.  "I kinda feel like we should just leave her alone for a while and let her sort things out by herself.  But I'm also scared that she might fall even deeper into magic, maybe even go back to that Rack guy, and then we might lose her forever."

"I understand why you're worried, but I don't see how a few days could hurt.  Give her some time to cool off and think about things.  If she was as shook up as you said, then I really don't think that she'd wanna keep messing around with the black arts.  She might just come around on her own."

"Yeah," Buffy sighed, "that's what Tara said, too.  Maybe I'll just give her a call over the weekend and see how she's doing."

"That's a good idea, pet.  Let her know that you're there for her, but don't push her.  Red's got to do some of this on her own.  You can only do so much."

"I know.  I just want her to be better.  I just want my best friend back, you know?"

Spike nodded in understanding.  "It'll happen, these things just take time."

"Spike?"  Buffy looked at him curiously.  "When did you get so calm and level-headed."

He chuckled.  "Well, luv, I've had a lot of free time in the past couple of years and no real friends to speak of.  Gives a bloke a lot of time to think.  You'd be surprised how introspective I've become."

Buffy frowned and laid her hand on his arm.  "I'm your friend."

Spike covered her hand with his and looked her straight in the eyes.  "I hope so," he said seriously.

"I am," said Buffy adamantly, "and you're mine.  You've been such a great help to me ever since I came back.  I…I don't know what I'd do without you.  I'm sorry that I haven't always been so nice to you."

He smiled at her.  "It's okay, luv.  I'm used to it."

"No!  You shouldn't have to be used to it!  You don't deserve it."  Buffy's lower lip began to tremble, and she looked down at their intertwined hands.

"Luv," he cupped her chin in his hand and raised her face to his.  "I know how hard this is for you, and I understand.  I can wait until you sort it all out, even if that means facing your wrath once in a while.  It's worth it."

"Thank you," she whispered.  He smiled at her again, and Buffy lost it.  She threw herself into his arms and pressed her lips to his.  Spike responded eagerly, and she was immediately lost in the kiss.  She knew nothing but the incredible taste and feel of him.  It felt so good; it was where she belonged.

Spike knew that this was probably a bad idea, but he couldn't help himself.  It was wonderful to kiss Buffy and to feel her arms around him.  Her warms hands traveled up his back as she continued to kiss him with passion, and he returned the kisses with a desire that matched.  Before he even knew what had happened, Buffy was straddling him on the kitchen stool.  He mouth never left his as she tried to unbutton his jeans and un-tuck his shirt at the same time.  Her desperate need was unsettling to Spike, and he forced himself to break the kiss.  "Wait."

Buffy paused, her hand still on the top button of his jeans, the other snaked up under his shirt.  "What?" she panted.  "You wanna go upstairs?"

"No."  Spike's voice was stern.  He removed her hand from his pants and gently slid her onto the floor.

"What's the matter?"  Buffy tried not to show the hurt she was feeling.

"I don't think this is a good idea."

"Why not?"  She could feel herself getting angry.  "You seemed to like it just fine the other night!"

"Because I'm in love with you."

Buffy gave him a coy smile and lowered her lashes.  "I know."  She reached for him again.  "I want you to love me right now."  He batted her hand away and she pouted at him.  "You know you want to."

"What I want," Spike said through clenched teeth, "is to have a real relationship with you.  I don't want something that is based on sex, and I don't want you using me to make yourself feel better.  I want you to love me the way I love you."

"Spike, I told you—"

"I know what you told me," he interrupted, "and I just told you that I'd wait until you got it all sorted out.  Buffy, I love you, and I want to do this right.  Yes, I want you right now, but it would be a mistake.  If we're ever going to have something real here, then we've got to take it slow.  We can't just go running off to shag every time your emotions get the better of you."

Buffy understood what he was trying to say, but it stung nonetheless.  "Spike, it's not like that.  I'm not using you."

"Then what are you doing?"

She ran her hands through her hair in frustration.  "I don't know!  That's what I'm trying to figure out.  I do feel something for you, but I don't know what it is yet."

He looked at her levelly.  "Exactly.  You need to figure it out, and shagging'll  only bollocks it up more."  Spike sighed and reached out to grab her hand.  "I'm not trying to punish you, luv.  I just want things to be good between us.  Do you understand?"

"I do understand."  She gave him a small smile.  "And you're right as always.  I want things to be good too."  She stepped forward and put her arms around him.  "I probably just would've ended up beating you up afterwards, anyway."

Spike couldn't help but laugh.  "Probably."

Buffy gave him a squeeze and copped a quick feel.  "I just can't keep my hands off your sexy body," she joked.

"Yeah, quite a few women have that problem, actually."  His eyes were sparkling with delight from the fact that Buffy thought he was sexy.

She pulled away to smack him on the shoulder.  "Ego, much?"  They both laughed.

"Well, luv, I'd better get going.  I'd like to catch a few hours of sleep before the Nibblet comes over."

Buffy hated to see him go.  "Still working on the play?"

"Yeah, we're almost done.  She'll probably finish it over the weekend."  Spike shuffled his feet, but made no move to leave.

"Um," Buffy was suddenly nervous.  "Will I see you later?  Patrol, maybe?"

Spike smiled, glad that Buffy still wanted to see him.  "Sure, luv.  Just come by when you're ready."

"Okay."  She smiled back at him.  "Hey, where were you last night?  I came by, but you weren't there."  Buffy had looked all over for Spike the night before, but he'd been nowhere to be found.

"What's the matter, luv?  Miss me?"  Buffy scowled at him, and he smirked back.  "I was having a few pints with the Whelp."

"Xander?" asked Buffy.  Spike nodded.  "No way, Xander _hates_ you."

Spike tried not to look too offended by this.  "Well, hate might be too strong of a word.  We had quite the little chat."

Buffy stared at him in disbelief.  "You had a _chat _with Xander?  Wait, is that what you were talking about when you first got here?  Something about a heart-to-heart?"

"Uh, something like that."  Now Spike was embarrassed.  He never should've brought it up.

"Were you talking about me?" she asked suspiciously.

"Actually, we weren't.  Remember, it's not always all about Buffy."  He gave her a teasing smile to soften the harsh words.

She bristled a bit at his comment, but did not let herself get angry.  "Are you going to tell me what you talked about?"

"Nope."

"Spike!  Come on!"  Buffy hated secrets, and it drove her crazy when people kept things from her.

Spike planted a kiss on her forehead and turned to grab his duster.  "Sorry, luv, but it's not my place.  Ask the Whelp, if you really wanna know."  

Buffy crossed her arms over her chest.  "Fine, I will!"

He chuckled and picked up his blanket.  "You do that."  He pulled the blanket over his head and reached for the door.  "See ya, Slayer."

"Wait!"  She rushed across the kitchen and stood between Spike and the door.  "Don't I get a kiss goodbye?"

Spike gave her a sexy grin and leaned down to kiss her.  Moments later, he was gone, and Buffy was left breathless, wondering what he and Xander could have possibly talked about.


	17. The Cleaning

If Not Wisely

Chapter 17:  The Cleaning

Spoilers:  Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.

Rating:  R for swearing and some sexual situations.

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

Feedback:  Would be highly appreciated.  This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I'd like to know how I'm doing.  Constructive criticism is welcome.

Distribution:  So far, just here.  If anyone wants it, just let me know.

Summary:  Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.

A/N:  Finally a new chapter!  This one took my forever to write, and I apologize again for the long delay.  I'm afraid that there's not much action in this one, just Buffy thinking and thinking some more.  Hey, the girl's got a lot to think about!  Thanks so much for all the reviews.  An extra special thanks to Bella for her constant encouragement, honest feedback and for putting up with my e-mail rants!  You're the best!  I hope you guys enjoy the new chapter, and I promise there will actually be dialogue in the next one!  If you absolutely hate it, let me know why.  Thanks!

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Buffy was restless.  Spike had barely been gone five minutes, and she didn't know what to do with herself.  Looking for an outlet for her pent-up energy, she decided to turn to housework.  She finished the remaining breakfast dishes in record time, and went to work on scrubbing the kitchen floor.  Ordinarily, Buffy wasn't one for cleaning—the state of her kitchen floor could attest to that—but today the mindless task seemed comforting.  As usual, she had way too much of her mind, and concentrating on something so menial helped her to avoid thinking too much.

She was about halfway done with the floor when her thoughts began to catch up with her.  The fact that Spike had spurned her advances really bothered her.  The fact that she was bothered by it bothered her even more.  She could kick herself for jumping him once again, and she could stake him for turning her down.  Who did he think he was, anyway?  Who was he to turn _her _down?  If anything, she should be the one turning _him_ down.  He was just so infuriating.  

Buffy threw the dishcloth into the bucket of soapy water with a little too much force and ended up nearly covered in the now dirty water.  Great.  God, Slayer strength was such a pain in the ass sometimes.  Oh well, just another frustration that she could chalk up to Spike.  She knew that she shouldn't be letting him get to her like this, but she really couldn't help herself.  She shouldn't be wanting him at all; it was wrong.  Just because Spike was incredibly sexy and amazingly good in bed, it still didn't make it right to be with him.  Everything about it went against her very reason for being.  She sighed, wiping some water from her face, and tried to push all thoughts of Spike of her mind.

Forty-five minutes later, the kitchen floor was so clean she could eat off it, and every other surface in the kitchen was sparkling.  Buffy surveyed her handy work and was pleased with the result.  Too bad that horrible woman from Social Services wasn't here to see it.  Smiling to herself, she suddenly realized that she was starving.  Buffy hadn't been eating much since she'd come back, and especially not in the last couple of weeks.  She had begun to notice that her clothes were starting to almost hang off of her.  Not a good sign.  Nobody likes a scrawny Slayer.  She decided that she'd better eat something.

Upon opening the refrigerator, Buffy was dismayed to see that it was almost empty.  Glumly, she considered her choices.  There were some leftovers, which appeared to be growing fur, a half-gallon of milk that had long since passed its expiration date, a package of lunch meat that looked suspiciously slimy, and an apple that had definitely seen better times. Of course, there was no short supply of condiments.  Buffy gazed forlornly at the half-used bottles of salad dressing, ketchup, mustard, soy sauce and mayonnaise.  Too bad there was no food to put any of it on.  Man can not live by condiments alone.  

With a sigh, Buffy began to clear everything out.  The leftovers went into the garbage, container and all, and the lunch meat soon followed suit.  She poured the milk down the drain and pitched the carton.  At least now, it was official.  Mother Hubbard's cupboard was completely bare.  Munching on the apple, which she had taken pity on and decided to spare the fate of its companions, Buffy did a quick inventory of the rest of her food supply.  Not much there.  The freezer held a half-empty box of fish sticks, two very freezer burned chicken breasts, an ice pack and a couple of frozen waffles.  The cupboards were even worse.  Hot coco powder and mini-marshmallows, a few stale crackers, one package of Ramen noodles and a can of clam chowder that must have been there since before her mother had died.

Buffy's earlier cleaning high had dissipated in the face of impending starvation.  She choked down a few of the stale crackers and tried to decide what to do.  It looked like it was definitely going to be a Domino's night.  Maybe tomorrow, which was Saturday, she could get Xander to take her to the grocery store.  Although the store wasn't really that far, and she did have Slayer strength, Buffy didn't relish the thought of dragging groceries home by herself.  She really wished that she had just bitten the bullet and learned how to drive like the rest of the world.  But that was neither here, nor there.  The problem at hand was the food situation.

Unfortunately, rectifying that problem would take money—something Buffy didn't have much of.  She really was going to have to get a job.  But where?  Spike had been right about the Doublemeat Palace, and she really didn't think that she could resort to stripping and come out with her dignity intact.  There had to be a better way.  Spike's idea about the self-defense classes had been a good one, and she wondered if there was some way she could make it work.  Maybe Anya would let her hold the classes in the training room at the Magic Box.  If Buffy promised to give her a cut of the profits, there was no way Anya could say no.  She gave the idea a little more thought.  It probably wouldn't be so bad to help out around the shop a little, until business starting to pick up.  She'd have to stick to stuff like taking inventory or stocking the shelves.  No waiting on customers.  There was no way she'd relive that nightmare.

Buffy was starting to feel a little better as she washed down the crackers with a glass of water.  She really thought there might be a way to make it work.  They could put up fliers on the UC Sunnydale campus.  College girls were always concerned with protecting themselves.  Maybe Willow and Tara could convince people from their classes, or even the Wicca group, to sign up.  How much should she charge?  Buffy was really starting to get excited now.  She'd have to talk it over with Spike and see what he thought.  He was always full of good ideas.

Spike.  The thought of him made Buffy stop short, glass halfway to her mouth.  What was she doing?  She was starting to think of him as her boyfriend or something.  Why was he the first person she thought of?  She slammed her glass down with a groan of frustration and was relieved to see that it did not break.  This was getting ridiculous.  Spike was not her boyfriend, and he never would be.  She would simply have to stop thinking about him in that manner.

Determined to push all thoughts of Spike from her head once again, Buffy decided to do the laundry.  She hadn't done any in almost two weeks now, so there was sure to be a lot.  She threw the rest of the crackers in the garbage can and stomped upstairs to round up all the dirty clothes.  A little avoidance never hurt anyone, and Buffy was an old pro at avoiding things that she didn't want to think about.

She flung herself into the task whole-heartedly as she emptied all of the hampers and started separating the whites, colors and delicates.  She even went as far as to crawl under the beds looking for stray socks and brave the horror that was Dawn's closet.  There, Buffy found a substantial portion of her own wardrobe.  She'd have to pay a little more attention to what her sister wore out of the house in the morning.  Dawn knew that she wasn't supposed to take Buffy's clothes without asking, and they'd had more than their share of fights about it in the past.  She might just have to have a little talk with her sister about that one.  Still, it didn't seem worth it to start a fight, not when she was tying to concentrate on being a better parent.  There was no harm in Dawn borrowing a couple of sweaters, as long as she didn't ruin anything.

Buffy put the first load in the washer and went to tackle her own messy closet.  She was feeling quite industrious and congratulating herself on avoiding all thoughts of Spike, when she found it.  There, at the bottom of her closet, crumpled in a tight ball, was Spike's tee-shirt.  She felt a strange little tug at her heart as she picked it up.  Spike's shirt.  Almost unconsciously, she held it to her face and breathed deeply.  His familiar scent washed over her, and Buffy knew that she'd lost yet another battle with herself.  She glared at the shirt, wishing it were Spike.  Why wouldn't he just get out of her head already?  Scowling, she made to throw it on the pile of darks in the corner, but she thought the better of it.  What the hell, she might as well have a little souvenir.  She held it up to her face again.  Yeah, she was definitely keeping it.  The shirt was big and comfortable, perfect for sleeping in.  Plus, it smelled like him, and she liked it.  Buffy folded the tee-shirt carefully and hid it at the bottom of her underwear drawer.  She knew that she'd never hear the end of it if Dawn found it.

Closet all taken care of, Buffy decided that it couldn't really hurt all that much to think about Spike for a while.  He was, after all, a part of her life now, so why shouldn't she think about him once in a while?  She switched the first load of laundry to the dryer and started another.  The cleaning spree continued as she set about vacuuming and dusting the living room between loads.  This time, however, she allowed her mind to wander freely.

The earlier conversation with Spike had been somewhat surprising.  For as long as she'd known him, Buffy had considered Spike to be a very reactionary sort of person.  There were actually rather alike in that way.  Stake now, questions later, had always been Buffy's motto.  Spike was always a bundle of nervous energy, franticly pacing or ranting in anger.  That morning, however, he had been quite different.  Calmly sitting instead of franticly pacing and  listening quietly instead of ranting loudly.  He had sat there and spouted platitudes like, "These things take time," and, "You can only do so much."  Of course, he was right, as always, but that didn't make his unusual behavior any less disconcerting for Buffy.

Buffy paused in her vacuuming, remembering what Spike had told her in the kitchen.  He had looked so sad, telling her that he had no friends, but more than a little resigned to the fact.  She had felt sorry for him, this creature, this thing of evil, who had turned his back on everything he'd known for over a century to help his worst enemy.  At the time, it hat seemed like the most natural thing in the world to say that she was his friend.  What does anyone say in response to something like that?  Spike hadn't really seemed to believe her, and Buffy wasn't sure if she even believed herself.  Were they friends?  Before everything that had happened with Glory, before she had died, Buffy would have never even considered labeling Spike as a friend.  A reluctant ally maybe, but certainly not a friend.  But so much had changed since then.  He had proven  himself over and over, and she had been forced to acknowledge that Spike really did care about her and Dawn.   Hell,  he'd even stuck around after Buffy had died, looking after Dawn and helping her friends patrol.  Weren't those the actions of a friend?

The vacuum whirred as it sucked up some of the fringe from the rug under the coffee table, and Buffy quickly shut it off.  She hadn't been paying much attention to what she was doing.  With a sigh, she bent down to pull the fringe out of the rollers.  Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to think about Spike while vacuuming, lest she end up with a broken vacuum cleaner.  Buffy climbed back to her feet and plopped heavily onto the couch.  She might as well give up any pretense of cleaning and just continue trying to decipher her strange relationship with Spike.  

Could they ever be friends?  Well, Spike hadn't tried to kill her in a really long time.  Also, he'd really been there for her ever since she'd come back.  He always listened to her ramble on about her many problems, and often tried to help her make things better.  She knew that he would always help, no questions asked, if she ever needed him, and that he would not hesitate to lay his life on the line for her.  But it was more than that.  Spike always seemed to know exactly the right thing to say, no matter the situation, and he could never fail to bring a smile to her face.  He had a way of forcing Buffy to face the hard truths that she'd rather avoid, but he always knew when to lay off.  She had to admit that she definitely felt more comfortable, more herself, around him than with anybody else.  It was becoming increasingly clear that Spike was, indeed, a very good friend.

Buffy let out a small gasp as she came to a sudden revelation.  She'd been mentally ticking off all of the ways in which Spike had been a friend to her, yet she had not thought of one way in which she was a friend to _him_.  Had she ever asked him how he was doing?  Had she ever even really cared?  Buffy never listened to Spike talk about his problems.  In truth, she didn't even know if he had any.  She'd been so consumed with obsessing over how her death and resurrection had affected her, that she'd never even bothered to ask Spike how it had affected _him_.  She never stuck up for Spike with her friends, never told Xander to quit picking on him.  Buffy felt a hot wave of shame creep over her.  God, she had not been a friend to Spike at all.  No wonder he hadn't seemed to believe her.  He had given her so much of himself over the past few months--comfort, companionship, counsel—and had never asked for anything in return.  What had Buffy given him?

Sex.  The answer was sex.  Other than hatred and disdain, that was the only thing that Buffy had ever given him.  Always with complete detachment, and always on _her_ terms.  They had sex when she wanted it, where she wanted it, and how she wanted it.  He never asked for it, never tried to initiate it.  Even the other night, when she had turned on him and abruptly put an end to the impending sex fest, he hadn't tried to change her mind.  No, he'd just accepted it, the way he accepted her.  Spike never made any demands, except that she be truthful, to him and to herself.  He didn't expect her to be any way other than what she was.  If she really thought about it, Spike was probably the best friend that she had right now.  None of the others could accept her as unconditionally as he did.  Nobody could make her feel even half as good as he did.  She didn't deserve him.

It was funny, really, how the source of her deepest shame—for she was truly very ashamed of herself for sleeping with, having feelings for, this monster—could also be the source of her greatest comfort.  It was with a deep sense of revulsion that Buffy realized that she _was_ using Spike.  As a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend with her myriad of problems, an extra set of hands to protect her sister or handle a demon that she couldn't take on her own and as a good, hard fuck when the tension became too much.  Buffy just took and took, and Spike never seemed to tire of giving.  What kind of horrible person was she, that she'd never realized this before?  There must be a limit to one person's self-absorption.   It must hurt him terribly to be so in love with her—and she truly believed that he was—and to give all of himself to her, yet receive nothing in return.  Well, not nothing exactly.  He did get sex, meaningless, emotionless sex.

Yet, that morning he'd turned her down.  Buffy had thrown herself at him, as she always did, and Spike had turned her down.  Earlier, she'd been so concerned with her own wounded pride that she hadn't really thought about why he'd done it.  Was this man, who'd calmly explained that sex would be a mistake, the same vampire who'd tied her up and begged for a crumb?  Sex with her was certainly much more than a crumb, and still he'd said no.   Why?  Because he loved her, that's why.  This evil, soulless demon was in love with her, and he wanted a real relationship.  He wanted a relationship based on love and trust, not sex.  What did that say about Buffy that meaningless sex was enough for her?  What did it say about Spike that he wanted something more?  She wasn't prepared to give him what he wanted; didn't think she even _could_, not now.  Why had she let sex get in the way?  Why couldn't she just have been a friend to him?

Gradually, Buffy came to the realization that Spike didn't _want_ to be friends with her.   He would never be content to simply have her friendship.  No, he wanted her love.  He wanted Buffy to love him as wholly and unconditionally as he loved her.  Spike wanted a partner, an equal, someone to laugh with and make love to.  Of course, with all of that would also come friendship, but he could never settle for being _just_ friends.  He'd told her as much that night when everyone had been singing and dancing—the night she'd sealed her fate with one searing, passionate kiss.  What was that he'd sung to her?  _Let me rest in peace._  _Stop visiting my grave._  Well, that settled it, then.   They couldn't have sex, and they couldn't be friends.  Where did they go from here?

Buffy sighed to herself.  It was just like Angel all over again.  Doomed.  Their relationship, what there was of it, was doomed to fail.  She should really just run away now, but there was no way she could give him up.  Even if he never touched her again, she still needed him in her life.  Why couldn't  he settle for friendship?  It would make everything so much easier, and she could learn to fight her attraction to him, if she had to.  Buffy was reminded of something Spike had said to her and Angel years ago, when he'd kidnapped Willow and Xander.  Something about the two of them never being friends.  Leave it to Spike to cut right through all the bullshit and tell it like it is.  What had he said?  _You're not friends.  You'll never be friends.  You'll be in love until it kills you both.  You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other until it makes you  quiver, but you'll never be friends._

She sat up with a start.  _Oh my God, that's us! _ She was shocked to see that Spike's words from three years ago described their current relationship to a tee.  In fact they seemed to fit in relation to her and Spike much better than they ever had for her and Angel.  Sure, it was true that she and Angel would never be friends, but she didn't love Angel anymore, hadn't for a long time now.  As heartbroken as she'd been over his leaving, she'd never been able to muster up the strength to actually hate him; Angelus maybe, but not Angel.  Now Spike, there was someone she could hate, and he had definitely made her quiver a time or two.  Nowadays, thinking of Angel only inspired a vague sense of wistfulness—for lost youth and innocence more than anything—but Spike could inspire a maelstrom of emotions.  Everything about their relationship was intense, heated and stormy.  Those long ago words had summed everything up perfectly; they fought, they shagged, they hated, and they probably would be in love until it killed them both.  

Love?  Where had that word come from?  Buffy hadn't meant to even _think_ about loving Spike.  It did seem rather fitting, though.  After all, weren't love and hate opposite sides of the same coin?  Buffy began to wonder if maybe she shouldn't just stop fighting it.  Maybe she shouldn't deny herself the opportunity to love, and be loved in return, just because fate had decided to make them enemies.  She knew that it was probably a mistake, and that her friends would think she'd lost her mind, but she didn't really care.  She deserved to be happy, damn it, and if Spike made her happy, then why not?  She couldn't help remembering what else Spike had said that day.  _Love isn't brains, children, it's blood—blood screaming inside you to work its will.  _Maybe she'd just have to stop listening to her brain and pay more attention to the screaming of her blood.

Right then and there, Buffy came to a decision.  She would stop trying to bury her feelings and give Spike a chance.  Maybe they could find the middle ground between friends and lovers.  Maybe it would end up being the best thing that had ever happened to her.  If he wanted to take things slowly, then she'd take things slowly.  She'd talk to him and, more importantly, listen.  It occurred to Buffy that she really didn't know that much about Spike.  Well, she would just have to find out; she owed him that much.  Perhaps there _could _be something real and good between them.  She needed to find out, for both their sakes.

Buffy looked at the VCR clock and realized that Dawn would be out of school by now and probably on her way to Spike's crypt.  As much as she wanted to run right over there and tell him about her decision, she decided to let Dawn have her time with him.  She had all the time in the world to talk to Spike, and Dawn needed him as much as she did.  Buffy was a big girl, and she could wait until after Dawn finished her homework and had dinner.

Feeling much better than she had in weeks, Buffy decided to head over to the Magic Box to get in a training session.  She'd been slacking off in that department lately.  Plus, she needed to tell Anya about Willow's leaving, and maybe even run her new money-making scheme by her.  If she was lucky, Anya might even know what Spike and Xander had been talking about at the Bronze the night before.

Forgetting all about the laundry and the vacuuming, Buffy took off for the Magic Box.  Anyone watching would have seen a smiling Slayer with a new bounce in her step.


	18. The Planning part 1

If Not Wisely  
  
Chapter 18: The Planning  
  
Spoilers: Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.  
  
Rating: R for swearing and some sexual situations.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine.  
  
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I would like to know how I am doing. Constructive criticism is welcome.  
  
Distribution: So far, just here. If anyone wants it, just let me know.  
  
Summary: Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.  
  
A/N: Here's part one of the next chapter! Bet you guys didn't think I could do it this fast! I had to break it in two because it's gonna be a monster. Next up, Buffy finds out what Spike and Xander talked about at the Bronze. Thanks so much for all the great reviews. I'm really glad that more people seem to be finding this story. Keep 'em coming guys!  
  
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Dawn rushed into Spike's crypt all smiles and bursting with energy. "Spike!" She looked around the dimly lit room, but did not see him anywhere. "Spike! Where are you?" She heard a distant rumbling from the chamber below and went to investigate. It was even darker down there, but she could just barely make out his form lying on the bed. "Spike, get your lazy butt outta bed!" More rumbling was all she got as a reply. "Don't make me come down there!"  
  
Spike sat up with a groan, running his hands through his sleep-mussed hair. "Hold your bleedin' horses, Bit! I'll be up in a minute."  
  
"Hurry up! I've got big news," Dawn called back and giggled when she heard him rumble again in reply. She went over to the old refrigerator and took out her very last Mountain Dew. Sadly, she had finished off all of the chips on her last visit, so there would be no snackage for her today. Her stomach was growling loudly. There hadn't been much to eat for breakfast that morning, and she'd really had to stretch what was  
  
left of her lunch money to get a decent lunch that day. She really hoped that Buffy would go grocery shopping soon.  
  
"So, what's the big news, Bit?"  
  
Spike's voice seemed to come out of nowhere, and Dawn almost dropped her can of soda from the suddenness of it. She whirled around to look at him and almost dropped her can a second time. Spike was standing in front of her shirtless and barefoot. The top button on his jeans was undone, and they were riding perilously low on his slim hips. His hair stood up in wild disarray, and his eyes were still heavy with sleep. In short, he looked drop dead gorgeous. Dawn could feel her mouth hanging open and found herself wondering if this silly teenage crush would ever end. Spike was way too old for her, totally in love with her sister, and a vampire to boot. It was time she stopped thinking of him as a total hottie and started thinking of him as what he was—a surrogate big brother and potential boyfriend for her sister.  
  
With supreme effort, Dawn closed her mouth and tried to summon up an expression of disgust. "Seriously, Spike, if you don't stop walking around half-naked, then I'm gonna have to stop coming over here. Don't you think I'm a little too young for a vampire strip tease? It'll probably scar me for life."  
  
Spike gave her an embarrassed grin, which quickly turned to a scowl as he stalked over to grab a discarded tee-shirt from the floor next to his couch. "You're the one who told me to hurry, pet," he grumbled as he pulled the shirt over his head.  
  
"Yeah, but I didn't say that clothing was optional." She gave him her own version of his patented smirk.  
  
"Well, you were going on about big news, and all. Thought maybe there was gonna be another apocalypse." He saw Dawn roll her eyes at him. "So, what's the big news, then? That wanker you fancy decide to dump the cheerleader?"  
  
Dawn gave a dramatic sigh in the way that only teenagers can. "I wish! Although, Tammy did slip and fall on her butt in the cafeteria today. Oh, it was so funny! She ended up with chocolate pudding all over her cute little outfit!"  
  
Spike gave a sigh of his own and collapsed onto the couch, head in his hands. He definitely had not gotten enough sleep to deal with teenage babbling. Dawn, for her part, was still rambling on.  
  
"She was totally mortified! The whole room burst out laughing, even Brenden. Tammy was so pissed! Oh, I wish I could've gotten it on tape. I watch it over, and over, and—"  
  
"Bit!" Spike broke into her ramble. "The news. You said you had big news. For the love of Satan, tell me what it is!"  
  
"Oh, right. I guess I got a little carried away there." Dawn gave him a goofy grin. "Wait till you hear! This is even better! You'll never believe it!"  
  
Spike's already short supply of patience was running dangerously low. "You're right. I'll never believe you if you never bloody tell me."  
  
"Jeez, what crawled up your ass and died? You're sure in a bad mood today." Dawn caught Spike's glare of death and decided that she had pushed her luck about as far as it was going to go. "Okay, I'll tell you." She could resist adding a big, dramatic pause. "Willow moved out!" Spike just looked at her, the expression on his face never changing. "Spike, she's gone! Isn't that great?"  
  
"That's your big news, Nibblet? That Willow moved out?"  
  
"Yes!" shrieked Dawn. "I am so happy!" She began dancing around the crypt singing, "Ding, dong, the witch is dead!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The bells on the door jangled loudly as Buffy walked into the Magic Box. The shop was deserted, and Anya was sitting at the counter leafing through a bridal magazine. "Hey, Anya," she called brightly.  
  
Anya looked up from her magazine. "Oh. Hi, Buffy. Are you here to buy something?"  
  
"Nope." Buffy couldn't help but smile. It was so like Anya to say something like that. "I'm here to train. Sorry to disappoint."  
  
Anya made a dismissive motion with her hand. "Whatever." She went back to her magazine.  
  
Buffy looked around the empty shop, and an idea began to form. It looked like the store might be going through a dry spell. Surely, someone with Anya's love of capitalism must be bothered by the lack of business. Perhaps, she might even be open to a money-making proposition.  
  
She walked over to the counter and sidled up next to Anya. "Whatcha lookin' at?"  
  
"I'm just looking for bridesmaids' dresses. I mean, if burlap and blood larva are out…"  
  
Buffy grimaced. "Definitely out."  
  
"Well, then I have to find something else." She pointed at a particularly ugly green dress with ruffles at the bottom. "What do you think of this one?" She looked up at Buffy with hopeful eyes.  
  
"Um." Buffy fidgeted, a little uncomfortable with stating her opinion. "I'm thinking, no on that one."  
  
Anya gave a dejected sigh. "This is hopeless! If it's not burlap and blood larva, then I don't know what I'm doing."  
  
Buffy patted her on the back soothingly. "Don't worry, we'll find something. Something maybe not quite so green…or ruffley." She bent over to look at the magazine as Anya continued to turn pages. "How 'bout something like that?" Buffy pointed out a tasteful, spaghetti-strapped, A- line dress in a very pale shade of lavender.  
  
Anya furrowed her brow and peered at the picture. "Hmm, that's not bad, but I was hoping for something a little…bolder. You know, make a statement."  
  
Buffy bit her lip. She was already starting to dread the nightmare dress that Anya would end up putting her in. Still, she was planning on asking a favor, so there was no sense in pissing her off. "Yeah, well, I guess your wedding should be a reflection of who you are as a person. You just need to find your own personal style. Maybe you could just mark that one and come back to it later?" She tried not to sound too hopeful.  
  
"My own personal style. I like that." She smiled. "Thanks, Buffy. My own personal style. I have to find something that just screams 'Anya'."  
  
Buffy moaned internally. Anything that screamed "Anya" would not end up looking good on Buffy. Quickly, she leaned over and dog-eared the page before Anya could turn it. Anya gave her another smile, and Buffy decided to make her move. "So, business is pretty slow, huh?"  
  
Anya just shrugged. "Oh, it's just the usual lull between Halloween and the winter solstice. Things will pick up in another couple of weeks or so."  
  
"Yeah, but I'll bet you're not making as much money as you'd like to." Buffy tried to keep her tone as casual as possible. She didn't want to risk scaring Anya off.  
  
"Oh, Buffy." Anya sounded like she was talking to a small child. "No one ever makes as much money as they'd like to. Our on-line store is doing a pretty good business, though. Honestly, with all the wedding plans, I'm grateful for a little down time here and there."  
  
Buffy decided to switch tactics. "It's probably pretty hard to run this place all by yourself, huh? I mean, with Giles gone and everything."  
  
Anya made a face. "Sometimes. Thank God he was here for the Halloween rush. I couldn't have done it without him." She suddenly looked up at Buffy guiltily. "Oh, and you too. You were, uh, a big help."  
  
"Um, thanks." Buffy looked down at her feet. Okay, so she hadn't been the model employee, but she hadn't been that bad.  
  
"Well, you know, everyone pitched in, and it really was a great help." Anya turned another page in her magazine. "I've actually been thinking about hiring someone on part-time. But, at times like this," she looked around the empty shop again, "it hardly seems necessary."  
  
"I could, uh, help out sometimes. I mean, uh, if you needed it. It's not like I'm doing anything else, and I could use the money."  
  
Anya looked at her suspiciously. "I don't know, Buffy, things didn't turn out so well the last time you tried to work here. Remember, you forgot to charge that lady for home delivery? No, I don't think it's a good idea. You're just not suited for a career in retail. It's in the blood, you know."  
  
"Look, Anya," Buffy decided to lay her cards on the table, "I'm broke. And I have a plan."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Dawn was still twirling around the crypt, singing her little song, when she realized that Spike was not sharing in her joy. He continued to sit there with the same stony expression on his face. She stopped mid-twirl. "Spike, what's wrong? I thought you'd be happy that the witch is gone. Think about it, no more dangerous magic, no more freeloading off of Buffy. Where's the happy?"  
  
"No, Dawn, I'm not happy. And you are being unkind." Spike's voice was stern, the expression in his eyes deadly.  
  
"What?" Dawn's mouth gaped open. "Spike, how can you say that? You know what she did to me. I thought you were on my side!"  
  
Spike's expression softened a little. "I am on your side, Bit." His voice was much gentler now. "That's why I hate to see you being like this. You're better than that."  
  
"But, Spike," Dawn's eyes began to fill with tears. "I don't understand…I thought that…" she broke off as the tears began to fall. "I…I didn't mean…"  
  
"Come here, Bit." Dawn walked forlornly over to him, and he pulled her into his lap. He took the soda can from her and sat in on the ground.  
  
"Listen, I know you're mad, and you do have a right to be. What she did to you was inexcusable, but you're old enough now to try to understand these things." He wrapped his arms around her and gave her a little kiss on the top of her head. "Now, Red's your friend, right?"  
  
"Yeah, but—"  
  
Spike held up a finger to quiet her. "And she took care of you last summer when Buffy was gone, right?"  
  
"Yeah." Dawn sniffed and wiped her runny nose with the back of her hand.  
  
"So, don't you think that after all she's done for you, after all the good times you've had in the past, that maybe you shouldn't be so quick to give up on her?"  
  
"You don't understand."  
  
"Yes, I do understand. Look at who you're talking to here. I know what it's like to be angry. But anger's not going to solve anything, Dawn. It's not going to make you feel any better, and it's certainly not going to help Red get any better."  
  
Dawn sniffed again, but said nothing.  
  
Spike decided to take that sniff as agreement, and continued. "Now, Red's going through a real tough time right now, and she need her friends to help her get through it. You wouldn't be a very good friend if you abandoned her just when she needed you most, would you?"  
  
"I guess not," mumbled Dawn.  
  
"No, you wouldn't." Spike gave her a pointed look. "Did she abandon you last summer when you needed her? No, she didn't. Where's that loyalty that Summers women are famous for?"  
  
"But Spike, I trusted her to take care of me, to protect me, and she ruined that. I don't know if I can just forgive her."  
  
"Yes, you can. Nibblet, you have to understand that people make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. I reckon you've made some mistakes in your life. What about lying to your sister and running off with that vamp on Halloween? Didn't you deserve to be forgiven?"  
  
Dawn had the good grace to look embarrassed. "I guess, but that was just a stupid teenage rebellion thing. Willow almost got me killed."  
  
"And you almost got yourself killed, didn't you? How do you think your sister would've felt if you'd up and died on her? Or me, for that matter? What would I do without my Nibblet? You're the only one who likes me." He gave her a teasing smile.  
  
Dawn smiled back. "Oh, Spike." She gave him a little squeeze. "Okay, so everyone makes mistakes. Maybe I can forgive, but how am I supposed to forget? What if she does something like that again? What if she actually does kill someone next time? How can I ever trust her again?"  
  
"Well, trust needs to be earned. You just need to give Willow a chance to earn it back, that's all. How hard can that be?"  
  
"I dunno." Dawn looked wary. "It's the magic, Spike. It's scary, and it's dangerous. It's like she's addicted or something. I mean, why doesn't she just stop? She has to see how bad she's gotten."  
  
"She does know how bad she'd gotten, Bit. That's why she left. Yes, she's using too much magic, but she'd not addicted to it. Magic's not the real problem here, it's the reasons why she using it, the way she uses it."  
  
Dawn frowned up at him. "You think so?"  
  
"Yes, I do. Look, Red just needs to learn a little impulse control, and maybe take a closer look at why she's doing what she's doing. I think that she's probably got a lot of issues, and she needs to work through them before she can start using magic responsibly again."  
  
Dawn giggled. "Spike, you sound like my counselor at school."  
  
"Think so, do ya?" He gave a little sigh. "You know, your sister said almost the exact same thing to me this morning."  
  
"You saw Buffy?" Dawn looked up at him with hopeful eyes.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Anya eyed her skeptically. "What kind of plan?"  
  
"A plan to make money," Buffy told her seriously. "For both of us."  
  
The mention of making money immediately perked Anya up. "Now you're speaking my language. What's the plan?"  
  
Buffy smiled. Time to reel her in. Carefully, she explained her plan about holding self-defense classes in the back of the shop. She added as much detail as she could think of, the flyers, a nice chunk of the profits for Anya, networking the college campus, and ended up with her idea about working at the shop until business picked up. "What do you think?"  
  
Anya looked thoughtful. "Hmm, it might work. There are a lot of details that you haven't considered, though."  
  
"Like what?" Buffy was slightly miffed. She thought her plan was pretty damned good.  
  
"Well, for starters, can anyone just set up shop and start charging for lessons? Wouldn't you need some sort of permit, or license, or something? I'm guessing that you'd probably need to be registered with some bureau or other. Plus, I'd have to check and see if the store's insurance would cover that sort of thing. What if someone got hurt? We might not have the right kind of coverage. Also, there're taxes. If you're making money, then you'll have to give some of it to the government. How would you do that? Set yourself up as a corporation?"  
  
Buffy felt herself deflate little by little as Anya rambled on. She really hadn't stopped to consider all the problems that might be involved. Still, she was determined to make it work. "Well, we could check into that stuff, right? I mean, at least let's take a closer look and see if it might be possible."  
  
"Oh, yes." Anya looked surprised. "Buffy, I'm not dismissing your idea out of hand. I think it could be a real moneymaker. God, with the mortality rate in this town, all those 'gangs on PCP,' we'd be sure to make a killing. How much of the money am I going to get?"  
  
Buffy's smile was slowly coming back. "Um, I dunno. Maybe ten per-cent?"  
  
Anya gave her a disgusted look. "No way! Fifty-fifty."  
  
"What? Eighty-twenty."  
  
"Buffy, you're forgetting that you'd have absolutely no overhead." Anya had gone back to her, "I'm-talking-to-an-idiot," voice. "I'll be the one who pays the rent on the building, and for utilities, and insurance. I have a right to recoup some of those investments."  
  
"Anya! I'm the one who's about to be homeless and starving on the street. You don't need the money as much as I do. You have Xander's income and the profits from the store. I have to take care of Dawn!"  
  
Anya's expression softened, and she actually looked a little sympathetic, which was probably a first for her. "Seventy-thirty?"  
  
"Deal!" Buffy stuck out her hand, and Anya shook it. "God, this is so exciting! What do we do first?"  
  
"A list. We need a list." Anya dug in a drawer and came up with a pad of paper. She grabbed a pen and immediately started writing. "Okay, I can talk to my insurance agent and my accountant. I'll find out if we'll need extra coverage and how you can deal with that pesky tax problem." She chewed on the end of her pen. "Hmm, maybe you can look into licenses and stuff? You should go talk to that guy that runs the karate school. Find out how he has everything set up."  
  
Buffy looked uncertain. "Do you really think he'd want to help someone who could potentially be competition?"  
  
Anya waved away her concern. "Oh, just make something up. Tell him that you're doing a project for school on small businesses or something. It's shouldn't be a problem."  
  
"Um, I guess so." Buffy was a terrible liar, and she wasn't sure if she could pull it off.  
  
"Also, maybe you could call the Better Business Bureau, or the Chamber of Commerce. They should be able to point you in the right direction."  
  
"Okay, I can do that."  
  
Where Buffy was quickly becoming overwhelmed, Anya's eyes were gleaming with excitement. She was definitely in her element. "You know, maybe we could contact the area schools and get you in there to lecture. That would drum up business! Oh, and we could contact women's groups and stuff. You could drop in on their meetings and give a talk, maybe even a little demonstration. Oh! You could take puffy Xander, and they could watch you beat him up! This is going to be great!"  
  
Buffy wondered what the hell she'd gotten herself into. Speaking in front of large groups of people? She wasn't sure if she had it in her. She'd always hated giving speeches in high school. "It sounds like an awful lot of work," she said hesitantly.  
  
"Of course it's a lot of work!" scoffed Anya. "Making money always is. It will be worth it though, you'll see."  
  
"So, it might take a while, huh?"  
  
"A couple of months at least, to get everything up and running." Anya was still looking over her list, and she didn't appear to notice Buffy's growing worry.  
  
"So, is it okay, then, if I work in the store until we can get this thing off the ground?" She knew that she needed money right now. There was no way should could wait two months until the profits started rolling in.  
  
"Oh, sure, I guess so. I'll just look at it as an investment toward future earnings. Plus, I could use the help. The stock room downstairs is a total mess, you could clean that out. Also, we're going to be getting in a lot of shipments in the next couple of days in preparation for the winter solstice. You could unpack it all, take inventory, and put in on the shelves." Anya suddenly looked concerned. "I don't want you waiting on customers, though. You don't get to handle the money either."  
  
"That's no problem. I'll just stick to the behind-the-scenes stuff." Buffy was relieved. She actually had a job, and she didn't have to deal with the customers. Things were really looking up. "I can start on Monday, if you want."  
  
"Sounds good." Anya furrowed her brow in concentration. "You'll need a name, for your business. Something catchy."  
  
"I think about it." Buffy smiled again. She had definitely picked the right person to share her idea with.  
  
The bells over the door jingled, and they both turned to see Xander walking in.  
  
"Buffster! Just the person I wanted to see!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	19. The Planning--part two

If Not Wisely  
  
Chapter 19: The Planning—part two  
  
Spoilers: Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.  
  
Rating: R for swearing and some sexual situations.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine.  
  
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I would like to know how I am doing. Constructive criticism is welcome.  
  
Distribution: So far, just here. If anyone wants it, just let me know.  
  
Summary: Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.  
  
A/N: Here's part two! I'm really on a roll here! Thanks so much for all the great reviews. I'm really glad that more people seem to be finding this story. Let me know what you guys think!  
  
**************************************************************************** *****************  
  
"You saw Buffy?"  
  
Dawn's words hung in the air between them, and Spike wasn't sure what to say. He knew that Buffy didn't want Dawn to know what was going on between them, but Dawn wasn't stupid. She'd practically figured it out already. Plus, he really didn't have a good reason for going to see Buffy, and if he tried to lie his way out of it, Nibblet would be all over him in a second. He decided to go with the closest version of the truth that wouldn't get him in trouble with either Summers girl.  
  
Spike cleared his throat, knowing that the break in the conversation had gone on much too long. "Yeah, well, I just stopped by to see how everything was going. I was kinda worried about Red, is all."  
  
"Oh." Dawn looked a little disappointed. "So, you already knew about Willow moving out, then?"  
  
"Yep, big sis told me all about it." He shifted on the couch and realized for the first time that Dawn was still sitting his lap. He recognized that this might not be the ideal seating arrangement for a fifteen year-old girl and a one hundred and twenty-two year old vampire. If anyone happened to walk in on them, Buffy for instance, they might get the wrong idea. "Off you go, Nibblet. You're getting heavy." He gently shifted her until she was sitting on the couch next to him.  
  
Dawn was suddenly embarrassed. She had been sitting on Spike's lap. The lap of Spike. It had seemed perfectly normal when she'd been crying and he'd been trying to comfort her. Now, it was just embarrassing. Her face felt really hot, and she hoped that he couldn't tell how stupid she felt. "Whatever, Super-strength," she joked to cover her awkwardness.  
  
Spike could tell how uncomfortable she was, he was feeling pretty much the same thing, so he decided to joke back with her. "Hey, I'm not getting any younger!"  
  
"You're not getting any older, either," Dawn shot back. She reached down to retrieve her soda and took a big swig. "So, what did Buffy say about the whole thing? She wouldn't really talk about it with me."  
  
"Eh, you know your sister. Thought it was all her fault, of course. She's pretty upset about the whole thing, and she's really worried about Willow."  
  
"She didn't say anything." Dawn looked worried.  
  
"She probably just didn't want to worry you. Don't worry, though, I got her all calmed down." He reached out and ruffled her hair. "Quite a job that was, too."  
  
Dawn slapped his hand away in frustration. "You know what? I'm sick of being treated like a little kid! She didn't want to worry me? What the hell is that? Nobody ever tells me anything!"  
  
Spike sighed. As much as he loved his Little Bit, he couldn't wait for her to grow out of this teenage-brat stage. "You don't want to be treated like a kid, Dawn? Then stop acting like one!"  
  
"I'm not!" protested Dawn.  
  
"Oh, really? 'Cause I seem to remember someone singing and dancing around here like a lunatic because one of her closest friends is in trouble. Remind you of anyone you know?"  
  
"That's not fair!"  
  
"Life's not fair, Nibblet. Get used to it!" snapped Spike.  
  
Dawn crossed her arms over her chest and pouted. "I don't like you today! You're mean!"  
  
"I'm not mean. I just tell it like it is." He ran his hands through his hair. "Look, Dawn, don't be in such a hurry to grow up. You should just enjoy being a kid, because being a grown-up is no fun at all. Just ask your sister."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
Spike froze, he'd said too much. "Nothin', Nibblet. Forget I said anything."  
  
"Spike, is there something you're not telling me?" Dawn's face was twisted with worry, and her eyes were pleading with Spike to tell her the truth.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Hey, Xander!" Buffy called cheerfully. "Guess what?"  
  
"They're finally making the long-awaited sequel to Freddy Got Fingered?" He gave her a big grin. "Thank God! That Tom Green is a comic genius."  
  
"No!" squealed Anya. "Buffy and I are going into business together!"  
  
Buffy shot her a glare. She'd wanted to be the one to deliver the big news, and she didn't like Anya raining on her parade. "Thanks, Anya," she said sarcastically.  
  
"Oh, no problem!" Anya was still beaming.  
  
"What?" Xander looked shocked. "Does this mean no sequel, then?" He hung his head in mock-disappointment.  
  
"Xander, you big dope!" Buffy had to smile at his antics.  
  
He raised his head and grinned back at her. "This is great, Buff!" Xander wrapped her in a huge bear hug. "So, what's the plan? Slayer for hire? Or are you just going back to the wonderful world of retail?"  
  
Buffy giggled. "Even better!"  
  
Anya, who was feeling ignored, decided to reclaim the spotlight. "She's going to give self-defense classes in the training room! I'm going to get a cut of the profits!"  
  
Xander heard Buffy's groan and released his hold on her to look at his fiancée. She looked so pretty, beaming with excitement and happiness, that he couldn't even bring himself to chastise her for being rude. "That's great, An! Come here and give me a kiss!"  
  
In a flash, Anya was out from behind the counter and running straight for Xander. She flung her arms around his neck, and the two began kissing passionately. Buffy found herself resisting the urge to puke. She cleared her throat, hoping that they'd get the message, but neither party seemed to notice. Xander's hands were creeping increasingly closer to Anya's behind, and Buffy face was becoming increasingly red.  
  
Suddenly, Anya broke off the kiss and glared up at Xander. "What are you doing here? It's much too early for you to be done working. Why are you out earning more money?"  
  
Xander laughed and planted a kiss on her nose. "Relax, hon, I didn't get fired or anything. One of the idiots on my crew hit a water main with the backhoe, and the entire job site is flooded. We had to knock off early."  
  
"Thank God!" She began to kiss him once again.  
  
Buffy decided to put a stop to the mush-fest. "Xander, don't you want to hear about our plan?"  
  
"Sorry, Buff." He disentangled himself from Anya. "So, ladies, what's the big plan?"  
  
Immediately, both women started filling Xander in on their idea. They were talking over each other in their excitement. Each of them wanting to be the one to tell Xander the good news. When Anya got to the part about using Puffy-Xander for demonstrations, Regular-Xander balked noticeably. "Hey, I don't know about that one. Last time I suited up for duty, she almost killed me! I couldn't sit for a week!"  
  
Buffy punched him lightly on the shoulder. "Don't be such a wimp! It's for the greater good."  
  
"You know what the greater good means to me?" He rubbed his shoulder where she had punched him. Ow, Slayer strength. "Keeping all my Xander-bits intact."  
  
Buffy noticed the shoulder rubbing. "Did I hurt you? I didn't mean to. I barely touched you!"  
  
"Yeah, well, Exhibit A for no more Puffy-Xander." He grinned at her sheepishly. "Hey, why don't you ask Spike to help? You wouldn't be hurting him, and he can't even fight back."  
  
Buffy swallowed hard. One of these days, she'd have to bring her friends up to speed on the fact that Spike could fight back, with her at least. "Um, I dunno."  
  
"That's a great idea!" chirped Anya. "He wouldn't even have to be puffy at all, and you could really throw him around. Plus, once those women got a look at him, they'd sign up for class just to see him again. Can you imagine? Spike all sweaty…Hey, do vampires sweat? Maybe you could put him in a tank top or something. You know, show off those arms." Anya broke off as she caught Xander's glare. "Sorry."  
  
Buffy was also caught up in the vision of a sweaty Spike. Did he sweat? She couldn't remember. No tank top for her, though. She'd make him shirtless. Oh, Xander was staring at her. "I could ask him. He might not mind helping out."  
  
"Are you going to see him tonight?" asked Anya.  
  
Buffy blinked. Did they know? "What? I don't know. I see him in the cemetery sometimes. He does live there. It's not like I'm planning on meeting him or anything!" Oh God, did she sound too defensive? What was this, the Spanish Inquisition?  
  
Anya gave her a strange look. "Well, if you see him, then could you give him this for me?" She reached under the counter and came up with a large bag of Burba weed. "On the house. Not like he doesn't steal it anyway."  
  
Buffy reached out to take the bag, a puzzled expression on her face. "Why are you giving Spike gifts?"  
  
"It's just a thank you," said Anya. She reached out and put an arm around Xander. "For saving our relationship."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Spike fidgeted nervously. He'd really done it this time. The Slayer would stake him for sure if she found out he'd been telling Dawn about her money problems. "It's nothing, really. Nothin' to worry your pretty little head about."  
  
"Spike…" Dawn's voice held a warning note.  
  
Spike sighed. She'd never let it drop. "It's just gotta be hard for her, is all. She's got a lot on her plate right now. You know, paying the bills, keeping the house running, taking care of you, and worrying about Red. Not to mention being the Slayer on top of it all. It's a lot for one person to handle."  
  
"She's tired of taking care of me." Dawn's face was ashen, and her voice was trembling.  
  
"Aw, Nibblet." Spike put his arm around her and hugged her close. "No, don't say that. Buffy loves you, and you know it. She sacrificed everything to keep you safe."  
  
She looked up at him with teary eyes. "But, you said…"  
  
"I said no such thing." He stroked her hair softly. "I just meant that she worries about you. It's a big job, being responsible for another human being. She just worries about being a good mum to you, or if you're doing okay in school, that's all." He smiled at her. "Or if you're off running around with creatures of the night."  
  
Dawn elbowed him in the stomach, and the corners of her mouth turned up just a little bit. "God, it was one time! You'd think everyone would've forgotten about it by now."  
  
"Well, I've got a long memory." Spike tickled her under her chin, causing her to smile for real. "All I'm saying is, it's no picnic being a grown- up, and Buffy has a lot to deal with. So, maybe you can help her out by acting like an adult, instead of just wishing you were one."  
  
"Yeah," Dawn said softly, "I can do that."  
  
"Good. You're going to try and be more understanding about Red, right?" Dawn nodded. "And maybe you could help your sister around the house?" Another nod. "And you're going to keep those grades up? No cutting school? No getting into trouble?" Three more nods. "Ah, you're a good one, Bit." He hugged her close again.  
  
"I'm sorry that I was being a brat," she mumbled into his shoulder.  
  
Spike chuckled. "It's okay, Bit. You're a teenager—it's expected." She elbowed him again. "Just promise me one thing, okay? Be kind to your big sis. She's got it rough, and so do you. You need each other."  
  
"I promise," whispered Dawn.  
  
"Good." He let go of her and looked at her seriously. "One more thing. Buffy's probably going to have to get a job, in order to keep food on the table. It's not like being the Chosen One pays all that well. So, she might not be around as much, but I promise you that I will always be here for you. You can come over after school whenever you want, or, if it's okay with Buffy, I can go and hang out at your place."  
  
Dawn looked scared again. "How bad is it?"  
  
"Oh, it's not that bad. It's not like you're in danger of becoming homeless, but Giles' money won't last forever." He tried to keep his tone as light as possible. Spike knew that the money situation at the Summers house was much worse than he was making it seem, but he didn't want to worry Dawn. "I offered to help out, but, typical Buffy, she wants to do it all on her own."  
  
Dawn laughed. "Yeah, like you have any money!"  
  
"Hey!" He tried to act offended. "For all you know, I've got a Swiss bank account worth millions!"  
  
"Do you?" Dawn's eyes were wide.  
  
"Ah, no. But I could have!"  
  
She laughed again. "Uh huh."  
  
"Really, it's kinda rare to live for over a century and not amass some sort of fortune."  
  
"And, yet, you still managed to do it," Dawn said dryly.  
  
"Okay, that's enough." Spike was tired of looking like a useless idiot. "The point here is that Buffy's going to need your help. So, just be a good little girl and try to be understanding if she's not around as much. Okay?"  
  
"So, you're sure that I'm not going to be moving into a cardboard box any time soon?" Spike just scowled at her. "Okay, fine. I'll be good, I promise."  
  
"Thanks, Nibblet." He was somewhat relieve to have the conversation end. "Now, let's get you started on that homework. Shakespeare's not going to read itself!"  
  
"Oh!" Dawn jumped up to grab her backpack. "I'm almost finished. I read ahead last night and today during study hall. I only have about half of Act IV and all of Act V left."  
  
"Good for you, Bit!" Spike gave her a proud smile. "Maybe if you finish it today, we can rent the movie this weekend as a reward."  
  
"Really?" squealed Dawn. "The one with Leo?"  
  
Spike clutched his head and groaned.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy's mouth gaped open, and she stared at her friends in disbelief. What was going on here? Had she fallen into some sort of Bizzaro World? "What? Spike saved your relationship?"  
  
Xander patted Anya on the shoulder and gave her a rather condescending smile. "Anya, don't you think you're overstating it a bit?"  
  
"Not at all," said Anya. "If not for Spike, I would've dumped your sorry ass."  
  
"What?" chorused Xander and Buffy together. Xander looked even more shocked than Buffy did.  
  
"Well, I would have," said Anya stubbornly. "I won't stand for Anti- Demonism. Some of my best friends are demons, and I was one myself."  
  
Xander continued to stand there with a shocked expression on his face, and Buffy was growing more confused by the second. "Wait a minute! Why don't you start at the beginning? I have no idea what you guys are talking about."  
  
"It all started when Xander told me what you said to him in the training room the other day."  
  
Buffy gasped. "Anya, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean for you to know that. I just…I had some questions, is all."  
  
"No, it's okay, Buffy. Everything you said was right on, and I'm not offended in the least. Spike and I really are very much alike. "In fact," she shot a quick glance at Xander and leaned over to whisper conspiratorially, "I'm pretty sure that I don't have a soul either."  
  
"But, you're human!" protested Buffy.  
  
Anya looked over at Xander again. She hadn't told him this yet, and she didn't think he was quite ready to hear it. Luckily for her, he was still standing stock-still, frozen in his shock over the news that she would have actually left him. She continued whispering to Buffy. "Yes, but when I originally became a demon, my human soul was banished to the ether. When D'Hoffryn took away my powers and left me in my human guise, I highly doubt that he took the time to call my original soul back. Most likely, I'm every bit as soulless as Spike."  
  
"Wow," said Buffy. "I didn't know."  
  
"What do you mean you would have dumped me?" Xander had finally found his voice.  
  
"Just what I said. If you hadn't been able to get over this whole soulless demon thing, then I would've dropped you like ton of books."  
  
"Bricks," said Xander absentmindedly.  
  
"What?" asked Anya.  
  
"It's a ton of bricks, not a ton of books."  
  
"Are you sure? Why can't it just be a ton of anything?"  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Never mind, you guys. Get to the part about Spike saving your relationship."  
  
"Oh, right." Xander still looked slightly dazed. "An and I had a big fight about it, what you'd said, and she screamed at me to get my demon- hating ass out of her sight. So, I went to the Bronze to blow off steam."  
  
"And drink yourself silly," chimed in Anya.  
  
"Right. Anyway, Spike was there, and we got to talking."  
  
"Why was Spike there?" asked Buffy.  
  
"Same reason I was," replied Xander. "He was chasing down a drunken stupor at top speed. Said that he had woman troubles. Though, what kind of a crazy psycho would date him in the first place, I have no idea."  
  
Buffy could feel herself blush furiously, and she caught Anya looking at her suspiciously. This was no time to blow her cover. "Yeah, she must be a real nut-job." She gave what she thought was an unconvincing little laugh. "So, what did you guys talk about?"  
  
"Well, we traded insults for a while, as would be expected."  
  
"And," prompted Buffy.  
  
Xander sighed and glanced over at Anya before replying. "Okay, I'm not exactly proud of this, but it was really bugging me, and I had to ask someone. So, I just figured that Spike would be the best person to ask."  
  
"Ask what?" Buffy was quickly becoming impatient with the snail's pace that Xander was setting.  
  
Xander sighed again, and Anya spoke up to reassure him. "It's okay, honey."  
  
"I asked Spike if he thought that Anya was evil," he said quietly.  
  
Buffy's mouth felt very dry, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to hear Spike's answer to that question. "What did he say?"  
  
"Well, first he called me a rude name, but I didn't really know what it meant. Who the hell can understand what ever whacked-out language that guy speaks, anyway?"  
  
"That would be English, honey," Anya offered helpfully.  
  
Buffy ground her teeth together in frustration. "Okay, he called you a name. Then what?"  
  
"Basically, he just said that Anya wasn't evil."  
  
"That's it?" shrieked Buffy. "That's all he said?"  
  
"Well that's not all he said. It was a lot more complicated than that. He actually had this big, long argument for all the reasons why she's not evil. You know, if he weren't undead, he'd make a hell of a lawyer."  
  
Buffy honestly felt like she wasn't getting what she needed out of this conversation. "Xander, would you mind possibly expanding on some of those reasons? I'd really like to know exactly what he said." She looked over at Anya. "Not that I need convincing, or anything. I know you're not evil."  
  
"Good to know," said Anya.  
  
If Xander had known there'd be a pop quiz on his conversation with Spike, he would've taken notes. "Basically, it boiled down to a few key points. The first of which being that it doesn't matter what Anya used to be like in her demon days. All that matters is the way she is now, and Anya hasn't done a single evil thing in all the time I've known her. Well, not after she got her powers taken away, at least. Except for that time she was going to let the vamps eat Willow." He suddenly looked uncertain.  
  
"Hey!" protested Anya. "I was upset at the time! Besides, she totally lied to me. Like I'd really fall for her phony vampire routine!"  
  
"Not actually helping, Anya." Xander took a deep breath and continued. "Okay, the second big point was that you don't need super powers to be evil. He pointed out that there are a lot of regular people who are evil and don't have any powers at all. If Anya really wanted to be evil, she wouldn't need to be a vengeance demon to do it."  
  
"Spike said that?" asked Buffy. "Wow, that actually makes sense."  
  
"I know," agreed Xander. "Shocked the shit out of me, too!"  
  
"What else did he say?"  
  
Xander thought for a moment. "Oh, he said that I had a good woman at home," he smiled at Anya, "who loved me, and that I shouldn't look for reasons to screw it up. I believe his exact words were, 'Life's too bloody short.' That's about all I got."  
  
Anya spoke up. "That's not all, Xander. You forgot the part where you said that he's not evil, either."  
  
"You said that?" Buffy was a little stunned. Out of all her friends, Xander was the one who hated Spike the most. He was the one that always insisted that Spike was evil.  
  
Xander looked embarrassed. "Well, yeah. I mean, he was making this big deal out of how you don't need super powers to be evil, so I just kinda pointed out that he wasn't exactly doing much evil himself these days. According to his logic, the fact that he can't bite people anymore shouldn't stop him from being all Evil Overlord and stuff. So, by his own definition, he's really not all that evil anymore."  
  
"Xander…wow…that's…" Buffy couldn't find the words she was looking for. It seemed like Xander had single-handedly answered all of the questions she'd been having lately.  
  
"Deep, I know." Xander laughed. "He even said that I should tell you that, then maybe you'd quit decking him so much. But I told him that you probably already knew that."  
  
"You what?"  
  
"Well, you were the one that put all those ideas in my head in the first place. You know, about Anya and Spike being alike. I can't really decide that Anya's not evil and keep insisting that Spike is."  
  
Anya decided to speak up again. "Xander, tell her about the…" She made a staking motion with her hand.  
  
"Oh, right. This is the weirdest part. You've never going to believe this!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
  
"Spike, I don't understand this line!"  
  
Spike looked up from pouring a cup of blood. "Read it out loud, Nibblet." He reached into his bag of Burba weed and crumbled some on top of his lunch.  
  
Dawn read the line out loud, stumbling badly over the unfamiliar words. "I can't do this!"  
  
"Remember what I told you?" He tied the bag of Burba weed shut and noticed with dismay that he was running pretty low. Time to nick another bag from Anya.  
  
"What? That it's much easier, not to mention faster, to watch the movie?"  
  
"Ha, ha, smartass," Spike retorted dryly. "No, find the rhythm."  
  
Dawn wrinkled up her nose. "But I feel stupid doing it that way!"  
  
Spike took a sip of his spicy blood. "Hey, you may feel stupid, but at least you'll understand the line."  
  
"Why don't you just tell me what it means?" pleaded Dawn. "I know you know. You know the whole stupid play!"  
  
"Find the rhythm!" commanded Spike.  
  
"Show me how it goes, again."  
  
Spike sighed and began to pound out the rhythm on the table in front of him, calling out as he did. "Ba bump, badda bump, badda bump bump bump."  
  
After he'd repeated it twice, Dawn joined in, tapping the same rhythm out on her leg. She recited the line again, this time to the beat that they were pounding out. "I've got it! Now, it makes sense. Thanks, Spike!"  
  
"My pleasure, Bit." He took another sip of his drink. "Just try to remember it next time. It really does help. If my memory serves, you must be in Act V, scene ii. Looks like we're going to be renting that video, after all."  
  
"Yep, I'm almost done!" Dawn smiled proudly. "Do you wanna watch it tomorrow night?"  
  
"Sounds good. Not like my date book is all filled up, or anything."  
  
"We can make popcorn and have hot chocolate. I think we've got some marshmallows for you." She thought for a moment. "Hey, maybe we can get Buffy to watch it with us! You are gonna get the one with Leo, right?"  
  
Spike winced. "Bit, we've been over this. I absolutely refuse to sit back and watch that prancing poof butcher Shakespeare's poetry! That bird who plays Juliet's not much better either, with her sodding valley girl accent."  
  
Dawn rolled her eyes. She'd heard this exact same tirade once already. "So, what are we going to get then?"  
  
"We, my Sweet Bit, are going to watch a real work of art, directed by a true Italian auteur! I know where I can get my hands on a copy of Franco Zeffirelli's 1968 classic, Romeo and Juliet!" He was grinning from ear to ear. "Wait 'till you sit it, Bit! It's the best filmed version ever done! You'll love it!"  
  
She rolled her eyes at him again. It was almost funny to see Spike, former scary villain, going on and on about some stupid old movie. "It's not in black and white, is it?"  
  
Spike clutched his head and groaned. "Bloody teenagers!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Okay," continued Xander, "you might want to be sitting down for this. This is big news! Shocking, really."  
  
"Xander!" Buffy was really getting tired of the way Xander had to drag everything out.  
  
"Okay, okay, hold your horses. So, I thanked Spike for his help and got up to leave. At the last second, I decided to stop off in the bathroom. Well, I'm leaving the bathroom, and what do I see? Spike, staking a vamp. Right there in the Bronze! Can you believe it? He didn't even know I was there, but he did it anyway."  
  
"Wait, he just walked up to a vamp, in the middle of the Bronze, and staked him for no reason?" Buffy found it unlikely that Spike would be so blatant.  
  
"No, the vamp had some girl cornered and was about to take a big bite."  
  
"So, Spike saved the girl's life?" Buffy didn't know what to make of that. "You saw the whole thing?"  
  
"Yep," said Xander, "but like I said, he didn't even know I was there. He just walked up to the guy, staked him and walked out. The whole thing was surreal. What do you think it means?"  
  
"I can tell you what it means," said Anya. "It means that Spike is a hero. He's one of us."  
  
Xander looked skeptical. "I don't know if I'd go that far, An. I mean, Spike still an ev—a vampire."  
  
"Yes, but he's a good vampire, like Angel," reasoned Anya.  
  
"Angel has a soul. It's totally different," argued Xander.  
  
Anya shot him a glare of death. "A soul doesn't make that much of a difference! It's time you realized that!"  
  
"Anya!" Buffy shook her head and mouthed the words, "Not now."  
  
Thankfully, Anya got the point. She decided to switch subjects. "You know what this means, Buffy? You can date him if you want to! Xander's officially certified Spike as 'not evil.' You should just go jump his bones right now! It's not like he can lose his soul or anything."  
  
Xander looked like he was choking. "Great Caesar's Ghost! Anya, just because the guy's not entirely evil, doesn't mean it's okay for him to start dating our friends! Are you nuts! No, no way! Buffy is not dating Spike!"  
  
Anya rolled her eyes. "Here we go again! I should've known that you'll never change! You are prejudiced against demons!"  
  
"Not all demons! Just Spike!"  
  
"Buffy, tell him—"  
  
"Uh, you know what, guys?" Buffy really didn't want to be around to witness a fight. She had a lot to think about. "I, ah, really need to get going now. Dawn's gonna be home soon." Anya and Xander were shouting at each other, and didn't appear to hear her. "Um, Anya, I'll get to work on the whole self-defense thing. Xander, I'll call you tomorrow." Slowly, she began backing out of the store. "'Night, guys! See ya later!" Buffy turned tail and bolted out of the shop. 


	20. The Pizza

If Not Wisely

Chapter 20:  The Pizza    

Spoilers:  Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.

Rating:  R for swearing and some sexual situations.

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

Feedback:  Would be highly appreciated.  This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I would like to know how I am doing.  Constructive criticism is welcome.

Distribution:  So far, just here.  If anyone wants it, just let me know.

Summary:  Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.

A/N:  Okay, here's the next chapter.  I know it seemed like forever since the last two were up so fast, but, what can I say, I'm a slacker.  Anyway, I know that I promised some people that this chapter would include Buffy and Dawn and Buffy and Spike, but Buffy and Dawn just wouldn't shut the hell up!  I was forced to allot more space for them  So, the next one will be all Buffy and Spike.  Thanks to everyone for the great reviews!  It really means a lot to me.  Hope everyone enjoys the next chapter.  Let me know what you think.  

*********************************************************************************************

Buffy shut the door quickly on the pizza delivery boy.  She had written the check out for the exact amount, and she really didn't want to see the poor kid's face when he figured out that he wasn't getting a tip.  Hey, she figured that she needed it more than he did.  "Dawn!  Pizza's here!  We got free breadsticks!"  She walked carefully into the kitchen, balancing the precariously high pile of food.  

Dawn came bounding down the stairs.  "Thank God!  I am starving!"  She rushed into the kitchen and immediately dived for the food.  "Free breadsticks!  Awesome!"  Tearing the bag open, she began to rapidly devour a stick.

"Jeez, you'd think you haven't eaten in a month!"  Buffy found the fact that her sister could stay so skinny, despite eating like a pro-linebacker, to be the ultimate injustice.  Not that Buffy was fat, by any means, but she didn't eat one fourth of the crap that Dawn did.  "Use a plate!  Were you raised by wolves?"

Dawn, who was working on her first piece of pizza, sans plate, grunted around a mouthful of pepperoni.  She took the plate her sister was holding out and delicately placed the already half-eaten slice of pizza down.  "Sorry, I'm just really hungry.  Spike ran out of snacks, so I didn't eat anything after school."

Buffy helped herself to a piece of pizza.  "You're always hungry!  How you can eat like that, I'll never know.  You're really lucky that you're not fat!"

"Hey, I'm a growing girl!  Besides, I have a fast metabolism."  She reached for another breadstick.  "We got anything to drink?"

"Yep."  Buffy got up and grabbed the six-pack of soda that she had ordered with the pizza.  She held out a can to her sister.  "I got you Sprite.  I know you like it."

Dawn bit her lip and refrained from telling her sister that she liked Mountain Dew, not Sprite.  She had promised Spike that she would act like an adult and be nice to her sister.  Bratting off about soda did not satisfy either objective.  "Thanks."  She took the soda without any complaint and cracked it open.  

"No problem."  Buffy had been hoping that Dawn might've shown a little more gratitude for the Sprite.  She liked Diet Coke, herself, and she had gotten Sprite specifically to make Dawn happy.  Had she been that ungrateful when she was that age?  Probably.  Buffy took a can for herself and noticed that Dawn was looking at her with a worried expression on her face.  "What?"

"Um, Buffy, the pizza is great, and the soda too, but can we afford this?"

Buffy laughed.  "Dawn, it's pizza, not prime rib!  I don't think that it'll break us."  In reality, she probably had spent more than they could afford right then, but she was still on a high from her new money-making plan and had decided to throw caution to the wind.

Dawn still looked worried.  "Yeah, but we're broke, right?"

"Who told you that?"  The question had taken Buffy by surprise.  She hadn't thought that Dawn had a clue about their money problems.

Dawn fidgeted and looked nervous.  "No one had to tell me.  It's just something that I figured out for myself.  You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see that we have no viable source of income.  What was left of Mom's money ran out a long time ago, and that check from Giles was big, but not that big."

Buffy smiled sadly at her little sister.  "Sometimes, I forget how grown up you're getting."

"Yeah, about that, I've been thinking.  There's this kid in my Algebra class who works at the pretzel stand in the mall.  He has, like, a work permit or something.  So, maybe, I could, ah, get one of those, too.  I can probably get a job somewhere in the mall.  What do you think?"

"You want to get a job?"

"Yeah."  Dawn helped herself to another slice of pizza.

"Why?"

"You know, to help out.  I know that I wouldn't get paid that much, but it's gotta be better than nothing.  Right?"  She looked hopeful.

Buffy thought she might cry.  Was she that horrible as a parent that her fifteen year-old sister thought she had to get a job to keep the household running?  "Dawnie, you don't have to do that."

Dawn was trying her hardest to appear casual.  She didn't want Buffy to know how worried she was about their money situation.  "I know I don't have to, but I want to."  She thought that her sister looked to be on the verge of tears.  "Buffy, I just wanna help out, pull my own weight.  Maybe make things a little easier for you."

"No."  Buffy shook her head firmly.  "No, you are not getting a job.  Dawnie, you're a kid.  Your job is going to school.  I'm the adult here, and I can take care of both of us."

Dawn looked down and played with the silver tab on her soda can.  She didn't want to make her sister mad, she was just trying to be helpful.  "Okay, fine.  It was just an idea.  I know that you can take care of us.  It's just…are you gonna get a job, then?"

Buffy sighed.  This wasn't exactly how she had planned on telling Dawn the good news, but it looked like she was out of options.  "Well, I have a plan.  I was going to wait to tell you until I had more details, but I might as well just tell you now.  On Monday, I start work at the Magic Box."  She caught sight of the horrified look on Dawn's face.  "No, I'm not gonna be waiting on customers.  Just helping out with inventory and stuff.   Here's the best part.  Anya and I are working out a way that I can give self-defense classes in the training room.  She's going to let me keep most of the profits and everything.  So, in a couple of months, once things get off the ground, we'll be rolling in money.  Hopefully.  Not that this is like a get-rich-quick kind of thing, 'cause it's not.  I mean, I know that it's going to take a long time, and a lot of hard work, before we start showing any kind of profit.  At least until that happens, I'll  have a regular paycheck.  So, don't worry.  We're not going to starve.  And you don't have to get a job.  Maybe when you're a little older, if you want some extra spending money or something, then yeah, but not now.  Okay?"

There was a moment of absolute silence where Dawn sat open-mouthed and staring, and Buffy caught her breath.  A ramble like that required a lot of oxygen.  Suddenly, the silence was broken.  "Oh my God!" shrieked Dawn at an ear-splitting decibel.  She sprang from her chair and threw herself at her sister, knocking her plate, pizza and all, to the floor in the process.  

Buffy made a slight choking noise as all the air was forced from her lungs.  Dawn was practically sitting in her lap, and her arms were wound tightly around her neck. "Um, this is a good thing, right?"

Dawn laughed and released her death grip.  Pulling back slightly, she grinned at her sister.  "Buffy, this is fantastic!  This is so perfect!  It's like the best thing you could possibly do!  I am so happy for you, and I know you can make it work!"  She planted a big kiss on Buffy's temple, before retrieving her pizza from the floor and returning to her seat.  

Buffy watched in horror, as her sister proceeded to brush off her slice of pizza and cram the remainder into her mouth.  Well, at least she had scrubbed the floor that day.  Apparently, it really was clean enough to eat off of.

Dawn caught Buffy's horrified look and gave her a sheepish grin.  "Hey, I'm not wasting good food!  So, tell me all about it.  What do you have to do?   How did you come up with the idea?"

"I have a million and one things to do.  Anya started making a list, and it is, like, a mile long.  I am so glad that I took the idea to her instead of trying to do it by myself.  She definitely has a head for business, and, with her on my team, there's no way it can fail."  She took a sip of her soda, stalling for time.  "As for the idea, well, that was courtesy of Spike."

Dawn's eyes got big.  "Really?"

"Yep, really.  We were just talking about what kind of job I would be good at, and that's what he came up with.  Well, it was either that, or professional wrestling."  She smiled, remembering Spike's idea for a stage name.  Her smile widened, as she remembered that's Spike's other idea had been stripping.  Best not mention that to Dawn.  Oh, oh, Dawn was looking at her strangely.  What now?

"Oh, cool," was all Dawn said.  She took yet another piece of pizza.  "So, what kind of stuff was on the list?"

For the next ten minutes or so, Buffy rambled on about the Karate school, taxes and insurance.  She told Dawn about the fliers, and the women's groups and the lectures.  She went through the pros and cons of demonstrations and Puffy-Xander.  Through it all, Dawn sat transfixed.  She appeared to be hanging on every word, and Buffy could feel her own excitement growing.  She just might be able to pull it off.

By the time that Buffy had finished,  Dawn had eaten far more pizza than any normal fifteen year-old should've been able to.  "This is so exciting!  I can help out, you know, with the classes.  I could hand out little cups of water, during breaks.  Ooh, we could print up tee-shirts and stuff."  She drained her second can of soda.  "I can go talk to that guy at the Karate school if you want.  I'm a much better liar than you, and I'd take really good notes.  What do you think?  Hey, do we have anything for dessert?"

Buffy beamed at her little sister.  "I would love it if you would help, Dawn.  It could be something that we can do together.  Like a Summers family business.  You sure you want to help?  It's not going to be all fun and games."  Dawn nodded.  "Good, there's nothing I'd like better.  That will mean that we can spend more time together.  As for dessert, I think you're out of luck on that one.  Unless, you want a frozen waffle, sans syrup, or a handful of mini-marshmallows."

"I think I'll pass on that one."  She shuddered.  "Ick, monkey brains."

Buffy laughed.  "I never should've told you that!  The good news is that I'm going grocery shopping tomorrow.  So, write down anything that you really want me to get.  Oh, that reminds me, I forgot to ask Xander if he can give me a ride."  She was halfway to the phone, when she stopped and smacked herself on the forehead.  "I forgot to tell them about Willow!  God, I am the worst friend ever."

"Buffy, don't be so hard on yourself.  You were just excited about the self-defense classes."  The last thing that Dawn wanted was to see her sister's good mood disappear.

"That's true.  Plus, all the screaming and yelling didn't really help."  She picked up the phone and began to dial.

"What?"

Buffy held up a finger as the phone began to ring.  The answering machine picked up on the second ring, and she left a short message asking Xander if he could give her a ride the next day, and letting them know that Willow had moved home for a while.  She said that they should give her a day or so to cool off and then maybe call and see how she was doing.  She finished by telling Anya that she would talk to her soon about their new plans.  Hanging up the phone, she turned to her sister.  "They're probably still at the Magic Box fighting."

"What's going on?" Dawn wanted to know.

Buffy waved a hand dismissively.  "Oh, you know them.  Just more of the same.  Anya's upset because Xander is anti-demon, and Xander's upset because he had to admit that Spike might not be completely evil."

"Xander admitted what?"  The shock was evident on Dawn's face.

"I know," said Buffy.  "Pretty big, huh?"

"Pretty big?  _Pretty_ big?  Try, earth-shattering.  I need details!"

"Okay, here's what I know.  Xander and Anya got in a fight, because of the anti-demon stuff.  Well, that, and that fact that Xander was afraid that Anya might be evil.  Anyway, Xander went to the Bronze to blow off steam and ran into Spike.  I guess they got to talking, and Spike convinced him that Anya wasn't evil.  So, Xander got to thinking, and decided that if Anya wasn't evil, then Spike really wasn't either."

Dawn looked confused.  "Wait, how did he make that leap?"

"From what I can tell, all the reasons why Anya wasn't evil, applied to Spike as well.  I guess Xander just thought it would be hypocritical to keep insisting that Spike was evil."

"So, why did he think Anya was evil in the first place?  I mean, she may be a little blunt at times, but I'd hardly call her evil."

Buffy hastily began gathering up the pizza remains and avoided looking at her sister.  "Well, I kinda said something to him the other night," she mumbled.

"What?" shrieked Dawn.  "You told him that Anya was evil?"

"No, not exactly."  She tried to stuff the pizza box in the garbage can, but only succeeded in showering her newly clean kitchen floor with crumbs.  "Damn!"  She shoved even harder, and the cardboard box was crushed under her Slayer strength.  She gave a satisfied smile and turned to her sister.  "You wanna save those breadsticks?"

"Quit changing the subject!  What did you say to Xander?"

"I'm not!"  Buffy hurried to the table and grabbed the remaining breadsticks.  "It's just…Okay, I didn't say that Anya was evil.  More like, I just pointed out how much she and Spike are alike.  You know, they're kind of in the same situation, former Big Bad, stuck with no powers...or bite, whatever."  She rummaged in a drawer and came up with a roll of tin foil.  "I'm gonna wrap these up."

 Dawn looked thoughtful.  "Hmm, you've got a point about Spike and Anya.  I've never looked at it that way before.  Why'd you bring it up, though?  I'll bet Xander was pissed!"

"Was he ever!  Pissed doesn't even begin to describe it."

"So, why'd ya say it?"

"I don't know.  I really wasn't trying to say that Anya was evil.  I was just, I don't know, maybe trying to figure out if Spike was.  Evil, I mean." 

"Really?"  The smirk was already starting to form at the corners of Dawn's mouth.  "What brought this about?"

"Dawnie, stop smirking.  God, I hate it when you do that."  Buffy sat back down at the table and ran her fingers through her hair.  "Okay, it's kind of a long story.  You probably don't remember what Spike was like before.  Back when he first came to town, I was always trying really hard to shield you from stuff like that.  Hell, back then, Mom didn't even know what I was up to.  Anyway, he was bad, Dawnie, really bad.  Spike killed two Slayers, and he was proud of it.  He had quite a reputation, even Angel said he was bad news.  He had two goals in life, make Drusilla healthy again, and kill me.  He almost did.  God, he came really close a couple of times.  If Mom hadn't hit him with that axe, well, I would've been dead." Buffy smiled at the memory. 

"Mom hit Spike with an axe?"

"Yeah, you shoulda seen her.  'Get the hell away from my daughter!'  She was one tough lady."

"Yeah."  Dawn smiled sadly.  "She was."

Buffy could feel her eyes getting misty, and decided to steer the conversation away from their mother.  "My point is, Spike was one bad dude.  I was probably more scared of him than I'd ever been of anybody except the Master.  Well, and Glory, because she threatened you."  She gave a little laugh.  "I keep getting off track.  Spike did a lot of bad things, Dawnie.  I know that you don't like to think about it, but it's true."

"Even after he got the chip, Spike wasn't exactly a good guy.  Sure, he helped us once in a while, but only in exchange for blood or money.  Before he found out that he could fight demons, he needed us for protection.  He was really just looking out for himself.  There were many times that he actually worked against us."

"But Spike is different now!" protested Dawn.

"I know that, Dawnie.  I'm just trying to explain why sometimes it's hard for me, for all of us really, to think of Spike as being anything other than an enemy."  Buffy could tell that her sister still wasn't understanding.  "Look, just because he appears to have changed, that doesn't mean that we can forgive and forget all of the bad things he's done."

"Yeah, but you forgave Angel, and he was much worse than Spike.  He killed Miss Calander, and he tortured Giles!  How could you just forgive that?"

Buffy found herself immediately on the defensive.  "This has nothing to do with Angel!  Besides, that wasn't even Angel, it was Angelus.  He didn't have a soul; he couldn't help it."

Dawn snorted.  "Oh, that is such a crock of shit, and you know it!  Angel and Angelus _are_ the same person!  The only difference is that Angelus didn't have a conscience to hold him back!  Do you even listen to yourself?  'He didn't have a _soul_; he couldn't_ help _it!'  Please!  Spike doesn't have a soul either, and he can help himself!  He can still choose to do good things, and he can still choose to love and care about me!"

"Dawn!"  Buffy voice was hard.  "We are not talking about Angel!  That's not the topic at hand, and I refuse to even discuss it with you!  You have no idea what you're talking about.  You have no idea what it was like."

Dawn was instantly contrite.  "I'm sorry.  You're right; I don't know.  I just get so mad that everyone seems to have a double standard where Spike is concerned.  He's done so much to help me, to help all of us, and no one ever gives him any credit."

Buffy sighed; the anger was gone.  "I know, Dawn.  I know how much he's done, and I can see how much he's changed.  That's what brought all of this about in the first place.  Look, I know we got really far off track here, but I was just trying to explain to you why it's hard sometimes to accept the fact that Spike's not really evil anymore.  I guess that I've been trying to find a way to prove that, and that's why I brought it up to Xander.  Can you understand that?"

"Yes, I do."  She got up to give Buffy a hug.  "I'm sorry that I brought up Angel.  I know it's a touchy subject."

Buffy hugged her back.  "It's okay.  You actually did have a pretty good point, even if I do refuse to think about it."

Dawn smiled.  "Hey, if you wanted to know whether or not Spike was evil, the you shoulda just asked me.  Anyone, vampire or not, who helps a hormonal teenager read and understand Shakespeare and watches _The Great Pumpkin_ every Halloween can't possibly be evil.  I think that's, like, a fact or something."

"Is that so?"  Buffy smiled back at her sister.

"Yep!"  Dawn giggled, and then got serious.  "Buffy, I'm really sorry that I upset you.  It was great seeing you happy before.  I hate to be the one to change that."

"Oh, Dawnie."  She pulled her sister close for another hug.  "I know I've been acting strange since I got back.  It must be so hard for you, having this zombie walking around who looks just like your sister.  I promise, things will get better.  I'll try harder; I swear, I will."

Dawn hugged her big sister for all she was worth.  She could feel the tears welling in her eyes and the lump growing in her throat.  It was difficult to speak.  "I know," she whispered.  "It already is getting better.  I'll try harder, too.  I promise."

They stayed that way for a while, hugging each other and trying to choke back sobs.  Finally, Buffy let go and pulled back to wipe her eyes.  "Aren't we a couple of sad sacks?  Come on, let's get the rest of this mess cleaned up.  I need to patrol in a little bit."  She needed to see Spike.  So many things had happened in the past day, and there were so many things that she wanted to say to him.

"Okay."  Dawn picked up their plates and carried them to the sink.  "Hey," she called over her shoulder, "I finished _Romeo and Juliet_ tonight." 

"Good for you!  That didn't take too long."

"I know, Spike's been a really big help.  I swear, if it weren't for him, I never would've understood a single word!"

"That's great, Dawn.  I'm glad that Spike could help you.  God knows, I wouldn't have been any help.  You wanna know how to beat someone up?  I'm the one to talk to.  You have to read a four hundred year-old play?  You'd better find someone else!"

Dawn laughed.  "I'll keep that in mind.  Anyway, Spike said that he'd rent the movie for me, as a reward for working so hard.  So, is it okay if he comes over tomorrow night to watch it?"

Buffy, who was wiping off the kitchen table, paused mid-wipe.  She bit her lip.  _Was_ it okay?  Could she have Spike in her house for an entire evening without jumping his sexy, undead bones?  Well, he _had_ issued a moratorium on the hanky-panky.  "Um, sure.  I don't see a problem with that."

"Cool!  Maybe you could watch it with us?"  _ Like a family_, she silently added to herself.  Buffy looked doubtful, so she added, "We could make popcorn and have hot chocolate.  It'll be fun!"

Buffy didn't need much convincing.  She wanted to spend an evening with Spike more that just about anything.  She just hoped she could keep her hands to herself.  "Sure, why not?  I guess it won't kill me to stay home on a Saturday night and absorb some culture.  He's gonna get the one with Leo, right?"

Dawn rolled her eyes.  "No!  He was raving on and on about some Franco-American guy.  No, wait, that's spaghetti, right?  Maybe it was Fred Zeppelin?  I can't remember.  Anyway, he's got some kind of a grudge against Leo.  Says this other movie is _art_.  If you can believe it."

Buffy couldn't help but grin.  "Dawnie, when it comes to Spike, I'll believe just about anything.  This movie's not in black and white, is it?"


	21. The Talk

If Not Wisely

Chapter 21:  The Talk    

Spoilers:  Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.

Rating:  R for swearing and some sexual situations.

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

Feedback:  Would be highly appreciated.  This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I would like to know how I am doing.  Constructive criticism is welcome.

Distribution:  So far, just here.  If anyone wants it, just let me know.

Summary:  Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.

A/N:  Hot off the presses!  Buffy goes to Spike's crypt to talk about the relationship.  Thanks to everyone who left such nice reviews.  I'll be out of town again this weekend, so the next chapter probably won't be up until Tuesday or Wednesday of next week.  Enjoy the chapter, and let me know what you think.  Thanks! 

*********************************************************************************************

Buffy paused outside the door of Spike's crypt.  She was nervous, and she had the sweaty palms and heart palpitations to prove it.  On the way there, she had mentally rehearsed what she was going to say over and over, yet, she was still unsure.  How does one tell a formerly evil, blood-sucking creature of the night that it might be possible, someday, to love him?  That was the conclusion that Buffy had come to.  She had decided to stop fighting her feelings, and open herself up to the possibility of loving Spike.  She hadn't gotten to that point yet, and it might take a while before she did, but she owed it to herself to find out.

She took a deep breath and pushed open the crypt door.  The interior was dark, the only light came from the old television set.  Spike sat in the ratty arm-chair directly in front of the glowing box.  His posture was relaxed, and he was smoking a cigarette.  Buffy took a moment just to look at him.  He looked beautiful bathed in the eerie blue light, and she wanted nothing more than to run to him and cover his face with kisses.  Instead, she took another deep breath and tried to calm herself.  They were going to do this right.

"Evenin', Slayer."  Spike did not take his eyes off the television.  He didn't need to.  He knew it was her as surely as he knew that she'd been standing outside the door for a full five minutes before she'd come in.  

"Hey."  Buffy crossed the crypt and went to perch on the arm of his chair.  "Whatcha watchin'?"

"_Blind Date_."  He still did not look at her.  Spike didn't know what to make of her earlier hesitation.  For all he knew, she had come to call the whole thing off.  The last thing he wanted to do, was let her see the hope in his eyes.  Not until he knew her motivation for coming to see him.

Buffy felt her nervousness grow.  Why wouldn't he look at her?  She had thought that he'd be happier to see her.  Was she making a mistake?  She forced herself to ignore the fact that her stomach was contorting like a Chinese acrobat, and tried to sound casual.  "How can you watch this crap?  The people who go on this show are total idiots!"

Spike chuckled.  "I know, that's why I watch. To make fun of the idiots.  This crazy bint just offered to give the meathead a rub down.  I predict that they'll be naked in a hot tub before the program ends."

Buffy giggled and leaned into him a bit.  She was acutely aware of all the places where their bodies touched.  "Think they'll make the hall of shame?"

"I give 'em even odds."

They sat for a while, watching the show and making fun of the people. Buffy wasn't sure what to do with her hands.  Every fiber of her being was screaming out to touch him, but she thought it was too soon.  She ended up putting her hands in her jacket pockets, and she brushed up against the bag of Burba weed.  Buffy took it out of her pocket and held it up in front of him.  "Brought ya something."

"What's this?" asked Spike taking the bag from her and examining it closely.

"It's Burba weed.  For your blood."  She took off her jacket and tossed over onto the couch.

"I can see that.  What I mean is, why are you giving it to me?  Is today some kind of gift-giving holiday that I'm not aware of?"

"Oh, no, it's not from me."  Buffy was embarrassed.  He'd actually thought that she was giving him a gift.  It made her feel bad that she'd never once considered getting Spike a gift of any kind.  "Actually, it's from Anya.  A thank you gift."

"Thanks for what?"

"For saving her relationship with Xander."

Spike laughed.  "Did she actually say that?"

"Yep.  She also said that she knew you'd just steal the stuff anyway."

"Ah, she knows me too well."  Spike risked a glance a Buffy and saw that she was smiling.  She was beautiful when she smiled.  He wanted to kiss her, but knew he shouldn't.  "Well, that was right nice of her.  I was almost out.  Thanks for bringing it by."

"No problem."  She shot him another smile.  "I was coming over anyway."

He wanted to ask why.  He wanted to know what she was doing there and why it had taken her so long to work up the courage to come in.  She had mentioned something about patrol earlier that day, but she didn't seem like she was thinking about slaying.  She certainly wasn't dressed for it.  Buffy had on a short, black skirt and some sort of strappy, backless top that was driving him crazy.  He wanted to know if she was there to fuck him senseless, proclaim her undying love or banish him from her life once and for all.  But he couldn't ask her any of those things, not when he wasn't sure of the answer.  All he could say was, "Oh, good, then."

Buffy nervously picked at a loose thread in the fabric of the arm chair.  What had happened to her talkative Spike?  Why was he suddenly so quiet?  It looked like it was up to her to get the conversational ball rolling.  She took another deep breath, before plunging in.  "So, I heard what you said to Xander."

He turned to her, one eyebrow raised.  "Yeah?"

"Yeah, and I, uh, thought it was pretty great."

"You did?"

"Yeah, I did.  It was really nice of you to reassure him like that.  You know, considering that you guys aren't exactly friends."

Spike snorted.  "Wasn't trying to be nice.  I was just tellin' it like it is.  It really brasses me off that you Scoobs have such a narrow view of the world.  I was just trying to expand his a bit, is all."

"Oh, so that's all, than?  You don't really care either way?"

Buffy was looking at him with such pleading in her eyes that Spike decided to let his tough-guy routine rest a little.  She wanted him to care, needed him to care.  He sighed.  It wasn't easy admitting stuff like that.  "Okay, so maybe I wanted to see someone get a happy ending.  Doesn't  happen too much around here.  Besides, the Whelp's not such a bad kid, even if he is a moron.  He did buy me a couple of pints.  Guess maybe I just thought he deserved to be happy.  Stop lettin' all the little stuff get to him."

"Are you?" asked Buffy suddenly, before she could stop herself.

"Am I what?"

"Happy."

"Can't say as I am."  He caught the stricken look on Buffy's face.  "Sometimes, maybe.  When the Nibblet smiles at me, or when _Passions_ comes on, or when they brought that onion thing back at the Bronze."  He paused for a moment, but couldn't bring himself to look at her.  When he spoke again, his voice was softer.  "Or when I first saw you coming down the stairs that time with your knuckles all bruised and bleeding.   Yeah, once in a while, I am happy.  But, as a whole, no."

Buffy had her head down again, picking at the loose thread.  "I'm sorry," she whispered.  And she was.  She was sorry for a lot of things, but mostly because she'd asked that question.

"Are you?"

"Happy?"

"Yeah."

"No, but I could be.  I really think I could be…happy…with you."  She brought her head up on the final word and finally met his eyes.  What she saw there was a mixture of shock, confusion, disbelief, hope and love.

It was a struggle for Spike to find his voice.  He didn't know what to say, and he was afraid that he might be in the middle of another crazy dream.  "Would you, uh, mind repeatin' that, luv?"

Buffy swallowed hard.  This was even scarier than she'd imagined.  She finally gave in and reached for his hand.  "Spike, I've been thinking about this a lot.  I can't run from it any more.  There _is_ something between us, and I want to find out what it is.  I _am _happy when I'm with you, Spike.  I feel better, more complete, I feel alive, and I want to keep feeling that way.  I think we could  have something really special.  The question is, do you think that you could be happy…with me?"  

Spike had been fighting to keep his swirling mess of emotions at bay, at least until he knew for sure what she was saying, but he couldn't hold back any longer.  He reached for her, pulling her into his lap and enveloping her in a tight hug.  "Oh God…Buffy…yes…Yes!  I would be happy."  He buried his head in her hair, inhaling the fresh apple scent of her shampoo, and he felt her arms go around his next,  her head resting on his chest.  "Buffy, it's what I want more than anything.  To be with you, it's more than I could hope for.  I love you, Buffy.  God, I love you so much.  Thank you…thank you."

"Spike."  She brought her arms down from his neck and pushed lightly on his chest.  He loosened his hold, and she pulled back to look at him.  "I want to be clear about what I'm saying here.  I'm not saying that I love you.  I'm saying that there's a possibility that I _could_ love you.  A pretty big possibility.  But it's going to take time, and I think you were right, we should go slow.  I don't want to rush into this.  I want to know that we're making the best possible decision.  Are you gonna be okay with that?"

He smiled, his whole face lighting up, and he pulled her tightly against him again.  He didn't ever want to let her go.  "Of course, luv.  We can do this any way you want.  I just want to be with you.  Just give me a chance, Buffy.  I can make you happy;  I will make you happy.  I know it.  Just give me a chance, that's all I ask."

Buffy snuggled deeper into his embrace.  It felt just a little bit like heaven to be in his arms, so safe and warm.  It felt like where she belonged.  It had felt so good to finally admit it, to finally say out loud that there was a possibility.  It was almost as if the last piece had fallen into the puzzle.  She was finally on the road to happiness, to a better, more complete Buffy.  She nuzzled into his neck, smelling that unique Spike scent.  "Hey," she whispered, "I know that you issued a hands-off order, but doesn't this moment call for a kiss?"  Spike chuckled, and she could feel the vibrations rumbling though his body and into hers.

"Luv, I could never deny you anything."  He removed an arm from around her waist and gently tipped her chin up until their eyes met.  He could swear that he saw love growing in there, a love that would one day match his.  "I love you," he said before pressing his lips softly to hers.  The kiss was slow, and gentle and almost heart-breaking in its tenderness.  Spike tried to pour every ounce of love that her felt for her into one perfect kiss.

It was the best kiss of Buffy's life.  She felt herself falling deeper and deeper into him, into the _possibility _of him, and she never wanted this moment to end.  His tongue moved against hers, sliding up and slipping back.  He caressed her face with feather-light strokes that spoke volumes of his love for her.  His movements were slow and arousing, and tempting as all hell.  It made her ache inside.  She gave herself over to that ache, pressing closer against his body and searching his mouth for whatever she could find.  It was totally exciting and utterly terrifying.  And maybe not so impossible, after all.  

She pressed even closer, intensifying the kiss, wanting more.  She touched his back and his shoulders, touched his jaw and his throat.  She gave her hands free-rein to roam at will, all the while tasting him, exploring him with her mouth and tongue.  He tasted like cigarettes and smelled like a man.  He felt real, hard and solid, like a lover.  She could feel his lean muscles quivering beneath her touch.  How she wished that they could live in this moment forever—just the two of them, holding each other, touching each other.  Dare she say it?  _Loving_ each other.  But they couldn't.  Buffy knew that as surely as she knew that continuing to kiss him in this way would only lead to sex, which was something that they both weren't ready for.  She knew that the world outside his dark little crypt was cold and hard.  She knew that they would be met with many obstacles before they found true love or happiness.  She knew that she had to end the kiss before it went too far.

Exerting a slight pressure on his shoulders, she broke the kiss and leaned back.  Breathing hard, she stared up at him.  Spike was breathing equally as hard, even though he didn't need to, and was staring right back at her with such love in his eyes that she had to fight the urge to look away.  She had made a promise, to Spike and to herself, that she would stop running, and she was determined to keep it.  No matter how scary this thing between them got, no matter how hard, she was going to try and face it head on.  

They were still staring at each other in complete silence, and Buffy felt like she should say something.  She racked her brain, but couldn't think of anything she could possibly say to do the moment justice.  She wished that she could say something poetic, something deep and meaningful, to convey to him in words just how much that kiss had touched her.  But words weren't her strong suit, and, as much as she wished for it, nothing came.  "That was…wow…"

Spike smiled, brushed some hair off her face and leaned forward to lightly rub his nose against hers.  "That about sums it up."  The poet inside of him was already searching for the perfect line, trying to compose a sonnet that would pay tribute to her, to her beauty and the gift she had given him.  The hope, the possibility, that she had given him, was almost too much for him to contain.  He had to find an outlet, had to find some way to express how much it meant to him, how much _she_ meant to him.  For now, all he could do was smile at her, give her another kiss—a short, almost chaste one this time—and declare his love once more.  "I love you, Buffy."

Buffy sagged back against his chest, felt his arms tighten around her.  "I know," she whispered.  She wished she could say it back.  It would make him so happy, and he deserved to be happy.  But she couldn't.  It wasn't there yet; she wasn't ready for it to be.  Time.  She just needed more time.  She sighed softly, knowing that they couldn't keep pretending that everything was all right.  As tempting as it was to let this moment linger, to act if all their problems were solved and wrap them up in a pretty little bow, she knew that they both needed to face the truth.  They still had a lot of work ahead of them.

She raised her head from his chest.  "You know that this is just the beginning, right?  It's going to be hard, and we're going to have to fight to make it work.  I can be a real bitch sometimes, and I know that.  There will be times when it will just be too much for me.  I'm gonna want to run and hide, and you're going to have to pull me back."

Spike smiled.  He didn't think he would ever stop smiling.  The smile seemed to be permanently affixed to his face.  "I know it's gonna be hard, luv.  It always is with you."  She gave him a nasty look.  "Don't make that face, luv, it might freeze that way.  Seriously, of course it'll be hard, anything worth having always is.  If anyone can do it, though, it's you.  Cor, you're the strongest person I know."

"No, I'm not strong.  I'm scared."

Spike frowned.  It looked like that perma-smile had a pretty short shelf-life.  "What are you scared of, luv?"

"Of you.  Of us.  Of _this_."  She was avoiding his eyes again.  "As much as I want to trust you, and love you and open my heart to you, I don't know if I can.  I'm scared that I'm finally going to love you, finally allow myself to be happy, and then you'll leave.  Or worse, that stupid chip will stop working, and you'll help yourself to the all-you-can-eat people buffet.  And then I'd have to kill you.  I'd have to kill someone I loved.  Again."

"Buffy, look at me."  When she wouldn't, he put two fingers gently under her chin and forced her to.  "Buffy, I love you.  I love you, and I love the Nibblet.  I'm not going anywhere.  Look at all the times you tried to make me leave.  It never worked.  I always came back, and I'll always stay.  I stayed for a hundred and forty-seven days because I had your memory, and I had the Nibblet.  I promise you, I will not leave.  I'm not Angel.  I'm not going to prance off to L.A. just because it's hard to be with you.  I'm too stubborn, too selfish, for that."

"That's another thing."

"What is?"

"Angel."

"Please don't tell me that you're still hung up on the Great Poof!"  

She gave him a small smile.  "No, I'm not in love with Angel anymore.  I stopped being in love with him a long time ago.  It never would have worked with him, and I can see that now.  He has his destiny, and I have mine.  We were never meant to be together."

The relief washed over him in waves.  "Oh, thank God!  Don't scare me like that, luv.  You had me so worried.  I can't compete with him again; I never win."

"You might be surprised," she said with a mischievous grin.  "Dawn likes you way better than she ever liked him.  So did my mom, for that matter.  Even Xander tolerates you much better than he ever did Angel."

"Yeah, I guess you got a point there."  The smile was back, but it disappeared almost immediately.  "So, what about Angel, then?"

Buffy's smile disappeared as well.  "It's just that…this is so hard for me.  Okay, the thing is, if I admit to myself that you love me, that you want to be with me, despite that fact that you don't have a soul, then it's like admitting that Angel could have, too.  But he didn't.  I don't think that I can face up to that, not yet."

"Buffy, Angelus could have loved you.  In fact, he probably did."

"What?"

She sounded so surprised, that Spike almost laughed.  "You forget, I was there for the whole presto-chango.  I saw what he was like.  He was consumed with you; you were all he thought about.  He probably would've loved you if he hadn't been so busy hating you for making him feel human.  That's the irony, really.  He hated you for making him feel human, and that's one of the biggest reasons why I love you."

"Really?"

"Really, what?"

"You love me because I make you feel human?"

"It's what I love most about you."

"Aww, that's so sweet."  She leaned forward and kissed him softly.  "Thank  you."

"For what?"

"For saying what you did about Angel.  And for what you said about me.  It means a lot."

He kissed her back.  "Then you're welcome."

Buffy snuggled back up against him.  "And you're not gonna leave, right?"

"Right."

"Promise?"

"I swear on my duster."

She giggled.  "You know that means if you do leave, then the duster stays with me?"

"Good thing I won't be leavin', then.  I'm rather attached to that old thing."

"I can tell by the way that you never take it off."

"It's part of the image."

"Uh huh," murmured Buffy.  They kissed again, and it ended up being another one of those kisses that goes on forever.

When the kiss finally ended, Buffy rested her head against his chest, and he stroked her hair softly.  "So, what's the deal, then?  Are we dating?  Am I supposed to take you to the movies?  Maybe buy you a corsage, or something?"

She giggled, imagining what kind of corsage Spike would pick out for her.  "I guess you could call it dating.  Maybe more like, getting to know each other better.  I realized today that I hardly know anything about you.  I want to know everything.  I want to spend more time with you, just the two of us.  And with Dawn, and the rest of the gang.  I just want to take some time, feel this thing out and see if it works."

"Sounds good to me."  He kissed her.

"And the kissing's not bad, either."

"Not bad at all."  He did it again.  "Listen, I just want you to know how happy you've made me.  This is all I've ever wanted, just to have a chance with you.  A chance to show you that I can be a man, not just a monster. Thank you for giving me this chance.  I promise, I won't let you down."

"No, I'm pretty sure you won't.  I just hope I don't end up letting you down.  I'm pretty messed up, you know."

"I know.  It's one of your many charms."  He laughed when she tried to smack him.  "So, this is it, then?  We're going to try to build a real relationship?"

"Yep.  Pretty scary, huh?"

"Pretty bloody wonderful, if you ask me.  Are you gonna tell your mates what's going on?"

Buffy shook her head.  "I don't think so.  Not yet, anyway.  I want to figure this out by myself, not let their opinions and prejudices get in the way.  They're probably gonna freak, you know."

Spike sighed.  "Yeah, I know.  I'm already envisioning the late night lynch mob, complete with stakes and burning torches."

Buffy laughed.  She could actually picture Xander carrying a burning torch.  "Oh, it won't be that bad.  Dawn will be happy about it, Anya too.  You just need to spend more time around the rest of them, let them get used to you."  She peered at him skeptically.  "You can be nice if you want, right?"

"Luv, if it means that I get to be with you, then I can be anything you want.  So, you're not going to tell the Nibblet, then?"

"I'll probably have to.  Dawn's so nosy, she'd figure it out in a minute anyway.  I just hope she can keep her mouth shut for a while.  At least until we're ready to come out of the closet."

Spike chuckled.  "You make us sound like a couple of poofters!" 

She smacked him on the shoulder.  "You know what I mean!"

They spent the rest of the night kissing and cuddling in the chair and talking to each other like they never had.  Buffy told him all about her plans with Anya, and Spike offered to help in any way he could.  He even volunteered himself as her practice dummy.  Spike talked a little about his boyhood in England and all the places he'd gone and the things he'd seen.  It was fascinating to Buffy to find out what he had been like as a child.  She wanted to hear all about his human life, but Spike seemed a little reluctant to talk about it.  He promised to tell her the whole story another time.  She told him what her life had been like before she was called, and about the early days of slaying, including burning down the gym at her old school.  They discussed the situation with Willow at length, and tried to think of ways to help her.  The more Buffy talked to him, the more she liked him.  She was feeling better and better about her decision every minute.

It was nearly three in the morning when Buffy finally forced herself to leave the comfort of his arms.  She hated to go, but knew that she needed to be home for Dawn.  After the tenth goodnight kiss, she finally made it to the door of the crypt.  "So, I'll see you tomorrow?  Dawn said that you guys are watching a movie.  She invited me to watch with you.  You don't mind, do you?"

"Of course not, luv.  I'd never mind being with you."  He swept her up for one last hug and claimed her mouth with one more hungry kiss.  "Goodnight, Buffy."

"Goodnight."  She pulled his head down and kissed him.

"Get outta here, already."

"I'm going."

"Okay."

"Bye."

"_Parting is such sweet sorrow_," he said in an over exaggerated and sappy style.

Buffy rolled her eyes.  "Okay, cheeseball, I'm gone."  She snuck in one last kiss.  "See ya tomorrow!"

Spike stood at the door and watched her disappear into the cemetery.  He didn't think he could possibly be any happier than he was at that moment.  He finally had a chance to win Buffy's love.


	22. The Advice-part 1

If Not Wisely

Chapter 22:  The Advice-part 1    

Spoilers:  Begins immediately post-Wrecked, becomes AU after that.

Rating:  R for swearing and some sexual situations.

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

Feedback:  Would be highly appreciated.  This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I would like to know how I am doing.  Constructive criticism is welcome.

Distribution:  So far, just here.  If anyone wants it, just let me know.

Summary:  Buffy continues to struggle with her feelings for Spike, and the whole gang tries to help Willow with her abuse of magic.

A/N:  Sorry for the long delay between chapters. Real life sometimes gets in the way.  I know that some people are anxiously awaiting movie night at the Summers' house, but we have a little ground to cover first.  This was originally supposed to be taken care of in one chapter, but it started running away with itself, and I had to break it up into two.  Then next part should be up in a couple of days, and the we get to the movie goodness.  Enjoy the chapter, and let me know what you think.  Thanks! 

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A car honked outside, and Buffy ran to the window.  She pulled the curtain back and waved at the driver.  Turning to grab her jacket, she called to her sister.  "Dawn!  Xander's here, and I'm leaving to go shopping.  Be back in a little bit!"

She heard a shriek from upstairs, followed by the sound of pounding feet.  Seconds later, Dawn's head appeared at the top of the stairs.

"Buffy, wait!  Can I go to the mall with Janice?"

Buffy frowned.  "I don't know, Dawn.  You know Janice isn't exactly my favorite person.  She has a tendency to get you into trouble."

Dawn stamped her foot and pouted.  "Come on!  We're only going to the mall!  We won't get in any trouble!  Please?"

The car honked again, and Buffy sighed.  She didn't have time for this.  "Fine!  Go.  Just be home before it gets dark."

"Yes!" squealed Dawn.  "Thank you!"  She turned and ran back to her room at top speed.

Buffy shrugged into her jacket and reached for the door.  "And don't get in any trouble!" she called over her shoulder.  "If I have to rescue you tonight, I'll kill you myself!"

There was no response from Dawn—aside from muffled squealing and giggling—so Buffy headed out the door.  She bounded down the steps toward Xander's car with an enthusiasm that she hadn't felt since—well, since before her mother had died.  It was a beautiful, sunshiny California day, and the weather matched her mood.  She was on the verge of an exciting new job, a career even, and was just beginning a new relationship.  Her life might not be all sunshine and roses, but things were looking up, and she was in a good mood for a change.

Buffy plopped into the passenger seat and smiled at her friend.  "So, Xander, tell me again why you decided to go with the _purple_ car?"

"Anya doesn't have soul."

"Hey, just because she likes purple cars, that doesn't make her a soulless beast!"

"No."  Xander was gripping the steering wheel with both hands and staring straight ahead.  His voice was flat and emotionless.  "Anya.  Doesn't have.  A soul."

Buffy's smile faded abruptly.  "Oh, so she told you, huh?"

Xander finally turned to look at her, eyes wide with shock.  "You knew?"  He was practically screaming.  "You knew, and you didn't tell me?"

"Hey, she just told me yesterday!  Besides, I didn't think it was my place to say anything."

"Why?  Huh?  Just tell me why!"  He dropped his head heavily to the steering wheel, and the horn blared loudly.

"Why, what?"  He made no move to respond, and the horn continued to sound.  "Xander?"  Buffy placed a hand on his shoulder.  "Xand, stop it."  She tried to gently lift his head from the steering wheel, but he would not cooperate.  "Hey, quit it!  Don't make me use Slayer strength."

Xander groaned and lifted his head to look at her.  Mercifully, the horn stopped.  "Why, Buff?  Why do things like this always happen to me?"

"I'd love to answer your question, but I'm gonna need a 'what.'  Why does _what_ always happen to you?" 

He sighed heavily.  "Never mind."  He shifted the car into drive.  "Let's get out of here.  Grocery goodness awaits!"  He pulled out from the curb and took off down the street with a little more speed than necessary.

Buffy reached for her seatbelt, snapping it home in a hurry.  Slayer healing had its benefits, but it could hardly counteract being thrown through a windshield.  Feeling much more secure, she turned to her friend.  "Xander, talk to me.  What's going on?  Is this about Anya?"

"Yes!  No!  You know what?"  He added a little more speed.  "it's not even about Anya.  It's about _me_!  There's obviously something wrong with _me_!"  He pressed the gas pedal harder, took a corner with a touch too much speed.

"Xander!"  Buffy was thrown against the passenger-side door by the centrifugal force.  She reached up to grab the handle above the door.  "Cut it out!  I know you're upset, but today is _not_ a good day to die, and I _don't_ think that the third time is going to be the charm for me!" 

That did it.  Xander eased his foot off the gas pedal, and the car slowed to an acceptable speed.  He loosened his white-knuckle grip on the steering wheel.  "I'm sorry, Buff.  It's just…God!"  He pounded the steering wheel for emphasis.  "Why does this kind of stuff always happen to me?  What's wrong with me?  I _am_ just a demon magnet!"

"There's nothing wrong with you.  Nothing!  You are a great guy!  Anyone who knows you knows that.  You are _not_ a demon magnet."

"Whatever."  Xander slowed to a stop at a red light and looked at Buffy again.  "Listen, I'm not looking to be cheered up here, so you don't  have to tell me what a great guy I am.  I just want to know the truth. What is wrong with me?"

The light turned green, and he pulled away, but not before Buffy noticed the slightest tremble in his lower lip.  Her heart went out to her friend.  She knew exactly what he was feeling, had felt that way plenty of times herself.  Why, it had been only a few short days before when she'd mentally berated herself as some sort of vampire fetishist, unable to have a normal relationship with a normal guy.  Still, what was she supposed to say?  "I feel your pain, man.  I'm a vampire groupie, myself."  No, she wasn't ready to tell Xander about her relationship with Spike, and Xander definitely wasn't ready to hear it.  Judging by his reaction to Anya's little bombshell—and he was actually in love with Anya—Buffy didn't think that Xander would be jumping for joy when he found out that she and Spike were dating, or something like it.

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Spike had not been able to go to sleep after Buffy had left.  He was too excited, too hyper.  He honestly couldn't remember a time when he'd been happier, and he'd spent the remainder of the morning sitting in his chair smoking cigarettes and thinking of ways to make Buffy fall in love with him.  Despite his happiness, Spike was not a fool, and he knew that he had a tough road ahead of him.  Buffy may have admitted that she felt something for him, and she may have agreed to give him a chance, but it was not going to be easy, not by any means.  She was too stubborn, too headstrong, to go down without a fight.  He knew that Buffy was reticent to open her heart to him, and he could tell that she was terrified by her feelings for him, and his for her.  Yes, it was going to be hard work, making her fall in love with him, but it was worth it.  He'd finally been given a chance, the only thing he'd ever asked from her, and he was determined to make it work.

At some point, he must have fallen asleep, because he awoke with a start when he heard a knock at the door of his crypt.  He jumped quickly to his feet, looking for a weapon.  No one ever knocked on his door.  Buffy just barged right in, so did Dawn, for that matter.  He reached for a stake and heard another knock, louder this time.  He didn't think a vampire would actually knock before storming in to kill him, besides it was the middle of the day.  He couldn't imagine a demon walking around the cemetery in the broad daylight either.  They were called creatures of the night for a reason.  Who did that leave?  Spike groaned.  One of the bloody Scoobies.  They couldn't possibly have found out about him and Buffy already, could they?  Maybe it was the Whelp, wanting more reassurance that his demon bride wasn't evil, after all.  That was all he needed.  William the Bloody Relationship Counselor.  "Who's there?" he called, voice still rough with sleep.

"S-Spike?  It's me, T-Tara."  On the other side of the door, Tara felt her face go red.  She hated it when she stuttered.  She'd be getting so much better lately, but she still stuttered, almost uncontrollably, when she was nervous.  Coming to see Spike all by herself, even though it was the middle of the day, made her extremely nervous.

"Tara?"  Red's Wiccan lover?  What could she possibly be doing there?  For a moment, Spike thought maybe he was still asleep and dreaming.  "What do you want?"

"C-can I come in?  Please?"

Spike went to the door and eased it open a couple of inches, mindful of the sun.  Sure enough, there was Tara standing on the other side.  Her face was flushed bright red, and she looked nervous.  Oh, God.  What if something had happened to Buffy?  Or to Dawn?  "What's wrong?  Did something happen?"

"No!  No, everything's fine.  I just need to t-talk to you."  She could see the skepticism on Spike's face.  "Please?  Just for a minute."

"All right.  Come in, then.  Watch the sun."  He turned and walked quickly back to his chair, trying to stay as far away as possible from the deadly California sunshine.

Tara squeezed through the barely open door and shut it firmly behind her.  Unsure of what to do, she stood uncomfortably just inside the door, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.  She hadn't really had a plan when she decided to go see Spike, and now she was definitely wishing that she had.  She felt so foolish, just standing there.  She really should say something.

Spike had been rooting around for a cigarette and hadn't noticed that Tara was still standing by the door.  When he'd finally found one and managed to light it, he looked over at Tara.  "Well?  Don't just stand there, come on in.  Sorry, I don't have anything to offer you.  The Little Bit polished off all my human food.  Don't suppose you'd fancy a beer?"

"Oh, no.  N-no, thank you."  Tara took a few nervous steps forward, but stayed far away from Spike.

He chuckled to himself.  She looked like a lamb going to the slaughter.  It should have made him feel good

that someone was actually still afraid of him, but it didn't.  For some unknown reason, he wanted these people to like him.  If not like him, then at least accept him.  "Come on, now.  I'm not gonna bite you.  Bloody Initiative wankers made sure of that.  Tell me, what's so important that it made you forget that vampires sleep during the day?"

"Oh!  I'm sorry!  Of course you were sleeping!  Do you w-want me to come back later?"

Spike sighed, ran his fingers through his hair.  "Bloody Hell, woman!  No, I don't want you to come back later!  I'm awake now, so you might as well tell me what it is that made you brave the den of the beast."

Tara flinched, and she could feel her bottom lip begin to tremble.  She hated being yelled at; hated even more to have people mad at her.  Quickly, she turned and headed for the door.  "I'm s-sorry.  I should just go.  I d-didn't mean to bother you."

"Tara!"  Why did he feel guilty all of a sudden?  Vampires weren't even supposed to be _capable_ of feeling guilt.  "Don't go, ducks.  I shouldn't have snapped at you like that.  Come sit down and tell me what's wrong."

Tara paused, hand on the doorknob.  She really did need to talk to Spike, but he didn't seem to be in the best mood.  Of course, she had just woken him up.  She could be a bear first thing in the morning, herself.  Slowly, she turned to face him.  "Are you sure it's okay?"

Spike sighed again, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from snapping at her once again.  "Yes, I'm sure."

"Okay."  Tara took a deep, calming breath before walking over to the battered sofa.  She sat, somewhat tensely, on the edge, slightly angled so that she could face him.  Spike's demeanor had softened considerably, and her initial nervousness was slowly fading away.  She gathered her courage and looked him in the eye.  "I'm not, you know."

"You're not what?"

"Afraid of you.  I'm not afraid of you, Spike."

He gave a short, bitter laugh.  "Of course you're not.  Who'd be afraid of a vampire that can't even bite?  Hell, I couldn't even yank one hair from your pretty little head without suffering excruciating pain."  He took a hard drag from his cigarette and blew the smoke out angrily.  "I just woke up, you know, and I'm feeling a mite peckish.  Time was, I'd eat you for breakfast—and smile doin' it.  Not now, though.  Soddin' piece of plastic put a right stop to that.  Pretty sorry excuse for a master vamp, ain't I?"  Spike couldn't help throwing a little impromptu pity party for himself.  He knew he was pathetic—hell, he didn't even _want_ the silly bint to be afraid of him—but her just saying it flat out like that, really bothered him.

"It's not the chip, Spike.  If the chip stopped working right this instant, I still wouldn't be afraid of you.  I trust you, and it's not just because I know that you can't hurt me.  It's because I know you _wouldn't_ hurt me.  I know you, Spike; I _see_ you."

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Realizing that she wouldn't be able to commiserate with Xander over their lousy track records when it came to love, Buffy decided to try and snap him out of it.  "Look, Xander, this has nothing to do with you.  It's about _Anya_."

"Maybe it is about Anya, but she's just the latest in a long line of freaks.  Think about it, Buff.  I've only been involved with a pitiful few women, and every last one of them was a freak.  I mean, first we have Praying Mantis Lady.  Oh, she was more than happy to divest me of my pesky virginity.  Too bad she was planning on _eating_ me afterwards!  Then there was Inca Mummy Girl.  Oh, she was a prize.  Hot as hell, and she loved to suck face.  Too bad she wanted to suck the life right outta me, literally!  Yeah, I picked a winner there.  Then what?  Oh, yes, Cordelia.  She was probably more of demon than the rest of them put together!  We had a relationship based on mutual loathing and a little closet-groping.  And now, now I hear that she's getting some wicked-painful visions that make Spike's chip look like a pleasure cruise.  How's that for normal?  Which, of course, brings us to Anya.  Former vengeance demon with over a thousand years of pain and torture under her belt.  Do I know how to pick 'em, or do I know how to pick 'em?"

"Come on, Xander!  Cordelia wasn't that bad!"  Buffy shot him a smile, but Xander was having none of it.  "As far as Anya's concerned, I think_ former_ is the key word.  She's human now, no more demon."

"Yeah, but she still doesn't have a soul!"

"Hey, she told me that she wasn't sure if she had one or not, not that she _didn't_.  Plus, you're forgetting about Willow!  She was in love with you for years—you guys even made with the smoochies a couple of times—and there's nothing wrong with her."

Xander snorted.  "Yeah, except for the fact that she's a power-trippin' witch who's large with the dark arts!  And, hello?  Gay now!"

Buffy smiled at that, then frowned, considering.  "You know, I'm not really sure if you could call her gay.  I'm thinking that she might be bi-sexual.  I mean, there was the whole thing with you, and she and Oz were together for a long time.  They were even sleeping together.  So, it's not like she's not attracted to men.  At least, she has been in the past.  Although, I guess she could've just been in denial.  Maybe she was just covering up her true feelings.  What do you think?"

"Buffy!  Focus!  We are not debating Willow's sexual orientation here!  We're talking about _me_!  More specifically, my inability to have a normal relationship with a normal woman."

Xander's last statement hit a little too close to home for Buffy.  She slumped a little lower in her seat.  "Hey, you're asking the wrong person, Xan.  It's not like I've ever had a normal relationship, either.  Not since I got called, at least."

"Buffy…"  Xander hadn't meant to get Buffy depressed.  One depressed person per shopping trip was pretty much the quota.

"No, seriously, think about it.  First there's Angel—extremely broody vamp with a soul who goes all evil-twin on me.  Scott, who couldn't handle dating such a freak.  Angel again.  He almost drains me dry, then leaves town 'for my own good.'  Then what?  Parker, who uses me and tosses me away like so much Kleenex.  Can't even begin to tell ya what a pleasant experience that was.  Finally, we have Riley.  Seems to be all Joe Normal, until I find out he's all Secret-Identity Guy.  Not to mention the vampire sucks jobs he was getting on the side.  Don't even get me started on Spike."

Xander reached out and patted her knee.  "I guess you've had it pretty bad too, huh?  Spike doesn't count, though.  It's not like you guys ever dated or anything.  He just has some sort of sick, twisted obsession with Slayers, that's all.  Still, I'd have to say that list you rattled off was pretty impressive."

 Buffy felt her face grow hot and avoided looking at him.  She couldn't believe that she'd just let that slip about Spike.  Thank God, Xander hadn't seemed to notice.  This was definitely not the time to break the news that she and Spike were kind of a couple.  "Yeah, I think I might have you beat in the 'Do I Know How to Pick 'Em' department.  But, look, it's not going to do us any good to feel sorry for ourselves.  We live on a Hellmouth.  Things are bound to be wacky, especially love, which is wacky anyway."

"Yeah, well, that doesn't make me feel any better about my current situation."

"What situation?  Xander, there is no _situation_!  You're in love with Anya.  She's in love with you.  You guys are getting _married_!  What could possibly be so bad about that?"

"Yeah, but—"

"No buts!  Do you have any idea how lucky you are?  You've found the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with!  You have a chance to be happy!  Don't throw that away, especially not on something as stupid as this."

Xander sighed as he pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store.  He could tell that Buffy was getting frustrated with him, and maybe he _was_ being stupid, but he really didn't care.  He was going through a major crisis, and his so-called best friend didn't even seem to care.  "You don't understand, Buffy!  Yes, I thought Anya was 'the one,' and, yes, we were happy together.  But if she doesn't even have a soul, then that negates _everything_."  

Buffy groaned and tried to refrain from pulling out her hair.  "How can you say that it negates everything?  You love her, don't you?"

He pulled into an empty space, put the car in park and turned of the ignition before answering.  "Yes, I love her.  I love her so much it scares me sometimes.  Buffy, I don't know what I'd do without her."

She gave him a smile, a little touched by his answer.  "Well, it's a good thing you'll never have to find out!  Xander, Anya loves you.  Anyone could tell just by looking at her.  You should hear the way she talks about you, or the way she beams at her engagement ring.  She loves you, and you love her.  That's all that matters.  Stop letting little things get in the way."  She opened the car door and got out, heading for the store entrance.

Xander quickly scrambled after her.  "Buffy," he was almost pleading with her, "a soul is not a little thing.  You, of all people, should know that.  Look what happened with Angel."

Buffy abruptly stopped walking and spun around to face him.  "You're right, a soul is not a little thing, but maybe it should be."

"What do you mean?  How can you say that?"  Xander stared at her with a shocked expression on his face.

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"I see you."  Tara's last words echoed through his head, bringing with them unwelcome memories.  Memories of a man long dead, of a beautiful, snobbish society woman.  _I do see you, William, that's the problem.  You're beneath me.  _Spike closed his eyes, swallowed down the lump that was growing in his throat.  He did not want to be reminded of that time, of the man he used to be.  It was just too painful.  Everything he'd done, from the moment he'd woken up and felt bloodlust for the first time, had been part of a conscious effort to erase all traces of that man.  Sure, the chip may have reduced him to a shadow of his former self, but he would never be reduced to William.  He refused to let himself be reduced to that.

"Spike?"

Tara's voice freed him from the memories.  He opened his eyes to look at her, and they were cold and hard.  His voice, too, seemed harder when he spoke.  "What exactly is it that you think you see, Witch?"

She flinched a little at his tone, but steeled herself to continue.  She would not let herself be intimidated by him.  Tara had wanted to say this to Spike for a long time, and she would not be deterred.  "I see a good man."

_I know I'm a bad poet, but I'm a good man_.  The memories continued to assault him.  Would he ever truly be free?  He'd spent over a hundred and twenty years as the biggest, baddest vampire around, yet he continued to be tortured by a weak, spineless, silly man who had died long ago.  Spike fought against his memories, refusing to be drawn into the past.  "You don't know what you're talking about," he said, voice as cold and hard as ever.

She gave him a knowing smile.  "Oh, I know more than you think, much more.  I'm quiet, you know, just like a little mouse.  I don't usually say a whole lot, and people sometimes forget I'm even in the room.  I have a tendency to blend into the background.  It's hard sometime, being a non-entity, but it has its benefits.  I pick up on a lot of things that most other people don't.  I guess you could say I'm perceptive."

"So, you're a quiet little mouse!  What's the bloody point?"  Spike's anger was rising.  He barely knew this girl, and there she was sitting in front of him, all sweet and smiling, claiming that she _saw_ him.  The way she was looking at him made his skin crawl.  It was almost as if she could see right through him; almost as if she could see _William_.

Tara was, indeed, quite perceptive, and she could sense Spike's unease.  It should have made her nervous, or even make her want to discontinue this conversation and avoid any further upset.  Instead, it made her feel better.  If Spike were feeling uncomfortable, then she might actually be on to something.  She smiled at him again, and she could tell by his reaction that he didn't like it one bit.  "The point, Spike, is that I see what the others don't.  Of course, it might have to do with the fact that you never tried to kill me, but it's more than that."

"What do you see?"  His voice was softer now, quieter.  The Big Bad persona had slipped a little, and his eyes began to show signs of emotion.

"I see the way you are with Dawn, the way you care about her, worry about her.  I see the way her eyes light up when you come into the room, and the way you smile just for her. I saw you after you'd withstood hours of torture by a Hell God instead of betraying a little girl.  I saw you rush to the top of a tower, heedless of your own safety, ready to fight to the death to protect that same little girl."

"But I didn't!"  His eyes were flashing.  "I didn't die, and I didn't protect her!  I let her down; I failed.  I failed, and Buffy…"  His voice broke, and he could not continue.

 "Hey, none of that."  Tara's voice was surprisingly stern, even to herself.  She reached out and put a consoling hand on his arm to soften the harshness.  "You did _not_ fail.  Don't say that; don't even _think_ that.  You did the best you could, everyone did.  Besides, it doesn't matter if you were successful or not, what matters is that you did it.  You put yourself on the line to save Dawn, to save Buffy, to save the whole world.  That's what matters."

Spike snorted.  "Fat lot of good it did me."

"You're right.  It didn't do you much good, did it?  But is that why you did it?  Were you expecting some big payoff?"

"No."  The word was mumbled almost inaudibly.

"No, you didn't.  You did it because you love Dawn, and you love Buffy.  You even love this horrible, messed-up world we all live in."  That got a small smile from him.  "You know what, though?  I think there's even more to it than that.  I think you did it because it was the right thing to do."

"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?  Make yourself feel a little better about consorting with the evil undead.  I've got news for ya, Witch.  I'm a vampire!  And vampires could give fuck-all about doing the right thing!"  The anger was back, as Spike pulled the Big Bad persona a little more tightly around him.

"Maybe not most vampires.  But you're not like most vampires."

Spike leapt to his feet, towering menacingly over her.  "Bollocks!  I am _exactly_ like most vampires!"

"Oh yeah?" asked Tara innocently, a small smile on her face.

"Yeah!"

"You can keep telling yourself that, Spike.  Maybe, one of these days, you'll even believe it.  You can hide behind the hair and the coat, the bluster and the swagger, all you want.  Go ahead and play the big, bad vamp, for all I care. You're not fooling me, though.  You are _nothing_ like those…things that Buffy kills every night.  You're different, special."

"Bloody Hell!"  He couldn't even bring himself to stay angry at this sweet, smiling girl.  He sat back down with a defeated sigh and reached for another cigarette.  When he had it lit, he raised his head to look at her.  "I'm not special."

"Yes, you are."  The smile still played around the corners of her mouth.  "I've known you were special since that time you punched me.  You know, in the Magic Box?"

He blew out a puff of smoke with a small laugh.  "Are you daft?  I damn near broke  your sodding nose!"

"Yeah, it did hurt like hell, but you were doing me a favor.  You proved that I wasn't a demon.  You have no idea how scared I was then.  I really believed that line of crap my family'd been feeding me for years.  You really helped me out, Spike, and I never even said thank you."

"No need to lose any sleep over it.  I'm used to it."

The smile disappeared, and Tara looked saddened.  "Yeah," she said softly, "I guess you probably are.  Spike, I'm sorry about that.  I'm sorry that we never thanked you as much as we should have.  You've done so much good, and no one ever seems to notice.  You patrolled with us almost every night over the summer, and you saved all of our lives more times than we could count.  You looked after Dawn, kept her spirits up.  God, you played gin rummy with her, and let her paint your nails, and you listened to those horrible boy bands that she likes.  You made her smile more than any of the rest of us could, even though you were probably dying inside."

"I am dead."  The words were said without a trace of humor.

"Maybe, technically, you are, but you seem so full of life to me.  You're so passionate about everything you do.  I really envy you sometimes, the way you just grab life by the tail.  You do what you want and never let anything get in the way.  I wish I could be more like that.  Sometimes I'm too timid for my own good.  I feel like I miss out on a lot of things."

He reached over and ground out the cigarette forcefully.  "You really are daft if you envy me!  No one in their right mind would wish this upon themselves.  You must be a bleedin' idiot if you think I'm better off!"

"No, n-no I didn't' mean that!  I was just…I mean, sometimes…Oh, never mind."  She looked down at her hands, feeling exactly like the bleeding idiot that Spike had called her.

Spike pushed himself to his feet and moved toward the refrigerator.  "Look, it's not like I didn't enjoy that little pep talk—it's a lot better than the usual round of Kick the Spike that I'm used to—but is that the reason why you came here today?  To bolster my self-esteem?"  He opened the door and reached in for a beer.  "Sure you don't want one of these?  They're imported."

Tara surprised him, and herself, by saying, "Sure, might as well."

He walked back over to the couch holding two beers.   He handed one to Tara and sat down with the other.  "So, was that it, then?  Just came to tell me what a special vamp I am?"

"No."  Tara took a sip of the beer, wincing at the taste.  She'd always been more of a wine person.  Actually, I came to talk to you about Willow."


End file.
